He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships

“Carter and Sokol delve into the characteristics that make men and women say, ‘I’m scared, so go away.’ [A] valuable contribution.”

—
Booklist

COULD UNRESOLVED COMMITMENT CONFLICTS BE CLOUDING
YOUR
PROSPECTS FOR FUTURE HAPPINESS? TAKE THIS QUIZ AND FIND OUT.

• Does your partner feel that your married friends lead boring lives?
  People with commitment issues never “settle.” They hold out for the “perfect” mate: that superhuman someone who may not even exist.
  

• Have you met your lover’s friends and family?
  If not, your partner is building distance into your relationship—and keeping you an arm’s length from intimacy.
  

• Is your partner most intensely interested in you when you seem to be pulling away?
  For commitmentphobes, love is not frightening until it is returned. They pursue avidly—then withdraw.
  

• Is your partner drawn to unavailable lovers?
  If his last paramour was married, if her ex was a long-distance liaison, then your proximity may be too close for your partner’s comfort.
  

“Advice and sympathetic hand-holding for those whose anxieties about commitment are messing up their love lives.”

—Kirkus Reviews

Also by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol

WHAT SMART WOMEN KNOW

MEN WHO CAN’T LOVE

WHAT REALLY HAPPENS IN BED

MEN LIKE WOMEN WHO LIKE THEMSELVES

For Max, with love
.

To Our Readers:

We are writers, not therapists. Our insights come primarily from our own experiences and from the experiences of countless men and women who struggle with many variations of the conflicts described in this book.

Therefore we want to make it clear that this book is not meant to be a substitute for professional psychological help. It is not our intention to diminish our information and experience, or to diminish the information shared by those we have interviewed. But we do need to emphasize its limitations. Every person’s struggle is unique and deserving of individual attention and examination. This book is intended to provide a starting point in that process.

Acknowledgments

A book of this size and scope could not be completed without a great deal of help and support. We would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who contributed in some way to the realization of this work.

First, our most special thanks to the many men and women who so generously donated their time to be interviewed for this project. Their stories give this book a richness that is immeasurable.

We also wish to thank our agent, Barbara Lowenstein, for believing in us and our work.

It is very important for us to acknowledge certain people for their invaluable creative contributions: Peter Coopersmith, Frederick Friedel, Eric Weiss, Nancy Weiss, Donna Miller, Dr. Irene Harwood, and M. J. Kelly. Thank you all so much.

Very special thanks must go to all of the following people, each of whom was a source of tremendous help and support: Ken Starr, Michael Frankfurt, Helen Sokol, Marilyn and John Whitney, Sonja Eisenberg, Lloyd Sheldon Johnson, Rhonda Rudner, Michael Petruzillo, Cheryl Pelavin, Cheryl Barnes Cabasso, Matt Stolper, Norman Haggie, Paul Trudeau, Stacey Cahn, Randy Levine Miller, Sheila Starr, Joshua Levine, Alfred and Sydelle Carter, Jane Brinker, Bob Tabian, Sloan Harris, Al Secunda, Leonard Post, Charles Bernstein, Chip Kaplan, Neil Anderson, and Rita Williams.

A very special thank you to Don Schimelfenig for understanding all those hours spent on the phone and at the computer.

Finally, our thanks to the beasts and the children—Paddington, Carla, Maggie, Tom, and Huck—for the love they always give without any fear of commitment.

Contents

Introduction

Part One:
When What You Want Is What You Fear

CHAPTER ONE
:
Whose Fear Is It, Anyway?

CHAPTER TWO
:
Commitment Fears and Commitment Fantasies

CHAPTER THREE
:
Runners and Chasers—Active Commitment Conflicts

CHAPTER FOUR
:
Victims and Nice Guys—Passive Commitment Conflicts

CHAPTER FIVE
:
“I Love You, but …”

CHAPTER SIX
:
Getting Distance

Part Two:
Understanding Your Fears and Facing Your Conflict

CHAPTER SEVEN
:
Recognizing Your Pattern

CHAPTER EIGHT
:
Exploring Your Feelings, Exploring Your Fears

CHAPTER NINE
:
Understanding How Your Conflict Works

CHAPTER TEN
:
Making Commitments That Count

Appendix:
Managing Your Conflicts and Changing Your Relationships—A Guide for You and Your Partner

SECTION ONE
:
Learning to Behave Differently Despite Your Conflicts

SECTION TWO
:
Recovering from a Commitmentphobic Relationship

Introduction

There are people who go through an entire lifetime without once experiencing—or encountering—any anxiety about commitment. Many others, however, find the issue of commitment a recurring and controlling theme in most, if not all, of their personal involvements.

Some of you may have no difficulty pinpointing the ways in which commitment conflicts affect your personal relationships. For example:

• If you are deeply involved with a partner who is actively running away from you and the love you offer, then you have been forced to deal with someone else’s commitment conflicts.
  

• If your need to maintain “space” has been an issue in all of your relationships, then you can’t help but be aware of your struggles with commitment.
  

• If you have been unable to sustain a committed relationship, no matter how hard, or often, you try, then you are probably painfully aware of your difficulty with commitment.
  

• If you have an intense need to maintain independence and a single life-style, if you fear marriage means someone will try to “clip your wings,” then you may be fully conscious of your desire to avoid a committed relationship.
  

But for some of us, commitment issues are not always out in the open. Instead they are hidden and subtle, clothed in an assortment of disguises. For example:

• If you find that you prefer idealized fantasies to flawed human partners, then you may not realize how commitment fears are affecting your life.
  

• If you consistently commit yourself to inappropriate or unavailable partners, you may not always see how your conflicts are contributing to a destructive pattern.
  

• If you are very “picky” or have a pattern of faultfinding, then, you may fail to take into account how much of this is caused by commitment issues.
  

• If you are unable to recover from a failed love relationship, then you may be unable to recognize how your own fears are contributing to your paralysis.
  

• If something about your attitude and life-style discourages potential partners, then you may not be aware of the barriers you have constructed against commitment.
  

In this book we plan to take a long and careful look at the issues and anxieties that surround commitment and explore how these issues may be implicated when men and women have difficulty finding and keeping the love they deserve. We believe that many of us have failed to address the ways in which we are made anxious by commitment, the complicated ways in which we avoid commitment, and the ways in which commitment conflicts may be creating chaos in our personal lives.

We often hear from men and women who are expending tremendous amounts of time and energy trying to cement a relationship with decidedly reluctant partners. We know that it is extremely difficult for people such as this to believe that
they
have a problem with commitment. Often they feel
too
committed. If you fall into this category, we understand the way you feel, and we only ask that you bear with us as we try to illustrate how your own conflicts can catapult you into these painful roles.

Many women are initially brought face-to-face with commitment conflict through their involvement with a reluctant partner. For that reason we’re going to try to present the various fears and anxieties from both points of view—male and female—so that you can get a sense of how these anxieties play out in relationships.

We realize that when we talk about the fear of commitment, we have to be very careful not to lump everyone together into one category. There are a multitude of reasons why someone might have commitment conflicts. Some women legitimately worry about getting stuck in traditional marriages that leave them little room for growth. Men may worry that they will be expected to take on the major financial responsibility for a family. Some people are frightened of repeating a dysfunctional family system; others hesitate at fidelity or the notion of sustaining love over a lifetime. Some people have realistic and logical reasons; others can’t explain why the idea of one love/one relationship leaves them with a gnawing fear in the pit of their stomach. In fact there are probably as many reasons why we worry about commitment as there are people who worry.

There are also different degrees of conflict, and men and women often experience their conflict in completely different ways. For some people the idea of commitment triggers only mild discomfort or nervousness; others have a more intense reaction; still others experience the overwhelming fear we call commitmentphobia. Some people are made anxious just by the mention of marriage; others have no idea that they have any anxiety whatsoever until after the ceremony has actually taken place.

We will talk about some of the reasons why we might be afraid as well as examine the different levels and kinds of commitment fear and the conditions under which they occur. And in that context we will try to give some insight into what we refer to as commitmentphobic relationships—relationships that can be characterized by one partner wanting “more” while the other wants “space.” We will provide an in-depth look at what happens when these relationships become obsessive.

We realize that each of us has his or her own definition of what commitment means. For some people it’s marriage—pure and simple—and nothing less will do; for others it means a willingness to work on an exclusive relationship; for others it represents intimacy. For still others it’s a jumble.

We see commitment simply as a promise to participate in a
well-intentioned, monogamous, open-ended, responsible
, and
realistic
relationship. We like to think of our definition as a broad and reasonable one. We believe it’s a mistake to view commitment exclusively in the context of marriage. As we will discuss later, we also think it’s a mistake to think that marriage per se is the acid test for commitmentphobia.

Our point of view is that a set of good
intentions
is the most important thing to bring to a relationship; it is infinitely more important than a marriage license because it means that you have a willingness to make the relationship work and keep working. Being well-intentioned does not mean that you should put up with abuse, of any kind, for the sake of keeping the relationship together, and it does not mean that you should stay in a miserable or unfulfilling situation with a partner who refuses to put in his or her best efforts. However, it does mean that you bring honesty, effort, and openness to the relationship. It means that you are not intentionally concealing any negative agendas, and it means that your hopes for the future of the relationship are serious and sincere.