He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships (5 page)

Your relationship history is not a mystery, and it is not an accident. It may feel like an accident, and it may look like an accident. But the choices you have made were made for a reason. Maybe not a very good reason, but a reason.

What does this mean? Well, for one thing it means that if you become uncomfortable when things get close, it’s not simply because you need a larger apartment. If you’ve fallen in love with too many inappropriate people, it’s not only because you have a big heart. If you’ve never been able to sustain a relationship for more than a year, it’s not because of fluctuating biorhythms or transiting planets. If all of your partners had serious commitment problems of their own, it’s not just an unfortunate coincidence. If you always choose people who are emotionally unavailable, it’s not because socialization cuts us off from our feelings. If the love of your life is married to someone else, it’s not just your bad luck. If everyone you meet is geographically unavailable, it’s not an inevitable consequence of the jet age. If many of the people you get involved with have problems with addictions, it’s not only because of the breakdown of the family system. If you can’t find anyone who is “marriage material,” it’s not because there is a shortage of people who are. If everyone you cared about had a tragic flaw, it’s not because everyone is tragically flawed.

The reasons why so many of your relationships have failed aren’t out there somewhere in the ether; they are
right
here—within you. And chances are, unresolved commitment conflicts have a great deal to do with it.

MAKING SENSE OUT OF YOUR PAST

Your romantic history provides the evidence you need to determine whether you or your partner have commitment conflicts. Often we fictionalize our past experiences; we turn our reality into fantasy. We polish it up or paint it all black. We forget the bad, forget the good, or forget the whole thing. But true insight only comes from evaluating the true experience.

When we look at what has gone on in our relationships, we all have a tendency to focus on what was wrong with the
other
person. But by focusing exclusively on the failings of your partners, you
escape looking at the more significant issue: Why were
you
with them? Just because
they
all had problems doesn’t mean that
you
don’t. We’re not trying to condone hurtful behavior. But you need to start considering what keeps
you
from being in a more fulfilling relationship. And that means starting to think a little bit more about your own stuff. In other words, if difficult relationships seem to be part of your life, it’s time to examine your own contributions to these difficulties.

DO YOU HAVE UNRESOLVED COMMITMENT CONFLICTS?

Here is a fact: To one degree or another the vast majority of us protect our freedom and are nervous about long-term commitment. The question to ask yourself is how great are your commitment conflicts? Are they merely affecting your relationships or are they destroying your relationships? Are your conflicts affecting your life, or are they controlling your life? Do you approach the possibility of commitment with a healthy sense of caution, or are you downright phobic? The first step in joining those who are able to form interpersonal unions that work is understanding how commitment conflicts reveal themselves.

Your romantic history is the single most telling factor in determining whether you have unresolved commitment conflicts. If you are conflicted, the following characteristics typically apply to your relationships:

1.
You have a history of relationships in which one partner wants more while the other wants less
.

Anyone with commitment conflicts will almost certainly experience the kind of relationship that is played out along the more-less theme. That “more” can be reflected by a partner wanting more time, more emotional closeness, or more actual commitment. Take a moment to review your romantic history.

Within your relationships are you usually the partner who wants less? If so:

• Your partners have typically complained that you are pulling back, withholding, or constructing obstacles and boundaries to avoid closeness or commitment.
  

• You may be conscious of wanting less and may methodically limit how much you give as a means of avoiding the expectation of commitment.
  

• You resent realistic expectations, such as intimacy, shared time, or fidelity.
  

• You are very skillful at avoiding commitment and have a complex repertoire of built-in behavior patterns, such as infidelity; these help you maintain distance.
  

• You are conscious of having disappointed and hurt your partners.
  

Within your relationships are you usually the partner who wants more? If so:

• You have often been anxious because you believe your partner is not giving you the sense of emotional security you need.
  

• You are conscious of always trying to get your partner to do or say something concrete that will cement the relationship.
  

• Your partners have frequently failed to fulfill your expectations.
  

• You spend an inordinate amount of time and energy trying to ease or push your partner into more of a commitment.
  

• Your partners have often hurt and disappointed you.
  

The more-less theme brings up an important point: When people with commitment issues get together, they rarely move forward together, side by side, at the same pace. Instead they are out of synch. One moves closer, the other moves away; one moves away, the other moves closer. And it isn’t always the same person who is trying to propel the relationship forward. Partners can change places and go backward or forward many times depending upon circumstances. This is an exhausting and painful process.

2.
One or more important relationships in your history has ended because you or your partner got scared
.

Have you ever panicked and felt as though you wanted to run away from the person you were involved with? Have you ever been in love with someone who behaved this way? Outright panic is the trademark of a relationship in which one or both partners’ problems with commitment have gotten out of control.

This level of commitment anxiety typically emerges when the situation becomes overwhelmingly “real.” That’s when panicked partners, having decided they will be stuck forever unless they “get out now,” are most likely to act out their anxieties by becoming rejective and running away.

We have all heard of individuals unexpectedly leaving a relationship, a person, or a situation. Because the circumstances under which someone may run are so different, it’s not always easy to see commitment anxiety as the unifying theme. Keep in mind:
Everyone has a different perception of what constitutes a permanent commitment
. For example, fear of “forever after” can take place:

• After a particularly good first date
  

• As an overreaction to the first night of sexual intimacy
  

• After a year of so of dating, just when the relationship has progressed to a level where a deeper commitment seems appropriate
  

• Right before the wedding, when one partner realizes that he or she is in deep water
  

• After marriage, when one partner wakes up and considers the enormity of the commitment that has been made
  

• As a reaction to the birth of a child
  

• As a reaction to the completion of a family (birth of the last child)
  

• As a reaction to a major joint purchase such as a house
  

• After many years of a solid marriage as a reaction to the aging process
  

3.
You have been involved in more than one relationship in which awkward limitations have been placed on intimacy
.

Intimacy is supposed to be a primary motivation in establishing a romantic relationship. But men and women with commitment issues often are unable to allow intimacy to develop in an easy way. Instead they inhibit closeness by setting up unreasonable boundaries or barriers that restrict the relationship and keep it from growing.

Boundaries are good. Boundaries are healthy. Many people work for years in therapy to learn to define and protect their own boundaries. But often people with commitment issues are not merely self-protective, they’re downright exclusionary. They have lives so compartmentalized that no other person will ever know what is going on.

Establishing boundaries is a very effective way of staying in complete control of when, if, and how a romantic relationship develops and how close another person ever gets. Boundaries are also a way of informing others not to have any expectations. Here are some of the ways in which a determined man or woman can maintain distance and keep a relationship from growing:

• By setting up limits in terms of time and availability
  

• By denying access to parts of his or her world (not inviting a partner to family or work-related functions, not introducing a partner to friends)
  

• By refusing to participate fully in a partner’s world (turning down invitations to special events, avoiding a partner’s family and friends)
  

• By not sharing holidays, birthdays, and special occasions
  

• By not sharing special interests
  

• By placing peculiar restrictions on exchanges of money or gifts so that there will be no expectations
  

• By placing unreasonable restrictions on sexuality
  

• By establishing a life-style that clearly says, “I want to be alone”
  

• By making it clear that you perceive all expectations such as intimacy and/or exclusivity as unwelcome demands
  

4.
You have a history of becoming involved with inappropriate partners
.

In this day and age it seems peculiar to think of anyone as being inappropriate, and yet sometimes two people are so specifically
not meant for each other that it is practically impossible for the relationship to survive. There may be insurmountable age differences, religious differences, cultural differences, political differences, or life-style differences. These are present from the very first date, and they are not going away. Often we initially overlook these built-in conflicts. Then as the relationship continues, we realize that there are things that are really important to us and that this relationship will never provide them.

If you’re going to establish a meaningful relationship with an appropriate partner, you first need to face the many ways you have been selecting inappropriate partners. Sometimes it’s obvious, but often it isn’t. The person you’re involved with may be wonderful and kind and nurturing and generous and great-looking and brilliant and deep; he or she may be all kinds of things. But there are so many insurmountable conflicts that the relationship can never grow. On some level, be it conscious or unconscious, you know it, and you’re drawn to it.

Of course not all relationships have to progress to commitment. Two adults can certainly determine conjointly that they will be together for only a limited period of time because the differences between them are too great. For example, he is a conservative Republican, she is a liberal Democrat, but they decide they will have a pleasant but limited relationship—limited because if they ever discuss politics, it will get ugly. These are personal decisions made by two people, and that’s okay.

But what about starting a relationship with someone you know you will ultimately reject for being too old, too young, too poor, too rich, too white, too black, too Hispanic, too Asian, too ethnic, too Waspy, too Catholic, too Jewish, too Protestant, and so on. Often it feels very liberating to run toward someone who is different from you, but if you know in your heart of hearts that you will never have the courage or the commitment to stay with the relationship, it’s only fair to make sure that your partner is
completely
aware of your inner feelings.

And before you utter a word about how committed you have been to your inappropriate relationships, before you rush to the defense of every inappropriate partner with whom you have become involved, stop for a moment, and think. Could you be run
ning toward people you eventually “discover” are inappropriate because you are running away from commitment?

5.
In all your important relationships either you or your partner have done something to create or maintain distance
.

Men and women with unresolved commitment conflicts crave distance. Yes, they want relationships. Yes, they want closeness. But they just can’t be too close for too long. It’s too threatening. So there are two choices: Either find a relationship with built-in distance—such as with an inappropriate partner—or manufacture or create distance in an existing relationship.

There are a wide variety of ways in which someone can create distance. Infidelity, for example, can be a way of finding distance. Getting lost in work or at the gym or behind a newspaper are other common ways. Any activity or behavior that is used to keep another person from getting too close is a way of maintaining distance and avoiding real commitment.

6.
Your most intense romantic feelings have been directed toward partners when they appear to be pulling away from a commitment to you
.

When a relationship is progressing smoothly, both partners’ feelings for each other are evolving more or less on an even keel. When people with commitment issues get together, this is never the case. In fact it may very obviously be quite the opposite.