Hidden Barriers (15 page)

After several minutes of sitting in silence, Sam peers over at me. Her tender hand reaches over to touch my own. “Talk to me, please.”

Rubbing my other hand along the back of my neck, I stare back into her imploring eyes and shake my head as everything is still processing. “Fuck, Sam. I had no idea it was that bad. I had an idea something had happened, but not that, and it wasn’t my place to ask. After our date last week, I didn’t know. I mean, I wasn’t sure about us, but now it makes sense. I’m so sorry. You have to forgive me for…” I can’t finish the sentence. I can’t tell her what I did just hours ago. Not tonight. Tonight I need to just help her.

“How can you be sorry? I’m the one who kept everything hidden from you about my past. How could you know what I needed?” she says without hesitation. “Josh, tell me we can still try to make this work between us. I know I’ve pushed you away so much, and call me selfish, but I want you in my life. There is something that makes my stomach twist in knots and my heart race whenever you’re around, and then another part of you brings a comfort to me that I don’t want to lose.”

Inching cautiously toward her, I intertwine my fingers with hers as her hand is still on mine. There is no sign of wariness. She’s steady as a rock right now. It’s almost as though having me here and getting her history out in the open has helped her, or it could be the bottle of Jack that is now sitting almost empty on the floor.

Although the threat of her ex-boyfriend could return in another couple of weeks, right here, right now, she’s safe with me. Unhurriedly, I pull up her chin and move my face closer until we are only inches apart. “Is it okay if I kiss you?” Nodding yes, she pulls her bottom lip with her teeth. I pull her closer until my lips connect with hers. She surprises me by pushing her tongue gently against my lips, granting her access.

Sam’s other hand reaches up to grab the back of my neck, pulling me tighter and deepening our kiss. Soft moans escape her throat, causing my dick to stir in my pants. We both pull back suddenly, gasping for our own breath as I adjust my growing erection within my boxer briefs.

Sam continues to stare at our hands before asking something I never thought I’d hear from her lips. “Josh, do you think you could stay for a while? Maybe just talk or watch TV with me? We could order some food or something. I don’t want to be alone right now.”
“I’ll stay as long as you need me to,” I say, placing a soft kiss on her forehead. “Plus, I can’t leave for a while anyway from the dent it appears we put in that bottle of Jack.” I tilt my head toward the bottle on the floor. I lean over and pick it up, making my way to the door. As I turn back to Sam, she continues to watch me from the window seat. “Find a movie on TV, whatever you want, and I’ll go see what I can order for food. And, no, I’m not bringing you candy. Is pizza okay?”

“Pizza sounds great, but since you won’t bring me candy, can you bring up a couple of sweet teas from the fridge?”

“Let me guess. They’re loaded with sugar.” I shake my head, knowing I’ve been defeated.

“You know me all too well.” She chuckles as she stands to grab the remote for her television as I leave the room.

Something tells me we’re going to work through this just fine. My only concern now is how she’ll react when she asks about my history with other women, and I know she will.

The flicker of the television is the first thing I notice as I wake up from a deep sleep. Trying to focus, I stretch out my arms, but a brunette is holding back my right arm with her arms wrapped around my waist. Looking down, I notice Sam’s peaceful face as she sleeps. She stirs slightly as I attempt to move away.

We must have fallen asleep in her bed somewhere in between eating pizza and watching some chick flick she made me suffer through. We were laughing and talking about her upcoming roller derby event, and then we must have passed out with the television and lamp still on.

Her arm tightens around me, as I’m about to move out of her grasp in bed. Her soft voice vibrates against my chest. “Josh, please stay.”

I move my hand down to push her hair from her face and lean over, resting my chin against her head. “I’ll never leave you, Sam. I promise.”

It’s at this moment I realize this one girl has the ability to break me. That is, if she hasn’t already done it. Jeremy has his soul mate waiting for his return home tomorrow. Emily has been his kryptonite since they met years ago. I may have thought for years that my future was meant to be with Sue, but as I stare at Sam, I have to disagree.

Sue was my first love. Letting her go was something I did to prevent her from getting hurt. Had I not done that, I may never be where I am now. Sam moves, and her eyes flutter open, unaffected by the fact that I am lying next to her, wrapped in her arms. “Hey,” she says.

“Are you all right with this?” I ask, gently stroking her back.

“Yeah, surprisingly, I’m fine,” she answers, running her fingers over my stubble along my cheek. Her fingers slowly begin making their way down over my chest until she reaches the hem of my shirt. I eye her hand as it slowly rubs underneath the fabric, and I feel her fingertips touching my skin.

“Sam? What are you doing?” I ask breathlessly.

“Has anyone ever told you to stop asking so many questions and just go with the flow?” Her hand creeps a little further up my stomach. The more she trails her fingers over me, the harder it is to try to keep my dick from coming to life. Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to think of anything besides what I know her hands are doing to me.

“Yeah, well, that was before I found a sassy little brunette with a candy fetish. Going with the flow would mean I’d be doing things to you that I’m not entirely sure you’re ready for,” I say as my fingers suddenly find themselves sneaking their way under her fleece along the back of her pants.

“Josh, I’m not saying no just yet. The only way to know is to try, and I
want
you to try.”

“God, Sam, you have no idea how bad I want you.”
“Well, showing me would be a good start.” She lightly chuckles as her hand moves to undo my pants button and zipper.

“Sam—”

“Shhh,” she interrupts as her hand reaches into my open fly and cups my dick outside my boxer briefs. Her lips linger closely over my ear as I feel her subtle sucking on my lobe. “Touch me.”

Unsure of how to approach her and my growing need to be inside her, I roll her slowly onto her back. Considering she’s been running her fingers over my dick for the last five minutes, the sudden break from the torture of her hand is a blessing. I prop myself over her heated body as she runs her foot over my calf and bites her bottom lip.
Fuckin’ temptress.

She must sense my hesitation about going anywhere with her at the moment because she initiates the contact by grabbing the hem of her fleece and slowly pulling it over her head. “Sam?” I question, wondering just how far she’s planning to take this. Having her lie here beneath me in nothing but a pair of black leggings and a bra is taking all my strength not to ravage her.

Not saying a word, Sam takes my hand and places it against her skin, never losing eye contact with me. “I said touch me, Officer Page. Are you going to tell me you’ve never frisked anyone before? Maybe I need a full body search,” she taunts as she raises her pelvis toward my dick.

I quickly shut my eyes, trying to keep from acting with my dick and not my head. Releasing a long growl, I look back at Sam. “You keep talking and doing stuff like that, sugar, and I will regret everything I could possibly do to you right now.”

Sam leans up and rests on her elbows, so she’s just within inches of my face. “Stop treating me as though I’m going to break. Test the freakin’ waters and help put my past behind me. I said frisk me, so I
need
you to do just that. If that leads to doing other things, roll with the punches.”

Shit.

“Who are you, and what happened to the Sam I know?” I ask before slamming my mouth onto hers. My hands pull her into my body as her arms give out and move around my neck. Her fingers tug on the short cut strands at the right amount of pressure to turn me on even more.

Sam’s body goes completely lax when my thumb begins rubbing her breast over her bra. Throwing the rulebook out the window, I decide to take a chance and see where the waters take me with her. Pulling down her bra cup, I release her perfectly rounded breast and run my finger over her nipple. This simple action has her slamming her head back into her pillow.

“Oh my God, Josh. I haven’t felt this feeling in so long,” she says in a breathy voice etched with lust.

That’s all I need to hear before I lose all the restraint I have left. “Sugar, I’m going to make you feel like a queen when I’m done with you tonight. You’ll be asking for more than a frisk.”

Something keeps playing over and over in my mind as Josh sucks on my nipple. Something is telling me I am falling hard for this man who continues to make me feel whole again. The only trouble with this is if I fall too hard, too fast, he’ll have the power to break me like no other person can.

Josh’s voice interrupts my thoughts. “Stop thinking about whatever is going on in that head of yours.” He stops to cover my breast with my bra. “I’ll stop. I know I’ve already lost you anyway.”

“Sorry. It’s just…I don’t know. Something about this, with you, it all seems right. I just don’t know how to process it. I want you to touch me, kiss me, and for whatever freakin’ reason, I want to feel your body flush against mine, but I’m scared it’s too fast,” I say as Josh continues to run his fingers over my bare stomach. He lightly traces circles around my belly button, causing my stomach to do somersaults.

“Sam, look at you right now. After everything that happened in your past, the fact that you are lying here in my arms, wanting this with me, and you aren’t shaking in fear is a huge step for you. We can move as slow as you want. I’ll follow your lead. Just tell me when you’re ready.”

“So, this thing with us, you really want to make it work?”

“When have I given you any doubt that I don’t want you to be all mine?”

“But, you could have any girl out there. What makes me so special?” I respond. Josh tilts his head back, letting out a heavy sigh. As he rolls over to lie on his back, I suddenly feel too
exposed in only my bra. Grabbing my fleece, I quickly push my arms and head through to cover myself. I sit up with my back against my headboard and pull up my knees, wrapping my arms tightly around them. “What aren’t you telling me?” I ask him as he continues to stare at my ceiling, void of any emotion.

“Sam, I’m not going to lie to you. It wouldn’t be fair, considering how forthcoming you’ve been with me tonight, but you’re special because you’re unique, sassy, and most times, you just say ‘fuck it’ to the world. But, then there’s a side of you that you keep hidden. It’s so deep inside you that sometimes I don’t think even you know it’s there. You opened a little piece of that to me tonight, but there is more in there waiting to erupt, and once it does, you might even amaze yourself.”

“Josh—”

“No, let me say this,” he interjects as he sits up, so he’s facing me now. “I’ve loved one woman since I was eighteen, but I let her go when I thought she would be better off living a life without the pressures of my career choice. It took me some time to realize I was young and made a mistake. After that, she remained best friends with my sister, while I never made an effort to get her back in my life. I’ve screwed a lot of random girls over the years, and for that, I’m not proud, but I knew after one night last year I had to finally let her go. I needed to move on with my life, because there would never be a place for me in her heart again.”