Highland Fling (22 page)

Walter and Sally, who had not seen the pictures before, gasped with amazement as they entered the room, and for several moments were left quite speechless. The pictures were indeed, at first sight, most peculiar and Albert appeared to have employed any medium but the usual. Some of them stood right out like bas reliefs, while various objects such as hair, beards, buttons and spectacles were stuck on to them. Others were executed entirely in string, newspaper and bits of coloured glass.

The first picture –
Child with Doll –
had a real doll stuck across it. The child also had real hair tied up with blue ribbons. The next on the catalogue,
‘No 2. Fire irons, formal design,’
represented a poker and tongs and was executed in small pearl buttons, varying in shade from dead white to smoke-grey. This was framed in empty cotton-reels.

The most important picture in the exhibition was
‘No. 15. The Absinthe Drinker
’. This was tremendously built out, the central figure – that of a woman – being in a very high relief. On her head was perched half a straw hat with black ostrich feathers. In
one hand was a glass filled with
real
absinthe. This was felt by Albert himself to be his masterpiece.

The only painting in the ordinary sense of the word, was his portrait of Sally, which, hung between two huge still-lifes with surgical limbs, stuffed birds and ukuleles stuck all over them, hardly showed up to its best advantage.

Mr Buggins was rather shocked at this travesty of painting, but was nevertheless obliged to admit that there was a great deal of force in the pictures, while the Monteaths, when the first sensation of surprise had left them, pronounced themselves in raptures.

Albert was evidently in a state of nerves and hardly listened to what was said, but went from picture to picture, adjusting the feathers of
The Absinthe Drinker
at a slightly less-tipsy angle, retying one of
Child with Doll’s
hair-ribbons and borrowing Jane’s comb with which to tidy its hair. Finally, he ran round combing all the hair and beards that he could find.

The others stood about rather gloomily wishing that the party would begin. Albert’s nervousness had imparted itself to them and especially to Jane, who was terrified that the pictures (much as she personally admired them) might be a most dreadful failure.

If this happened, she thought selfishly, a gloom would certainly be cast over their whole wedding.

Albert, from having always before been perfectly indifferent as to what people might think of his work, now that the pictures were about to be exhibited had become almost childishly anxious for them to have a success.

The first guest appeared in the shape of Ralph, who was received with exaggerated cries of joy.

‘Ralph dear, how nice of you to come so early! We
were
hoping someone would come soon. You will try and make the party go, Ralph, won’t you? We’re all simply terrified, and it’s sure to be sticky at first, so promise to help?’

Ralph smiled sadly.

‘So these are your pictures, Albert,’ he said, and very slowly walked round the Gallery, carefully examining each one from various angles. Having completed the tour he went up to Albert and said earnestly, ‘
Go on
painting, Albert. I mean that. Go on with it and one day you will be a very considerable artist indeed. Goodbye, my dears, I must go home to bed.’

‘Don’t go!’ they cried in disappointed voices; but he took no notice of their protestations and left the Gallery.

Albert wiped his eyes. He was more than touched and flattered by this attitude of Ralph’s, and followed his friend out into the street to tell him so.

Jane broke rather an awkward silence by wondering who the next visitor would be. It was felt that Ralph had not exactly proved the life and soul of the party.

‘I think this is quite awful,’ said Walter. ‘I’m not easily frightened myself, but the beginning of a party is always apt to upset me; and now in addition to the social fear I’m suffering, there is this enormous empty room with Albert’s terrifying pictures. The whole atmosphere is painful to a degree. Not that I don’t think the pictures very clever, mind you, Jane, because I do, and they will certainly cause a great sensation, but you must admit that they
are
terrifying, specially for that child. Sally, darling, I beg you won’t look at it for too long, because if Morris-Minerva even faintly resembles it I shall commit infanticide on the spot.’

Sally now had a brainwave.

‘Why don’t we begin the cocktails?’

This brilliant idea was immediately acted upon, and when Albert came back a more cheerful atmosphere was pervading the whole place. He felt glad of a drink himself after an emotional scene with Ralph in the street.

The next arrival was Admiral Wenceslaus, who came in rather jauntily, saying:

‘And don’t offer me a cocktail; I never touch the things. How are you? How are you all?’

He took the cocktail which Albert was rather diffidently holding out towards him and drank it off at a single gulp.

‘My dear Gates, I have brought back your trousers which I have had well pressed for you. They needed it. And also a little wedding present in the shape of a book which I thought you might read on your honeymoon. It is by an old friend of my own, Admiral Sir Bartelmass Jenks, and is entitled
The Prize Courts and Their Functions or The Truth About Blockade
. The prize courts, my dear Gates, as you know, investigate the case of ships captured in times of war.…’

At this moment, as so often happens at parties, about twenty people all came in a lump together and the admiral, deprived of his audience, settled down to some more cocktails.

Soon the room was buzzing and humming with talk. The pictures, as Walter had foreseen, were causing a real sensation. People were, for the most part, very guarded in their criticism, asking each other rather anxiously what they thought about them.

Not so, however, Lady Prague, who, imposing but dowdy in a coat of Paisley pattern with brown fur, was accompanied by General Murgatroyd and Lady Brenda Chadlington.

She walked round the Gallery rather flat-footedly, pausing here and there to inspect the more outstanding pictures rather closely with her nose almost touching them, and then at an exaggerated distance (a trick she had learnt while visiting the Royal Academy).

When she had completed this tour she turned to Lady Brenda.

‘Of course, Brenda, I expect it’s my own fault, but I really think these pictures are very ugly. Not the sort of thing I should care to have in a drawing-room at all. In fact, I don’t see that you could call this Art. I mean, when you think of those
wonderful Dutch pictures we saw last year. These are so terribly out of drawing. And then, all that hair! Well, I suppose they’re very clever, but –’

Lady Brenda said, ‘Ssh! they will hear you,’ and General Murgatroyd said loudly and angrily that it was another art hoax and that he was not the least taken in by it.

‘If you want to see some really good pictures,’ he said, ‘go to the Army and Navy stores. There’s one I saw yesterday – some sheep going into a little birch wood with a mist – early morning, I should say. I think of buying it for Craig’s silver wedding – silver birches, you know; makes it rather suitable.’

‘Personally, I’m glad I have a sense of humour,’ went on Lady Prague, warming to her subject. ‘That controversy about Rima now: what I said was, “Why be angry? Every time you want a good laugh in future you only have to go into Hyde Park and there it is!” Killing! A perfect scream!

‘Ah! here’s Jane. Well, my dear, congratulations on your engagement. We are just admiring your fiancé’s pictures – quite pretty, aren’t they? No cocktail, thank you, dear, I’m
not
very modern, I’m afraid.’

The Gallery was suddenly and surprisingly invaded by a large crowd of people dressed in the deepest mourning and carrying wreaths; among others, Jasper Spengal, who rushed up to Albert saying breathlessly:

‘Such heaven, my dear! We’ve just been having a mock funeral. We bought a plot at the London Necropolis and we drove for miles and miles through the streets in carriages with black horses, and all the time Julius was in the coffin in grave-clothes which we bought at Harrods. And, did you know that one has grave-stockings, too? Then, when we reached our plot in the Necrop, he just pushed up the lid and walked out, and we all picked up the wreaths and ran for dear life.

‘Oh, I wish you could have seen the gravediggers’ faces! It was a really beautiful moment. Then we all packed into my car and
Rosie’s car and came on here, and we’ve brought the flowers for you and Jane because you are engaged. So suitable, we think,’ and he laid his wreath at Albert’s feet. An enormous card was tied to it, bearing the inscription:

Lady Prague, who had been drinking in every word of all this, said loudly and angrily, ‘Those are the Bright Young People, no doubt. How very disgusting! Come along, Brenda, I’m going. Can I drop you anywhere, Mowbray?’

‘Yes, if you happen to be passing the Marlborough.…’

‘Oh, darling!’ cried Jasper. ‘Did you hear what she called us? What a name! Bright Young People! Oh, how unkind to suggest that we are bright – horrid word – I see nothing bright about a funeral, anyway, do you? What a nasty old woman! I’m so – so glad she’s gone!

‘Now, darling, I must telephone – may I? – to the
Daily Runner
and tell them all about it: they’ll just have nice time to write it up. We had six photographers and a cinematograph at the graveside, and the light has been very good today, luckily. Would you like to be photographed among the wreaths, darling? It might give quite a good boost to the exhibition.’

‘I think not, Jasper, thank you so much. The press people were here this morning and this is by way of being serious, you know, not a “freak party,” ’ said Albert rather crossly. His nerves were on edge, and the mock funeral, which would at any other time have amused him a lot, struck him as being a painfully stupid idea.

He was thankful when they all dashed away to hear the will read at Jasper’s house, leaving the wreaths piled up underneath
The Absinthe Drinker
, especially as Jane’s father and mother came in a moment later.

The Dacres, of course, thought Albert’s pictures perfectly raving mad, although they were too polite to say so. They had come with every intention of buying one, but decided in whispers that they were too dreadful – even for a lavatory, so they ordered copies of ‘Recent Finds at Dalloch Castle’ instead. While they were doing this, they noticed that Mrs Fairfax had arrived, and Lady Dacre, remarking that she refused to shake hands with that woman, left the Gallery, taking Sir Hubert in tow.

‘My dear!’ said Mrs Fairfax to Albert,’I had to come round for a moment to support you, but I am most frightfully busy. Have you heard the news? Well, I’m going to marry Cosmo again, which is lovely, because I do enjoy being a duchess when all’s said and done, and now, with any luck, I shall be one for the rest of my life. You can’t think what a difference it makes in shops and trains. Aren’t your pictures divine? Especially the one of Florence in tweed.

‘Ralph and I were furious to miss the fire, but it was lucky I went to Gleneagles, because that’s where I met Cosmo again – in the swimming-bath – and we got on so well comparing notes about our various husbands and wives that we fixed it up there and then; so I must fly now and get on with my trousseau. If I have another baby, what relation will it be to Bellingham? Goodbye, darling, then. I really have to go.’

Isaac Manuel, the art critic and collector, now put in an appearance, and Albert spent nearly an hour going round the pictures with him. He was greatly soothed and comforted by the older man’s intelligent appreciation of his work.

‘You are very young,’ he said to Albert as he was leaving, ‘and your style is often crude and bombastic, but all the same, Mr Gates, I must admit that I am very favourably impressed. I have not enjoyed an afternoon so much for some time. I predict a future for you if you realize, as I can see you do, that these methods are, in themselves, far from satisfactory and only a
means to an end. Keep the end always in view and you may become a very good artist indeed. I shall certainly see that you have an excellent notice in my paper, and shall most probably present one of your pictures to the nation. Good day.’

When Albert returned to the Gallery from seeing Mr Manuel into the street, he found that everyone had gone except Jane, Sally, Walter and the admiral who appeared to have fallen asleep among the funeral wreaths, a terrifying sight as his glass eye remained open, fixed upon the ceiling in a fearful stare.

‘What do you think that horrid old admiral has done?’ cried Jane. ‘To start with he drank so many cocktails that there weren’t nearly enough to go round, and then when they were finished he got a straw from one of the wreaths and drank all the absinthe out of the glass in your picture. Sally actually saw him do it.’

‘No, really that’s too much,’ said Albert, who couldn’t help laughing all the same. ‘I suppose in future I shall be obliged to fill that glass with coloured water, otherwise people will make a habit of drinking it, and you can see for yourselves how terribly the colour values are disturbed when the glass is empty.’

‘Well, my dear Albert, I congratulate you,’ said Walter warmly. ‘The whole thing was a great success, a really good party. And everyone thought the pictures quite brilliant. Manuel was very much impressed. I heard him tell Mr Buggins that he intends to buy one for his collection, and most probably one for the nation.’

‘Clever Albert,’ said Jane. ‘Darling, I’m so pleased, aren’t you? What’s the time, by the way?’

‘Past seven. We’d better go, I think. No one’s likely to come now, and we’ll have to be rather quick if we’re really dining at eight.’

They picked up their bags, hats and other belongings and began to move towards the door, when Walter said:

‘Look here! What about the admiral? He seems to have passed
out completely among those lilies. We can’t very well leave him like that, can we?’