Highland Fling (4 page)

There was a long silence. Walter sat down rather heavily.

‘Well?’ said Sally.

‘Well, what?’

‘Shall we do it? Listen, my precious. I know it would be awful and I expect you’d simply hate it, poor sweet, and nothing to what I should, but still, facts must be faced. If we do this we shall save money for two solid months, and after that, if you like, we could probably afford to spend a little time in Paris, if we could let the flat. Albert might be able to tell us of some nice cheap hotel there.’

Walter became sulkier every minute.

‘I won’t stay at a cheap hotel in Paris. Paris to me means the Ritz. I’m very sorry – it’s the way I’m made. Besides, it’s well
known to be cheaper in the end to stay at the Ritz, because otherwise one has to keep taking taxis there to see who’s arrived. And I won’t let the flat. It never pays to let houses, because of all the damage that is done by tenants.’

‘Perhaps we could manage to have a week at the Ritz if we went to Scotland, funny creature,’ she said, tickling the back of his neck.

Walter laughed and began kissing her hand, one finger at a time.

‘What d’you think, then?’

‘How d’you mean? What do I think?’

‘Walter, you’re being extremely tiresome, darling. You know quite well what I mean.’

‘My precious angel, I’ve often noticed how clever you are at getting your own way, and if you’ve really made up your mind that we’ve got to have two months of potted hell in Scotland I suppose nothing can save us. But I should just like to say here and now, that I’m quite sure it would be cheaper in the end to go to the Lido. I know you wouldn’t think so, but these economies always lead to trouble; I’ve seen it so often.’

‘But, darling, we haven’t even to pay our railway journey if we go in the car, and there can’t be any expenses up there.’

‘Well, mark my words. Anyhow, if we go, let’s make Albert come too, then we might get some fun out of it.’

‘Yes, of course, and we could ask some other chums. Jane, perhaps. It won’t be too bad really, you know. Sweet darling, not to make a fuss – are you sure you don’t mind terribly? Shall I ring up Aunt Madge now?’ She kissed the top of Walter’s head and went over to the telephone.

‘Hullo? Is Lady Craigdalloch there?… Mrs Monteath.… Don’t wander about, Walter, it puts me off. No, don’t – that’s my coffee.… Hullo, Aunt Madge? Sally speaking.… Yes, we’ve just got it.… Well, we think we’d love to.… No, sweet of you. Can we come and see you sometime and talk it over?… Yes, of
course, you must be frightfully. When do you go?… Oh, goodness what a rush for you!… Yes, we could be there in about half an hour.… All right, we’ll meet you there.… No, perfect for us. Goodbye!’

Sally hung up the receiver.

‘Where d’you think we’ve got to meet them? You’d never guess, but it’s so typical of them, really. The House of Lords! So come on, my angel, and dress, because I said we’d be there in half an hour.’

Sally and Walter were perched rather uncomfortably on a red leather fireguard in the Prince’s Chamber of the House of Lords. The magnificent personage, of whom they had inquired whether they could see Lord Craigdalloch, presently returned from his quest for that nobleman. ‘His lordship says he may be a little time, but I will inform her ladyship that you are here. Meanwhile, would you wait a few moments?’ He walked rather pompously to the other end of the room where he stood motionless.

‘Well, he doesn’t seem to be informing her,’ said Sally, ‘unless by telepathy. Still, I’m quite happy here, aren’t you? Of course, it just
is
one’s spiritual home, that’s all.
Why
didn’t I marry a peer? I’d really forgotten what a divine place it is, such ages since I’ve been here.’

‘Like church, isn’t it? I keep expecting the organ to peal forth. It rather reminds me of our wedding in some ways.’

‘More like a mausoleum, really. D’you see that very old man over there?’

‘I see the seven oldest living creatures, if you mean one of them.’

‘The one with the greenish face over by the statue of Queen Victoria.’

‘My dear, I hadn’t noticed him. But how awful! Can’t we help in some way? Is he dying?’

‘Oh, I expect sort of vaguely he is. This place mummifies people you know, without their having to die first, and they often go on creeping about like that for years. That’s why they’re called Die Hards. It is a most descriptive name for them, poor old sweets. Anyway, that particular one is a great friend of daddy’s, and he disinherited his eldest son for marrying a Catholic.’

‘Not really? It’s rather heavenly to think such people do still exist. What happened to the son, though – was he quite broke?’

‘Oh, no, not at all; the Catholic was immensely rich. So, to pay the old boy out, they took the grouse moor next to his in Scotland and started a stoat and weasel farm on it and quite soon all his grouse were eaten up by the weasels. Daddy says he never got over it – it nearly broke his heart.’

Walter looked round him for a few minutes in silence. ‘I haven’t seen anybody the least aristocratic-looking yet,’ he remarked presently, ‘except, of course, the boyfriend who is by way of informing your aunt that we are here. He’s a lovely man, but all the others look exactly like very old and decrepit doctors. I can imagine any of them pulling out a thermometer and saying, “Well, well, and how are we today? Put out your tongue and say ‘Ah.’ ” Now, there is rather a spry-looking one by the door. He might be a dentist or a
masseur
. What’s the muttering about in the next room?’

‘Someone making a speech. Uncle Craig, most likely, as they’re all trooping out. They can put up with a lot here (they have to, poor angels!), but it’s only the ones who can’t walk that stay and listen to Uncle Craig, and you should see the expression on their faces when they realize what they’re in for – pitiful, like trapped animals!

‘I heard him speak once about the peeresses in their own right who want to sit in the House of Lords. It was quite unintelligible and no wonder. His only real reason for not wanting them is that he thinks they might have to use the peers’
lavatory, and, of course, he couldn’t
say
that. Another time he was speaking on the Prayer Book, but somehow he got all his notes mixed up so the last half of his speech was all about new sewers for Bixton. Nobody noticed, of course, and he was able to square the reporters afterwards. Such an old duck, you know, but not exactly cut out to be a legislator.’

‘It has often occurred to me to wonder, if there were a revolution tomorrow, how the mob would know which were the nobles,’ said Walter. ‘Personally I’ve always been terrified that I should be left behind when all my friends were being hurried off in the tumbrils to the echoing cry of, “
A bas les aristos!
” Never mind, I shall have my turn next day when the intelligentsia is being wiped out.’

‘On the contrary, my angel, you’ll hang about hoping for weeks, until at last, after all your acquaintances have died gloriously in front of Buckingham Palace or the Albert Memorial, you’ll be pitched into the Thames with the other
bourgeois
.’

‘Of course, it just would be one’s luck. Now who’d mind going to the scaffold between Lord Lonsdale and Mrs Meyrick! It would give one a social kick, you know. Think of the papers next day!

‘But as for all those old peers, they’ll have to parade up and down Piccadilly in their coronets if they want to be taken in the smart tumbrils, and even then I expect people would think they were an advertisement for something.’

At this moment the magnificent personage strolled up to
where Walter and Sally were sitting and said that Lord Craigdalloch was about to speak and if they would care to follow him he would conduct them to the Strangers’ Gallery, which he then proceeded to do, leading them up and down several corridors and staircases until they came to a small door, through which he pushed them into inky blackness. They groped their way to seats into which they subsided thankfully. Far below them there emerged from the gloom a sort of choked muttering.

After a few moments their eyes became more or less accustomed to the darkness and they were able to distinguish various objects – the throne, the Peeresses’ Galley, occupied by the stately figure of Lady Craigdalloch, who blew kisses to them, and two or three large tables at which some men were writing. Finally, they recognized Lord Craigdalloch. He was standing near one of the tables, and the muttering seemed to proceed from his lips. Sally was sorry, though in no way surprised, to notice that his audience consisted solely of themselves, Aunt Madge, an old bearded man seated on one of the benches with a pair of crutches just out of his reach and another stretched at full length on a red divan.

The Monteaths feverishly endeavoured to catch a few words of what their uncle was saying, but without success. As they sat straining their ears, two Frenchmen were shown into the gallery and, feeling their way to a seat, began to converse in whispers. They seemed much intrigued by the man on the divan.

‘Dites donc, ce lord sur le sofa, il est saoul?’

‘Je dirais plutôt malade.’

‘Eh bien, moi j’crois qu’il est ivre.’

‘Que c’est lugubre ici.’

‘Oui, rudement rasant.’

Lord Craigdalloch now raised his voice slightly and the words, ‘the noble lord behind me …’ were heard.

‘The noble lord behind him has evidently slipped away,’ murmured Sally, observing the rows of empty benches.

The old man with the beard now began to scrabble feverishly for his crutches, and finally, after a prolonged and unsuccessful effort to reach them, took off his watch-chain and lassoed one of them with it. He then hooked the other one with the crutch part and drew it towards him. Having planted them firmly underneath his armpits he hopped away with incredible agility, not, however, before Lord Craigdalloch had just time to say, loudly and portentously, ‘My noble friend opposite.’

The departure of the only conscious member of his audience seemed now to spur him to greater vocal efforts and whole sentences could be heard at a time.

‘I am convinced, m’lords, that this danger is very real. It is a very real danger. What did Scipio Africanus say?’ Here he began struggling with the notes he held in his hand, but was evidently unable to find what Scipio Africanus had said. The sleeper on the divan, subconsciously aware that something was expected of him, turned rather heavily and groaned out, ‘ ’Ear! ’ear!’

‘M’lords, it has been said in another place,’ continued the speaker in no way put out by this slight setback, ‘that it is a very real danger. The Dukeries, m’lords, with all due respect to the noble duke behind me, are
not
to be confounded with the Fisheries. As my noble friend has so aptly remarked, it is anomalous to pretend that they are analogous.…’

Another rather younger peer now came in, sat down opposite the divan and began to read some letters.

‘Enfin, on vient au secours du pauvre vieux.’

‘Mais non, il n’y fait même pas attention.’

‘Mon Dieu! Eh bien, voilà. C’est le flegme Britannique. Que voulez-vous? Dites donc, si on partait? Ce n’est pas follement gai ici.’

‘Est-ce qu’on ôse?’

‘Allons. Filons vite. Courage, mon ami.’

The Frenchmen got up and left the gallery.

At last Lord Craigdalloch made his peroration, which was
quite inaudible, and sat down. The man who was reading letters sprang to his feet as though fearful of interruption (a danger, however, which hardly seemed pressing as the house was empty except for the now prostrated Craigdalloch and their sleeping compeer on the sofa), and spoke rapidly and audibly:

‘M’lords, I have been asked to reply to the noble lord and I wish at the outset to express the thanks of the Government to the noble lord for so readily agreeing last May to postpone his Question, in view of the position as it then stood. At that time there was some uncertainty.…’

Here Lady Craigdalloch leant over the rail of the Peeresses’ Gallery and by a series of signals gave the Monteaths to understand that she was ready to go and would meet them outside.

When, after losing their way once or twice, they at last reached the Princes Chamber, they found her waiting there for them. A tall commanding woman with white hair and an Edwardian aspect, she had, in the days when big pale faces and Grecian features were admired to the exclusion of everything else, been considered a beauty. She had still considerable remains of looks and the unmistakable manner of one who has been courted in youth and flattered in middle-age.

‘Dear Sally,’ she said, embracing her niece rather voluminously, ‘I knew you would like to hear your uncle’s speech. It went off very well, didn’t it? Always such an anxiety to the dear thing. How well you are looking, Sally. Where did you get so wonderfully sunburnt?’

‘At Elizabeth Arden’s, Aunt Madge.’

Lady Craigdalloch inwardly supposed that this must be one of Walter’s Bright Young but Undesirable friends that she was always hearing so much about from Sally’s mother. The creature probably has a villa in the South of France – so much the better, those sort of people are not wanted in England, where they merely annoy their elders and breed Socialism. In
any case, she never understood this craving of the younger generation for a hideous brick-coloured complexion. If she had guessed for a moment that Sally stained hers every morning with stuff out of a bottle she would have thought her niece frankly mad.

‘Craig will join us in a moment. He wishes us to begin tea without him.’ She led the way down long, draughty, Gothic corridors to the tea-room, which, in contrast to other portions of the House, presented a scene of tempestuous gaiety. Several of the peers seated at the rather
intime
little tables were considerably under seventy, and one or two had relations and female friends with them whom they were entertaining with jokes and witticisms of the most abandoned description. Two bishops and some of their girlfriends were fairly rollicking over a pot of tea, while the old man with crutches was being jocularly accused by the Lord Chancellor of having wiped his beard on the tablecloth, an allegation which he could hardly refute, having been caught by that dignitary in the very act. Altogether there was a spirit of goodwill and friendly banter which seemed more or less lacking elsewhere in the building.