Hindsight (18 page)

He nodded and finished dressing himself before heading to the front door.

I watched him leave, making sure he was truly gone this time. I knew I couldn’t carry out the plan I had woken up with. I couldn’t pack my bags or dig up my money. He had made it very clear what would happen if I did. Plus, now that Sean had shown up when I was supposedly leaving, he would be an accomplice if I ever did leave. Tony wouldn’t forget that fact. But that didn’t stop me from going to see Sean. I had to make sure he was okay. I had to make sure he knew that this was only a roadblock, but it wouldn’t keep us from ultimately being together in the end.

I waited an hour, making sure Tony was really gone. I would never make that mistake again. He hadn’t called or shown back up, and I felt it safe to leave for a couple of hours. If he confronted me about leaving later on, I would simply tell him I needed to do some therapy shopping. He wouldn’t question that. I often went shopping after an attack, needing to escape the prison of the house. It wouldn’t seem like just an excuse to Tony. He would believe it.

I made it to Sean’s house, and noticed right away that his car was in his driveway so he should be at home. He had taken the day off from work, in anticipation of me leaving Tony. I knew there was a slight chance he would have gone in after what happened that morning at my house, but knowing Sean, it would have been too traumatic to have gone to work and dealt with people. He had to be destroyed by what had happened. I felt let down and I’m sure he did, too.

Sean opened his front door with a noticeable bruise on his cheekbone. I’m sure my eyes matched his as he studied the swelling around my eye. Standing in the doorway with the sun as our light, we each reached out a finger and caressed the other person’s wound. It was cathartic to say the least.

He pulled me inside and closed the door behind me. “What the hell happened, Char?” he asked, his voice full of pain and concern. It almost sounded like there may have been a hint of resentment, but if there was, he didn’t show it on his face.

“I was getting ready to leave… I thought he was gone… he wasn’t. I had heard the door slam but he tricked me. He was standing by the front door when I came downstairs.” For some reason, the words were hard to get out. I don’t know if it was because of the way he was looking at me or the emotions that had surrounded me like a cocoon. Whatever it was, I had a hard time talking. It was like I had to face the situation all over again as the words left my lips.

Without preamble, I pressed up on my tiptoes and closed my mouth over his before either of us could utter any additional words. I didn’t want to talk. I only wanted him to make everything better. I wanted him to take away the darkness, the pain, the emptiness inside of me that seemed to grow bigger and deeper as every moment passed. I felt desperate for his hands that seemed to heal me when everything went to shit.

I felt his hands move up my arms until they reached my collarbone, and then he gently pushed me away from him. I didn’t want the distance between us. I didn’t want any space between our bodies, but he knew what I was doing. He wasn’t going to allow me to mask the things we had bared witness to earlier that morning.

“You’re staying here, right? You have your things and you’re not going back to him, right?” he asked in the most desperate voice I had ever heard come from another human being.

I didn’t want to answer him. I knew the answer wasn’t what he was looking for. He wanted me to say yes, but I couldn’t. Neither one of us would be safe if I left. Everything Tony had said and did before leaving only further convinced me that I needed time. I needed to think it through. I couldn’t simply half-ass an idea for a week. I needed to plan, and then plan my plan. It had to be thorough and well thought out. Sean would never understand that. His only thought was desperation to get me as far away from Tony as possible. He wasn’t thinking about how vindictive Tony was or the fact that Tony had wondered why Sean had been over in the first place. He would be on to us if I disappeared now. The first place he would come was Sean’s house.

I shook my head without words.

His shoulders sagged and he dropped his head, touching his chest with his chin. The sunless room became darker and the air turned almost suffocating. I watched his hope diminish in front of me and it broke my heart.

“Sean,” I started, but he held his hand up to keep me from continuing. I felt hurt and disappointment flood my system. He was going to break up with me. I couldn’t live without him. The terrible thoughts dashed through my mind and I ignored them. Our relationship was stronger than that.

He turned around and walked away, taking a seat on the couch in the living room. “All I can think about is what would have happened to you had I not shown up. He would have killed you, Charlotte. I know it. I feel it in my gut. If I hadn’t shown up when I did, I would have walked in on your corpse. Do you have any idea what that thought does to me? And then hearing you tell me that you’re not getting out of there…” He let his sigh blow through his clenched teeth, letting out a long whistle.

I moved to stand in front of him, hoping to gain his attention. I didn’t, though; he continued to stare despondently at his clasped hands that hung between his legs. “I will leave. I can promise you that. But think about it… if I leave now, after what happened this morning, do you have any idea what he would do? To me and to you? It isn’t safe right now. This trial has set him on edge, more so than I have ever seen before.”

“So what, are you just going to wait until the trial is over?” he asked glumly.

I shrugged, honestly not having a clue as to what my plan was. “I don’t know how long I’ll have to wait until it’s safe enough. But I can’t risk something happening to you if I do it too early.” I would die if anything happened to him. I knew that’s how he felt about me, too, and my safety wasn’t secure in the position I was in. But we had no choice but to wait. At least until things calmed down a bit and he stopped suspecting that I’d leave.

“And you think I want to risk something happening to you if you wait too long?” he asked, finally looking up into my eyes. They held such sadness that I felt my knees weaken and nearly give out on me.

It devastated me that he felt so miserable. I lowered myself to his lap, straddling his legs so we were face-to-face with his arms around my waist and mine wrapped securely around his neck. I was a broken puzzle and he was my missing piece. I was as sure of it as I was the sky was blue. I needed him in my life, but my situation was hopeless.

“I think we can agree that it doesn’t matter when it happens, as long as Tony is alive, neither one of us is safe. So I think we should take the less risky route. That’s all I’m suggesting. I know Tony, and I know when to back off. I’ve been doing this for six years. Trust me, please,” I begged. Tony would be on high alert due to the morning’s incident. He would be checking on me all the time, not allow the leash he had fastened to me get too much slack.

He sighed, showing his relent. “Okay. But I’m not giving you forever. We need to come up with a new plan and work through it, together. We’ll figure it out, develop timelines and when the time is right, you’ll leave. I won’t wait a second longer than that.”

I wanted to agree with him with every fiber of my being, but I knew it would only be a lie and I couldn’t consciously lie to him. Instead, I kissed him again, letting my mouth make the agreement for me. I tried to remember every nuance of the kiss, not knowing how long it would be until I could feel my lips against his again.

His hands came up and held my face between them. His eyes opened and pierced mine. “He had you this morning, didn’t he?”

My stomach was in my throat as I thought of a way to answer. I didn’t want to lie but wanted to spare him the feelings my answer would invoke. I finally just decided to tell the truth. “Yes.”

“I can’t do this with you right now,” he said, stilling the movement my hips made against his jeans. “I won’t do it. I told you when this first started that if you wanted to go to him, full of me, then that was your call, but I refuse to be inside of you while you’re still carrying him around.”

“It’s not like that, Sean, and you know it.” I was desperate for him to understand. I had thought of him the entire time. Sean had been the center of my thoughts, not Tony. He didn’t even matter. What he did to me meant nothing.

“Did he take you by force?”

“He would have.”

“So you gave it to him…”

I touched his bruising cheek and gave him a slight smile. “I didn’t have a choice.”

“Isn’t that the same as him taking you by force? Why did you come here?” he asked meekly. I could tell he was battling within on how to handle the situation at hand.

I kissed him once more, briefly. “I want you to make it go away. I don’t want to feel him in me… I want you. Only you. Always you.” I kissed him again, but held his lips for a breath longer. “Please… make it go away.”

He returned my affection as my hips began to move on him, and I felt him physically give in to my pleas.

My mind was on the things his lips did to me as he removed our clothing. I hated to be naked, knowing it showed the physical scars that matched the emotional ones I felt inside, but around Sean, it felt freeing. It felt right. It felt safe.

The moment our bodies became one, everything else dissipated. We were the only two beings alive on the face of the earth. Nothing else mattered. Nothing. It was just Sean and me. There wasn’t anything I could compare the feeling to. It was powerful and overtook my every sense. I could feel him, taste him, hear him, see him, and breathe him. Sean wasn’t just in me… he was a part of me. Most of me. Consuming me until I was filled with him. And that’s exactly how I wanted it to be until the day I died.

Even if that day would come too soon.

November 18
th
, 2014

I was planning to spend my first day of freedom by shopping and then meeting up with Sean for dinner and drinks. Tony wasn’t coming back for two more days so the thought of spending the evening with Sean was, of course, at the forefront of my mind. I knew he would want me to spend the night with him, but I just couldn’t do that. In the back of my mind, I wondered if it was another of Tony’s tricks. I couldn’t deviate from my normal routine too much. An evening away from the house, I could cover easy. An entire night spent away, I couldn’t.

I went to my usual places to return my purchases. I had to be careful when I did them, I knew that they would remember my face and if I had gone back to the same person over and over again, suspicion would grow. I didn’t want that. Especially since I had become so desperate I was making multiple returns in one month. I knew that some of them already had figured out what I was doing, but they must have felt sorry for me because I was never questioned.

I would wait until the end of the month before buying anything. That way, the account would be paid in full while I made multiple trips in and returned the items. I couldn’t go in with everything and get back all the money at once; I had been smart enough to know that. If they refunded me over a thousand dollars at one time, there was no way they would give me cash. So I broke the returns up, saying I didn’t have the original receipt after the first time. I had learned that they could pull up receipts in their system. That was a relief.

***

I brushed the dirt off my jeans and stood up from my crouched position. I had just finished burying my money and I felt exuberant. Over the last month, my savings had grown and I finally started thinking I would be able to make it alone. I was sure I wouldn’t need much more to get away from Tony and live on my own.

Sean would be by in twenty minutes to pick me up so I needed to slip something on and freshen up before he arrived.

I was walking up the stoop when I noticed a man a few houses down. He had dark hair and was looking in my direction. I immediately looked away because I got caught staring. Then, when I looked back, he was gone.

My phone rang and made me jump a mile, then I laughed in spite of myself.

“Hello,” I answered with a smile.

“Hey, beautiful.” Sean’s friendly tone jingled through the sound waves and made butterflies dance giddily through my system.

“I’m looking forward to seeing you soon.”

“Well, it’s going to be sooner than you thought… I’m coming up your street now.”

“Sean!” I yelled at him through the phone. “I was going to take a quick shower!” I laughed in spite of myself. His mood was infectious and I could hear the happiness in his voice. I knew it stemmed from the fact that we would soon be together.

I heard a car pull into the driveway and looked up in alarm, even though he had just told me he was down the street. I wondered if I would ever lose the jumpiness, that feeling I had grown so accustomed to, like I was always on the edge, teetering. It was a weird feeling. One that I was excited to grow unaccustomed to.

I waved at Sean and plastered a smile on my face. It didn’t take long before my smile was genuine. It was so easy with Sean. He made things so easy. I loved him and that scared me. It scared me because I was afraid to lose what we had. I had gotten to a point where I couldn’t imagine life without him. He was my rock, my friend and sometimes my lover. But our relationship wasn’t built on sex. It was so much more than that.

“Hi,” I greeted him shyly as I walked toward him and stood on my tippy-toes to kiss him on the lips.

“I don’t think so!” he joked. He grabbed me and kissed me passionately on the lips, clearly not accepting my previous peck. It had been so long since we had been able to see each other. The phone conversations weren’t enough. I knew how he felt. I craved him too.

He finally pulled away and we were both struggling with the abundance of emotions that his kiss had awakened. The sensual feelings flowed through my body and I wanted to hump him where he stood. That’s what his kisses did to me. They made me forget everything and turn into a mindless, irresponsible person.

He patted me on my rear and we started toward the house. I needed to change quickly.

As we walked up the path to the front door, I felt prickles on the back of my neck. I immediately put my hand up to rub them away and then glanced over my shoulder. That’s when I saw him again. That same man who I had seen before. Why was he following me?

I turned to Sean. “Sean, he’s here again.”

Sean instantly pivoted so he was facing the sidewalk, but the man had vanished into thin air. I swear he was a magician, for he was able to appear at a moment’s notice and disappear even quicker.

“I don’t see him. He’s gone,” I said softly. “But he was there!” I insisted.

“I believe you,” Sean said gently, as if he was reassuring me that I wasn’t crazy. He kissed my forehead. “I’m glad to see you getting around so freely. Your knee is that much better?”

“Yup. It’s as good as new!”

“Go get ready so we can go to dinner.”

As I rushed up the front steps of the porch, with Sean at my heels, I couldn’t help but wonder if I were crazy. What if I were just imagining the man who reminded me of Tony? Maybe I was starting to lose my mind, as Tony always insinuated.

I told Sean I would be quick and he waited for me downstairs as I got ready. I rinsed off with a quick shower, changing my original plans of shaving every inch of my body. There wasn’t time for that now. Instead of taking the extra time to wash, condition, and then blow dry my hair into perfect silky waves, I just put it in a clip.

Twisting my now short hair back sent a pain straight through my heart, but I knew Sean was downstairs and that thought alone made everything right in the world. I no longer cared that I had to cut corners because it just meant that I would get to Sean sooner. More importantly, I wanted to be with him. I didn’t want to waste time with my beauty routines, I just wanted to be with Sean.

I sped back down the stairs, taking them two at a time. My knee felt as good as new and I hardly gave it a second thought anymore. I had been so lucky. The only thought in my head at the moment was spending the evening with Sean. It was making me giddy with excitement.

He was sitting on the couch with a white box in front of him on the coffee table. I hadn’t seen it there before and immediately worried what was in it. My steps slowed as I approached him, nervous that someone had left me something while I was getting ready.

“What’s that?” I pointed to the box and asked, startling him.

He looked up at me and smiled, his amber eyes glowing. “A present for you.”

“Where did it come from?”

“My car,” he said with a laugh. “I saw it and thought of you.”

I was so excited that I nearly ran to the package and tore it open, finding the most beautiful vase inside. I had no idea why he had gotten it for me and was scared to ask, not wanting to sound ungrateful for the lovely gesture.

He must have picked up on my hesitation and said, “It’s for your roses. I know how much you love them and thought maybe you’d like to have some inside as well.”

My heart melted. Literally melted at his words.

I pulled myself up on my tiptoes and kissed him and then had to force myself to put the vase away so we could leave for dinner.

On the way to the restaurant, we talked about our day, trading stories. Conversation was so easy with Sean. I found myself wanting to share every part of my life with him, which made me desperate. My situation with Tony was becoming harder and harder to bear. I didn’t know how much more I could take.

“Are you okay?” Sean took my hand as we pulled into the parking lot.

I nodded. I hadn’t noticed that I had gotten so quiet. I tried to squash down the melancholy mood that had tried to take over. I wanted to have fun tonight. I turned to him and impulsively took possession of his lips. I loved how soft they felt against mine and didn’t think I could ever tire of kissing them. I wanted to kiss them for the rest of my life. It still felt new, yet at the same time, when our lips molded together, it seemed so familiar. It was as if we had been practicing our entire lives. Our chemistry was undeniable.

Sean broke the kiss and was breathing hard. The want for me was displayed through the fabric of his pants and I blushed as I turned away. It was a good thing that my own arousal wasn’t as noticeable as his. However, if he had explored further, there would be no question that his lips gave me the same reaction that mine had obviously given him.

Sean kept readjusting his jeans as we walked up to the restaurant and I started to laugh at his uncomfortable position. It was mostly nervous laughter. I was a fairly modest person and had little sexual experience when I met Sean. The only other person I had been with was Tony and he always made me feel inadequate.

Sean grinned at me and said, “Are you enjoying the discomfort you caused me?”

“A little,” I answered shyly. It still amazed me that I could turn him on so intensely with just a kiss. Most of the time with Tony, I was convinced the only thing that had turned him on was the thought of a warm hole. It was never me that had turned him on and knowing I had that ability over someone gave me a power I wasn’t sure I knew how to handle.

“You are so sexy. It doesn’t matter what you do to me, you always turn me on. You could give me just a look and it would make my dick hard. I want you so badly right now. You’re all I think about.”

I gasped at his admission. Then flushed at the compliment he had given me. I felt the same way about him. I just wanted to be with him. Just being near him was enough. I knew exactly what he meant.

“Don’t go shy on me, Char. You know it’s true. I’m only home when I’m buried inside of you. The only music I ever want to hear is the sounds you make when I make you c—”

He was interrupted by the waiter who stopped by to take our drink order. I was sure my face was a deep red, embarrassed at what the stranger might have overheard. But Sean didn’t seem fazed by it, smirking the entire time we ordered our drinks.

His smile fell from his face as soon as the man walked away and I let out a loud sigh, looking everywhere but his face. I had put a lot of thought into what I wanted to talk to him about, but I wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. It was a very sensitive topic and one that I never liked to talk about with him. But his beautiful gift had given me the courage that I had desperately needed. All I could think about was having my own place where I could display my roses in my gorgeous new vase.

“What just happened? Where’s your smile?” he asked, burning a hole into my face with his eyes.

“I can’t do this anymore,” I turned to him and blurted out.

Sean blinked his eyes at me in shock.

That’s when my words finally circled back to me and I heard them. I shook my head vigorously and tried again. “No. I mean, I can’t do this with Tony anymore. I want to leave him.”

His lips twitched as if he wanted to smile but didn’t know how to.

“I do,” I said slowly. “I really do.” My eyes began to fill with tears. I blinked them away, not wanting to cry. They were tears that were born out of relief. The relief I felt at finally uttering the words I had been dying to say for so long.

“I’ll help you,” Sean promised and grabbed my hands tenderly, finally allowing the smile to take over his features. He looked into my eyes and his amber pools immediately soothed my soul. I felt elated by the words I had finally been brave enough to say. Sean had been after me to leave for so long but I finally felt as if I were ready.

“I have to wait until he gets back.”

“Why?”

“I just do. It’s the only way. I have some things that I have to collect at the house. Things that are important to me. I can’t leave them behind. I can hide them in the attic and come back for them later. Tony would never look in the attic. But aside from that, I have to rent a place. I have to get things in order to make this happen. He comes home in two days, I don’t have enough time to do it before he gets back.”

“I can help. We can get it all done in one day with my help,” he begged.

I shook my head. “No, Sean. We can’t do this on the fly by the seat of our pants. We have to plan it out. We have to think of all the things Tony could do so we can’t be taken by surprise. Trust me, we have to wait and plan.”

Sean nodded. “Let’s come up with a plan then.”

We talked for at least an hour while conjuring up the best plan we could manage. I told Sean that the house was still being watched. It had started a couple weeks before, so I wanted to keep my same schedule. I didn’t want to tip off Tony that anything was wrong. I would need the time he was gone to carry out my plan, to get things in order.