Hindsight (15 page)

“Nepson?” I asked, starting to see the connection.

He nodded. “The Nepson case. The only thing that case has succeeded in doing is sucking me dry. I’ve lost nearly everything…” He looked up with glassy eyes.

“So we’re broke?” I asked him, not clearly understanding what he was saying.

He seemed to jump back to attention. “We aren’t broke. I’ve lost everything, all my other clients, my partners, everything.” He looked at me with pleading eyes as if begging me to understand. “We still have money, but not what we need to continue living this kind of lifestyle. That’s why I went gambling. I needed to find some extra money.”

“So you took what little money we had left and lost it all at the tables?” I was growing more and more pissed by the second.

“No. I didn’t touch our money.”

I looked at him in confusion.

“I borrowed money from CJ.”

“Oh, that’s just fucking great, Tony!” I yelled. “Just real fucking great. So you already owe him money and it’s bleeding you dry while you pay him off for the first time things went bad, and now you’ve decided to borrow money from him? And then you lost it all? What now? What does he want from you now?” I was frantic, all high-pitched voices and flailing arms.

Tony placed a hand on my arm to calm me. It didn’t really calm me, but it did settle me down some. “Charlotte, it’s not like that. All I have to do is get Nepson acquitted.”

I huffed out a breath. “Oh, that’s all?” I asked with sarcasm.

“I can do it. I’m already ahead in the case. I can do it.”

“And what happens if you can’t?” I didn’t really want to know the answer, but I needed it. I had to know what would happen if the jury came back with a guilty verdict. Not only did those twelve individuals hold Nepson’s life in their hands, but ours as well.

“Then he will come after me.” His voice was grave and scared.

My eyes widened in fear. “And me?” Please not me.

He shook his head. “That’s why I have to be here.”

“I’m not following, Tony.”

He took a breath and then continued. “In order to keep you safe, I am not allowed to leave you or to let you leave me until the trial is over. That’s what he said. He said it was insurance.”

“Oh my God, Tony,” I whispered. “What have you gotten in to?”

“It’s just until the trial is over. Once he’s cleared, you’ll be safe.”

“And what if he’s not cleared?” I really didn’t want to hear that answer.

“He will be.”

I got up and cleared the pizza plates, unsure how to respond to what he had confided in me. He never confided in me with anything remotely close to what he had. I was trying to decide how I felt about that.

I came back to the living room and he had opened another bottle of wine and was sitting on the couch. I sat down in the armchair, not wanting to sit too close to him. I still had thoughts bouncing around in my head. I had to sort through them, but didn’t know where to start. I knew one thing for sure, though, I couldn’t tell Sean any of this. If he knew, he would demand that I leave, and I clearly couldn’t do that.

“I lost my dog when I was a boy,” he said softly and I looked at him in surprise. “My father was never there. I don’t know what happened to him or who he even was. When I was seven, my mother married someone. She mistakenly confided in him that she married him mainly so she’d have an income to take care of our needs. That was a mistake. Not only did he treat me like shit from that day forward, but he did whatever he could to make my life a living hell.”

I stared at him and didn’t dare move. I wanted him to continue with his story and knew he would use anything I did as an excuse not to continue.

“Banjo was a black and white mutt but she was everything to me,” he said and it was hard not to miss the hoarseness that had developed in his voice. “Banjo had a few litters of puppies because my mom couldn’t afford to get her spayed. She had just had another litter and I kept them in the garage so that they would stay warm during the particularly harsh winter.

“I was in my room doing my homework when
he
came in with a burlap bag held high in the air. I barely paid attention to him until I saw the bag moving and then heard the mewing of the new puppies. I looked around and didn’t see banjo. I wondered where she was because she would never let her puppies out of her sight. He grabbed me by the ear… It’s so painful to be pulled by your ear and he was so strong. He yanked me up and led me outside to our backyard. He led me half a mile with the wriggling puppies all the way to the creek. The creek was littered with icicles due to the cold. He took the bag and swung it in circles, one, two and then three times. Until he let go and the bag went flying through the air. I will never forget the sound the bag made when it hit the water. The puppies
screamed
in agony and I fell to my knees and sobbed like a pussy.

“He kicked me over and over again for being a pussy, until I had nothing left. He walked away and left me there. I immediately dove into the creek and found the bag. I was shivering from the cold and could barely work my hands to unknot the bag. My fingers were numb and shaky. I finally unknotted the bag and found a pile of dead puppies.” He stopped for a minute and downed his entire glass of wine.

“When I got home my mother was there and immediately got me into a hot bath. I was lucky that I didn’t get frostbite. She had to help undress me and gasped when she saw the bruises that had already appeared across my ribcage. But she said nothing to me. She bathed me and cried but didn’t say a fucking word.

“After she finished bathing me, she led me to the dinner table and served me some stew. Then she left to run to the store for something.
He
came in and was chuckling as he sat at the table with his own bowl of stew.
What’s this?
he asked me and plucked up something from his bowl. It was fur. Black and white fur. I ran to the bathroom and threw up everything I had in my stomach.

“And that, my dear, is why I will not ever own another fucking pet with any type of fur.”    

December 2, 2014

“Good morning!” I greeted the staff that was congregated in the office. They were busily putting up Christmas decorations to decorate the shelter. I loved this time of year and made a mental note to get my butt in gear at home. I needed to dig my decorations out. I thought how nice it would be to decorate the tree the way I wanted to decorate it, an action that was foreign to me.

“They brought in a few dogs last night that need to be bathed,” Sue announced as she hung a strand of holly across the counter.

“I guess I know what I’ll be doing then,” I answered her with a smile.

“Norma is already back there. She arrived about fifteen minutes ago.”

My smile grew at the mention of Norma’s name. That batty old lady was growing on me and it had now gotten to the point where I actually cared about her quite a bit.

“Hi, Norma!” I greeted her with a smile as I noticed she was already up to her elbows in water and dog hair.

“Who’s this?” I stroked the small dog behind the ears as she lathered it with soap.

“Someone who got a small dog because it was cute and quickly lost interest in it because they didn’t potty train it. There are six more of them in the kennel for processing. Sick rich bitches who only have time on their hands.”

I looked at Norma sadly. I hated it when animals were discarded like garbage. It was so heartbreaking. She seemed to share that same opinion. I was realizing more about what we had in common every time I was around her and it made me comfortable in her presence.

We worked our asses off and bathed all seven dogs total and clipped all the matts from their fur. They looked like completely different dogs and I was proud of all we had accomplished in spite of myself.

“I think we deserve a treat! How about if I take us to lunch?” I asked spontaneously.

She looked at me wryly as if I had an ulterior motive, but I understood her mannerisms. I had enough fucked up behaviors for the both of us. I was always jumping at loud noises or wincing when someone walked up too close to me.

We both walked over to a taco joint down the street. It looked good and the small eating area inside was halfway full, which was hopefully indicative of the quality of food we’d consume.

We both hemmed and hawed about the menu before placing our orders. I handed the man my American Express card and he fiddled around with the machine and then stated, “Your card was declined.” He looked at me without empathy and it was apparent that he just wanted to be done with the transaction.

“That’s impossible. Can you please run it again?” I continued to chat with Norma until the guy interrupted once again.

“It was declined again,” he stated and gave me an annoyed look.

“Try this one.” I took the American Express card back and handed him my Visa. “Maybe the electronic strip was damaged?” I shrugged.

“Declined,” he said simply and handed me the card back.

I looked up in shock and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t usually carry any cash since Tony liked to track my purchases so that he could see what I had been up to. The only thing I could think of was Tony had canceled my cards since he left. I didn’t know how I would be able to do normal things without the use of my credit cards. It was one more way for Tony to control me. For him to show me how much I needed him.

“I’ll pay, dear,” Norma said quietly and put her hand on my arm, holding my wallet full of what were now useless plastic.

“I don’t understand,” I said softly and cast my eyes downward. My cards had never ever been declined. What the hell was going on?

“It’s okay, honey. I don’t mind treating.”

“But I promised!” I felt terrible about promising and now not being able to follow through. It made me feel worthless, and I hated to feel that way. It was how Tony always made me feel, and he was continuing that tradition even when he wasn’t around.

“You can get next time,” she suggested.

I nodded sullenly.

“Let’s not let this ruin our lunch. We hardly ever get to spend time away from the shelter.” Norma was always so kind to me, almost as if she knew what went on at home, even though I had never confided in her about that.

I led us to the booth against the wall and we sat to wait for our food. I was extremely grateful for Norma’s compassion. At the moment, all I felt like doing was crying. It was as if the world I had known had been swiftly yanked out from underneath me with no example or explanation as to why.

“Where did your love of animals come from?” I asked her as someone brought our food out on a red plastic tray. I couldn’t believe that I had never asked her that before. We had been around one another, at the shelter, for a while now. How had I never asked her the reasons that had brought her to me.

“I raised rabbits when I was a child. It was a wonderful experience and helped shape me into the human being I am today. It was a long time before I realized the white rabbits were sold for food rather than the pets I thought of them as. It was a hard realization, but I was never involved in the killing or eating part, so my parents spared me in a way I guess.”

“Oh my God! I could have never done that. How did you let them go once you fell in love with them?” I asked her, completely amazed by her story.

“I figured that the life they had with me meant so much more now. It was my job to ensure they had the best life possible before moving on. It was hard at first! I grieved and cried when my mother first told me, but then I turned it into a positive and realized I could make a difference. And in making that difference, I felt good about myself. This is why I’ve continued making a difference in the lives of animals, with the work I do at the shelter.”

“Wow! That is so inspirational,” I said and realized it sounded corny. I didn’t mean it in that way though. I was being completely honest. For a child to come to that realization was amazing. She must have had an amazing childhood.

“I had a fucked-up childhood,” she deadpanned.

It made me snort the water I was sipping all the way up my nose. Then I burst out in painful laughter. My nose had that feeling you get when you accidentally breathe water through your nose when you’re swimming.

“You didn’t expect that, did you?” She had an admirable glimmer in her eye.

“No. I can honestly say I didn’t. You like it when you catch me off guard, though.”

“I do,” she admitted freely. “It’s that shock factor that always entices me.”

I wasn’t exactly sure how she could joke in the middle of telling me that her childhood was fucked-up, but at least it helped mellow the mood around us. I was surprised she was telling me these things, though.

“My parents were never there for me. I spent all of my weekends at my grandparents’ house. They were the ones who had the rabbits and helped teach me love and understanding. Thank goodness for them.”

“I never knew my grandparents and always felt like I missed out for it,” I said reminiscently. “My parents had never really explained what happened to them, it just hadn’t been discussed.” I couldn’t believe how much I opened up with Norma. She just held a quality that made me want to purge all the badness from my life. It was as if she were my guardian angel.

I had never been lucky enough to have someone like her in my life, but was very thankful that she was in my life now. It was if she were sent to me at a time when I needed her most.

You know how you meet certain people and they seem unbelievably wonderful? That’s how Norma was to me. I needed her. And part of me thought she needed me, too. She had come into my life when I needed someone just to be there. I didn’t necessarily need someone to talk to at that point, but I did need someone to be around. Norma had filled that role perfectly.

“What was it like for you growing up?” she asked, catching me off guard.

I nearly choked on my lunch, not knowing how to answer that question. At least she wasn’t asking about my life with Tony. I don’t think I could’ve come up with an answer that fast that wouldn’t have completely given me away.

“It was like any other childhood. My dad was a cop; my mom was a substitute teacher, so she was at home most of the time with me. I was an only child and so were my parents. So I didn’t have any cousins.”

“That sounds lonely,” she pointed out.

I laughed. “Yeah, it sounds that way, but I had a dog that kept me company.”

“Ah… so that’s where
your
love of animals comes from.”

I nodded and took a sip of my drink. “Yes. That’s where it comes from.”

“How’s Tony doing with the trial?”

My eyes opened in shock. She had never asked me about Tony before and I didn’t know where it had come from, but I didn’t want to answer her. Instead, I gave her the generic response. “He’s doing good.”

“I bet he’s busy a lot.”

“Yes he is.” Dear God, please make her stop asking about him.

“And you’re okay with him taking this case?”

I wanted to be out of there. I wanted to get up and leave without finishing this conversation, but that would only look worse. I tried to calm my expression and just get through her questions. If I had to resort to the “it’s none of your business” line, then I would. I just hoped it wouldn’t come to that.

I shrugged my shoulders, making it look as if it were no big deal. “I don’t really know anything about law, so he never consults me on his clients. I would be no use to him in that regard. But I do support anything that he does.”

“So you support letting an abusive man back on the streets? You support a murderer going free, allowed to do it again to someone else?”

My pulse quickened as my irritation picked up. “Norma, everyone deserves a fair trial. Innocent until proven guilty, remember? Regardless of what the media says. I believe in justice. If he’s truly guilty, then he will serve his time. Bad people walk the streets all the time. Abusive men live life every day in the free world. They can’t lock them all up.”

She smiled at me. “I know. I just find it interesting to see the opinion of the lawyers’ wives. That’s all. It’s got to be hard on a marriage when they strongly disagree with a case their husband is taking. It’s good to see that you don’t let it affect you. That makes me happy. I can only assume the amount of stress something like that could put on a person, or a marriage.”

“I do what I can,” I said, wanting the conversation to end. She had no clue how much strain I was under and it was only partly because of the fucking trial.

“I admire your strength, Charlotte.” She smiled supportively again, patting my hand on the table. “You ready to get back to the animals? I’m sure they’ve missed us; we’ve been gone for a little over an hour.”

I nodded and stood, following her out the door.

We walked back to the shelter and I felt noticeably lighter, even though my credit cards had been declined. I should have been upset and crying, but instead, I felt lucky that I had been with Norma, instead of by myself when it had happened.

I still wasn’t sure if it was a fluke that the cards hadn’t worked or if Tony had them canceled. If that were the case, I knew why Tony had done it. He was pissed at me for trying to leave. It had only been a matter of time before he tried to plot revenge. I knew it was only four days since he left, but part of me felt like it had been a lifetime. I only hoped he stayed gone. I could figure out the money situation on my own; I had already started saving and knew I would be okay.

When we got to the shelter, I went to visit Fluffy. I had stopped in to see her briefly this morning, but I wanted to spend some time with her before I headed home.

“Hey, kitty,” I crooned as I walked into the vet’s office where she was currently being held. Fluffy had been brought in a month ago and was immediately identified as a stray. She wouldn’t let anyone near her, hissing and clawing at anyone that came within two feet of her cage.

I had immediately begun to work with her. I don’t know what initially drew me to her, maybe it was the fact that she wouldn’t let anyone approach her and I knew it was due to fear. I guess I could identify with her obvious alarm and nervousness. It was something in her eyes that led me to believe she wasn’t evil. I didn’t see any of the evilness I could easily detect in Tony’s eyes. I saw the same thing as when I looked in the mirror, someone who was scared, alone and desperate for someone to understand her feelings.

There was a connection to Fluffy—and most of the other animals—that I couldn’t explain. They had been abused and that had made them leery of people. I understood that. I was jumpy and had a hard time trusting people, but that didn’t make me a bad person, much like it didn’t make these animals dangerous. They just needed love. And I had love to give them,

I started working with her slowly, little by little. I would bring extra bacon or sausages from breakfast and give her treats. She began to rub against the door and meow when she saw me. Then I finally opened the door and stuck my hand in. She hid at first and then started to slowly come forward and allow me to pet her. That had been monumental and had taken me nearly two weeks to accomplish.