His Assurance (Assured Distraction Book 3) (25 page)

How could I truly answer this? I looked at her, hoping to convey how I felt about all that had happened. “I want you to be happy, Lola. I just don’t think I can be the person to do that for you anymore. You have a big career in Houston and need to be able to follow your dream. What you don’t need is to be stuck with me here in Austin hoping to lead a normal life at some point. Right now my life is anything but normal, and honestly, I don’t see it getting any better anytime in the...well who knows when? You know, even if I wasn’t having this hearing issue, Lola, I still lead a strange lifestyle that you’re not used to. I only want you to be happy. I simply don’t see that happening around me.”

Lola:
But what makes you think I can’t be happy here?

“You went home, Lola, remember? You left to have the perfect interview for the perfect job. It wasn’t here with me. You only came back because I was hurt.”

Lola
: I came back because I care about you, Gunner. Sure you were hurt, and I needed to see for myself if there was anything I could do to make it better for you, but I came because dammit, you are special to me.

How did I respond to that? I knew I wanted her to be happy. I knew I loved being around her, beside her, and God knows I loved being in her. But what I wanted didn’t really matter. It was what was best for her life. She needed to be satisfied with her choices. How satisfied would I ever make her?

“Well, Lola, I care a lot about you, too. I care enough to say go back to Houston and get your dream job. Go back and live a normal life. Maybe we can see each other from time to time when I’m around. We play in the Houston area occasionally. I can be sure you get tickets. Bring your friends, and we’ll get you all backstage. It’ll be fun catching up. Bring Journey and her friends, too. They seem to enjoy their time with the bands.”

The look I was met with was hard to read. I knew she was angry, but it seemed to be more than that. I needed her to leave now before I did something stupid like beg her to stay. That was what my heart was telling me to do, but my brain said, let her go. It was the best thing for her.

Lola:
So you’re going to brush me off and send me on my way now? Okay. I guess if that’s what you want, that’s what I’ll do, Gunner. Please know this is not my choice.

“Yeah, I get it.” I looked down at my watch. “You know if you go on and leave now, you’ll be back in Houston before dark. I don’t like you being out on that stretch of interstate late. It’s not safe.”

The way she dropped her head and stared at her phone screen killed me. I knew this was hurting her, but dammit, I didn’t know what else to do.

Lola:
Well, okay then. I guess my work’s done here. I’ll get my stuff loaded and go.

When she started walking away, I wanted to get down on my knees and beg her to stay. I couldn’t handle this right now, so I walked out on the patio. I didn’t want to watch her drive out of my driveway. I didn’t want to watch taillights turn out onto the street. Fuck, I’ve turned into such a pussy. How did I let this turn into such a damn mess?

I couldn’t believe he was throwing me to the curb like this. I had feelings for this guy, and he didn’t seem to get it. I loaded my car. He was somewhere around here because he couldn’t drive yet and his car sat in the garage. Was he not even going to tell me good-bye?

I found him staring at the water in the pool. It was a great late fall afternoon, but he didn’t need to get in the water. When I touched his arm, he didn’t turn to look at me but glanced over his shoulder.

“Okay, I guess I’m ready to go,” I said it to him without thinking.

I grabbed his arm and turned him to me. The least he could do was hug me goodbye. I nodded my head and put my arms out to hug him. He wrapped his arms tightly around me, and I felt a little tremble in his body before the hug came to an abrupt end when he pushed me away. I could only look at him with hurt. The tremble I felt made me believe it was more than an obligatory hug goodbye, but when I looked in his eyes, they gave me an unyielding stare.

I took out my phone and typed.

Lola:
Okay, guess I’m going now.

“Yeah, be safe. Message me sometime if you’re coming to Austin. We’ll meet for drinks or something.”

Drinks? He thought that was what I wanted if I came to Austin? Well, fuck him. I should be worth more of his time than ‘drinks or something.’

Lola:
Yeah, I’ll get right on that.

“Have a good trip home.” He turned back to the pool, dismissing me. I spun around and headed off to my car. When I got the door closed, I saw him standing at the patio door facing me. He raised his hand in a brief wave and then went inside the door.

Fat tears slid down my cheeks, and I knew this was stupid. If he didn’t want me, then fuck him. I could move on with my life. There were plenty of men in Houston, so why was I crying over this?

What the hell was I thinking to let her drive off like that? I wanted her here with me so badly I could taste it. The way I sent her off, she would probably never speak to me again, but deep down, I knew it was the right move to make.

I picked up my phone and texted Carter.

Me:
Dude, come over and keep me company. I’m sick, remember

Carter:
Where’s your babe

Me:
No babes here, but you can bring some if you want

Carter:
Dumbass, what did you do

Me:
Nothing now get yourself over here and entertain the invalid

Carter:
I’ll be there soon. There better be alcohol

Me:
Isn’t there always but you know I can’t drink yet

Carter:
I’ll drink for both of us then. I’ll send pizza, too. Watch for it

Me:
Good times happening now

I hated having to depend on my friends for everything, but the damn doctor wouldn’t let me drive because I couldn’t hear in traffic. Deaf people drove all the time, so why couldn’t I? Ryan picked me up for my next doctor’s appointment, and we headed out to see what was going on after some new testing.

Ryan spoke into the hands-free microphone to text me a message.

Ryan:
Exactly why isn’t your private nurse taking you for this appointment? Not that I mind taking you, but I thought she was going to stay a week or more or until you get well.

I took in a deep breath. I sure as hell didn’t like explaining my actions to every family member separately. “Because I sent her back to Houston. She had an important job interview coming up, and I didn’t want to cause her to miss it.”

Ryan:
For a job in Houston?

“Yeah. It’s her dream job working at their big children’s hospital there. She wants to get a job pretty quickly.”

Ryan:
And did you ask her to try applying for jobs here in Austin?

“Uh, no. Why would I do that?”

He parked the car and turned and looked at me.

Ryan:
Well, let’s see. She smart, beautiful, fun, and it seemed like she liked your dumb ass, so maybe it would have been worth pursuing. I guess I got it wrong when I saw how you looked at her every fucking time I saw you two together.

“You read it wrong, all right. I don’t need one chick in my life. It’s too hard to have a life with only one being on the fucking road all the time. You know that already. You’ll be taking Peri and your son when we go next time. She would never be able to come on the road with us, and I don’t like the idea of leaving her for three or four months at a time. Besides, who would Carter have for a fucking wingman if I had a woman of my own?”

Ryan:
Fuck that, dude. Carter would damn sure never ask you to sacrifice something real with Lola. He wants you to find your own kind of happiness.

I didn’t want to argue with him over this. I’d been wallowing in my fucking stupidity since she rolled out of my driveway.

Ryan:
Look, you dumb prick, if you want this girl. I mean if you think there could be a relationship to build on, call her. Get off your ass, and beg her to come back.

“What the hell? I can’t do that. I’m deaf in case you haven’t figured that out. I can’t play in the band and be deaf, so basically, I’m fucked. How can I even entertain the thought of asking her to come back to a washed-up loser with no job and no useful skills? Nope, not gonna happen.”

I was done with this conversation, so I opened my door and slammed it shut behind me. I knew where to go. My movements were quick because I was so pissed at him and myself. When I spun around to walk to the door, I found my face meeting the ground. “Ugh. Fuck!”

Ryan helped me sit up and talked even though he knew I couldn’t hear a word he was saying. He opened the back door and pulled out a towel to stop the blood that flowed from my forehead and nose. It went everywhere. Seeing the blood pissed me off even more. My life was one big clusterfuck.

“Damn this shit all to hell,” I screamed. “I’m so fucking tired of it. I hate it. I’m never going to be right. Just leave my sorry ass here and go home to your wife.” He tried to help me up, but I didn’t want to get up. “Stop. I don’t want to listen to the doctor tell me the same thing again. I don’t want to see the same test results either. There’s nothing new. It’s never going to change. I want to go home and walk into the fucking pool that started all of this shit I’m in and be done with it all.” I laid on the black asphalt staring up at the sky dotted with high, wispy clouds. Fuck. My. Life.

Ryan sat on the warm pavement and gave me a look of horror. “What?”

He slowly pulled his phone out of his pocket.

Ryan:
Do you even realize what you just said?

He turned his phone to let me read his screen.

“Yeah, I said Fuck. My. Life, and I meant it, too. It’s all gone to shit.”

Ryan:
No, dude. The other thing you said. Sounded like you were going to do something crazy like try to end your life to me.

“Hell no, I can't end my life. God is already going to send me to hell for all the bad shit I’ve done.”

Ryan:
But you said…

He looked at me and didn’t finish it. I looked up and stared at the clouds.

I realized tears were sliding down my temples and across my naked scalp when a small warm stream ran above my ear and back. I looked over at him, and it was all I could do to keep it together. Ryan was kind enough to look up at the clouds, but I knew he had seen the tears. I couldn’t remember the last time I cried. Not even when we were trying to get Chandler through all of her sad shit with her parents. Why did I choose to do so now?

I tried to sit up, and Ryan reached out to help me. When I finally made it, he pulled me over to lean against the car beside him.

“Damn, I’m one pathetic bastard,” I said with a sick laugh.

Ryan:
Dude, this is going to get better. You know that, right?

I read the screen and just hung my head down. “No Ryan. I don’t know that.”

Ryan:
You have to believe it’s going to. It can’t be permanent.

“Yeah, but what if it is? What the fuck am I going to do?”

Ryan:
You’ll always have a job with the band. Hell, maybe we’ll all go to sign language classes so we can learn to talk to you without this damn thing.

I laughed when I read the screen.

“Hell no. Learning a language is hard, dude. Y’all aren’t smart enough for that. Well, maybe Chandler is but not the rest of you sorry pricks.”

Ryan:
Well, we would do it for you. Shit, it would be good for us to try to learn something new.

“Don’t even talk about it. We are not learning to sign unless we want to.”

Ryan:
Who says we don’t want to?

“Help this damn invalid up so we can go read what the doctor has to say.”

I could only stand with Ryan’s help because my head was still spinning. “No more sudden movements for me.” He nodded his head and held onto me to keep me from falling backward when I took a step forward. “I can do this.” Famous last words. He had to hold onto me all the way to the office as I stumbled along.

We made our way inside the office after I had the scan. I was better after a bit but still a little woozy each time I stood up. The nurse called my name, and Ryan nudged me and stood up, ready to help me. I stood beside him but didn’t take a step for fear of falling on my face again. This sucked a big one. The doctor met us in the examining room and looked at the blood still on my face.

He talked to Ryan, who I guess told him all the sordid details of my fall from grace. The doctor looked at me and took out his phone to type.

Doctor:
Let me check you out, and we’ll get this cleaned up.

Doctor:
Good news is the swelling is mostly down, and the test results show your concussion is healing nicely.

“Yeah, well let me tell
you
the bad news. I can’t fucking hear!”

Doctor:
Yes, I can see that. Let’s have a look in there.

He took a look in both of my ears and at the back of my head where the staples were. I could feel his breath on my neck which told me he was talking. I hoped Ryan was getting all of this information.

“What did he say, Ryan?” He started typing on his phone, and it was mostly nothing. Looking and commenting on some redness inside one.

Doctor:
I spoke with the ENT, and she said the prognosis is good that your hearing will return when the body is ready, and she believes that when the swelling is gone, we should start looking for it.

“Does that mean it will happen all at once or is it going to come back gradually?”

Doctor:
I believe you will hear a gradual increase in sound, but there’s actually no right answer to this. Remember last time we spoke about a TBI and how it’s not an exact science on when you will get well.

“Is it going to happen anytime soon?”

Doctor:
Hard to tell. Everyone’s body heals at a different pace. You should be eating a good diet and getting plenty of rest because that’s what will help the healing process.

“Yeah, well I’ve got nothing else to do, so I guess I’ll just start sleeping all the time.”

Doctor:
That’s not what I said. Eight to ten hours is enough sleep and then rest. No strenuous activities, no lifting. Now let's address your vertigo problems. I can give you some medicine for this, but there is some research that suggests the crystals need alignment in your inner ear to stop the falling and instability you're feeling. I’m going to send you to a doctor that specializes in this to see if he can relieve it for you. I’m not telling you it’s going to be a cure-all for the problem, but some of my patients have had success with it.

“Hell yeah. This feeling like the earth is moving under me all the time is old already. It’s like being high without the good feeling.”

Doctor
: Let's leave the feeling high for another lifetime, shall we?