HIS Desire: An H.I.S. Novel (H.I.S. series Book 1) (19 page)

He maneuvered the SUV out of its tight parking spot.

“Dammit! She’s dead because of me. I want that son of a bitch.”

“Kate, Mrs. Ryan is right. It’s not your fault. If anything, it’s mine.”

His grim expression watched her cover her face with trembling hands and give vent to the agony of her loss. “It
is
my fault. Those chocolates were meant for me. I gave them to her. I gave her poison.”

He reached over and caught her hand in his. “I’m here for you.” He meant it. He wanted to be the support and comfort she needed. She’d never ask for it, but he’d be there.

She looked at him and then looked away without saying a word.

Back in her apartment, he watched her quietly stand in the center of the living room looking pensive, not disturbed or angry as he’d expected. After she’d vowed revenge on Joy’s killer, she’d withdrawn, and he didn’t know how to snap her out of it. He had no idea if it was sorrow or anger that she felt. Knowing her, it was probably both plus a large heaping of guilt. How did he snap her out of whatever this was?

After a few minutes of her staring into the fireplace, she turned to him. “I need you to make love to me.”

He knew some people when they had a close call with death wanted sex to feel alive. This might help her tonight, but she might regret it when she woke up.

But he hated seeing her like this. He wanted his Kate. His strong, stubborn woman.

“Are you sure?” It wasn’t how he’d imagined their first time, but he’d do it if it would bring her back to him.

“Yes.”

He reached out a hand.

Not wanting to rush, he undressed her slowly before undressing himself. She was as perfect as he thought she’d be. He couldn’t wait to love every inch of her lush body. She wanted to feel alive. He would help her.

He moved them to the bed and lay down beside her. He kissed her gently then was surprised when she took over the kiss with a hunger he didn’t know she felt. His hands roamed her body, and his mouth trailed kisses down her throat. As he savored her silky neck, he felt her wrenching sobs. He looked up, pushed some hair off of her face and then pulled her into his arms.

He should have known this was a mistake.

“I’m sorry. I don’t usually cry.”

“Shh. It’s okay.”

“Hold me. Please don’t leave me. Not tonight.”

He knew how much this cost her. First to cry in front of him and then to ask him to stay. He couldn’t leave her, couldn’t let her go. “I’m not going anywhere.”

He pulled her tight against him thinking about the change in his feelings toward her. He told her the truth. He wasn’t going anywhere, and he didn’t mean just for the night.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Kate became instantly wide awake. She jumped up, quickly dressed and, not knowing what to think, wandered restlessly around the room. Two nights Jesse held her while she’d slept, comforting her without attempting to seduce her. Lying in his arms made all her problems fade away. Falling asleep with her head on his chest, her hand over his heart and his hand running through her hair felt natural, like she belonged there.

She had no idea if he’d stayed throughout the night, because like before, she’d woken in her bed alone. Things were different this morning. She’d woken naked, and Jesse had been the one to undress her. She’d actually asked him to make love to her, and then when he’d tried, she’d cried.

The thought of her asking him to make love to her had her face flushed with humiliation and anger at herself. She’d never asked a man to make love to her before. She didn’t even have the excuse that she was drunk. At the time her mind had been clear, determined and focused even though she’d been aware she’d hit a low on her current emotional roller coaster ride.

She’d wanted his kiss and his touch to take away her pain and the guilt she felt, even if only briefly. She’d wanted to lose herself in sex to forget. Unfortunately, she’d temporarily forgotten sleeping with Jesse would be so much more than just sex to her. It was good things worked out like they had.

She sighed, standing in front of the mirror in her bathroom, staring at her reflection. She had to face Jesse at some point. Requesting one of his brothers to take his place wasn’t an option because she knew he wouldn’t allow it. His guilt about bringing the killer to her wouldn’t let him leave her protection to anyone else.

Weren’t they a pair with guilt weighing each of them down?

It was time to quit being a coward and face him. How would he act? Would he look at her with humor or pity in his eyes? Would he expect her to jump into bed with him tonight? He’d learn real quickly that wasn’t going to happen. Last night had been a mistake.

She jumped when he knocked on the bathroom door. “Kate, are you dressed?”

She considered not answering him but knew that was foolish. She inhaled deeply and released the breath in a long exhale, squared her shoulders and opened her bathroom door. “I was just coming down.” She focused on his chin, unable to look him in the eyes.

“Well, get ready to leave. You wanted to be in on this. AJ has the delivery guy.”

Her eyes snapped to his, awed by the caring they displayed.
What if it’s more?
“I need to put on my shoes. Did someone walk Dottie this morning?”

“Yeah. Ken did. She’s a little sluggish and didn’t want to play.”

The delivery man forgotten, she pushed past him and raced down the stairs. She found Dottie lying in her bed. Her not jumping up to greet Kate told her how poorly Dottie felt. She knelt down beside her. “I don’t like leaving her alone when she’s sick, but I want to be in on the questioning.”

“You know her and how she behaves. Do you think she’s grieving for Joy? Or, do you think she needs to go to the vet’s office?” He knelt beside her to pet Dottie.

She could be grieving. Kate had heard of animals doing that. She could just have a stomach ache. Her tailed wagged and she licked Kate’s hand. She didn’t appear sick enough for a visit to the vet. “Will one of your men be around to watch the apartment?”

Jesse nodded. “Of course. Do you want me to have him check on her?”

She looked up at him. “Yes, I’d like that.” She turned her attention back to her dog.

He removed his cell phone from his pocket and walked away, returning a moment later. “Ken wants to stay with her. He’s the one who has been walking her, so she’s familiar with him. He’ll check on her every half hour. Will that work?”

It would have to work if she wanted to be there when they interviewed the delivery man, and she didn’t just want to be there, she needed to be there to find out who was trying to kill her. Find out who killed Joy.

“Yes. Thanks.”

She kissed Dottie on the snout and stood. After she put on her shoes, they left for the FBI Baltimore field office.

Jesse spent most of the drive on the phone with Reagan. He’d told Kate that he missed his daughter but wouldn’t leave Kate’s side. Nothing like piling on more guilt.

His daughter surprised her by asking to speak with her.

“Are you coming to girls’ night?”

“I sure am. I’m looking forward to it.” She wouldn’t miss it for the world.

“Uncle Brad and Uncle Matt says they’re coming. I don’t want them there. Only girls.”

“Your Aunt Emily and I will make sure they don’t crash your party.”

“I knew you’d take care of them, Miss Kate.”

She smiled, as she said goodbye to the little girl her heart singing with delight. She looked forward to spending an evening with Reagan.

As they parked the SUV at the FBI office, Jesse’s cell rang. “Stay in the car until I finish this call, Kate.” He answered his call. “Hamilton.”

She wondered how anyone knew which Hamilton brother they were speaking with because they all answered with only their last name. Even AJ sometimes dropped agent from his name.

He looked at her, concern in his eyes. “Where’s your vet, Kate? Ken’s taking Dottie there.”

She pulled out her phone, shakily found the address and rattled it off to him. She shouldn’t have left Dottie. She should have known better. “What’s wrong with her?”

“Dial your vet, Kate, and let them know she’s coming, so they can be prepared.”

She dialed, relaying what Ken said. Dottie was lethargic, cold and bleeding. Kate should have taken the precaution earlier and taken her to the vet. She hadn’t seemed to be that sick. She hadn’t been bleeding.

He started the car, and they pulled out of the lot, confusing her protective detail who had already left their cars and waited for them to exit the SUV.

“We’ll meet Ken there.” He looked at her sympathetically and reached over and took her hand.

She’d been a negligent dog owner. She couldn’t lose Dottie. Not another death on her shoulders.

“Quit.”

She looked at him. “What?”

“You’re fretting over this and blaming yourself. Quit. We couldn’t have known.”

She couldn’t stop shaking. Dottie was like a child to her.

She’d been the runt of the litter and had captured Kate’s heart from the start. Although she was a lovable, sweet tempered dog, Kate worried about her behavior when she’d been expelled from puppy kindergarten. Twice. She’d disrupt the class, not settling down at Kate or the trainer’s commands. It took months for a private trainer to bring out Dottie’s best behavior. Now, she was a well-behaved dog.

Ken headed them off as they rushed into the veterinary office. “They’ve got her in the back.” He looked sympathetically at Kate.

She continued past him to the front desk, speaking with the vet tech. “Can I see her?” She needed to let Dottie know she was there, that she hadn’t abandoned her.

“No. She’s with the vet. He’ll be out after he’s examined her.”

She heard but didn’t really listen when Jesse asked Ken who was watching her apartment. Ken told him since he’d had to leave it unprotected they were bringing Bomber through to ensure no one had tampered with it in his absence. She didn’t care about her own safety right now. All she cared about was her dog.

Jesse pulled her into the waiting room.

“Dammit. I should have stayed home with her. I knew she was sick. If I had stayed, I would have caught her bleeding sooner.” She could have left everything to AJ and Jesse. They would have done a thorough job interrogating the delivery guy and briefed her. But no, she had to do it herself.

“Kate, don’t beat yourself up. You couldn’t have known. Besides, it was caught quickly.”

She looked at him not really seeing him. “It’s my fault. If something happens to her, it’s my fault.”

* * * * *

Jesse finally got Kate to settle down in a lobby chair. Cute pictures of cats and dogs decorated the beige walls. A large mural of dogs and cats frolicking on a lawn was painted behind the reception desk. If they’d been there for any other reason, he’d have found it a cheerful place.

He shouldn’t have told her about the interview. He knew she wouldn’t have been able to resist. AJ and Trent could have easily handled it. There’d been no need for them to go. He wanted to see her happy and knew being involved would do that. So, he’d enticed her to leave the apartment.

She should blame him. She wouldn’t though, just like she wouldn’t blame Joy’s death on him. She took too much on herself.

He looked over and saw the tears silently sliding down her face. Her anger at herself had vanished and despair had settled in. He reached over and pulled her onto his lap. He wanted to give her comfort, let her know everything would be all right. He hoped everything would be all right.

“I shouldn’t have left.” She snuggled into him. She didn’t pull away and that made him worry about her emotionally. His Kate wouldn’t have let him do this, especially not in public. There he went with the fact that she was
his Kate
again.

“I’m sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say.

He knew she’d be horrified if found in his lap by anyone else, so he moved her to a chair when a tall man walked in with a beautiful German Shepherd. The dog sniffed the floor the entire walk to the counter. A different vet tech, her smock covered in dogs, greeted him.

“Hello, Mr. Vaughn. It’s good to see Wiggles again.” At the mention of her name, the dog lifted her head, barked and wagged her tail.

“She was excited about the ride here, but I doubt she’ll be as excited when she gets her shots.” The man petted his dog.

“The vet is working an emergency right now so that will delay your appointment.”

“We can wait. I hope it’s nothing serious.” The man glanced at them.

“It’s nothing the vet can’t handle.”

Mr. Vaughn and Wiggles, a silly name for a German Shepherd, sat on the opposite side of the waiting room. The dog lay at the man’s feet. Mr. Vaughn picked up a magazine and flipped through it, occasionally peeking at them.

Dr. Baker strolled into the waiting room. “Ms. Ross?”

Kate jumped up from her seat and almost ran to meet him. “How is she?”

“She has an acute case of pancreatitis. We caught it early, so she’s going to be okay.” His smile was comforting.

Jesse quietly breathed a sigh of relief for both Dottie and Kate.

“We’re giving her fluids and are going to keep her overnight to monitor her. She’s a tough girl, so I don’t expect any problems.”

“Thank you, Dr. Baker.” Kate looked like she wanted to hug the vet, making him jealous. This woman had gotten to him in so many ways. He’d not wanted to be there for a woman like he’d been there for Kate the past few days. Against his better judgment, he’d become emotionally involved with her, heavily involved.

“You’re welcome. We love Dottie around here and would hate for anything to happen to her. Right now she’s being pampered by the staff.”

She laughed and his spirits rose. “She’ll love the attention. She’s already spoiled. Can I see her?”

“I’m sorry, but no. I don’t want her to try to get up to see you. She’s connected to a lot of equipment and tubes.”

She slowly nodded, her shoulders sagged in disappointment. “Okay. I’ll be back tomorrow. Thank you, again.” She reached out to shake his hand and again Jesse thought she might hug the man. He had to get control of this jealousy he carried.

“We’ll take great care of her.” Dr. Baker returned to the back of the office.