His Reverie (15 page)

His words linger in my head long after we say goodbye and leave Hale House in separate cars. They haunt me for my next two days off. After I fight off Krista multiple times when she tries to freakin’ accost me. When I find myself in my room, in my bed late at night staring at the ceiling, thinking of Reverie. Remembering how soft her lips were, how she whispered my name, her hand on my skin, fingers curled around the back of my neck. Her tongue…

Jesus. Her tongue.

I need to stay away from her. What I want, I’m not going to get. I should tell Krista to come over and take out all of my sexual frustration on her. She’d be a more than willing participant.

Instead it’s just me and my hand, with thoughts of Reverie floating through my mind. These two days off give me much needed distance.

And almost make me want her that much more.

In other words, I’m completely screwed.

Dear Diary,

(July 8
th
, 7:45 p.m.) He kissed me.

Again.

I can hardly find the words to describe how wonderful it was. How incredibly romantic and sweet and sexy…

His lips are so soft. The way he touched me, the things he said, the hitch in his breath right before our lips touched, his fingers in my hair. Tangling, tugging a little bit. As if he somehow wanted to pull me close. Closer. Like he couldn’t get enough of me.

I felt the same way.

I’m changed. Completely changed. I thought my crush on him was overwhelming and all I did was watch him. Yearn for him. Wish he would really look at me, talk to me, get to know me.

But now, it’s all different. Now I know what it’s like to be held in his strong arms, to feel his mouth on mine, his taste…

No one ever told me it could be like this. Of course, none of my friends have boyfriends, just innocent crushes. I felt the same way about Nick. That’s all it was. A silly crush, a slight obsession, I’ve done this countless times. Lots of hopes and wishes and dreams wasted on pretty boys who never noticed me. Who never noticed any of us because first, we go to an all-girls’ school and they didn’t even know us. And second, I’m part of a…bookish crowd.

Wow. Just looking at what I wrote I feel like an old lady. ‘Bookish crowd.’

Fine. Some might call us nerds. We call ourselves highly educated and properly informed. Old lady words.

Well, my tiny circle of friends would die if they saw Nick and knew that I kissed him. DIE. I want to die right now just thinking about him. His smile. His eyes. His body (OMG his body). His hair…

It was a mess earlier. Overgrown and curling at the back of his neck, sun-kissed from all the time he spends working outside. It’s like it doesn’t know whether to be straight or curly so it sort of goes everywhere. I love it. I wish I’d touched it. Just gripped his head and plunged my fingers into his hair, holding him close as he kissed me again and again.

I’m getting ahead of myself. Michael almost caught us out in the stables, and Nick moved away from me so fast it was almost impressive. I could hardly stand, my knees were shaking so bad and everything inside of me quaked and burned. I watched him walk out of the stables barely looking at me, Michael following after him and the second they were gone I fell to the ground like I was boneless. A crumpled heap on the floor and my skin buzzing as if I’d been electrocuted. I couldn’t stop touching my lips.

I felt like I’d died and gone to heaven. All because of a kiss. A touch.

All because of Nicholas Fairfield.

If I play my cards right, I’ll have a boyfriend for the summer. A real, bona fide boyfriend. Someone to create memories with, to do things with.

Someone to fall in love with.

That’s what I want more than anything. I want to experience…everything. I want to do it all with Nick. I want him to be mine.

All mine.

Dear Diary,

(July 10
th
, 9:17 p.m.) It’s been two days since I last saw Nick and I feel like I’m slowly, quietly freaking out, especially because I have no one to talk to about this. At first I worried. What happened to him? Where did he go? Is he okay? Did I somehow drive him away?

That was the one thing that scared me most of all.

When I was finally brave enough to ask Heather if she’d seen Nick lately, she gave me a dirty look and said it was his day off in a really snotty tone. I was relieved to know why he was gone, but then again I got mad.

Why didn’t he try and reach out to me? It’s so stupid that I don’t have my cell phone. I got it taken away from me at the very beginning of summer because my grades weren’t up to Mom’s standards. I had all B’s. Pretty decent, right? But no, not good enough for Mommy Dearest. She took my iPhone away from me and I’ve been without it for weeks. I miss my phone. If I had it, I could give him my number and Nick could text me any time. I could make plans to sneak out and meet him somewhere. Maybe out in the woods where he first found me? Maybe he could take me to the beach, to the Snack Shack again.

But that would mean I’d probably need a new swimsuit because the one I own is so boring. One piece and black and just blah. I hate it. I look terrible in it. Not that I’m confident enough to wear a two piece in front of him. At least, I don’t think I am…

As usual, I’m getting ahead of myself. It’s a bad habit of mine, I swear.

So that’s how I spent most of yesterday, pining away for Nick. Evan invited me to the movies with a group of his friends but I declined. I wondered if Mom put him up to asking me.

Then Mom slipped into my room and had a long talk with me and I knew she put Evan up to asking me to go with him because come on. I’m the biggest pain in his butt ever—that’s what he always tells me at least. But anyway, Mom told me that I’m closing myself off from others and not wanting to spend time with kids my age. She said I needed to spend more time out of the house, not moping over missing my friends from school and constantly reading.

If she only knew what I was reading…she’d probably flip out. Romances with descriptive sex scenes that set my imagination wild, especially after that kiss with Nick…

Then Mom hit me with how I shouldn’t inquire about the hired help. I got so mad. Heather ratted me out. I couldn’t believe it. When Mom asked why I wanted to know where Nick was, I made up some dumb excuse. Told her I lost my necklace and I knew he was around that night so I wanted to ask him if he’d seen it. A total lie but I didn’t know what else to say.

Well, it was the absolute wrong thing to say. Mom got all crazy thinking he might’ve stolen it. I had to reassure her again and again there was no way that could be possible and I even went over to my jewelry box and dug out the so-called missing necklace. Let it dangle from my fingers and acted like I was brainless. Oopsie, here it is after all!

That calmed her down some. She seemed so rattled and then she took a couple of deep breaths, smiled at me and she was back to her old self. Like she flipped a switch between her moods. I’ve seen her do this before but it usually took longer…

Then she gave me another speech on how I have to be careful around some of the people Daddy hired this summer. Some of them are…unsavory, including Nick. What did she mean by that? I want to ask him but how? He’s so sweet to me. I’m not scared of him. He’s one of the few people I spend time with and actually feel comfortable around. Mom made him sound like some sort of criminal but I find that hard to believe.

And really, what can I say to him? Hey Nick, my mom said you’re ‘unsavory’ – ha ha, funny word right? Well, anyway, I’d like to know. Ever been to jail? Are you a criminal?

That wouldn’t go over very well.

I have to be careful around Heather though. I can’t tell her anything, but you know what? I think I’m going to have a little chat with her. Tell her I’ll let Mom know she’s getting a little too close to Michael during work hours. I caught them hanging all over each other on the backside of the stables the day before Nick kissed me in there. Mom would flip if she knew that.

I’m also going to ask for my phone back. It’s almost my birthday. A sort of early birthday present then? I don’t even want any presents. Just my phone. I need to find a way to communicate with Nick so no one else will know.

The more I think about it, the angrier I get. I’m going to be seventeen and I never get to do anything. All I want is my phone. Oh, and a secret little summer romance with Nick.. Lots of girls my age do way worse.

But my parents don’t let me do anything.

I have one more year of high school and then I’m gone. I can’t live under their rules anymore. Mom and Daddy are too strict. I love them. They mean everything to me, even when Mom treats me so terribly and Daddy ignores me because he’d rather take care of his ‘followers’ than his family. But I’m almost an adult. I need to experience my own life, do what I want, not what my parents expect of me.

Being away from Nick, even for two days, makes me worry. What if he’s changed his mind? What if he doesn’t care about me any more? The kiss could’ve been just that….a kiss and nothing else. A way for him to experiment and see if he was interested in me or not. So what if he’s not? What if he hates me? What if he thinks I’m a terrible kisser, that I have bad breath, that I’m some weird little obsessive girl who has zero experience when he’s looking for a girl with lots of experience? Someone sexy and confident.

That is so not me.

I wish it were though. I wish I were sexy and confident. Just for Nick though.

Just for Nick.