Hockey Is My Boyfriend: Part Three (37 page)

P
hil

C
autiously optimistic
.

Those were the doctor’s words after my mom’s operation. He thought he had removed all the tumours. Next she’d have to go for chemo, but he was cautiously optimistic that she could be cancer-free at some point. He made no guarantees of course, but overall the outcome was much better than we had expected.

I watched my dad’s face. Relief took over from the worry and tension that had been etched there. Our home wasn’t exactly a hotbed of demonstrative affection, but in a crisis, my family came together. My dad depended on my mother more than I had ever realized.

Afterwards, I went for a nice lunch with my father and my brother. For the first time in weeks, my senses were awakening. I could see the sparkling sunlight, smell the fresh bread, and hear the din from the kitchen. The seafood linguini was the best I’d ever tasted—salty, lightly spiced, with perfectly al dente pasta. We polished off a bottle of wine and told stories about my mother’s crazy adventures. She was the strongest woman I knew. I could feel that tightness in my stomach loosening. It was like I had been underwater and I was rising to the surface.

After lunch, I decided to take a walk by myself in the sunshine. I texted Kelly to let her know the good news, then kept walking and meditating on life. Ironically, although I had spent so long wishing for Kelly to reappear in my life, all this week I had too much on my mind to even process her presence. But now that my mom was getting better, I could finally think about us.

At the wedding, Kelly had explained that the asshole cheated on her. I had hardly processed that information then. But I realized what a huge betrayal that had been for someone as loyal as Kelly. And her experience had left her marked.

Now we had a week of “fun times” planned. Kelly was in her element when she was being helpful. We weren’t dating and there was nothing romantic about us hanging out, but still—we were at least together.

For my week off work, I got into a routine. I spent the days at the hospital with my mom, retreating to a nearby Starbucks to work when she napped or had medical procedures. Then I went out with Kelly every night and reported those excursions back to my mother the next day. On Saturday, when she was being discharged, Kelly came along to help us. She said she could take care of any “female” things, but I knew it was her big heart that made her do all this. She was always sympathetic and giving, and now it was my turn to be on the receiving end of her kindness.

I drove her back from my parents’ place. She invited me in, and I got to see the famous basement suite.

It was unbelievably tiny. She had a single bed against one wall, a couch, and a white coffee table. The white walls had been freshly painted, but that couldn’t disguise the fact that there was hardly any natural light, and you could see people’s feet walking by the tiny window. The kitchen was a miniature sink, an under-the-counter fridge and a two-burner stove, with a small counter ledge separating it from the main room. There was a tiny bathroom in a strange green colour and a closet jammed full of stuff. Her hockey bag was under the bed, and her hockey sticks decorated one corner.

“Isn’t it nice?” she asked, apparently without irony.

“Nice? Kelly, it’s kind of a shithole.”

“I know, but it’s
my
shithole. I pay the rent, and I call the shots here.”

“Isn’t this a big contrast from the last place you lived?”

“I’d rather live here on my own nickel than in some gilded cage.”

“Then it’s great.” I wasn’t arguing. “Wasn’t that couch at Ben’s place before?” I thought I recognized the ugly striped pattern.

“Yeah, April made him get rid of it. She’s going to sew a white slipcover for me when she gets back from her honeymoon. And I got the coffee table at a garage sale and painted it.”

I looked at the tiny single bed. Clearly, she wasn’t getting any action in that bed unless she was dating midgets or contortionists. She saw me staring and blushed a bit.

“It’s my old bed from home. It’s not like I could fit a bigger bed, and that one is fine—for my needs.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I’m not going to be dating or, you know, anything else.” It was funny how Kelly could be so uninhibited in bed and yet unable to mention sex in conversation.

A fat tabby cat appeared from under the bed and rubbed up against my legs. I bent down to pet him.

“Hey, Gino.” I looked up, and Kelly was beaming at me. I couldn’t help smiling in return. “You got your cat back?”

“Yeah, he wasn’t too impressed. He was staying in cat paradise. Martha had cat perches everywhere, a cat water fountain, and zillions of cat toys. I suspect she’s also a catnip dealer.” She rubbed Gino’s back. “But I love him—which has to count for something, right, sweetie?”

It would for me. Now that my mind was clear, I could see her better. Kelly was in pain, and that broke open something in me.

“Did you want a drink or something to eat?”

“Sure, a water would be great.”

She got us both glasses of ice water and sat down on her bed. Gino immediately jumped into her lap and started purring. He wasn’t that unhappy here.

I reached over and took Kelly’s hand.

“Thank you for everything, Kel. You’ve been great.”

She shook her head. “I haven’t done anything. I’ll keep visiting for sure. If that’s what Greta wants.”

“I’m sure she does. I can bring you when I drive out there.”

“I think she was happy to see you going out and having fun.”

“Then you’ll need to keep planning fun things for us to do.”

“Oh, playing the sick mother card, are we?” She laughed, but like everything about her, the laugh wasn’t quite right. She was marked by unhappiness. Most people wouldn’t notice, but I knew her so well.

“Kelly, now that I don’t have to worry about my mom as much, I can think about us.”

She pulled her hand out of mine. “Phil, wait. I am not anywhere ready to date. I’m still kind of an emotional basket case.”

“Hey, I’m not blind. But I’m not going to play games with you. I want us to go out, but I’m willing to hang out until you’re ready.” Like I did before. I was willing to wait for Kelly because she was so special to me.

Kelly let out a big sigh. “Who knows when I’ll be ready?”

“We’ve been having fun, right? We’ll keep on doing active stuff, that’s all for now.”

“Phil, it doesn’t seem fair to you. It could be months.”

“Can I say one thing? You’ve been incredibly generous this week, to me and my mom.”

She ducked her head. “It’s not a big deal, anyone would do it.”

“It’s not a one-way street. You need to accept help too. Now that I’m feeling better, I want to give that to you.”

Kelly shook her head. “I’m fine. I’ve got a great job and a nice place to live.” She rubbed Gino’s belly. “And a cat. I’m all set to be a single woman.”

But she wasn’t fine. She was like a watercolour version of Kelly. She didn’t have the same snap and energy—she was almost delicate. What struck me most was how her sunny optimism was gone, like she realized that life could kick your ass and now she expected the worst. All thanks to Frechette.

Yet at the same time, there was a vulnerability about her now that wasn’t there before. She was always so fiercely independent and almost prickly about letting people in. Needing help made her more attractive. It wasn’t that I wanted to rescue her, as Emily had suggested; only that I wanted to support Kelly. For so long, I waited helplessly while I knew something was wrong, and now I could actually do something. The real Kelly was fearless, goofy, enthusiastic, pretty much the opposite of how she was now.

“You’ve told me before that you don’t like it when I manipulate you. So, I’m trying to change. I could hang around and pretend we’re just friends in the hopes that you’ll eventually give in—” I held her hand again. “To our incredible sexual attraction.”

Kelly laughed and shook her head. Was the heat I felt only one-sided?

I continued, “But I’m not going to do that. I’ll respect whatever boundaries you want to put in place, but I’m being completely honest with you. I want to be your boyfriend—for real.”

She closed her eyes and a deep, soundless shudder went through her body.

“I feel like I need to be alone. To find out who I really am.”

“Kelly, in other circumstances, I’d agree with you. But April’s just gotten married, and your parents are away for the rest of the year. You’re way too alone already. We had a lot of fun this week, right?”

She nodded. I clasped her hand in both of mine and caressed it.

“Then why not hang out?”

A number of expressions ran over her face. Mainly she looked scared, but then determined. “Maybe you’re right. Why shouldn’t we do stuff? Once you go back to work, we’ll be lucky to get together twice a week.”

Nope. This time I was prioritizing what was really important to me. I’d go into work at 5:00am if it meant spending more time with Kelly. “Great. Want to go out for dinner now?”

“Sure, but someplace cheap. Actually, there’s a Vietnamese place that’s not far. We could walk there, and I could do a little grocery shopping on the way.”

At dinner, Kelly ordered a big bowl of pho with seafood, and I had the same. Once we started eating, she seemed to perk up.

“Man, I missed places like this when I was in Chicago. We went out to all these expensive steakhouses and the portions were enormous. Maddy and I used to split one order.”

“Maddy?”

“Yeah, she was my best friend. Her boyfriend is Ian MacEwan. I don’t talk to anyone anymore. I think it’s just better to make a clean break.”

“Was it awkward when the team was in Vancouver?” The Blackhawks had defeated the Canucks during the second round of the playoffs, and I wondered if Frechette had tried to call her or get back together.

She scowled. “Only awkward in that I had to go to work and see his face larger than life on every frigging television in the place. They’re lucky I didn’t throw something through the screen.” Then she smiled. “Of course, once they won, everyone in town hated him too. That was nice.”

She seemed to be harbouring a ton of hostility. “Did you want to talk about all this shit? You know, get it off your chest.” Then I made the mistake of looking down at her chest. Under her denim shirt, I could remember exactly what Kelly looked like naked.

“No. Reliving what happened is the last thing I want to do.”

“Okay. How’s work going?”

“It’s fantastic.” She brightened up immediately. “I have an amazing boss. Right now I’m working in the sales department. I bribe my way into client presentations by doing everyone’s expense reports.”

“That doesn’t sound right,” I said.

“Silly Phil. Once you hand over your expense reports, I own you. I know exactly what the guys have been doing—where and when and if they’re legitimately working. I learnt that back in my radio days.”

I laughed. Working Kelly seemed a lot tougher than I expected.

“At least you’re getting paid. I know a few interns who are working for free.”

“I’m lucky. It’s a great job and the salary isn’t terrible.”

“Maybe you could afford a new apartment.”

“And leave my beloved dungeon? Besides, I racked up a few debts, and I need to save up.”

“You’ve changed a lot,” I said.

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve grown up a lot. It’s strange, I’ve known you for so long and now I feel like I need to get to know you all over again.”

She shrugged. “Essentially, I’m still the same person. I’m not as childish and naïve.”

I reached across and held her hand. She twitched once, but left her hand there. “Childlike is good though. Don’t lose that.”

She smiled at me. Things between us would take time, but I was cautiously optimistic.

P
hil

“
H
ey Phil
, come on in,” Ben held the door open and took a quick look behind me. Their townhouse was always spotless, and now it was full of delicious dinner smells. “Great to see you. How’s everything?”

“Good, things are getting under control at work these days, so it’s not quite as crazy.” I was getting the occasional weekend off which was great.

“Yeah, I’ve driven by the site a few times. Looks good.”

April appeared and gave me a hug. “Where’s Kelly?”

“She got caught in traffic on the way back from Whistler, so she’ll get here as soon as she can.”

“Whistler? What’s she doing up there?” Ben wondered.

“Canucks rookie training camp.”

We all went to the kitchen. Ben passed me a beer while April chopped parsley. I could see an elaborate dinner was all set to go. Marriage had changed both of them—for the better. Ben had always been confident in his school and work life, but now he had a personal self-assurance as well. He had landed the girl of his dreams, and that had made him very happy. And April, who could sometimes be a little competitive and bossy, seemed more relaxed now. I suspected that it was the security of Ben’s love and his family wealth. I had always liked both of them, but these days their place seemed to be my second home. The fact that Kelly loved coming over helped as well.

“Well, this is a perfect opportunity to talk to you alone—about your relationship,” April declared.

I groaned and Ben made some warning noises, but April looked determined. “How is everything going between the two of you?”

“Is it asking too much to decompress from work before the personal inquisition?” I asked.

“Yes,” she replied. “Because Kelly could be here anytime, and I’m worried about her. I thought once you two started dating that she’d snap out of her—” April paused and frowned at me. “I don’t even know what to call it. It’s not like she’s depressed or anything. She’s just not herself. She was always so positive and energetic, and now she seems muted. Not unhappy, but not happy either.”

I nodded. It was something I thought about every day. We’d been going out for four months. We did normal dating things, but we weren’t having sex yet or even making out too much. She seemed so fragile that I didn’t want to push her. I knew she was working really hard, and I was glad she had a good job. But it wasn’t that hard to balance a normal social life too.

April was still watching me. “And you’re not that ecstatic either, despite the fact that you’ve finally landed your dream girl. I hope Kelly was kidding when she commented that waiting until marriage worked out so well for Ben and me.”

I almost spit out my beer. Kelly was such a commitment-phobe that waiting for marriage could take years. I didn’t think I could go years without sex, especially since I found Kelly so attractive.

Now April had a knowing smile on her face. “Aha! I suspected that sex was the problem. Both of you have the most self-satisfied expressions when you’re going at it hot and heavy.”

“It’s not about sex,” I protested. “It’s about trust. Kelly doesn’t seem to be able to relax and be in a relationship.”

“I know. She’s not the same, and I blame that stupid hockey player. He’s a liar and a cheater, and I wish I could get five minutes alone with him. With a hockey stick!” She growled in exasperation. Having a few minutes alone with the asshole was high on my fantasy list as well.

Ben sighed and went out to start the barbeque. It was clearly something that April had talked about before.

“It’s been long enough,” April declared. “There’s a break-up recovery formula you know. One month for every year you’ve gone out. They didn’t even go out for a year, and it’s been over four months since she came back.”

“Kelly feels things more intensely than other people. She’s more trusting.”

“What about you?” April asked.

I wanted Kelly to be happy, and I was content to let her set the pace. I firmly believed that 70% of Kelly was better than 100% of anyone else. “I can wait,” I replied. “I’m willing to give her as much time as she needs.”

“But isn’t the clock ticking on your end?”

“Yeah, eventually I’ll be moving back to Calgary.”

“And since your project is housing for the 2010 Olympics, I assume you’ll be moving by next February. That’s just over six months. If you need to lock this thing with Kelly down.”

“April, why are you lecturing me? Of course I’d like things to be normal with Kelly. But it’s not up to me. She asked me not to pressure her, and I’m honouring that. I think that’s what Frechette did, and look how that turned out. Why don’t you take this up with Kelly? She’s your best friend.”

April made a face at me. “I have—numerous times. But she puts up this wall. She’ll be nodding and agreeing, but I know she’s not really listening to me. Ben thinks I’m meddling, but I can honestly see that she’s not really happy. Kelly normally enjoys life so much, and it’s so frustrating to see her like this.”

I nodded in agreement. At first, I assumed that time would fix everything, but while Kelly was a lot happier these days, she still wasn’t the same. Her enthusiasm and energy levels were low.

“What about hockey? That always makes her happy. Can’t she play hockey with you?”

“It’s not on right now. We’ve done a few drop-in sessions. And Hoff has her signed up to play with us in the fall.”

There was a knock on the door and then Kelly walked in. She greeted us with hugs and a huge smile. She was the opposite of the sad waif we’d been describing. I put my arm around her and realized that anyone would think we were a normal couple—but we weren’t.

Kelly ate tortilla chips and drank her mineral water. “I had the best day. We interviewed a bunch of the rookies. And guess what? Betty is getting me to do all the hockey video for our website. It’s more scripted, but it’ll get me trained for live interviews. I have to try to be funny though. That’s challenging.”

“Be yourself,” I reassured her. “You’re charming enough.”

She beamed up at me, and I felt a stirring of emotion inside. I loved Kelly, and it was frustrating not to be able to tell her. April was watching us, and she had a maternal smile on her face. It was funny how we all wanted to help Kelly, even though she treasured her independence.

The dinner was great and afterwards we played board games. It was the kind of evening I would have mocked a few years ago but now seemed perfect. Maybe I was getting boring, but after a long day at work, kicking back and doing low-key things was perfect.

Still, I couldn’t help but feel regretful as we left Ben and April, who were so blissfully into each other, and headed out for yet another night of separate bedrooms.

It occurred to me that we were all tiptoeing around Kelly’s feelings. None of us wanted to upset her and turn her back into the emotional zombie she had been when she got back from Chicago. Maybe if her parents were here to talk sense to her, things would be different. I knew I didn’t want to lose her, but I was starting to wonder if Emily was right when she predicted that the rebound guy would never get Kelly. If I insisted that we take things to the next level, would she turf me and then move on? But this wasn’t just about sex—it was about trust. If Kelly didn’t trust me enough by now, what was it going to take?

We got into my car. Before I turned on the ignition, I looked over at Kelly.

“I was wondering…would you like to stay over at my place tonight?”

Her eyes widened, and she didn’t say a word. Well, at least she was thinking about it and not saying no immediately.

“Um, I’m kind of tired,” Kelly finally replied.

“Kel, you know you can depend on me, right?”

She leaned over and kissed me—but on the cheek. “I know that. I’m really just tired. Maybe another time.”

The barrier was back between us. What would it take to bring it down?