Hold Me Tight (19 page)

“Merry Christmas, honey child,” Wanda says, her eyes shining at me. “Didn’t I tell you that you’d get your miracle?”

Eric starts bawling, his emotions finally getting the best of him.

I want to hold him in my arms and comfort him, but I can’t reach him. However, it only takes a second for Dr. P. to draw him in, and he lets him cry on his shoulder. I smile through my tears at him for doing everything possible to make this day a reality.

Somehow, we all did it. Together.

Chapter Twenty-Six
Eric

There’s something I have to do today. I can only hope that Ivy will go along with it.

I’m standing next to her wheelchair as we stare into the incubator holding our daughter. I don’t think I left this window until shortly after dawn, afraid that she wouldn’t make it through the night. But Christmas Day arrived and she’s still here, small and frail and clinging to life.

She’s going to be in the NICU for probably the next three months, if not longer. There are so many milestones she needs to reach before we can even think about taking her home, everything from breathing on her own to maintaining a steady body temperature. It was all explained to us within the last twenty-four hours, but it’s all been a blur to me. I can’t retain anything more than knowing that she’s alive.

Dr. P. wanted to meet with us tonight to go over the results of her blood work. I know neither of us wants to leave Natalie, but we’re going to have to start heading over to his office. It’s just down the hall, but it seems like a world away.

“Don’t worry. I’ll sit with her while you’re gone,” Wanda says, coming up behind us, placing her hands on our shoulders, and giving us a squeeze. “I’ll take good care of your little girl.”

“I know you will, Wanda,” Ivy replies, smiling up at her.

“Did either of you get any sleep last night?” Wanda inquires, stepping back to get a good look at us.

“They gave me something so I could rest, but I don’t think he slept a wink,” Ivy laughs, jerking her thumb at me.

“He’s a new dad. He’s not supposed to get any sleep,” Wanda concurs, nodding at me.

“I don’t mind,” I say, yawning, causing them both to chuckle.

“Well, we’d better get a move on before he falls asleep on his feet,” Ivy responds, poking me in the ribs. “Thanks for doing this, Wanda.”

“And let us know if anything happens,” I urge, gripping the handlebars of Ivy’s wheelchair. “Anything at all.”

“I will,” Wanda proclaims. “You can count on it.”

She waves to us as we turn the corner, and I already feel a tug like I want to get back to Natalie. I never imagined this connection to her would be so strong, like it physically hurts to be away from her.

The light in Dr. P.’s office is on, and he rises from behind his desk when he sees us coming. He’s still here after we practically made him give up his entire holiday for us. He’s the most dedicated physician I’ve ever met, and I’m glad he was the one who brought Natalie safely into the world. No one else could have done it but him. Of that much, I’m certain.

“How are the proud parents doing this evening?” he greets us as we roll through the door.

“Elated, tired, relieved,” I reply, settling Ivy in front of him, “and everything in between.”

“That’s to be expected,” he agrees, resting his hands on top of the chart he has spread open before him. “Childbirth is an experience that runs the full gamut of emotions.”

“I don’t know how you do it for a living,” Ivy jokes. “You’re the calmest man I’ve ever met.”

“I’m just there to ease things along. It’s the mother who does all the work and the father who has all the stress.” Dr. P. replies, nodding at us in turn. “But I’m here for you whenever those bumps in the road come along to help guide you through them. Natalie is holding her own, but I was anxious to review the results of her blood work with you. I was thorough in what I had the lab look for. As you know, she made it through a very high-risk pregnancy, and the forty-eight hours after birth are going to be a critical time in her life.”

I find it hard to breathe as he goes on, my chest tightening.

“And so far, she’s stable. She’s right where I’d like her to be.” Dr. P. pauses, and I ball my fists, waiting for that dreaded word. “But…”

And in that moment, I feel like I’m outside of myself. Our fate rests in what he’s about to say. I thought last night was hard when I got the call that Ivy was in labor, but this seems so much worse now that I’ve seen Natalie, now that I want to do everything I can to protect her.

“There is something I want to bring to your attention,” Dr. P. continues, never wavering in that confident tone of voice we’ve come to depend on. “It was detected that Natalie has an extra chromosome in her genetic code, indicative of mental retardation.”

It’s like a kick in the stomach as I hang my head and gasp for air. I look down at the top of Ivy’s head and she doesn’t even flinch.

Dr. P. glances from me to her, noticing the variance in our reaction. “Do you need me to give you a minute alone?” he asks, gazing at me in particular. “I know it’s a lot to take in.”

“No, we’re fine, Doc,” Ivy responds, not even giving me a second thought. “Please go on.”

I kneel down beside her, taking her face in my hands. “Ivy, did you hear what he said?”

“I did,” she says, her eyes brimming with sympathy. “And it’s going to be okay. Do you want to know why? Because she’s here with us now, and that’s all I ever wanted. She’s perfect just the way she is. I wouldn’t want her any other way.”

“But, Ivy, it’s going to be so hard,” I protest, not really sure if she’s grasping the full weight of the situation.

“The entire pregnancy was hard,” she replies, placing her hand on top of mine. “This is something we can handle. She’s going to need two parents who are there for her and love her unconditionally. That’s why she was sent to us. She knew we needed her.”

I hear Dr. P. clear his throat, overwhelmed by what she is saying, and I don’t want to argue with her. I don’t, but it’s not that simple.

“Eric, listen to me,” she pleads, taking my hands in hers. “We can do this. I know we can.”

I turn my head away from her and gaze at Dr. P., stricken.

“We won’t know how severe the mental retardation is until she gets older,” he says gently. “She could be very high-functioning.”

“But you don’t know,” I say, pressing him for a solid answer.

“No, I don’t know,” he replies honestly. “But I think it’s safe to say that we’re going to do everything in our power to help her live a full and complete life.”

“Eric, she still hasn’t made it through the first forty-eight hours,” Ivy reminds me, drawing my attention back to her. “We have to take this one step at a time. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

“But what if she’s never able to talk or tie her shoes or go to school,” I mutter, my mind spinning as the years flash before my eyes. “What if something happens to us and she’s left with no one to take care of her? What then?”

I feel lightheaded as the lack of sleep catches up with me. I stagger backward, pressing my back against the wall. I’ve never had a panic attack, but it feels like I’m experiencing one right now.

Dr. P. gets up from his desk and guides me into the empty chair next to Ivy. “Take some deep breaths for me,” he commands, and I close my eyes, feeling sick. His hand hovers over my neck, searching for my pulse. “You need to relax. Getting all upset isn’t going to help anybody.”

“Eric…” Ivy whispers, placing her hand on my knee.

“Ivy is absolutely right,” Dr. P. says with gusto, giving my shoulder a squeeze. “You can do this. When you love someone, you’re capable of more than you know.”

“And we’ll make sure that she’s provided for,” Ivy exclaims as I open my eyes to look at her. “No matter what.”

“But—” I falter.

“No buts.” She stops me, holding up her hand. “Dr. P. and I talked about this before and he sees no reason why we can’t have more children. Natalie won’t be alone. I swear to you that will never happen. We’re going to do everything in our power to provide her with a houseful of brothers and sisters who will take care of her when she gets older.”

I take a shaky breath. “I don’t know about a houseful.”

She smiles at me, tears glistening in her eyes. “Well, we’ll sure have fun trying.”

“We don’t even have anywhere to live,” I groan, feeling ten years older than when I first walked into the room. “I need to start—”

“Eric.” Ivy places her fingers atop my lips. “Natalie is going to be here most likely until Easter. We have plenty of time to sort everything out. I don’t care where we live as long as she’s there with us.”

“Please don’t think that I don’t love her because of this,” I whisper, feeling myself starting to cry again and hating myself for being so weak when Ivy’s being so unbelievably strong. “I love her even more if that’s humanly possible.”

“Eric, I never thought that,” she reassures me, reaching forward to caress my face. “I know how much it means to you to be a good provider and how it scares you when you think you can’t give the ones you love everything they need. But you’ve so got this, you hear me? All she needs is a father who loves her, and I know you’re going to give her more love than she knows what to do with.”

I lean into her, brushing my lips across hers, kissing her tenderly.

I break away when we hear a gentle knock on the door.

“I don’t mean to interrupt, but I thought you’d like to know that Santa is right outside the incubator room,” Wanda says, popping her head in. “It might be a nice shot if I wheel Natalie over to the glass so you can get her first picture with Santa.”

“Go,” Dr. P. urges, throwing up his hands as he dabs his eyes with a handkerchief. “I don’t want to miss this myself.”

I stroke my thumb across Ivy’s cheek, smiling into her eyes.

I’m just about to follow Wanda when my phone pings. Reaching down, I quickly read the text. My dad was able to come through for me. I’m going to be able to give Ivy the Christmas gift I wanted to.

“And after we’re done there, I’d like to invite everyone down to the chapel,” I announce as Ivy gazes at me, her eyes wide. “I know it’s last-minute, but there’s a minister in attendance waiting to make Ivy my wife.”

Ivy utters a cry, covering her mouth.

“That is, if she’s ready to say, ‘I do,’” I tease her as I stare into those sparkling green eyes I love so much.

“I’d marry you any time, any place, any how,” she giggles, drawing me down for another kiss.

“You two are about ready to do me in,” Wanda jokes. “I don’t know how much more this old heart of mine can take.”

“Then we better get a move on,” I reply, pushing Ivy out the door past her. “Time’s a-wasting.”

“It only took having his baby for him to want to make an honest woman out of me,” Ivy razzes me, making them both laugh.

“Oh, honey, he already told me he thought about marrying you while you were unconscious. Too bad you weren’t awake to see it,” Wanda joshes her back.

“Now that is something I didn’t know,” Dr. P. chimes in.

“Oh yeah. This guy is all about the unexpected,” Wanda carries on, despite the fact that my cheeks are bright red. “At least this time she’ll be cognizant, and that’s always a good thing. I always advise couples not to tie the knot whenever they’re under the influence of prescription medication. It’s not a good foundation for a lasting partnership.”

“Well, I only operate when it comes to forever,” I reply, playing with a strand of Ivy’s hair.

“I know you do, sweetheart,” Wanda agrees, falling into step beside me. “Because nothing else matters.”

“I couldn’t have said it better myself,” Ivy replies, glancing up at us.

“You and Natalie are my forever, and you always will be,” I whisper ardently, for the first time in a long time not feeling afraid of the future that lies ahead of us.

Chapter Twenty-Seven
Ivy

I gaze around at all of the familiar faces and I feel like I’m going to burst with happiness.

I’m in a hospital gown with a blanket thrown over my shoulders and my hair in a ponytail without a stitch of makeup on my face. I’m in desperate need of a shower, and if I close my eyes, I think I could sleep through the next five days, no problem. It’s not how I pictured myself as a bride, but when it all comes down to it, it’s the only way I want to get married.

Our child is resting peacefully a few floors above us. Our loved ones are all here, and a light snow is starting to fall outside. It couldn’t be more perfect. There’s nothing I want more than to become Eric’s wife. Marrying the father of my child is the only thing my heart desires on this Christmas night.

The minister, Pastor Ted, is carefully lighting the candles on the altar. The hospital chapel looks so beautiful with its stained-glass windows and the giant poinsettias Eric’s dad brought over from the garden center. I blink back tears when I look over at my mom, standing between Dr. P. and Wanda. The rehab facility granted her a few hours leave in order to spend a portion of the holiday with her family. I didn’t think that I’d want her at my wedding, but now that she’s standing there, smiling at me, I can’t imagine her not being here.

This has to be hard for Ben, it being the first Christmas without his brother, but he came and I’m ever so grateful. Eric must not have given anyone much notice because he’s wearing his football jersey and a pair of baggy sweatpants like he just rolled out of bed. I know he’s been depressed over Tim’s passing, hardly leaving his parents’ house except to go to school. It’s so good to see him. If not for Ben, I might not be here, and neither would Natalie.

Eric’s mom lays down a white satin runner on the floor before hitting a button on her laptop, and the opening notes of the “Wedding March” issue forth. That’s my cue as I reach up and take Will’s hand, and he starts pushing my wheelchair down the aisle. Shep barks, thumping his tail as Eric’s dad gives him a good scratch behind the ears to keep him quiet. Animals aren’t allowed in the hospital, so I don’t know how he was able to sneak him in, but I’m glad he’s here. It wouldn’t be the same without him.

But I only have eyes for Eric as Will guides me closer. Even in a t-shirt and jeans, my heart still skips a beat at the way he’s looking at me. From the day we first met, the weight of his gaze has never wavered in its intensity. He knew what he wanted even before I did. I remember ducking my head against his chest on that dirt road, afraid of what it all meant. But now I know, and I’m as sure of it as he is.

Pastor Ted leads us through the opening words of the ceremony, and I repeat what I’m supposed to say after him. I want this moment to remain crystal clear in my memory, but all I can concentrate on is the warmth of Eric’s breath on my face as he kneels before me. Nothing else matters because mere words can never express what this man means to me. The depth of the attachment we’ve forged can never be summed up with a simple phrase. It defies logic and reason and all of those categorizations people like to place on love. It’s deeper than that—so much deeper than that.

“Have the two of you prepared your own vows?” Pastor Ted asks as we stare intently into each other’s eyes, lost in our own little world.

“I’d like to wing it if that’s all right,” Eric begins, looking at Pastor Ted for confirmation, and he nods emphatically in the affirmative. “I’m not good when it comes to public speaking. I’m better at digging in the dirt with my hands, finding the perfect depth to plant a tree or scattering seeds across a newly plowed field. But this woman makes me want to do things I didn’t think I was capable of. Her love for me makes me feel like I have no limitations, that I can do anything I set my mind to do, because she believes in me with her whole heart.”

He pauses to take the gold band from Pastor Ted, slipping it loosely onto my pinky finger.

“I know this ring doesn’t fit you now, but it will,” he says, kissing my hand. “And every time you look at it, I want you to know how much I love you and how that love never wavers but only grows stronger with each passing day. You are an incredible woman, Ivy Thompson, and I know I don’t deserve you. But I’ll try and prove myself worthy of your love from now until the day I die. I will cherish you with every breath I take. You own me body and soul. There is no one for me but you.”

I hear sniffles all around us as everyone succumbs to the sincerity of his words. I don’t know how I’m going to match it. I have nothing prepared. I didn’t even know this was happening until a half hour ago. And he just blew me away with the most heartfelt declaration I’ve ever heard.

My hand trembles as I hold it out to Pastor Ted for Eric’s matching ring. I don’t even know when Eric had time to get these, but he did. The sheer romance he’s brought to our engagement and now our wedding is making me fall in love with him all over again.

I run the smooth gold band down his finger, smiling when it slides snugly into place. I can’t wait to feel what it’s like when he runs his hand down my naked back with it on his finger. The light tinge of metal combining with the coarseness of his hands is going to be intoxicating. I feel my cheeks getting warm just thinking about it. It’s been so long since we’ve able to be fully intimate with each other that my mind can’t resist wandering in that direction, especially after what he just said to me. I’ve never wanted him more than I do right now.

But I have to keep this PG. Our parents are in attendance. I run my hands up his wrists all the way to his elbows, feeling the strength in his arms and letting it inspire me. I’m the writer. I’m the one who should be good at expressing myself, but I feel shy, not wanting to share what’s in my heart with a room full of people. I want to whisper it in his ear as he’s moving above me, buried deep inside of me. And I will when we get back to that place, but for now, I’ll have to make do with something less private but no less meaningful.

“Eric, you have always been my savior, my champion, my hero,” I whisper, mostly to him, making everyone else strain to hear what I said.

His breathing quickens when he sees the fire in my eyes. He knows that those words were just for him. How this self-supporting girl never would have admitted to being dependent on a man, except for him. I make no claims of being some damsel in distress, and he knows that, making my admission even more powerful.

“I’m nothing without you,” I continue in a louder voice. “I thought that I was capable of finding my way through life by myself, on my own terms. I didn’t need to be dependent on anyone for anything, especially when it came to securing my happiness. And then I met you, and I knew I couldn’t have been more wrong.”

People in the audience start to chuckle, and I smile along with them even though Eric looks as serious as can be, waiting for me to go on.

“You showed me that true courage doesn’t mean going it alone, it’s about having the guts to open your heart to someone, showing them the good and bad sides of yourself, and hoping they’ll love you anyway. Eric, you made me brave enough to take that leap. You made me want to try. If not for you, I’d still be chasing after the wrong things in life, believing that they would somehow make me happy. But with you, I felt it from the first moment you touched me. I couldn’t deny it. I didn’t want to deny it. It’s the first time something felt so right, so real. I didn’t have to question it or analyze it. I just knew. You were the one.”

Eric doesn’t wait for Pastor Ted to declare us husband and wife. He leans in, capturing my lips eagerly, without inhibition. Someone whistles loudly, but he doesn’t stop, and I can’t resist as my hands land on his broad shoulders, pulling him closer to me. People are starting to whisper, and Pastor Ted coughs, trying to get our attention, but all we want right now is each other.

I know how Eric can get carried away, that I’m going to have to be the one to stop this. But he feels so good I don’t want to let him go, even with everyone watching. I allow him to go on for a few seconds more before I find the strength to push him away, gasping for breath as I hold on to his biceps. He’s breathing heavily as he rests his forehead against mine, a hint of a smile on his face.

“Well, I’ve never seen that before,” Pastor Ted remarks, awkwardly shuffling his Bible from hand to hand as we hear Will groan in the background. “Are you folks ready to continue now?”

“Uh huh,” Eric grunts, and I wish my hair were down so it could shield my face from view as I watch his chest heave beneath his shirt.

“I think we can make short work of this,” Pastor Ted remarks, giving us a reprieve. “By the power vested in me by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, I now pronounce you husband and wife.”

A cheer goes up as Eric nuzzles my nose before standing and turning my wheelchair to face them.

“I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Eric Young,” Pastor Ted exclaims, and I savor every syllable of that sentence.

I’m finally Mrs. Eric Young, the one and only. In that moment, random images flash through my mind—Cassidy and Eric’s engagement picture, Lauren kissing him at the gala. At one time or another, they both wanted to be where I am, and now they’re both gone. I let myself reflect on that for a second, realizing how much I have to be thankful for. I’m alive. I’m here. I’m Eric’s wife, and no one can take that away from me. Not now, not ever.

I beam up at Eric as he pushes me forward, and he bends down to give me another quick kiss. I expect him to stop and mingle with our guests, but he keeps going straight out the door. I don’t have to ask where we’re headed. I already know.

He hits the button for the elevator as it slides open. The hospital is practically deserted, and there’s no one inside as he wheels me over the grate. We have it all to ourselves. He punches the number for the NICU floor and steps back, examining me, a look of indecision on his handsome face.

“What?” I prompt him, as the elevator starts to rise.

Without another thought, he jabs the emergency stop button with his thumb and we jerk to a halt. Before I can blink, he’s tugging his shirt over his head and dropping to his knees before me. I press against the footrests of the wheelchair, leaning back as his lips explore my neck and a moan issues from my mouth. Encouraged by my response, he takes more liberties, his hands cupping my backside as he guides me toward him, his fingers deftly loosening the straps of my hospital gown.

I shiver as it falls off my shoulders on account of the chilly air temperature and from what he’s doing to me. Immediately, he presses me against the warmth of his chest, his large, strong hands spanning my back. The heat from his skin is all I need as I wrap myself around him. I’m too sore to do anything more than spread my legs apart, and he moves in between them. He doesn’t push it as my nipples chafe against him. I’m still heavily padded down below, so I’m not surprised when he leaves me sitting in the wheelchair instead of picking me up and kissing me against the elevator wall.

And while that would be majorly hot, we’re not there yet.

I don’t exactly feel sexy right now. My breasts are tender after leaking milk most of the day, and I wish I could hide the stretch marks on my stomach since they don’t make me feel particularly desirable. But when Eric’s tongue starts softly probing the inside of my mouth, he makes me feel as alluring as ever. In terms of a wedding night, this is all we’re going to get, and I intend to make the most of it.

His hands hold me in place as he deepens the kiss. He wants me to let go, urging me to be in the moment with him and get out of my head. And that’s what I want to do as I stroke the hair at the nape of his neck, knowing how that drives him wild. He groans against my mouth, and I use the opportunity to glide my teeth along his bottom lip, teasing him as I nibble on the corner. I feel his ribs expand and contract in a faster rhythm as I pick up the pace, diving my tongue back into his mouth, causing his hips to involuntarily move against me.

I tremble when I feel his wedding band move across the small of my back. It’s as good as I hoped it would be…and more. I lower my hands to the dip in his pelvic muscle and trace the deep lines leading into his jeans. He shudders, and I feel it all the way through my body. We’re getting to the limit of what we can do as the elevator console begins to buzz.

Reluctantly, he releases my mouth, drawing in a sharp intake of breath. “Merry Christmas, Ivy Young,” he whispers, relishing how that sounds while he gazes deep into my eyes.

“I love that we share the same name now,” I murmur as he helps me slide my arms back into my hospital gown. “I’m yours—”

“And you’re mine,” he breaks in, giving me another lingering kiss. “What do you say we go see our daughter?”

“There’s nothing I’d like more,” I respond, smiling, quite certain that I’ll never be able to stop.