Holding Up the Universe (9 page)

On the wall above me, my great-great-something-grandfather stares at me from out of a giant frame, stern and wild-eyed. The stories paint him as a saintly man who lived to carve toys. If they're to be believed, he was a kind of selfless Indiana Santa Claus. But in his photo, he is one scary old son of a bitch.

He fixes those wild eyes on me as I leave a voicemail for Kam:
I'm sitting here at good old Masselin's Toys, wishing you well on your journey home. Let me know if you need money for a plane ticket back.

I hang up and say to Great-Great-Something-Grandfather, “Don't judge a man till you've walked a mile in his shoes.”

I'm in the store office returning emails, checking inventory, paying bills, work I could do in my sleep. Masselin's Toys has been in our family for five generations. It's survived the Great Depression and race riots and the downtown explosion of 1968 and the recession, and it will probably be here long after my dad is gone and I'm gone, long after the next ice age, when the only other survivors are cockroaches. Since birth, reliable, dutiful Marcus has been the one expected to take the baton from Dad. This is because for whatever reason everyone expects Great Things from Jack. But I know something they don't.
This will be me one day, living in this town, running this store, marrying, having kids, talking loudly to foreigners, cheating on my wife. Because what else am I possibly equipped for?

My phone buzzes and it's Kam, but before I can answer, a man walks in (dark, wiry hair, dark eyebrows, pale skin, Masselin's store shirt).

My dad clears his throat. The chemo has left him with hearing damage in one ear and a throat that constantly needs clearing. He says, “Why did you quit advanced chemistry?”

How the fuck does he know this? It only happened a couple of hours ago.

“I didn't.”

I'll tell you how he knows this. Monica Chapman probably whispered it in his ear as they were doing it in his car.

And before I can stop them, all these images go racing through my head of primeval naked body parts, some of them belonging to my dad.

He grabs a chair, and as he sits down I look away because I can't get these images out of my mind. “That's not what I heard.”
As I was banging Monica Chapman all over the chem lab. As I was banging her against your locker, on top of your lunch table, on the desk of every teacher you will ever have.

I say, maybe too loudly, “I just changed to the other class.”

“What was wrong with the class you were in?”

And there it is. I mean, he must be kidding, right? Because there's no way he's actually
continuing to ask me about this.

I can't avoid it. I have to look him in the eye—something that makes me even more uncomfortable than this conversation. “Let's just say I have a problem with the teacher.”

Dad's shoulders stiffen, and he knows I know, and it is awkward as hell in there. Suddenly I don't give a shit about the emails or the inventory. All I care about is leaving because
why would Monica Chapman tell him anything if she wasn't still sleeping with him?

This skinny kid with big ears sits at the kitchen table drinking milk out of one of the whiskey glasses my parents keep on the bar. Even though he's just a kid, the way he's sitting makes me think of an old man who's seen kinder times and better days. His purse is on the table.

I grab a glass, pour myself some juice, and say, “Is this seat taken?” He pushes the chair out to me with his foot and I sit. I hold out my glass and he clinks his against mine and we drink in silence. I can hear the tick of the grandfather clock from down the hall. We're the first ones home.

Finally, Dusty says, “Why are people so shitty?”

At first I think he knows about my conversation with Dad, or about me, about the person I am at school, but then my eyes go to the purse, where one of the ugliest words in the English language is scrawled across one side of it in black marker. The strap has been sliced in two.

My eyes go back to my little brother. “People are shitty for a lot of reasons. Sometimes they're just shitty people. Sometimes people have been shitty to them and, even though they don't realize it, they take that shitty upbringing and go out into the world and treat others the same way. Sometimes they're shitty because they're afraid. Sometimes they choose to be shitty to others before others can be shitty to them. So it's like self-defensive shittiness.” Which I know plenty about. “Who's being shitty to you?”

Dusty holds up his hand and shakes his head, which tells me no, we won't speak of details. “Why would being afraid make someone act shitty?”

“Because maybe someone doesn't like who he is, but then here's this other kid who knows exactly who he is and seems pretty damn fearless.” I glance at the purse. “Well, that can be intimidating and even though it shouldn't, it can make that first kid feel even worse about himself.”

“Even if the other kid isn't trying to make anyone feel worse, he's just being himself?”

“Exactly.”

“That's shitty.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“You just don't be shitty.”

“I can't promise anything except that I'll never be shitty to you, little brother.”

We drink like two old comrades, and after a while I say, “You know, I bet I could fix that bag for you. Or even build you a new one. One that's indestructible.”

He shrugs. “I'm better off without it.”

And the way he says it makes me want to buy him every goddamn purse in the world and start carrying one myself out of solidarity.

“What if I build you something else, then? What's one thing you've always wanted? Sky's the limit. Heart's desire.”

“A Lego robot.”

“One that can do your homework for you?”

He shakes his head. “Nah, I've got that covered.”

I lean back in my chair and rub my jaw like I'm deep in thought. “Okay, you probably want one that can do your chores.”

“Uh-uh.”

“Maybe a drone, then?”

“I want one that can be my friend.”

It's like a kick to the gut. I almost lose it right there, but instead I nod, rub my jaw, empty my glass. “Consider it done.”

After dinner, Dad and I sit on the couch and I show him the most recent Damsels video, filmed two weeks ago at a festival over in Indianapolis. Sequins flashing, stadium lights blaring, crowd cheering.
All that color. All that life.
I'm not sure anyone else on earth appreciates it as much as I do.

He says, “Are you sure about this?”

“No. But I'm auditioning anyway. You can't protect me from everything. If I fall on my face, I fall on my face, but at least I've done it.”

I hand him the application, which he flips through. He reaches for the pen that lies on the coffee table and signs his name. As he hands it back, he says, “You know, having you out in the world again is harder than I thought.”

I'm in the basement, which is like a warped version of Santa's workshop, cluttered with cars and dump trucks, Mr. Potato Heads, walkie-talkies, and all things Fisher-Price. Discarded toys, but other stuff too—car parts, motorcycle parts, motors, fragments of lawn mowers and appliances. Anything I can turn into something else. Some projects are finished, but most are works in progress, the guts pulled out, pieces everywhere. This is where I take things apart and put them back together in new and stupefying ways. The way I wish I could do with myself.

The phone buzzes and it's Kam. “I ran all the way to Centerville, man.”

I laugh the laugh of someone brave and manly. “Did the mean girl scare you?”

“Shut up. She was so fucking fast.”

“Are you okay? Do you need to talk about it?” I use the voice Kam's mom uses when she's speaking to his little sister, the one who's always crying and slamming doors.

“That's it, dude. The golden ring.”

“What?”

“Her. She's the prize. Or at least, the goal. Whoever can hold on to that one, wins.”

“Wins what?”

But I already know what he's going to say.

“Fat Girl Rodeo.”

The walls of the workshop start to close in around me.

“Mass?”

“Maybe I'm not so into this game.”

“What do you mean you're not into it?”

I mean I don't want to have this conversation because I don't like where this is going.

“It just seems kind of lame. I mean, dude,
Seth
came up with it.” When in doubt, always, always throw Seth under the bus.

“He didn't come up with it. He told us about it. A different animal altogether. Besides, it's fucking hilarious. What's wrong with you? She almost ran me over.”

“Seth's a moron.” More bus throwing as I try to think of a way to stop this before it ends in the humiliation of every heavy girl in school. They don't deserve it. The girl who hurdled that fence like a gazelle and chased Kam down the street doesn't deserve it. I say, “She doesn't deserve it.”

“Jesus, you mad fucker. It's like you want to take her to prom. Should I order the limo now?”

“I'm just saying we can make better use of our free time senior year. Have you
seen
the freshmen girls?” When in doubt, mention girls.

“Since when are you such a pussy?”

I stop talking. My heart pounds like a drum.
Say something , douchebag.

“We're doing this with or without you, Mass.”

Finally I go, “Whatever, man. Do what you want.”

“Thanks so much, I will. As long as we have your approval.”

“Dick.”

“Douche.” Our pet names for each other. The ground between us feels a little more solid, but the rest of the world shakes, like it's built on a high wire miles above the earth.