Hollywood Outlaw: A Hollywood Alphabet SeriesThriller (A Hollywood Alphabet Series Thriller Book 15) (29 page)
Authors: M.Z. Kelly
The next day, I made arrangements to drop Bernie off with my mother. I planned to turn in my badge, buy a new outfit, and then go for a long walk on the beach. Even though I had a lot of mixed feelings about quitting the department, I knew it was the right decision. While I’d gone through the motions of trying to move on, the truth was I hadn’t. Thoughts about Buck and our last day together still haunted me. After lots of soul-searching, I’d come to the realization that, on some level, we had still been in love.
The realization that Buck was gone forever and that I’d been betrayed by Noah felt overwhelming. I didn’t know if I would ever find another relationship. All I did know was that I’d made too many bad choices in my life. I needed to be alone and try to find a way back from everything. In a light moment, the thought even occurred to me that I needed to eat and pray, but, for now, definitely not love.
I stopped by Hollywood Station to say my goodbyes on the way to the Police Administration Building. I’d previously told Edna that I didn’t want any kind of party and was happy that my request had been honored.
The lieutenant was pushing a pile of paperwork around when I entered his office. “You’re really gonna fucking do this?” he asked.
I took a seat across from him. “Yes. It’s time for me to try something new.”
He picked up a pile of papers, held them up, then let them fall back to his desk. “Can’t say that I blame you. Retirement’s looking better and better to me.”
“How much longer until you pull the plug?”
He brushed a hand through his graying hair. “Maybe three or four. It’s hard to say.” He regarded me. “When you said you’re going to try something new, what did you mean?”
“I’m not sure. I just want something low stress.” I laughed. “Maybe I’ll sell hotdogs on a pier.”
“Hotdogs.” He exhaled. “I think you’re gonna go stir crazy.” His expression became more serious. “I’ve seen a lot of cops come and go over the years. You have a gift for this work, Kate. I’ve never seen anyone who was any fucking better at it.”
I smiled. “I appreciate you saying that.” I stood up. “I’m not burning any bridges, but it’s time for me to walk way.”
The lieutenant also stood and we exchanged hugs. He brushed a tear, turned away, and said, “Stay in touch.”
I made my way through the station before stopping at Selfie and Molly’s work stations. There were lots of tears after we exchanged a few stories about our work together.
After Selfie went off to fix her makeup, Molly said, “Thank you.”
“I’m the one who should be thanking you,” I said.
She shook her head. “You’ve always been there for me, Kate. After my husband left me, and through the divorce…” She broke down crying. “…I don’t know what I would have done without your support.”
I hugged her. “I was just sharing what I learned in the school of hard knocks. You’re welcome, sweetheart.” There were more hugs, lots of tears.
I was on my way to see Leo when I saw Darby coming down the hallway. He didn’t bother with saying hello. “I heard you were coming by.”
“Just saying a few goodbyes.”
He nodded. His gaze moved off and he mumbled something about work,
“I’m sorry?” I said.
He looked at me. “You’ve done some good work. I just want you to know that.”
“Thanks.” We exchanged a handshake and I moved on.
I found Leo at his desk across from my now empty workstation. I’d stopped by last night after Charlie’s non-wedding and emptied out my belongings. I took a seat across from him and smiled.
“It’s not gonna feel right without you sitting there,” Leo said.
“Once my replacement’s here, you’ll forget all about me.”
He shook his head. “They could put Honey West in your chair and it still wouldn’t make any difference.”
“Who?”
He smiled. “An old TV detective. Forget it.”
My eyes lingered on him as I tried to tamp down my emotions and express what I was feeling. “I’m just…I want you to know…” My eyes teared up. “Damn. I told myself I wasn’t going to do this.”
I now saw there were tears in his eyes. “You don’t have to say anything, Kate. I want you to know…” He sniffed. “I love you like a daughter.”
His words brought a waterfall of tears from both of us. After lots of hugs, pledges to stay in touch, and him telling me he’d let me know if he heard anything about Pearl, I made a hasty exit. It felt to me like I was leaving home and I didn’t know if I would ever return.
I was leaving the station when I looked up and saw Joe Dawson coming my way. We stopped in the parking lot and exchanged greetings.
“Don’t tell me you’re in town looking for an acting gig,” I said.
“Not unless Hollywood is ready for the world’s biggest pain in the ass.” He smiled. “Just doing a little follow-up for Greer, closing out some paperwork with your department.” His expression became more serious. “Got a minute?”
“Of course. Let’s take a walk.”
The morning was clear and cool as we walked up the street from the station. The sidewalk was lined with memorial stars; LAPD’s version of a Walk of Fame. Only in this case, they memorialized those who had fallen in the line of duty, including my love-dad.
Joe and I stopped as we came to his star and I mentioned it to him. He took a moment, saying the memorial was a nice gesture, before adding, “This leads to part of the reason I’m here today.”
I looked up at him. “You’re going to try and talk me out of quitting, aren’t you?”
His eyes softened as he smiled. “You’re not only one of the best cops I’ve ever known, you’re also a mind reader.”
“Joe, I appreciate what you’re doing, but…”
“Just hear me out.”
I exhaled, knowing that he deserved what he was asking for. “Okay.”
He took my arm, and we moved on up the street. After a moment, he said, “The other day I was thinking about a crime scene I was at a few years back. The victim was a young girl, stabbed to death. I was one of the first responders. I remembered taking a preliminary look at the body without gloving up. I realized when I was finished that I had her blood on my hands.” He stopped and looked at me. “You ever get blood on your hands at a crime scene?”
I nodded. “Of course.”
He took my hand. “It’s a funny thing about a victim’s blood. Even after you wash it off, it feels like it’s still there because you know it belonged to someone you want to do the right thing by.”
I met his pale eyes. Joe’s theory about blue-eyed soul came back to me. He’d once told me his eyes were pale because when you’re a cop all the evil in the world eventually catches up with you and steals a part of your soul.
I brushed a tear, not looking at him. “I know what you’re saying, but how much more do I give before…” I looked at him through a watery haze. “…before it takes the only thing I have left—my soul.”
He reached over and hugged me, releasing a breath. “I understand. All I’m saying is that you can walk away, but you can’t walk away alone. Those moments when you had the victim’s blood on your hands will always be with you.” He released me and took a step back, smiling. “I respect your decision, Kate. Just remember, whatever the circumstances, I’ll always be here for you.”
I hugged him again. “I appreciate that, more than you’ll ever know.”
It took most of the drive to the Police Administration Building in downtown Los Angeles for me to regain control of my emotions. I valued what Joe had said about victims, but I also knew there wasn’t anything left for me to give. I was empty, and if I didn’t move on I knew I would be lost forever.
After parking in the covered garage, I headed for the elevator, but then stopped. I realized there was something I needed to do before I turned in my badge.
It had taken years for the department to do the right thing by honoring my love-dad. His name had finally been included on a memorial, along with the names of more than two hundred other officers who had fallen in the line of duty.
I stopped at the gift shop, bought a single white rose, and made my way outside to the memorial. From a distance, the brass plaques for the deceased officers looked like a solid wall. But as I got closer I saw that the memorial consisted of individual engraved brass plates; the brass meant to be a tribute to the fallen officer’s badges.
After placing the rose on the memorial, I held onto my own badge, at the same time my fingers lightly brushed across my father’s name. My emotions took over as I said, “I’m sorry, Daddy, but I don’t have anything left.”
My tears came so hard that the world became a blur, everything around me looking like a picture that had been left out in the rain. I brushed my tears and drew in a breath, blinking several times as I tried to make sense of what I was now seeing. A butterfly had landed on the memorial above my father’s name. It was red and yellow, with black markings. It was so beautiful that I had a thought about trying to reach out and touch it. Then I heard a voice behind me.
“I guess it’s fitting that it ends this way.”
I turned and saw Noah’s face hovering above me. I tried to ask him what he meant, but I felt a sudden sharp pain and realized I was falling back. My world began tumbling; a slow motion descent into darkness. The nightfall billowed up around me like smoke, wretched with despair and anguish; a gathering death fog moving inexorably toward me. Here I heard the desperate, strangled scream of a child; the unearthed cellular memory of a little girl who had seen her father murdered.
My hand went down to my stomach before I brought it up to my face. Something warm was there, a syrupy thickness that was all too familiar. I’d seen it a thousand times before in a thousand different places; a stain that I knew could never be washed away. It represented life, but when unleash into the world heralded the torment and heartache of stolen memories and lives.
It was blood.
THE END
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The Hollywood Alphabet Thriller Series, with Detective Kate Sexton and her canine partner Bernie:
COMING SOON
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Hollywood Prisoner
Copyright © 2016 by MZ Kelly
Published by Kingston Roads Press, L.L.C.
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