Home by Nightfall (19 page)

She put her hand on his arm. “I wish I could take it all away. I swear I would if I could.”

“Thank you.” He sounded so tired. He leaned his head against hers. “God, Susannah, how did this happen? How did so many lives get disrupted, torn up, lost?”

A wave of anger rolled through her. “That’s what war does. Foolish men argue for power and money, and send others to die for them to achieve whatever goals they have for themselves. They sit in their distant towers, far removed from the suffering, seeking glory and wealth.”

He sat up and looked at her. “Is that what you really think?”

“Yes, I do.”

“But this war ended all wars.”

She realized that to dispute this promise, which was repeated throughout the war—and which she doubted—might push him
deeper into a well of hopelessness. After all, he’d lost so much to support the idea. If he thought it had all been for nothing, the despair could finish him.

“I sincerely hope that’s true,” she said, and it wasn’t a lie. “And you can be proud that you were part of it.”

He snaked an arm around her waist. “But I’d rather dream about you than giant tanks and mechanized monsters.” He leaned in to kiss her and she let him. She had been lonely too, and tired. His lips eagerly sought hers and teased open her own. It had been this way with them at one time, passionate, their attraction to each other like a spark on drought-dry tinder, ready to ignite with a glance, a brush of a hand on her arm or knee. She felt his hand on her ribs climb to the softness of her breast and a small, anguished sound formed in her throat. He pulled her back onto the mattress and pushed open her robe and began working urgently on her nightgown buttons, all the while probing the inside of her mouth with his tongue. When, in frustration, he gave up on the buttons and pushed the hem of her nightgown to her hips, she seemed to wake up from her own reverie of the past. She put both hands on his shoulders, pushed hard, and squirmed away from him. She jumped off the opposite side of the bed and escaped his grip.

“Stop it! We’re not doing this, Riley.”

He stood up and faced her. “You were my wife!”

“But I’m not now.”

In the low light, they stared across the bed at each other like wild animals, each breathing fast, each wary.

“I will not be unfaithful to my husband, no matter who he is. I didn’t betray you and I won’t betray Tanner.”

He drew a deep breath and nodded, pushing his hair off his forehead. The fear that had been in his eyes earlier was now replaced with a trace of frustration.

“All right, Susannah. All right. I’m sorry.”

“I’ll see you in the morning,” she replied. She crossed the room to the door and went back to her own bedroom. This time when she closed the door, she turned the lock.

She got back into her cold bed and nestled under the covers. Yes, she had allowed Riley to kiss her, and it had been a mistake. It was all a mistake. No matter how she tried, she could not muster the feelings for him she’d once had.

He wasn’t her husband anymore.

Late in the afternoon on Christmas Eve, Riley surprised everyone by bringing home a tree. He had nailed a stand on it before he brought it in.

As he dragged it into the house, even the boys, who usually kept their distance from him, were excited and jumping around. Tanner had told them not to mention what happened in the woods to anyone, not even at home. Susannah wasn’t sure what his thinking was, but she decided that he probably knew best.

“I haven’t seen a real Northwest evergreen at Christmas since I left. I thought it would be fun, since we didn’t have one.” Susannah followed him into the parlor and they moved a table out of one corner to put it up. After supper, they spent the evening stringing popcorn and cranberries, and Susannah went to the attic to bring down the decorations. She was pleased to see that Tanner stayed to help.

Shaw watched the proceedings from his rocker and threw in his two cents now and then, which no one wanted to hear.

“Can we put candles on the tree, Aunt Susannah?” Wade asked.

“Oh, no. I’ve heard about too many trees catching fire and burning down someone’s house.”

“Awww, I’d watch to make sure it didn’t happen.”

“Killjoy,” Shaw croaked under his breath.

“I’m not deaf, Shaw,” she reminded him. “If there were a fire in the house, you wouldn’t be able to get downstairs in time.” She and Riley exchanged wry glances before she turned back to the boys. “So, sorry, the answer is still no. It’s too dangerous.”

“Will Santa Claus come?” Wade asked.

“Santa Claus!” Joshua hooted. “Do you really still—”

“Josh,” Tanner cut in. “I need some help out here in the kitchen.”

“Yessirrrr,” the boy answered and got to his feet as if facing doomsday.

Susannah watched them go with a private smile and finished hanging the glass ornaments and homemade treasures she’d collected over the years. Anyone looking at the scene would assume this was a happy family gathering, she thought.

But anyone who thought that would be wrong.

• • •

Just before midnight, everyone but Tanner had straggled away to bed. Susannah was picking up the empty storage boxes from the parlor to put away until it was time to take the tree down again.

Tanner had been outside, checking the buildings one last time before he went to the bunkhouse. He walked into the parlor with one hand behind his back.

“Put down that junk for a minute and come sit.” He sat on the sofa and patted the seat beside him.

“I’m almost done.”

“Susannah—”

“Okay.” She dropped the box and stepped over to the leather sofa, apprehensive about what was coming next. She sat beside
him, suddenly longing for the evenings they had spent here. It was only a few months ago, but it felt like a lifetime.

“This has turned out to be a pretty churned-up year for us.”

“Yes, it has.” She drew a deep breath and sighed. “One I never expected.”

He took her hand. “I know I’m not the easiest man to figure out, and that’s it’s not fair of me to expect you to read my mind just because I don’t talk about my feelings much. So here’s something I want you to know.”

She looked at him, her apprehension growing. He was going to tell her something she didn’t want to hear; her mind raced; he was going to say he’d decided not—

“I felt guilty when Riley first came home. I was mad but I felt guilty too, for loving his wife. But you’re not his wife, you’re mine. And I’m sick to death of feeling guilty. I don’t owe him or the world an explanation about loving you.”

“Tanner, you don’t have to—”

He held up a hand to indicate he wasn’t finished. “When we talked in the tack room that day a couple of months ago, I told you I didn’t know how to fight a man who didn’t remember anything or anyone.”

She nodded.

“Well, he remembers enough now, and I’ve had enough of feeling ashamed of being your husband. I won’t force you to choose, but I want you to know that I won’t pull any punches either.” From behind his back, he brought out a gift-wrapped box. “I wanted to give you this in private, not in front of the others.”

“Oh,” she said, holding the package in her hands and looking at the beautiful paper and ribbon. Surprise had stolen her voice for a moment.

“Go ahead, open it.”

She pulled off the ribbon and tore the paper to discover a square velvet box. Lifting the lid, she found a beautiful heart-shaped locket etched with whorls and curlicues lying on a bed of dark-blue velvet. Carefully she opened the heart to look at the frames that were probably inside. She found just one. Across from it she saw their initials and the inscription,
Two hearts as one
.

“It’s beautiful,” she intoned. “Oh, Tanner, it’s just beautiful.”

“I thought it might be better than some household thing like a lamp.”

“But I love that lamp. It’s beautiful too.” She looked up at him and saw his own heart reflected in his eyes. “My gift for you is not nearly so nice.”

He smiled and looked down. “That’s okay. I already know you loved me—you used to tell me.”

Hearing those words, the ghosts of what had been, made her heart ache. “I have never stopped loving you.”

“Maybe. But things aren’t the way they were.”

She nodded, her throat tight. “I know. Tanner, I guess I’ve been trying to do the right thing. To let Riley get his bearings more firmly established. I’ve probably made a mistake about that. Maybe he needs to see us as we really are—man and wife.” She sighed and looked at the locket again. “I thought I was doing him a favor, giving him a chance to get reoriented.”

“You might be doing what I warned you against. Making him think that you’ll do what Shaw wants—to toss me out and remarry Riley.”

“I’m
not
going to do that!”

“You don’t have to explain that to Shaw. You need to tell his son.”

On the mantel, the clock began chiming softly, marking the change of one day into the next.

He lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed it. “I’m off to the bunkhouse.” He stood up and started to walk out of the room, then turned, his hand braced on the door frame. “Merry Christmas, Susannah.”

She swallowed hard. “Merry Christmas, Tanner.”

That night as she lay in bed, she yearned for the warmth of another beside her. The Christmas night was cold and lonely, just as it had been for the past three years. She touched her locket where it lay on her chest.

Change had to come. She knew Tanner was right—she wasn’t doing any of them a favor by giving Riley false hope. She’d been so worried about the effect any decision would have on Riley, she’d dragged her feet in this dilemma, the greatest she’d faced since leaving home. Now she knew that one night very soon, her rightful husband would be lying here with her again.

• • •

The next morning, the family gathered in the parlor around the tree again to exchange gifts. The boys got new clothes, candy, and baseballs and bats, which Tanner reminded them to use away from any windows. Susannah had a pair of new leather gloves for Tanner and a cane for Riley with a sterling silver head.

“I thought you should have something nicer than that army-issued stick.”

She received handkerchiefs, dusting powder, and a new silver-backed hairbrush and mirror from Riley. She didn’t have the heart to tell him that she rarely brushed her hair because her curls would puff up like an angry cat.

Shaw, as usual, sat in his chair and received gifts, but gave nothing. “I’m the senior member of this outfit. It’s my due, by God.”

“A true gem,” Riley said under his breath, repeating the comment he’d made the first day he’d recognized him.

Then everyone dressed and off they went in the wagon to Cole and Jessica’s place.

The house was decorated so beautifully, Susannah wondered where Jess had found the time.

Granny Mae’s dinner was a huge relief for both Jessica and Susannah—neither had had to worry about cooking. When everyone was assembled around the table, which also had been beautifully set with good china, crystal goblets, and even wine glasses, Cole stood at the head of the table with a green bottle.

“I had Virgil scour under every blueberry bush and back-alley connection he has to find this.”

“My canaries and corsets, champagne! I don’t think I’ve ever tasted it,” Granny Mae said.

He managed to open the bottle without spilling a drop and said, “This is more than a Christmas dinner for us. We have Riley back, we have good friends and family.” He paused here and looked at his wife. “And in June, we’re going to have a new Brad-dock. Jessica is expecting.”

A collective “Oh!” rose from the table and everyone laughed and clapped and congratulated the expectant parents. Cole poured a bit of wine for everyone including the boys, who each got a thimbleful.

“You didn’t even tell me!” Susannah said to Jess.

“Well, I wasn’t sure, and I wanted to wait until I was.”

“We need some new blood around here,” Shaw bellowed. Then to Cole he said, “So—you managed to get the job done after all.”

“Shaw, mind your manners!” Granny ordered, and to everyone’s surprise, he looked properly chastised. Plainly, she had more control over him than anyone else did.

“Here’s to my wife, Jessica, the love of my life,” he said with obvious emotion. “And our new baby.”

Susannah ducked her head to hide her sudden tears. She dabbed at them discreetly with her napkin. How lucky they were that their lives were finally settled. She wasn’t jealous, but oh, if only she were the one celebrating. When she looked up again, she saw Tanner watching her.

“Ick, this stuff is nasty,” Josh said.

“Yeah, I thought it would taste like lemonade,” Wade agreed.

They all laughed again, and Cole said, “This cost seventy-five dollars. That would be some pretty expensive lemonade.”

After everyone was stuffed with ham, candied yams, vegetables, rolls, and gravy, the three women stood in the kitchen, washing dishes and getting ready for dessert.

“I
thought
you looked different these last few weeks, you slyboots,” Granny Mae said, slinging a dishtowel over her shoulder.

Jess chuckled. “You mean green? Some days it was all I could do to get to a basin or a toilet fast enough.”