Hope Over Fear (Over #1) (29 page)

As Lily and Gage file out of my room, I’m forced to deal with my reality since Sara cut things off with me—a dick hard enough to cut glass and a heart that physically aches for my girl. The dreams are unrelenting; I fucking swear I’m a thirteen year old boy again.

She hasn’t talked to me in seven days. Seven. Fucking. Days. It certainly isn’t for my lack of trying. I call her. I text her. Nothing works. She won’t answer my calls or respond to my texts. I’m not even sure she’s paying attention to them. And then I started going to her house.

Unfortunately, Marlo meets me at the door every single time with a hand on her hip and nasty look that tells me I rank about as high as the gum on the bottom of her shoe right now. Marlo scares me a little, and I don’t care if that makes me a pussy. Her bullshit meter is dangerously low, and she has no problem causing physical harm. No way she’s letting me in to see Sara. Frankly, I’m lucky to leave with my balls intact. But as Marlo quickly finds out: I may be an asshole, but I’m a persistent asshole. I make several more visits to Sara’s house throughout the week, and Marlo always greets me and turns me away. But as my visits increase, Marlo’s icy stare begins to thaw. I suspect she sees what I already know—I look like shit, and I feel even worse. And I’m not giving up on my girl. If I’m slowly breaking down Marlo’s walls, I can only hope I’m doing the same to Sara.

I refuse to believe I may lose her over this. I know I can make her forgive me if she’ll just talk to me. Thinking of the look in her eyes when I saw her in my kitchen is unbearable. I did that. I’m such a fucking asshole.

The truth is that I’ve been thinking about introducing Sara to Lily and Gage for a while. I’ve been putting it off out of fear. She means so much to me, and I was so damn scared that the thought of an insta-family would be overwhelming. I kept thinking I needed more time to make her fall in love with me. I thought if our connection was stronger, there’d be less of a chance Lily and Gage would scare the shit out of her. Don’t get me wrong, Lily and Gage are my world, but they can be a handful.

I don’t know why I attacked Sara the way I did. Did it bother me that she never opened up to me and explained what happened with that guy? Absolutely. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t irk me. It bothered me because I wanted to know she trusted me the way I trusted her. I told her about Grace almost immediately, and I don’t share that shit. It’s nobody’s damn business. But the words just flowed with Sara … they always do. I want her to know every part of me. In return, I want to know her. So yeah, it fucking hurt that she didn’t share. She erected this invisible wall between us, and I don’t like secrets.

But truth be told, I don’t care about what actually happened with that guy. I wouldn’t even care if she left the fucker at the altar. None of that matters because I know her, and I know us. And the shit that happened before has nothing to do with what we are now. Except that it does … because she thinks I’m holding it against her. And that’s on me.

Maybe things went down the way they did because I felt like I’d been handled. I take serious exception to being handled. Celia has been campaigning for me to bring Sara into the fold for a while now, and I feel like she forced my hand. My temper flared, and I said hurtful things to shine a light on Celia’s bad decision. And Celia did make a bad decision. It just so happened the bad decision was letting someone watch my kids without my consent. Instead of calmly telling Celia this, my hotheaded temper tried to cut Celia and make it look as if she left my kids with a bad person. Again, total dickhead move. Sometimes my temper jumps in before my head has a chance to assess the situation.

To say the situation spiraled out of control is a huge understatement. I wanted the kids to see how wonderful Sara is without feeling threatened by her presence in my life. I wanted Sara to meet my children without feeling any obligation or pressure.

Lucky for me, Celia feels bad about the way things went down, so she’s willing to watch the kids for me this morning. Who am I kidding? Celia is always more than willing to help, regardless of the circumstance. Needless to say, Sara wasn’t the only person who I apologized to this week. Celia’s well aware of my propensity to jump to conclusions and lose my temper, so she let me off with a terse warning. I don’t know what I’d do without that girl.

I know Sara’s running the Saturday class at the clinic today, and I want to see her—no, I need to see her. I need her to know what I know. I’m gonna get my girl back if it kills me.

I show up at the clinic about twenty minutes before the class finishes and set up shop at the desk closest to the classroom. No way I’m letting Sara sneak past me. If she wants me to get lost, she’ll have to say the words. No hiding behind Marlo this time.

Unfortunately, Caroline has other plans for me this morning. She’s standing in the doorway of her office, her serious expression in direct contrast with her hippie attire and quirky glasses. She’s wearing a disappointed frown, and it’s directed right at me.

“Adam, a word please,” she quietly requests with a jerk of her head before disappearing into her office.

I stop at the door while I keep shooting glances toward the classroom. “Can we do this later, Caroline? I’m waiting to talk to Sara, and I don’t want to miss her.”

“Oh, I know exactly what you’re doing, Adam. I, however, plan on stopping you from making a bad situation even worse. Now come in, close the door, and sit down.” Her tone leaves no room for arguing, and I’m slightly shocked. Easy going Caroline must be on vacation today.

“Caroline, I’ve tried everything to fix things with Sara. She won’t talk to me, and I’ve got to make her see how sorry I am. God, the things I said to her. She must hate me right now. If she’d just talk to me—” Caroline interrupts me by lifting her hand in the air, letting me know she’s heard enough.

“Stop right there. Now don’t be mad at Celia, but she’s filled me in on the goings-on of the last week, and I’ve kept silent long enough. I’ve tried to stay out of it and let you two work it out, but you just can’t seem to get your head out of your ass.”

“Excuse me?”

“Did I stutter? Has the caveman routine you’ve been doing all week made any difference at all? Of course it hasn’t.” Caroline leans back in her chair and crosses her arms over her chest.

“I don’t know what else to do. Am I supposed to just disappear and let her move on without me?” I ask as I lean forward, feeling frustrated. “That’s not an option. I can’t just let her go.”

Caroline stands up and walks around her desk to sit in the chair beside me. She takes my hand and gives me a sympathetic smile that doesn’t reach her eyes.

“Darlin’, you have to.”

I rip my hand away from her and push off out of my seat. I stand over her with an accusing glare. “So that’s your sage advice? Give up? Let her go? Thanks a lot, Caroline.”

“No. I don’t think you should give up. But you do have to let her go, Adam. I need you to trust me on this, okay?”

“Trust you? What do you know that I don’t? You’re going to have to give me a little more to go on if you expect me to just walk away.”

Normally, I trust Caroline completely. But how can I walk away from Sara? That idea sounds like a sure-fire way to lose her. After the things I said, I can’t afford to fuck things up further. I need to remind her how good we are together. I need her to see how sorry I am.
I just need her.
No way am I going to give her time to get over me.

“Adam, I’m trying my best to help you without breaking promises I’ve made. Did you hurt her? Absolutely. You’ve got to get a handle on that temper of yours, son. But there’s more going on than you realize. Sara’s reaction to what you said isn’t entirely about you.”

“What does that even mean? I think you might be confusing the issue here. She just needs to understand how I feel about her.” I run my hands through my hair in frustration.

“Have you ever wondered why Sara never explained to you what happened in her last relationship?” Caroline asks cryptically.

“Of course I have. Maybe she didn’t trust me enough. She’s obviously shared with you, and I’ve got to be honest, that irritates the hell out of me. I’ve been nothing but open with her. Why can’t she do the same?”

“Again, Adam, this is not about you. Listen, you could probably keep at her, and she’d eventually give in and forgive you. She loves you,” Caroline says with a shrug.

I sit back down and lean into Caroline with pleading eyes. “I love her, too. I mean, I haven’t told her yet, but I do.”

“I know you do. The problem is … Sara needs to love herself as much as she loves you. And right now? She doesn’t.”

“Okay, enough with the riddles. I just want my girl back, Caroline. You said if I keep at her, she’ll probably forgive me? Well, I’m gonna do that—”

“You need to give her time to forgive herself and believe she is worthy of being happy, Adam. Those things you said the other day? You played right into her insecurities. Give her a minute to breathe. Give her a minute to think and realize she’s worth fighting for. You know that, but she doesn’t. She’s so busy trying to avoid you that she probably hasn’t had a second to think about how she really feels. You give her time, Adam, and I know she’ll come back to you. And when she does, she’ll be whole. That’s what you both deserve.”

“How can she believe she doesn’t deserved to be loved? God, Caroline, I don’t even care about what happened before with—”

“But she does. That’s what you have to remember,” Caroline explains.

I sigh heavily and rack my brain for the next right move. Could Caroline be right? Does she need time to believe in herself? To believe in us? As much as I abhor the idea of staying away, I can’t deny the fact that my tactics haven’t worked. She’s no closer to forgiving me than she was a week ago. As much as I hate to admit it, Caroline may be right. She obviously knows things I don’t.

“Okay, I’ll try to stay away. I’ll try to give her some time, but I’ve got to put a time limit on this shit … for my sanity. No chance I can stay away from her indefinitely. I’ll give her a week, and then all bets are off,” I say, hoping my compromise will appease Caroline.

“You’re doing the right thing. Now, you need to get out of here before class lets out. She doesn’t need to see you right now.”

It hurts like a motherfucker to hear that. She doesn’t need to see me. Seeing her is what I need more than anything at this point. But she’s right; if I’m going to take her advice, I need to get out of here. But I can’t be this close to Sara and not reach out to her. That’s just impossible.

“Okay, I’m going. But I need a pen and paper first.”

Caroline raises her eyebrows and shakes her head at me as she hands me the paper. “Well, I guess it’s better than staying to see her.”

I quickly jot down the note, fold the paper neatly, and write her name on the front. I give Caroline a quick hug and thank her for her guidance. I slip the note into Sara’s purse just as the classroom door is opening. I see a few students filing out as I rush to the door. If I get even a glimpse of her, I’ll lose my resolve. Starting today, she’s got a week to sort things out. I can’t give her a minute more than that. God, I hope Caroline knows what she’s talking about.