Horse Crazy (7 page)

She'll also think to have the photographer
come out on a Saturday afternoon when everyone in the county has
shown up to ride. But more importantly, she'll remember to have an
ugly word or two for anyone who can't manage to stay out of the
way. Makes you want to be sure and invite her out on your next
trail ride.

There are, of course, some very nice horse
people. These are the ones who always offer to trailer you to the
show, who'll exercise your horse for you, or let you exercise
theirs, who'll keep an eye on your horse when you're out of town,
who won't necessarily correct you unless they see you accidentally
pouring rat poison into your horse's feed, who'll encourage you
when they see your riding improving and not concentrate a whole lot
of time on the fact that you just can't seem to keep your legs
under your hips at a trot.

The fact is, this nice kind of horse people
are not all that difficult to find. And you can find just as nice
English-style horse people as you can Western-style. You just have
to look a little harder.

Perhaps now is a good time to make some
distinctions between the two main types of horse people in the
United States. You have the English-style riders who wear
form-fitting pants and boots and ride with lightweight, usually
leather, saddles with no horn to hang onto but a cantle (sort of a
rise in the saddle but nothing more). In English-style riding
competitions, the riders usually jump or perform some variations on
dressage movements. (They show off how nicely they can trot and
canter and stop and start, etc.)

The Western-style riders almost always dress
like cowboys and cowgirls. Cowboy hats, jeans, fringed jackets,
cowboy boots. Get the difference? Their saddles are bigger, more
scooped out, with tassels and silver studs and stuff. Western-style
riding competitions include the always-breathtaking barrel racing
(women seem to dominate this event), and the Western-style version
of dressage. (They likewise show off how nicely they can trot and
canter and stop and start.) Rodeo competitions are a whole
different category of Western-style riding and include
bronco-busting, calf-wrestling and other, quite legitimate ways of
getting yourself killed.

The antagonism between English-style riders
and Western-style riders is pervasive and inevitable. Chances are,
the English-style horse people started the animosity, being more
naturally snobbish. And the Western riders simply took offense.

There is the slight possibility that the
English-style riders began their snob-assault on the Westerners out
of a fear that they (the English-style riders) were the wimpier
riders (or at least were perceived to be).

However the ugliness started, it absolutely
exists. English-style riders believe it takes little to no skill to
ride Western-style. The big Western saddles with all their ornate
trappings are, they believe, as safe as armchairs and virtually
impossible to tumble out of.

The Western rider is able to come up with a
certain amount of ridicule for the protective helmets worn by many
English-style riders wear. The Western rider wears, of course, only
a cowboy hat to do some very dangerous maneuvers on horseback. And
although cowboys will occasionally fall out of their easy-chair
saddles, they'd never consider protecting their heads from anything
but the sun and the rain.

This is very much akin to the abuse
well-padded and protected American gridiron players receive from
rugby enthusiasts Down Under:

"Buncha Sheilas running about with all that
rubbish strapped to 'em! Rugby's a real man's game!" (Personally, I
always felt the machismo came to an abrupt end about where the
little short-shorts and knee socks began.)

Interestingly enough, Western and
English-style riders are occasionally forced, and thereby able, to
share a barn without coming to blows. And once in a while, they can
actually learn something from one another, having, after all,
horses--if not the love of horses--in common.

Another sub-section of horse people that
needs to be mentioned here is the one that includes horse husbands
and horse boyfriends. Horse husbands are not typically a happy lot.
They don't have any reason to be.

A horse needs a lot of time, effort and care.
This will usually require the woman going to the horse because of
the economy size proportions of her chosen hobby. And this means a
good deal of time away from the husband.

It would be hard not to get jealous. A horse
also requires a good bit of money. If one member of the marital
team is not involved with the upside of where that money is going,
it's just going to feel like dollar bills turning into so much
horse manure.

Horsewomen also tend to be more vocal in
their love for their animals than do men. This means a good bit of
oohing and ahhing when they're around their beast and talking about
horses when they're not. This tireless, obsessive conversation can
either be directed at the husband, or on the phone, endlessly, with
other horse people while the husband is merely within earshot.

Sometimes the wife will involve her children
in her hobby, further alienating the poor non-horse husband. It's
at this time, when the family is abuzz with preparations of horse
shows, getting ready for them, talking about them, being at them
and then reliving them in videos, photos and discussions that the
husband is liable to attempt to join in on the group interest.

Typically, this is an act of desperation and
therefore, not usually successful. Most horse husband conversions
happen a lot earlier on in the game. If there's a seed of interest
and a recognition that it might be good, wise, and/or even fun to
have a couple of horses and hack about the countryside together,
it's usually attempted years ago.

Some husbands do try early on and it's for
this very reason that they're so stubbornly against horses. All it
takes is for one enthusiastic husband to have one horse run off
with him to make him feel very scared and helpless. And watching
his wife canter effortlessly on the same devil he just slid down
from with shaking knees is not a good start on marital bliss or
horse relations.

This jealousy can reach extraordinary
proportions. Several people claim to have husbands who support
their interest in horses and even their horses themselves. These
husbands will still insist unhappily to their wives that they're
convinced they rank second in their wives' affections.

One man, who will boast proudly of his
daughter's ability on the show jumping circuit, will nonetheless,
accuse his wife--also a horsewoman--of loving the horse more than
she loves him.

This is a dangerous statement, and makes most
horsewomen a little nervous.

Another school of thought pervasive in and
around horsy circles--no doubt instigated and perpetuated by horse
husbands--insists that women ride because of their need and
resultant pleasure in dominating a very large, dumb (make no
mistake) animal. (Perhaps these men sense an uncomfortable parallel
and therein lies their annoyance.)

My own response to this particular theory is
simple. I believe that horse love, and the demonstration of such,
as it's found in the typical woman--snob or not, is usually derived
from a little girl's infatuation, and that is love in its purest,
sweetest form.

If you're eking out your horse hobby on a
budget, you can expect your husband and family (unless they're
involved in horses too) to resent the time the horse will take from
them. And make no mistake, the horse will take big chunks of time
from them. It's a choice you make. And when your family accuses you
of caring to spend more time with the horse more than you do them,
it's also a choice of whether or not you want to believe the truth
behind their complaints.

On the other hand, while it's true that horse
love and people marriages don't always make for happy trails, a
working arrangement can be fashioned. If you've got mountains of
money, for example, or don't have to work for a living, you might
be able to get all your horsy activities out of the way while your
husband is at work. You may then appear freshly scrubbed (even the
most tolerant of horse husbands will frown on the occasional piece
of horse manure stuck to your dainty little boots), and ready to
talk of Current (i.e. Non-Horsy) Events.

The ideal love match, of course, would be two
horse people. Although you'd probably not want to spend a whole lot
of time with them because they'd be so bloody boring.

Nonetheless, there is a continuing belief
that sharing the same obsession can be helpful in making a
relationship last. Along these lines, a single horsewoman can
expect an entirely different set of values to come into play for
her when it comes to romance:

"Can you believe it? She's dating a Vet!!"
(Said with the same envy as if you substituted the word "sheik,"
"next president," or "George Clooney" for the word "vet.")

The fact of the matter is, unless your
husband rides too, he'll never understand a major part of you.

Horses are soulmate companions to some very
intimate adventures: they are witnesses to moments of truth that
the rider would encounter nowhere else in her daily schedule, they
are involved and absolutely committed in moments when real courage
is needed, they are agreeable companions on lonely, soul-searching
walks in the woods and will probably share more incredible sunsets
with you than anyone else you'll ever know.

It's no wonder the bond between a woman and
her horse is singular and kindred.

Chapter Six

Riding: Its Ups and Downs

As it happens, there are one or two books on
the market that tell you how to ride a horse. They can be boiled
down to one word. One magic word that is the key to riding and
future equestrian happiness. If you know this word then the rest of
it will fall into place for you. Of all the books you could (and
should) read about how to ride, the thing you most need to glean
from them is how to perfect the art of balance.

All the brilliant leg positions,
trés
snazzy riding duds and renowned instructors will do nothing for you
if you can't balance yourself on the horse. It's what keeps you on.
Not vise-like grips from your knees or legs, not firmly suctioned
fingers on reins, not suede kneepads against suede knee rolls or
spray-on stick-um available in aerosol cans in any tack shop.

Balance.

Which is not to say you stop with balance.
Balance is the beginning. The price of admission. The thing you
must have before you can play the game. What comes after would make
a chess master gasp and a baseball statistician stammer.

The catch-22 of riding instruction is that
you will no doubt be taught by a horseperson and although they can
be excellent teachers, they often have less patience than Mother
Theresa.

Once, I overheard a lesson in progress where
the instructor was trying to coax her charge into relaxing by
assuring her that nothing bad was going to happen. The student, a
young woman on a rather excitable mare, clutched at her reins and
tried to take deep breaths as her teacher continued her
instruction.

"You'll be fine, Melissa. Just remember to
breathe."

"But, what if I fall off?" The perfectly
rational girl whimpered.

"Don't be stupid. You will not fall off. I'm
right here, aren't I? You're attached to a lunge line, aren't you?
You are not going to fall off."

"But, what if I lose my balance?"

With a snap of the lunge whip, the instructor
barked out:

"You'll fall off. Now let's pick up a trot,
shall we?"

Typical of most horse people, (which is where
you're bound to get your instruction, whether from books or in
person) there are several thousand ways to learn to ride.

One book will tell you it's vital you sit up
straight as if a line were attached to the top of your head like a
puppet, while another will tell you that you must lean
ever-so-slightly forward.

One school will have you grip with your knees
while another will gasp and clutch its throat at the very idea.

One school will insist that your heels be
down at all times while many insist that your toes point downward
and conform to the horse's belly when bareback or riding without
stirrups.

When you're past the age of thirty, it's
interesting how important safety becomes to the mix of riding clues
and tips. Securing that seat and perfecting that trot comes long
before dreams of jumping and cantering through the pasture, hair
flowing behind you.

In fact, the difference between being a kid
and riding and being an adult and learning to ride, is that when
you're a kid and galloping across an open field, you're thinking
purely of how wonderful the air feels, how thrillingly fast you're
going, and how much it feels like flying.

When you're an adult and galloping across the
open field, you're thinking of how wonderful the air feels, how
thrillingly fast you're going, how much it feels like flying and
that, with just one pothole, it's wheelchair city...for life.

To learn to ride, it's pretty important to
have a horse to ride, at least occasionally. But booklearning has
its place. You can read and imagine and fantasize the exercises
over and over in your head until, when you finally do them for
real, you honestly feel you've done them before.

In many ways, this can be the best way to
learn. You can't get hurt in your mind so you approach the actual
contest with more confidence. After all, you've done it so many
times in your head.

The bookstores, and most particularly the
tack shops, are full of good how-to books that are well worth
investing.

This book will only touch briefly on the
how-to's of sitting astride a horse. You can read a lot and you
should, but proper instruction and a horse to ride are the ways to
master riding.