Hot Buttered Yum (27 page)

Lucas held Roni close and fought his own
tears. Seeing her so torn up ripped him in two. He whispered softly, trying to
sooth her. He smoothed his hands from her shoulders to the base of her spine.
He pressed kisses to her forehead. Nothing helped. She cried and cried. And she
clung to him as if she would never let go.

He wondered if
she’d had the chance to cry for Zoe before.

“What did you do
the day after you found out?” he asked.

“What?” She
sniffled.

He brought his
hand to her cheek and tilted her face up. Her eyes were red and puffy, and tears
continued to flow, but they’d slowed. He kissed each of her swollen eyelids and
whispered, “What did you do the day after you went to the hospital?”

Her face
scrunched up in thought. “I had a show in San Francisco the next day. I flew out
that night.”

“You didn’t
grieve.”

Guilt crossed
her features and she shook her head in a tight motion. “I didn’t know how. And
I didn’t know I needed to.”

“Poor Roni,” he
murmured. He stroked his palms over her cheeks and then pressed his mouth tenderly
to hers. She was salty and wet, and her lips trembled beneath his. “Then it’s
time that you did. You take as long as you want. I’m here for you.”

She tucked back
against him and muttered, “And you thought the date was bad before. At least
then you didn’t need to wring your shirt out from where I cried all over it.”

He cupped the
back of her head and held her to him. “You cry on me every day if you need to,”
he whispered. He remembered all the days he’d wished he’d had someone to hold
and cry with himself. He could be that person for Roni. He wanted to be that
person for Roni.

As she’d told her
story, he’d been unable to keep from thinking of Gracie as she’d been lying in
her own hospital bed. While she’d been going through rounds
of chemo.

She’d lost her
hair. She’d lost weight. But she’d never lost her spirit.

And he knew the
biggest reason for that was because she’d had support. She’d had him, and she’d
had his parents. Maybe not a mother, but she had not been alone. Thank God.

“You did wonderfully
for Zoe.” He said the words, but he didn’t expect her to believe them. Because he knew her. She cared for people. She took nosy,
lonely neighbors under her wing when they had no one else. Of course she would
have taken Zoe in too. “You were there for her as much as you could be. You
were making arrangements to care for her. You thought she had more time.”

She shook her
head. “I should have cut back earlier. I should have been there.” She pulled
away and wiped her face, then walked to the edge of the yard. Her back was
stiff and her arms were crossed tight over her body.

“How long had
you known her?” he asked from behind.

“Six months.”

“And how many
times did you see her in those six months?”

She glanced over
her shoulder, her eyebrows bunched. “I don’t know.”

“Well, when did
you meet her?”

“In June.”

“And were you on
tour in June?”

She shook her
head.

“So how many
times in June did you go see her?”

Her eyelashes lowered
before she turned back to face the ocean. “Every day,” she murmured.

His heart swelled.
No wonder he loved this woman. “And when you were on tour, how often did you
see her?”

“Whenever I was
in town.”

“Did you call
her while you were on the road?”

“No.” She shook
her head. “She had trouble talking. I sent her postcards instead.”

Lucas took the
three steps needed to be standing behind her and put his hands on her hips. She
felt fragile beneath his fingertips, but he knew she wasn’t. “Did she like the
postcards?”

She tilted back until
her shoulders rested against his chest. “She loved them,” she murmured. “She
liked to see the places that I traveled to. When I came to see her the next
time, she’d let me know which of the places she wanted to visit when she got
out of the hospital. She’d use her markers and put a purple check mark on the
ones she wanted to go to, and a pink
X
on the ones she thought looked boring.”

He crossed his
arms in front of her and blew out a breath when she relaxed fully into him.
“You were perfect, Roni. You did everything right. She knew you loved her.”

A minute passed
as the late-night air drifted around them, rustling through the grass at their
feet while Roni seemed to be thinking through his words. Finally, she
whispered, “But I wasn’t there for her when she needed me the most.”

He closed his
eyes. He didn’t know how to make that better. And then he thought of Des. She
hadn’t even wanted to be there when Gracie had needed her. There was a huge
difference in the two women. He had to make Roni understand that she was
special. That she had no reason not to forgive herself.

“Gracie’s mother
left the morning after Gracie was diagnosed with leukemia.”

Roni froze in Lucas’s arms. She could
feel his heartbeat thumping steadily against her back. And his arms felt strong
and secure around her. Unwavering. Almost as if he was unconcerned with
anything. But did he just say …

She slowly tilted
her head up where she lay against him and looked at the underside of his jaw.
He stared out toward the sea, steady and firm. He was a rock. But he’d just
told her that his daughter had cancer, and here he stood, miles away from his child.

What was wrong
with him?

“Leukemia?” her
voice came out strangled.
She pushed out of his arms and turned on him. “Your daughter has leukemia?”

Oh,
shit
.
Roni’s chest rose and fell with a ragged breath. She was already in love with the
man, and half in love with another child that … what? Would die? She put both
hands to her mouth. She felt sick.

 “Roni.” Lucas moved toward her but she stepped
back, out of his reach. “No,” he said. He shook his head, the side-to-side
motion fast and almost frantic. “She’s not sick. Not now. She’s fine. She’s …”

Roni took
another step back, holding up her hands to ward him off even though he hadn’t
made another move in her direction. She couldn’t fathom going through it again.
“You want me to fall in love with another child who’s going to—”

“She is
not
going to die.” He bellowed out. “Not
on my watch.” His words echoed back at them. “And don’t even utter those words
to me.”

“But you said—”

“I started that all
wrong,” his words were clipped. “She’s not sick. She was diagnosed three years
ago. She
had
leukemia. She’s had
chemo. She’s fine now. Really. She’s just … well … she’s my baby,” he
said. His voice broke on the last word. “I worry about her every day. How can I
not? But she’s fine. She’s in remission. You’ve seen her. Did she look sick to
you?”

Roni jerked her
head back and forth. Her heart was still racing from the shock. “What are you even
doing here? Shouldn’t you be at home?”

“She’s
not
sick
,”
he repeated calmly. “Not now. She hasn’t been for a long time. She’s been in
remission for eighteen months. They won’t declare her cancer-free until it’s
been two years.” He reached for her again but dropped his hand when she shook
her head. “She’s fine, Roni,” he soothed. “She’s perfect. And what I was trying
to tell you before was that her own mother—the woman who was supposed to love
her unconditionally—hasn’t been there for her a day since she was diagnosed. She
left
because
Gracie was sick. But
you’re different. You were there for Zoe. Zoe knew she was loved.”

The panic
started to subside, but the damage had been done. “I need some time,” Roni whispered.

“No.” He snapped
out the word. And this time, he did take another step in her direction. She
took a step back.

Then she was falling.

“Roni!” Lucas
shouted.

Her feet couldn’t
find a hold as she hit the sloped ground beneath her. She rolled a couple times,
down the sandy ridge, until she ended up sprawled on the beach with sand inside
her panties and her dress twisted in a knot.

She lay face up,
breathing hard and staring at the stars, and felt her tears begin anew. They
didn’t pour from her this time. Instead, a thin watery drip came from the
corners of her eyes and spilled into her hair. She’d so wanted the idea of Lucas
and Gracie to be real. She’d wanted to believe in them.

But she couldn’t
go through that again.

Especially when
she was just realizing that she wanted her piano career too. In
some fashion, at least.

She’d have to
choose. Again. Be there for Gracie, or chase her career.

She lay there
crying in the sand until Lucas finally stood over her, staring down into her
face. He panted as if he’d been running.

“Are you okay?”
he asked. “Did you hurt anything?” He bent over at the waist, hands on his
knees, and stared at her.

“I’m fine,” she
mumbled. She just wanted to be left alone.

“Then let me
help you up.” He reached a hand out to her but she didn’t take it.

“Go back to the
hotel, Lucas.” Her voice came out flat. She was out of energy. “I can’t do
this.”

His jaw clenched
and then he had his hands on her arms and was dragging her up off the sand. She
pushed against him but he didn’t budge.

“Let me go,” she
muttered. She slapped at his hands as he pulled her along behind him.

“I am not
letting you go.” Then he bent one shoulder to her waist and the next thing she
knew she was hanging upside down over his back, her sand-infested rear flashing
in the night.

“Are you crazy?”
she shouted. Thankfully they were the only ones on the beach, but that didn’t
mean she would tolerate being manhandled. “Put me down.”

He rounded the
walkway leading from the beach to her property and stomped up the wooden steps,
bouncing her with every motion. “You’re not walking away from us because you’re
scared,” he announced.

“I’ll do
anything I want.” She thumped her fists against his butt, then
rolled her eyes at the ineffectual action. Damn the man and his tight ass. “You
can’t force me to go to Dallas, Lucas. And this behavior isn’t winning you any
points either.”

She continued
bouncing upside down with each of his long strides. He didn’t stop until he
reached the stairs to her back deck, and then he only brought her up and over
his shoulder. He still didn’t let her go.

“Put me down,”
she repeated. Her teeth clamped together, and she couldn’t imagine being any
more embarrassed.

He held her in
front of him, her feet a foot from the ground, both of them practically
steaming with anger.

“You’re not
walking away from this,” he said.

“I just need
some time.” It was a lie. She was walking away. She would run if she could only
get down.

“I promised Mrs.
R.”

She blinked,
forgetting her anger. “What?”

He motioned with
his head to the house across the yard. “That’s what she wanted tonight. I
promised her that I would take care of you.”

“I don’t need
taking care of.”

“Fine. I
actually promised that I would dote on you,” he ground out. “Happy? I said I’d
dote on you, and that I would be there for you. So I’m not walking away just
because you’re freaking out.”

She pulled in
several deep breaths as she tried to calm herself, and shot a venomous look at
Mrs. Rylander’s house. The woman was butting into her love life, now? Roni
needed to put a stop to her before things got worse.

“I’m fine,
Lucas. But I want to be alone.”

“Are you going
to Dallas with me or not?” he asked. “I leave Sunday morning.”

Threatening tears
burned her eyes again and she lowered her head. “Just let me down.”

Her whining
voice must have done the trick. He loosened his grip and she slid along the
length of his body. It was impossible to miss their differences as they moved
over one another. He was hard to her softness. He was tough. She
… not so much.

He wanted to
take care of her.

She actually
wanted to be taken care of. Sometimes.

But not right
now.

“I don’t know
about Dallas, Lucas,” she told him honestly when she had her feet on the ground.
“Tonight was a lot. I need to sleep on it.”

The planes of
his face never wavered in front of her, though his eyes changed from hard-edged
to tender.

“I love you,
Roni.”

Her throat
closed and the tears she’d been holding off escaped. She dropped her forehead
to his chest, but she said nothing.

He lifted her
face. “It’s real,” he told her. “I love you. Your strength
and your courage. The fact that you care about people.
And I love that you’re brave enough to take care of yourself when
you
need someone the most. But you don’t
have to anymore. I’m here for you. I always will be if you’ll let me.” His eyes
roamed over her face and then he pressed a soft, closed-mouthed kiss to her
lips. “Gracie and I will make sure you’re never alone again,” he whispered when
he pulled away. “All you have to do is love us.”

She didn’t know
what to say.

 Her heart screamed yes, but …

She shook her
head. “Go home,” she pleaded. “Let me be alone tonight.”

A muscle ticked
in his jaw, but finally he nodded. He took a step back.

“We’ll talk
tomorrow,” he said. “I’ll put out the fire and wait until you’re inside before
I go.”

The darned man
was still trying to take care of her.
Fine
.

She turned to
head up the stairs without another word. At the door, she shed her boots, her
sweater, and even dropped her panties where she stood. They were all covered in
sand. When she went inside, she left the lights out and watched through her
back door as Lucas crossed her yard and worked at the fire pit. He doused the
flames, then picked up the trash and carried it to the can beneath her deck. A
few seconds later he returned to the pit and crammed the food they hadn’t eaten
into the grocery bags they’d carried it out in.

She saw him look
at the house and then down at his hands. She slid the door open.

He crossed the
yard, his long gait eating up the distance, and was at her back door in what
seemed like seconds. Before she could tell him he could come in and go through
the house to his car, he’d handed her the bags and was gone.

Neither of them said
a word.

She slid the
door closed and dropped the bags to the floor. Then she plugged in her
Christmas tree and curled up beneath it.

There she cried
for her dad’s death. She still missed him.

She cried for her
parents’ divorce that had happened so long ago. She wasn’t sure her dad had
ever mourned the loss of his marriage, or if her mother had ever gotten over
it, so she cried for the both of them.

And then she
cried for Gracie and all that she knew Lucas and his daughter must have gone
through.

She cried
because Gracie’s mother hadn’t loved her enough to stay.

Quite a while
later, she rose and pulled the innocuous-looking wooden box from her bookcase.
She lay on her back under the tree with it, staring up at the lights, and she
thought about all the holidays she’d spent with her mom. Her mom had made them
special and filled them with love.

Then she thought
about the Christmases before her mom and dad had split up. Those were the
memories she cherished the most. A full, complete family.
They would all sing around the piano together, or her mom and dad would dance
while she played the piano. And she and Danny would always awaken early to
sneak down to the tree and see what Santa had brought them.

Never had they
made it back to their beds. Their parents always appeared, as if by magic, as
she and her brother stared wide-eyed at the gaily wrapped gifts. Then Christmas
would begin. At whatever insane hour of the morning it had been.

She’d wanted to
give Zoe at least one Christmas like that.

Roni had failed
her.

When she’d been
at the hospital on Thanksgiving Day that year, she’d noticed that Zoe had
seemed weaker than usual. She hadn’t looked healthy at all. Roni had even
briefly considered cancelling the remainder of her tour.

It was a thought
that had never entered her mind before. But she didn’t cancel shows. If her dad
had been there, it would never have even crossed her mind.

So she’d packed
her bags and headed back out. It was the last time she’d seen Zoe.

She opened the
wooden box and pulled out the postcards the hospital staff had collected from
Zoe’s room, flipping them over to look at the backs. Purple check marks graced the
top corner of most, but there was the occasional pink
X
. Roni turned one of the
X
ed
cards over to see where it was from. Milwaukee. Zoe hadn’t understood why
anyone would want to go to Milwaukee. She thought the name sounded funny.

Roni smiled at
the memory. She’d promised Zoe that no one would ever make her go to Milwaukee
if she didn’t want to.

Then Roni found
the cards with no marks on the backs. There were three of them.

They were the
postcards that Zoe had never seen.

More tears
filled Roni’s eyes as she curled on her side and pulled the cards to her chest.
She should have done better.

She
could
have done better.

But she hadn’t.