Hot Laps (35 page)

“That last week in April.”

“When did you remember you didn’t get it?”

“When I was at the doctor’s getting a blood test to see if I had an infection from
the snake.”

He nodded, his lips pressed together tightly. He was upset.

He rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. When they dropped, he spoke to the
wall. “I … wow.”

Casten’s face went blank searching for the answer he thought I was looking for but
you could tell, he came up with nothing.

He opened his mouth again, but no words came out. Instead, he just stared at me.

His lack of words had created an unbearable silence. I couldn’t take it much longer.

“Are you mad?”

“Not mad.” There was no anger in his voice and certainly no blame. “Just shocked,
I guess.”

I wanted to look away, afraid if I saw the disappointment he felt I would actually
cry over this.

My throat got tight and I closed my eyes, not wanting to think about it any longer.

My life, and his, was about to change considerably.

His breath held for a minute, then he looked up. “I need a beer.”

When I think about a guy like Casten, I think about two things. Passion for life and
love. He loves so many people and unconditionally, too.

He lives his life the way he chooses.

There’s nothing wrong with that.

The problem was I was changing that for him now whether he wanted it or not.

I never meant to screw up and change our lives. I didn’t do it on purpose. Sometimes,
we make mistakes. Big ones. And nothing can change it.

Interval – The distance between two cars.

I never wanted to be a dad. Never. Now I was going to be whether I wanted to or not.
It wasn’t that I didn’t think I would make a good one. I just never saw myself having
any kids of my own.

When Hayden came to me crying, I thought for sure she was calling it off between us.
I had no idea she would tell me she was pregnant. No idea.

“Let me get this straight, you knocked her up in your parent’s kitchen?”

“I don’t know when exactly,” I said to Tommy. “She made a fuck fort. We fucked a lot.
Now I’m fucked.”

“Forever, too,” Willie smiled.

“Yeah, blow me, asshole.”

“I once had a cat,” Tommy said. “It was too much fucking work and I left him in North
Dakota.”

We all kind of looked at him as we sat around the fire pit after Jonah’s birthday
party. Hayden had just told me she was pregnant. Now here I was with the boys, drinking,
because she left with Anna and I didn’t stop her.

Probably a douche move, huh?

I took another drink of the beer in my hand as it held the answer.

“It’s not like a fucking cat, man,” Willie said, leaning forward to retrieve another
beer from the cooler at his feet. “If it doesn’t work out, you can’t just drop it
off in the country.”

“But you can at some churches,” Willie added.

“I know, you could name the child after me,” Tommy broke into muffled laughter as
his shoulders shook.

“I’m so fucked.” Hanging my head between my shoulders I tried to think of a way around
this. There wasn’t one.”

“I’m getting a divorce,” Willie said, attempting to make light of the situation. “And
my ex-wife wants
my
house for alimony. We were married a year. Fuck her.”

“I rubbed one out with the lotion Jameson had in the hauler,” Tommy then added, watching
our reactions. “Turns out my dick looks like Chester Cheeto’s now.”

“I knocked a girl up.”

They didn’t say anything to that and instead, stared at the crackling fire. I put
my bare feet on the stone wall surrounding the fire and slouched in the wooden chair.

“We were stupid fucking kids. My God, we were dumb.”

“Okay, we get it.” Willie stood, I assumed he was going inside my parent’s house to
refill his beer. “You were an idiot.”

I hadn’t told my parents and I didn’t want to. When Hayden left, I punched the wall
in the pool house and then stuck my hand in Willie’s cooler. They knew something was
up and then made me sit here with them as I talked it out.

“You knew this would happen eventually,” Tommy said, handing me another beer.

“I bet it happened in the booth at Devil’s Bowl,” Willie added, sitting down next
to me again with six more beers in his hands and two more in his pockets.

Tommy laughed. “Or his parent’s kitchen.”

“Or the fuck fort.”

I told them way too much already. “Come on guys …” Groaning, I tossed the empty beer
aside. “Fuck, man, I’m eighteen.
Eighteen
!”

They seemed to understand my feelings on this but it wasn’t exactly helping.

“How have you guys managed to go this long without this happening?” Willie asked,
looked to Tommy and me for an answer. Willie couldn’t have children, something about
being kicked in the balls by a horse when he was a kid.

“I don’t think my swimmers work,” Tommy said.

Willie shrugged. “It’s probably all the alcohol you drink.”

Tommy gave him a cross-eyed looked and then nodded in agreement. “Probably.

“Maybe she could put it up for adoption,” Willie suggested.

I groaned, again, adjusting my hat, my voice rising as I spoke. “I could never ask
her to do that.”

“Have you told your parents?” Tommy looked over at over the top of his sunglasses.
It was nearing midnight and he was still wearing his sunglasses.

Never in my life have I ever been afraid to tell my mom anything. Until now. This
was big.

Hell, I was still living at home, surely they wouldn’t want a baby there, too.

They’re never home though. Maybe I could hide the kid?

No. They cry. They’d notice it and I wouldn’t be able to hide it from Rosa.

Fuck. Fuck. Again, fuck!

“You shouldn’t eat where you shit,” Willie yawned loudly as he spoke.

I shook my head. “Dumbass, it’s the other way around.”

“How am I the dumbass in this situation?” he mused, then shook his head. “You get
my point though.”

“Not really, Willie.” I was starting to get annoyed with both of them. “That’s confusing.”

I clenched my fist and, in turn, crumbled the beer in my hand. For good measure, I
then slammed it against the ground, anger taking over. I couldn’t believe this shit.
Every single time I’ve had sex, I’ve used protection and then Hayden comes along and
I act like a fucking child.

How could I have been so fucking stupid?

I leaned my head back against the chair and stared up at the sky watching the smoke
rise from the fire and scatter the sky.

“What if you asked her to get like a test to see if it’s even yours?” he was on the
edge of his chair beside me, as if he’d just discovered my escape route. “She’s pretty
easy, right? Maybe you’re not the father.”

“You’re a piece of shit, Tommy.” I pushed him backwards and he caught himself against
the edge of my truck.

“Hey,” he balked, holding his palms up at me. “I’m trying to help your drunk ass.
No need for name calling.”

That got me immediately. He was right. But he was very wrong, too. “I know. Sorry.
Hayden’s not like that. She was only sleeping with me.”

“You going to apologize for calling me a piece of shit?” Tommy asked.

“Nope.” I got up from my chair and started walking toward the house intending on calling
Hayden.

“Night, guys,” I smiled, or gave them an attempt at a smile. I stumbled a bit. Ten
beers will do that to you.

“I’m waiting for my apology, Casten.”

“You’ll be waiting a while.”

“That’s not very nice!” Tommy called out after me.

I couldn’t take the thought of her dealing with this alone. She didn’t need that.
Part of me thought maybe she needed some time alone. Then I thought about how confused
and worried I was. Imagine what she was going through.

I tried calling her but her cell phone went straight to voicemail so I sent her a
text.

Call me, pretty girl. We should talk.

And I left it at that.

I woke up to crunching and slurping. It meant only one thing. Rosa was eating in my
bed again.

“There’s a hot fucking mess downstairs waiting for you,” Rosa said, crossing her ankles
and reaching for the remote beside my bed, eating a bowl of cereal.

“Me?” I sat up making sure my waist was covered. Wouldn’t have been the first time
Rosa saw me naked but I wasn’t thirteen anymore.

“Yeah,” Rosa turned the television to
Dora.
“You’re going to be late if you don’t get up soon.

Shit, I’d forgotten about work. I had a rebuild I needed to get started on today.

“Who’s downstairs?” Rubbing my eyes I looked over at the clock and then back at Rosa.

“A girl in tears and wearing your shirt.”

Fuck
. It was Hayden. I bet she’s pissed still.

“You know, Rosa, some might say it’s inappropriate that you’re in my room. Not me,
but some might.”

“Only assholes would say that.”

I laughed pulling a t-shirt over my head. “Where’s Hayden.”

“She’s around the corner listening.”

Hayden peeked her head around the corner and began walking toward my bed, shaking
her head pleadingly. I kicked Rosa off my bed, she glared but went anyways giving
Hayden the once over. She was such a brat sometimes.

“Stop that, Rosa,” I warned then looked at Hayden walking toward me.

I reached for her and pulled her into my bed and under the covers with me. Wrapped
in my arms she cried for an hour. I didn’t say anything. If she needed to cry, I was
going to hold her and let her.

Eventually, she turned around and faced me. Her eyes locked with mine and in all my
eighteen years, I’d never seen so many emotions on a girl’s face before.

She was a fucking mess, but still, undeniably beautiful despite the smeared mascara
running down her face.

Then she started talking. “I’m sorry. I can’t believe I fucked this up so bad. If
you don’t want anything to do with me, I understand …”

She kept talking about messing everything up between us and I didn’t have the heart
to interrupt her.

But I also couldn’t have her thinking she was alone in this.

I ran through the possibilities in my head. None made sense so I just settled on,
“I’m not going anywhere.”

She gave me a tearful nod and nothing more was said. I think she just needed that
little bit of reassurance.