How To Avoid Death On A Daily Basis: Book Three (6 page)

It took a couple of tries before Flossie understood the situation. But once she got it, her response was immediate.

“You can fook right off. Ah ain’t fighting no one.”

“Now hold on, there,” said Dudley. “You know Colin wouldn’t choose you unless he had a plan. Right, Colin?” He looked at me with an expression that said, “Harm my girl and I will strangle you with your own shitty entrails.” I’m paraphrasing.

“Of course,” I said like there was nothing to worry about (spoiler alert: there was a lot to worry about).  I turned back to Raviva. “So, the weapon of choice will be… voices.”

Ah, you see. Nobody said it had to be a battle of physical combat. They might have been huge, lumbering sacks of rocks, but how would that help them in a sing-off?

“You want to challenge us to a singing competition?” said Raviva. “I love it! There’s nothing we trolls love more than a good sing-along. They say I was born yodelling as I came out of my mother. Haha! Prepare the arena!”

Damn. Rather than be wrong-footed by my surprise choice of weapon, they embraced it.

Large, squared-off boulders were brought in and placed together to form a stage. The trolls formed a semi-circle around it and sat down. I got the impression this wasn’t the first time they’d done this.

“Are you sure about this?” said Claire.

“Worse comes to worse, we have to go through their labyrinth, which we would have had to anyway. At least this way we have of chance of  making it out alive. Plus, Flossie has a great voice.”

“Ooh... Ah don’t like it,” said Flossie. “Ah can’t sing in front of all these people.”

“You don’t have to. Just sing to Dudley. Right, Dud?”

“Of course,” said Dudley. “I love your splendid voice. I’ll be right there with you.”

“What… what song should ah sing?”

“Doesn’t matter,” I said. “Remember, this is a world where lute music is considered cool. Any song from the last twenty years will blow their minds. Just pick something catchy. But no Celine Dion. We’re trying to avoid bloodshed.”

Still shaky and a bit pale, Flossie made her way to the side of the stage with Dudley. He left her there and sat down at the very front of the audience, not giving a damn he had a huge, hulking troll on either side of him. The rest of us felt less comfortable squeezing our way to the front and remained standing at the back.

Raviva got on the stage to a large round of applause. Trolls clapping sounded like hailstones on a glass roof.

“Okay. It’s that time again. Remember, it’s your votes that count, so give it up long and loud for the one you like. Be fair, be honest. No trolling.”

There was a smatter of laughter.

“First up, our very own Kaceeeeeyton.!”

Raviva jumped off the stage as Kaceyton got on to wild applause and cheers. Home crowd advantage, big time.

The crowd quieted and Kaceyton began singing in a deep, gravelly voice DMX would have been proud of.

You wanna crawl in my cave

I take you on

You can scuffle in my tunnel

And I’ll send you home

Was it me or were these lyrics somewhat suggestive?

You wanna stick it in my face

I’ll break it off

One left, one right

I bust you in half

‘Cause my fists so fast they go

The trolls responded: BADA BOOM BOOM

And my hips so fast they go

Again the trolls joined in: ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM

When shit is getting heavy

Like it weighs a ton

I will split you open

Just for fun

Cast you out

Like a class A magician

Hammer your hopes

On my anvil of submission

And when you get tired and want a rest

I will pull out your spine

AND FUCK YOU IN THE NECK

The crowd joining in on the last line devolved into roars of approval. I thought there was going to be a cave in.

Oooookay, then. Kind of aggressive lyrics for a singing competition, but for all I knew that passed for a love ballad around here.

Once the riot had quelled to a minor commotion, Flossie meekly took to the stage. She looked tiny and alone. In short, petrified.

Dudley started clapping. “You can do it!”

We joined in, shouting words of encouragement.

Flossie’s first words were lost in a cough. She cleared her throat and started again. Her voice was very quiet and a bit wobbly. And not in English.

Najin tasaro inga jogin yoja

She was singing in Korean. Did I know Korean? No. I couldn’t really tell one Far Eastern language from another, but in this case I recognised the song. I’d told her to sing something catchy, and there are few songs catchier than the one she’d chosen. I thought she might go with something by Beyoncé or Rhianna, but no, she had decided to sing ‘Gangnam Style’.

Gradually her voice steadied, and after a few lines in, she was belting it out.

To her credit, she knew all the words, in the original Korean. At least, that’s what it sounded like—I guess she could have been making it up as she went, but it didn’t matter. She had the dance moves down pat. The horse riding, the side-step shimmy, she did all of it, her eyes locked onto Dudley the entire time.

By the time she got to:

Hey, sexy lady

Op, op, op, op

she was in full swing. The original featured a short, plump Korean, this version with a short, plump Brummie wasn’t so different. In fact it was quite a performance. She was completely lost in the song and drenched in sweat as she bounced around the small stage.

Oppa Gangnam Style.

She stopped, out of breath and looking a bit dazed. Dudley sprang to his feet and started clapping.

“Marvellous, marvellous, bravo!”

We all joined in of course, but the real surprise was when the trolls also got to their feet and began cheering and clapping. Clearly they had never seen anything like it. No one had. The question, though, was had we won? The response was definitely bigger than Kaceyton’s.

Raviva got on stage and motioned for everyone to quiet down.

“Well, that was certainly an amazing performance. So unique. So different. The victory clearly goes to... the humans.”

Flossie had done it. We were free. Free! Could it really be so easy? No.

“Now for round two.”

“Wait,” I called out. “We never agreed to more than one round.”

“Best of three, of course. What kind of contest would it be otherwise?”

He had a point. But could Flossie pull it off again?

“This time, the human will go first. Take it away.”

Flossie looked even more nervous than the first time. She stood there, staring down at Dudley. The crowd started to get restless.

“I’ll have to hurry you,” said Raviva.

Flossie looked towards the back of the room where we were all stood. “Ah can’t think of anything. What should ah sing?”

“Doesn’t matter,” I shouted back. “First thing that pops into your head. We’re already in the lead.” Her unconventional choice had worked first time, why not again?

She nodded at me, screwed up her eyes like she was thinking hard, and then opened her mouth. Her voice this time was very high and sharp, but clear as a choirboy’s.

I love bad bitches, that's my fuckin problem

And yeah I like to fuck, I got a fuckin problem

I love bad bitches, that's my fuckin problem

And yeah I like to fuck I got a fuckin problem

If finding somebody real is your fuckin problem

Bring your girls to the crib maybe we can solve iiiiiiiiit

I didn’t recognise the lyrics, but there was a strange hypnotic rhythm to them.

I love bad bitches, that's my fuckin problem

And yeah I like to fuck, I got a fuckin problem

As she repeated the song, the trolls joined in. A few at first, then the whole lot of them, including Raviva. They weren’t complicated lyrics, just the same few lines over and over, but the crowd sang along like they were the most meaningful words ever spoken.

I don’t know how many verses she went through, but eventually her voice started to crack and she stopped.

The trolls went crazy. They cheered and roared and clapped and stomped. Bits of the roof fell around us. Flossie jumped off the stage and ran into Dudley’s arms, mostly to avoid falling debris.

Kaceyton took to the stage as the noise subsided and in a shaky voice said, “That, that was so beautiful… I can’t… I just can’t…” and then ran off the stage.

“It seems we have a winner,” said Raviva. “Victory to the humans!”

There was a round of applause. Fortunately, a little more restrained than the last time.

“And as promised you will be rewarded. With death!”

I was stunned. He’d lied. I’d got so caught up in the contest I hadn’t even considered that as a possibility.

“I’m just trolling!” Raviva laughed. “You are free to go. Congratulations!”

My legs turned to  jelly. I sank down to the ground and put my face in my hands. Fucking trolls.

Raviva offered to guide us out of the caves. Which was great, seeing as how we had no idea of the real layout of the place, but it was hard not to be suspicious of his motives. With trolls, you could never tell what was for real and what was the next
hilarious
prank. When Jespert had warned us about trolls having terrible sense of humour, he hadn’t been kidding.

We set off with Raviva at the front and a couple of trolls bringing up the rear. Kaceyton also accompanied us, chatting with Flossie about favourite songs and swapping dance moves. They had become quite good friends, which could prove to be useful later. Or it could be our downfall. Paranoid? You betcha. Not until we were back in the outside world did I intend to let my guard down.

“It’s been some time since we had such an intense match,” said Raviva as he led us through a maze of tunnels. “Shame we couldn’t keep going,” he leaned towards me, which made me flinch, and whispered loud enough to give my hair a new parting, “but Kaceyton’s always been an emotional girl.”

Kaceyton was female. You’d be hard pressed to tell her apart from the males (assuming the others were male), but I didn’t say that out loud. I doubted troll women were any less sensitive than human ones when it came to being told they looked like men.

“It’s so hard finding decent competitors these days,” mused Raviva. “That’s why I was so pleased you were sent to us. Fresh meat is the best meat!”

Did he meant the figuratively or literally? Probably both.

“Are you saying the zombers sent us into the tunnels knowing this would happen?” I asked him.

“Who? Oh, you mean the zombies.” Trolls weren’t too bothered about political correctness, it seemed. “Of course. Normally they send two of their own, but you were sent in their stead. To be honest with you, they rarely pose much of a challenge. Oh they try their best, I mean they have to or everyone they know and love will be killed, but they aren’t the most athletic of people.”

Yes, I thought, everyone they know and love would be killed
by you
.

“So by sending us, they saved themselves?”

“Such is our agreement. We allow them to live in the crypt above as long as they provide us with contestants on a regular basis.”

After a nerve racking half-an-hour of wondering if he was leading us into another trap, we finally came to a large cave with an exit to the outside world. We were all very relieved to feel fresh air on our faces. Raviva remained in the mouth of the cave and waved us off.

“Come back when you fancy a real challenge!” he called after us.
 

Yeah. No chance.

Kaceyton led the trolls in a heartfelt rendition of  ‘
I love bad bitches…
’ as we walked out into the bright sunshine. There were no more horrible surprises. The trolls turned out to be gracious in defeat, although I’m not sure that made up for them being homicidal maniacs.

There was a large meadow ahead of us and a forest beyond that. I knelt down and put my ear to the ground. I could hear the distant thrum of the lizardmen still on the move.

Raviva had pointed us in the direction of Dargot with assurances we wouldn’t encounter any lizardmen on the way, but I wanted to make sure. After every hour of walking I put my ear to the ground again to make sure the sound was getting further away, not nearer. It wouldn’t have surprised me if he sent us directly into the midst of the lizard army just for the lulz.

We proceeded carefully, everyone on full alert. It wasn’t until we hit the main road and found it completely deserted that I was able to relax a little.

“I can’t believe Jespert  betrayed us,” said Claire.

I could. Sacrificing us to protect his own people made total sense. Although, agreeing to the arrangement in the first place was pretty cold. Knowingly sending two of your people to their deaths can’t have been easy. Mind you, if I had to make that kind of choice I already had a couple of names on my list.

“I thought he was so nice and helpful, but he was just using us,” said Claire.

“He was never nice or helpful,” I said. “You just saw him the way you wanted.” I didn’t mean it as a criticism of her, just a statement of fact.

“If you knew he was deceiving us, why didn’t you say something?” Claire asked in a needlessly aggressive tone.

“I didn’t know. I’m saying it didn’t matter if he was nice or not. He made us an offer and we took him up on it because why would he lie? And now we know why. His personality had nothing to do with it.”

“It was still a shitty thing to do.”

True, but it was also very useful, for me at least. Next time I got into it with Claire, I could say, “Remember what happened with Jespert?” and argument over. Nice to have in my back pocket.

Mandy, who had been watching me like a hawk ever since we had won our freedom, walked up next to me and said, “Do you have some kind of special device that allows you to heal?” She’d obviously been giving it some thought.

“Something like that.” There didn’t seem any point trying to deny it, but I didn’t want to reveal any more than I had to and tried to cut the conversation short.

“Let me see it.”

“No.”

“How does it work?”

“Let it go, Mandy.”

“Then show me.”
 

“No.” And so on. She also tried getting answers from the others but they simply shrugged and stammered incoherently. Sometimes it pays to be a social misfit (not very often, though).

Eventually she stopped asking, but from the look on her face I could tell she had no intention of letting it go. It was my own fault for making it so obvious. I would have to be more careful in future if I didn’t want people finding out.

The road to Dargot was long and straight, with nothing on the horizon. We had been in this position before and it was just a matter of keeping going until we got there. Our only real problem would be food and water. We had some supplies left, but water in particular would run out soon.

This was solved a few hours into our journey. A sign by the side of the road pointed into the forest. On the sign it said ‘WATER’ in the squiggly script that almost felt like normal words now.

On the one hand it could be a trap, on the other hand it could be a service to travellers. On the third hand (fantasy world, bound to be some creature with more than two hands) we were thirsty.

We followed the sign and were rewarded by a large pool of water. It tasted clean and fresh, possibly a spring. Everyone felt better after a drink and a wash. There was some childish splashing about and more noise than was sensible, but it was nice to act carefree for once, even if it was only for a few minutes.

It was quite late in the day so it made sense to make camp, but I insisted we move away from the water, deeper into the forest. There was some grumbling at this as there seemed no reason not to set up camp where we were, but if this was a regular watering spot then more people might come along, and I didn’t want any more weird encounters. Better to be a little more circumspect and let others go about their business.

Once we’d sorted out the tents and started a fire, Maurice decided to do some fishing. I had a word with him about not being too obvious when using magic—Mandy would have had a conniption if she saw him standing in glowing water with fish jumping into his arms.

He waded out into the middle of the water and stood there with spear raised over his head. His balance, his posture, his general air of confidence were all completely different to the awkward geek I’d met on the first day here.

No, I’m still not gay.

Do fish live in spring water? The answer turned out to be yes. Using the spearing technique Pitt had taught us, and some subtle fish-whispering, he managed to snag half-a-dozen fish.

Gutting and cleaning the fish was handled quickly and with little fuss. This part of our new life, where we were able employ basic survival techniques that would have been completely unimaginable back home, was very satisfying.

The mood improved even more after eating, which made me nervous. When things start going well it can only mean disaster is just around the corner. A fairly miserable way to look at life, I agree, but then you don’t have my life. Nature was great when it wasn’t trying to murder you.

Mandy still had her eyes on me, which was annoying, but there wasn’t much I could do about it. Once we got to Dargot, I’d be glad to see the back of her.

Even I managed to relax a little as I sat by the fire with no immediate threat of death looming over us. And then I tensed up again at the sound of horses.

There was some neighing, some snorting, a couple of voices. Sending a couple of people to investigate would have been the smart thing to do. Obviously, that wasn’t what we did. We all sneaked through the undergrowth towards the water, about as inconspicuously as a herd of bison across the Serengeti.
Oh, but bison don’t live in Africa
. Exactly.

Fortunately, there were only two men watering their horses and they weren’t being particularly observant of their surroundings. From their uniforms they appeared to be soldiers, although the livery was different from the one worn by the guards in Fengarad.

“Do you think they’re from Dargot?” Maurice whispered beside me.

“Could be,” I said. “I think they’re just passing through. Let’s just ignore them.”

Mandy squeezed in between us. “What? Why?”

“Keep your voice down.” I tried to speak calmly and keep my voice neutral, but it was hard to not sound irritated. Because she was fucking irritating.

“Why can’t we go talk to them? They’re people, not monsters.”

“I know. That’s the problem. We don’t know what kind of people they are, and since we don’t really need anything right now, why tempt fate? No biggie.”

“Yes biggie,” said Mandy. “They might be able to give us information, maybe help us get to Dargot quicker. Even if they start trouble, there’s seven of us and two of them.”

Nothing she said was wrong, but that didn’t mean it was a good idea. Unnecessary risk is unnecessary.

“I’m going to go talk to them.” Mandy started to stand up.

I grabbed her arm and pulled her back down. “Wait.”

She glared at me. “What happened to, ‘
I don’t tell people what to do, they can make their own choices
’?

Damn it, she had me there.

“You can. Talk to them all you want, just don’t tell them about us or give away any more information than you have to.”

“Thanks for the advice. I think I can handle a couple of boys.” She smiled sarcastically at me and got to her feet.

We all remained hidden as she walked out. “Hello? Hi there.”

The two men turned around, startled, then relaxed when they saw it was only a girl. She strolled over and within a few seconds the three of them were chatting away like old friends.

Part of me hoped she’d get on the back of one their  horses and they’d all fuck off together, but her stuff was back at the camp and my luck wasn’t that good.

To be honest, she was right. The likelihood of these guys posing a threat to us was minimal. Even if they were great swordsmen, we could keep them at bay with arrows and it was hard to think of a reason for them to attack us in the first place.

My thoughts were interrupted by a scream. I looked up to see one of the soldiers pull his sword out of Mandy’s stomach, with an accompanying gush of blood. Mandy slumped to the ground and both men jumped on their horses and hightailed it out of there.

It happened so quickly it didn’t register at first. I looked across at Maurice who was looking at me with a puzzled expression. I turned to the others, all of whom were bouncing around looks of bafflement.