How To Avoid Death On A Daily Basis: Book Three (23 page)

Maurice was trying to squeeze out of my grip, not too keen on being the focus of racial tensions. I held on tight.

“Because that’s what Gullen ordered you to do.”

Her eyes widened. “You… you’re him!” She pointed at the others. “You’re them!” Not the most articulate when she was being accused of hate crimes, but it was clear she knew who we were (‘him’ and ‘them’).

“I just want you to understand this has all been arranged by the Lord Administrator. He’s been using you to test us, see if we’re worthy of his patronage. If you kill us, you’re just doing his dirty work for him.”

Dana, the reformed South African, stood up. “Other people’s dirty work is what we do here.”

Slight miscalculation on my part. I had just accused her of doing her job.

She looked at Maurice. “I want you to know, I won’t be killing you because you’re black, I’ll be killing you because you’re with him.” She pointed a beautifully manicured three-inch fingernail at me.

The men beside her drew large wooden clubs with elegant carvings down the side. You could really see the workmanship. At least the didn’t have swords, I thought to myself. Then they also drew swords. Dual-wielders. Nice.

I let go of Maurice and both my hands burst into flame. I was a dual-wielder myself.

The two men took a step back.

“You use magic!” said Dana, impressed. Not that I could do much damage. Usually.

“Yes. And judging by your hair, you use a lot of product. Is it flammable?”

Her face went from impressed to panicked. “You wouldn’t!”

“I fucking would. And a lot more besides. Now tell me, where’s the way out.”

“What are you talking about? It’s behind you.”

“I mean the secret way out you use. Come on, you’re the head of bunch of killers for hire, you must have an escape route if things go pear-shaped.”

“Just because you can set fire to things doesn’t mean you’ll leave here alive. My instructions are to capture you, nothing more. Put out those flames and let’s talk about this. I’m sure we can come to an understanding. You, me and the Lord Administrator.”

I almost fell for it. If she was going to turn us over to Gullen anyway, why fight it? But then I caught the look she gave her guards. It didn’t feel she was giving a restraining order. And would Gullen even bother with half-measures like that?

“Did you ever see Raiders of the Lost Ark?” I asked her.

The question caught her a bit off guard. “What?”

“The movie, Raiders, did you see it?”

“No, I can’t say that I did.”

“Good. When I say Marion, I want you to do like in the scene where they open the Ark.” This last bit was said to the people behind me. Whether they’d understand, I had no idea.

I slapped my burning palms together and the flames went out. When I pulled my palms apart, a ball of light floated between them. I gave it a nudge and it floated towards Dana.

“It’s beautiful,” said Dana, mesmerised by the streaks of colour playing across its surface.

“Marion!” I snapped my fingers. The ball popped, releasing a brilliant flash of white light—one of the tricks I’d developed while messing around in my room. Solitude has its advantages.

I opened my eyes. Dana and her men were staggering around, blind. I turned around. My party all had their eyes tightly shut.

“You can open your eyes.”

They did as instructed, blinking and stretching their eyes, but otherwise fine.

“Guards!” screamed Dana.

Shit. I’d forgotten about the guards outside. I drew my sword and prepared to fight, but Maurice and Dudley were ahead of me. They stood either side of the door, each holding the end of a piece of rope. As the guards came running in, they lifted the roped and tripped them. They jumped on the guards and began hitting them with saps very similar to mine.

I hadn’t told them to do any of that, and I hadn’t shown them how to make a sap.

“Colin!”

I looked over to where Jenny and Claire had Dana pinned to the ground.

“Them!” Jenny was pointing at the two remaining guards, who were blindly flailing about with their weapons.

I took care of them with my sap, although it took some ducking and weaving and a number of hits before they dropped.

Breathing hard, I looked around to see where Flossie had got to. She was in the outer office, chasing the secretary around her desk. Everyone had come out of it unscathed, but we still had to find a way out. Reinforcements could arrive at any moment.

“Where’s the escape hatch?” I asked Dana.

Her face was shoved into a large cushion. We probably needed to find a less comfortable torture device if we wanted to make her talk.

“Go to Hell!” she mumbled.

Jenny grabbed her hair and yanked. It came off, revealing clumpy blonde tresses under a hair net.

She had been properly afraid when I threatened to set her hair on fire, but for a wig? “Why was she so worried about me burning her hair if it wasn’t even hers?”

“It is mine! I paid for it!” Dana squealed as she tried to wriggle out from under the two girls.

“Just tell us how to get out of here,” I said, my head lowered so it was nearer hers. “Or I’ll set fire to your real hair.” I produced a single flame from the end of my finger.

There was the sound of stone scraping against stone and a large section of the wall slid aside.

“How wonderful. Real magic. I’m amazed.” Gullen stood there with Biadet by his side. He slapped his gloved hands together. “I knew there was something about you.” He wagged finger at me. “Special boy.”

He walked in like he’d been invited to a garden party and was looking for the cucumber sandwiches.

I stood up. Sitting in the secret passage were two giant dogs, like Dobermans but heavier, and about the same height as Biadet. They made no noise, I couldn’t even hear them breathing. They looked a bit bored. Then one yawned and  I nearly crapped myself. Its teeth were solid metal.

“I must thank you, by the way. You were right about the trolls—whole army’s riddled with them. Took us forever finding them all.” Gullen looked down at his feet. “Oh, hello, Dana. I told you he was a tricky one, didn’t I? Is that a new haircut?”

“Mmf mff,” said Dana through a mouthful of pillow.

“Very nice. Suits you.” He turned  back to me. “So, shall we go?”

“Go where?” I asked, not really wanting to know the answer.

“Oh, I have plans for you, my boy. Such plans. For all of you.”

The others looked around nervously.

“Initially, I had thought this was a one-man operation, but now I see you really are a team. A very hard to figure out, unusually unstable team, but somehow you make it work. That’s why you will make the ideal envoys to send over the border to convince our enemies to negotiate a peace.”

“Over the border to…?”

“Monsterland.”

“Ah. And as envoys, we will be protected under some truce or…?”

“No, no. No protection. But I’m sure you’ll manage to stay alive long enough to get to the Archfiend’s castle.”

“Archfiend?”

“Yes. Terribly fearsome fellow, by all accounts. Not that we have many. He always sends back our envoys in pieces. But you, I have a good feeling about your chances.” He wagged his finger at me again.

The best thing to do would be to take the deal and then make a run for it. He’d come after us, but it had to be better than the alternative.

“Of course, I’ll need to secure your loyalty by keeping one of you behind. Now, let’s see… What about the girl in the back?”

We all turned around. Flossie had the secretary cornered by the filing cabinet. The secretary seemed to be whimpering. Or possibly giggling.

“She’d probably be safer here,” I said to Dudley. The way his whole body shook, I don’t think he agreed. I turned back to Gullen. “How about this… You let us keep Flossie, and we promise to go on this mission for you. Word of honour.”

“Mm. Tempting, but I don’t think so. How about I keep Flossie, and you give me your word, and if you don’t come back, I’ll hang her?”

I could feel waves of deadly intent rolling off Dudley. Normally, this would be a good thing, but in this case I was pretty sure it wouldn’t turn out well. Biadet had taken up position next to him and was staring like she’d found a fly in a web. And she was the spider.

“Interesting,” I said. “If I could suggest a small amendment, you give us Flossie, I stay here, and you send the others to Monsterland.” I turned to the others and gave them a thumbs up. They didn’t look very impressed by my great sacrifice.

Gullen smiled with his lips, but nothing else.

“I’m afraid that won’t do. You are the lynchpin of this party and you will go as our representative to meet with the Archfiend. And please don’t suggest we keep all of them and let you go on your own.” Damn, my next ploy foiled. “Without them to act as your conscience, I’m not sure you would ever come back, whoever I threaten to kill.”

There was a murmur of agreement from behind me.

Where was the trust? Claire was right, I had started rubbing off on them.

“One of them will stay here. Who would you suggest?”

Why did they have to call it Monsterland? The name was just so off-putting. But there seemed no way to avoid it. We were going to the land of monsters. As soon as I chose someone to leave behind.