How to Fall in Love (28 page)

‘As long as it’s not his uncle’s family involved,’ I added.

‘Well, of course,’ she agreed. ‘It won’t go to Nigel, will it?’ she asked, worried.

‘That’s the last thing Adam wants. And I don’t think you have anything to worry about with Lavinia.’

‘Are you sure Adam is happy with this?’ she asked again, confused.

I stalled. ‘Do you mind me asking, why are you unsure about this? I thought it was obvious Adam didn’t want the job.’

‘Oh, I sensed that, of course, but I thought it would be different when Mr Basil died. I thought he’d see it differently. It’s hard to do your job when Mr Basil’s breathing down your neck; he barely gives you a second to think and then he barks at you for not thinking. I thought that Adam would want to make it his own.’ She shrugged. ‘I thought his problem was with his father, not with the company. And he’s proved he’s good at it, the short time he’s been there. He had some good ideas – and believe me, we could do with some fresh blood in there. It would be such a shame for him not to take the position. But, as you say, if this is what he wants
…’ She looked at me as though she didn’t believe me.

This confused me all over again.

My phone rang.

It was Maureen. ‘He’s awake.’

I didn’t need to tell Pat to put the foot down, he was already driving over 100 mph on roads I would barely do sixty on. When I reached the house, I expected to find Adam outside or downstairs but instead I found him still in his bedroom, trying to talk a flushed-faced Maureen into letting him out.

‘Slide the keys under the door, Maureen,’ Adam said, the impatience in his voice clear.

‘Uh. I’m not sure they fit,’ she said nervously, then held her head in her hands in silent turmoil. She heard me on the staircase and looked up at me in relief. ‘He had a shower and he was hungry so I brought him lunch and locked the door,’ she whispered frantically. ‘He kept saying he wanted to go for a walk.’

‘Why didn’t you let him?’

‘You said not to let him out of my sight!’

‘You could have followed him.’

She clamped her hands across her open mouth, not having thought of that. I felt my mouth twitch.

‘He’s very angry,’ Maureen whispered.

‘That’s okay. He’ll take it out on me.’ I raised my voice. ‘It’s all right, Adam, I’m here, I’ll help.’

I put the key in the lock and rattled it around as though I was having a difficult time. Adam kept pushing the handle up and down impatiently.

‘Adam, stop! I’m trying to
…’ Finally the key clicked in place and the door flew open. I was so surprised by the sudden force that I didn’t have time to move. Adam came bounding out, like a bull released, and my shoulder was the target as he bumped past, but he was too angry to stop and apologise and Maureen caught me as I flew back a few feet.

‘Oh dear, my dear, are you okay?’

I didn’t feel the burning until afterwards as I was more concerned about Adam running down the stairs, steam coming from his ears. I took off in pursuit.

‘I want to be alone,’ he said, power-walking out of the house and taking a left that led to a pathway along the lake.

His legs were so much longer than mine and I had to jog to keep up. A few quick steps, then a jog to catch up, a few quick steps and then another jog. Between a slight panic that he’d gone off the rails and the fact I was jogging I was a little out of breath already.

‘You know I can’t do that,’ I said, running a bit, then walking, then running again to catch up.

‘Not now, okay?’

I kept up with him, didn’t want to say anything to annoy him. I remained at his side, silent but present. Not that he wouldn’t be able to do anything just because I was there. He was strong, as the throbbing in my shoulder proved. Still, I persevered, I couldn’t give up on him, I couldn’t leave him alone, I couldn’t—

‘CHRISTINE!’ he yelled in my face. ‘GO AWAY.’

He’d stopped suddenly and it had taken me by surprise. He shouted so loudly it echoed around the lake, reverberated in my head, hurt my ears, made my heart bang in my chest. The flash of anger in his eyes, the single vein that throbbed in his forehead and the veins that protruded from his neck, his hands in fists, unintentionally threatening, made me catch my breath and hold it. I felt like a child who had been shouted at by an adult, that surprised, vulnerable, embarrassed feeling. And I felt alone, suddenly so very alone. He turned away from me and charged off and I collapsed, crouched over, hands flying to my knees as I gasped for breath, as I started to cry and for once didn’t try to stop it.

I let him go.

20

How to Stand Up and Be Counted

I felt an odd sort of calm as I sat in the boathouse and looked out to Lough Derg. The edges of the lake had frozen over and ducks flew down, pecked at it and instantly soared to the sky as though it was too cold even for them, their hunger wasn’t worth it. I sniffed again as my nose dripped, giving up on wiping it as it was completely numb, my eyes red and sore. I was sure my tears would have frozen had they not been flowing so swiftly. I didn’t bother to wipe them, occasionally they would roll to my lip and I’d lick them, tasting the salt. It was an odd sort of feeling, waiting, feeling helpless to stop an act I had felt solely responsible for in waking and sleeping hours, and yet when it came to it I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop. Not physically. My words were all I had, my thinking was all I had, but this time he didn’t want to listen.

I heard footsteps behind me and my heart pounded. It was them, coming to tell me they’d found him. Possibly to arrest me – could they do that? Hadn’t my failure aided and abetted him? I stared straight ahead, the lake dark and still, but cold, my breathing ragged in the silence. There was a break in the clouds and I looked up at the light and I had a sudden optimistic thought. The footsteps were slow, there was nothing panicked about them, nothing even threatening. They stopped behind me and then continued around the boathouse until Adam appeared beside me.

He sat down next to me. I held up a hand to stop him from coming any closer. I bit my lip to ward off a fresh bout of crying and, sensing I’d be unsuccessful, I turned my face away from him.

Adam cleared his throat but was quiet for a while longer. It was the right thing to do; sitting together, being in each other’s company, was itself warming the chilly air between us.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, and even after he’d taken so long to say it, it still felt sudden.

I didn’t reply. I knew that I should but I didn’t forgive him.

‘Where did you go?’

‘To let off some steam. Scared off a couple of hares and made a deer shit itself.’

I couldn’t help it. A small giggle escaped.

‘That’s better,’ he said, gentler. ‘I hate seeing you cry.’ He reached out and wiped a stray tear from my cheek. I closed my eyes and another one fell.

‘Hey,’ he said, sliding across the bench and putting his arm around me.

I decided not to speak, unable to control the lump in my throat. Instead I rested my head on his shoulder. He kissed the top of my head.

‘I’m never myself when I’m here,’ he said. ‘I turn into this messy, angry
… well you know.’

He left a silence. I didn’t fill it. I was going to listen, not help him out.

‘And you promised me you wouldn’t tell anyone. That made me angry.’

‘Tell anyone what?’ I looked up at him.

‘About you know, last Sunday.’

‘I didn’t tell anyone.’

He looked at me. ‘Christine, don’t lie, please don’t lie. Not you. The rest of the world can lie to me, but not you.’

‘I’m not,’ I moved away from him. ‘I wouldn’t lie to you.’ And as if to prove it, I said immediately, ‘I told Maureen to tell Maria not to come to the funeral, I thought it would be best if she didn’t see you like this.’

He tried to read my face. ‘But that’s not what I’m talking about.’

‘I know. But it’s the only thing I haven’t told you. Plus the thing I’m about to tell you. But apart from those things I’ve kept my word. I would never tell anyone about how we met.’

‘What are you about to tell me?’ he frowned.

‘I’ll tell you after.’

‘Tell me now.’

‘Adam, who do you think I told?’

‘Maureen,’ he said, getting tense.

‘I didn’t tell her.’

‘She locked me in the room.’

I winced. ‘She panicked. I told her to keep an eye on you. That you were having personal problems, that—’

‘Jesus Christine,’ he didn’t shout as loud as last time, I didn’t think I’d ever hear that volume from anyone ever again, but the venom was there.

‘That’s not telling her, Adam.’

‘It’s telling her that there’s something wrong.’

It was my turn to explode. ‘Do you think there’s a person who knows you who
doesn’t
realise there’s something wrong? Seriously, Adam, think about it. Do you honestly suppose nobody notices? That nobody cares? I had to go out and I was afraid to leave you. Maureen said she’d keep an eye on you. I didn’t think she’d lock you up!’

Saying it sounded funny and even though I was angry, I smiled.

‘It’s not funny,’ he said, surprised.

‘I know it’s not,’ I agreed, the corners of my lips still twitching. ‘Well, it is, a little.’ Then my smile got bigger and wouldn’t go away.

‘I’m glad you think so,’ he muttered, and looked away.

I waited for my nervous giggle to disappear.

‘What’s the thing you were going to tell me?’

‘I went to see Mary today.’

‘Mary Keegan?’

I nodded. ‘I had a proposal for her. From you. Everyone’s in agreement she’s your dad’s right-hand man, yes?’

He agreed.

‘I wondered if it would work if you were chairman of the board, still in full control of the company – which meets the wishes of your grandfather legally – but Mary stepped in as managing director. That way she could run it while you maintain control by signing off on whatever it is that needs to be signed off. Then you could talk to your boss about getting your job back at the coast guard. You can be on boards and have other jobs at the same time, can’t you? I’m sure he’d be understanding.’

‘So I’d be on the board of Basil’s and keep my job.’

‘Like Batman.’

He thought about it.

‘Hey, don’t go overboard with happiness.’ I studied him, intrigued. I had solved his problems and yet there was still the battle there. He was wrestling with some inner turmoil. ‘You agree it solves the problem?’

‘Yeah, absolutely, thank you,’ he said, distracted.

Usually, the more you keep pushing in the same direction and to no avail, the more it proves you’re doing the wrong thing. I started to think perhaps I was pushing in the wrong direction. I’d spent a week trying to think how Adam could get away from the job he said he loathed but the solution still didn’t fit.

‘Let’s play a game,’ I butted into his thoughts.

‘You and your games,’ he groaned.

‘What do you do when you’re on your own and no one’s looking? And don’t be disgusting,’ I said quickly, sensing by his look where he was going.

‘Well then, nothing,’ he said.

I laughed, happy he was back. ‘I mean, do you talk to yourself? Sing in the shower? What?’

‘Where is this going?’

‘Just answer.’

‘Will this save my life?’

‘It will absolutely save your life.’

‘Fine. Yes, I sing in the shower, that’s it.’

And I knew he was lying. I cleared my throat. ‘For example, when I’m bored, in a waiting room or whatever, I pick a colour and I try to find the number of things in the room with that colour and then I pick another colour and find a number of things in the room with that colour, and whichever colour has the most items in the room wins.’

He twisted around to face me. ‘Why the hell would you do that?’

‘Who knows?’ I laughed. ‘People think weird things all the time but never admit it. I also have a thing where I run my tongue along my teeth and I have to count each tooth as I do it. In car journeys, listening to people talk, you know?’

He gave me a weird look.

‘Or I try to come up with ideas for my book.’

He looked interested. ‘What book?’

‘The book that I’ve always wanted to write. The book I shall some day write.’ I got embarrassed and pulled my legs up, tucked them under my chin. ‘Or I probably won’t. It’s just a silly dream I have.’

‘That’s not silly. You should do it. What would you write? Erotic fiction?’

I laughed. ‘Like your friend, Irma? No
… a self-help book. I don’t know what exactly to write it about though.’

‘You should do it,’ he said encouragingly. ‘You’d be great at it.’

I smiled, my cheeks pink, appreciating the encouragement I never got from Barry, and immediately I knew that I’d try it.

‘I like to rhyme things,’ he said suddenly.

‘A-ha, do tell.’ I turned my body to face him.

‘Not small words,’ he said shyly. ‘I can’t believe I’m telling you this. Maria doesn’t even know this.’

Score one to me, I thought childishly.

‘Not fat cat, but complicated words like …’ he looked around ‘…
deciduous
immediately says to me
fastidious.
’

‘God, you’re so weird.’ I threw him a look.

‘Hey!’

I laughed. ‘I’m joking. That’s cool.’

‘That’s not cool.’

‘Hey, the secret mind is a very uncool place.’

‘Is that the message?’

I looked out at the lake. ‘What about “Never Ever Have I Ever …”? My sisters and I used to play it while in the car on holidays.’

‘You all must have near destroyed your dad.’

‘I actually think we kept him alive. Okay, you start. Never ever have I ever
…’

‘You know, this sounds remarkably like one of Elaine’s “How to Fall in Love” techniques.’

‘Well, maybe I do want you to fall in love.’

I felt his eyes searing into me.

‘With life,’ I clarified. ‘I want you to love life. So go,’ I nudged him.

‘Okay, never ever have I ever
…’ he thought about it for some time ‘… had a lollipop.’

‘What?!’ I exploded. ‘Explain!’

He laughed. ‘We were never allowed to have lollies as kids because they were dangerous. Every day we were told of the dangers: we’d choke, we’d break our teeth, we’d lose an eye or we’d cause someone else to lose an eye. And then finally we were told we could have them, but we had to sit down and eat or else we’d choke and die. I mean, why would any kid want that? So I never had one. It put me off for ever. I can’t even stand to watch kids eat them.’