How to Handle Your Emotions (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (46 page)

•
Being disfavored simply because you are female is
unjust.

•
Failing to receive well-earned recognition is extremely
frustrating.

Realize your father’s neglect of you has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with him. Something has been severely “broken” in your father, keeping him from being a reflection of the heavenly Father to you. Therefore turn loose of your expectations regarding him. Just as you would
not expect a broken watch to keep time correctly, likewise don’t expect your “broken” father to treat you correctly. Choose to forgive him so that your anger won’t build bitterness in your heart.

“See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many”

(H
EBREWS
12:15).

Clearly, Joseph understands rejection. The fact that he is his father’s favorite results in him being betrayed by his jealous brothers and sold to strangers, to foreigners. Imagine Joseph, as a teenager, being sold by his own brothers as a common slave and carted off to a foreign land. His grief over losing his loving father and all that was familiar to him must have been overwhelming. He must have been terrified.

Still, Joseph accepts the will of God in his life…he accepts the sovereignty of God over what happens. Despite one betrayal after another, Joseph refuses to become bitter. Instead, he accepts his circumstances and humbly entrusts himself to God.

Years later, Joseph rises to a position of power in Egypt and becomes the prime minister, second only to Pharaoh. When his brothers journey to Egypt in search of grain, they end up at the mercy of Joseph. He immediately knows who
they
are, but they don’t know who
he
is!

So what will Joseph do? Will he take revenge and refuse to give them grain? Will he send them off with grain, but not acknowledge them as his brothers? Will he extend his hand of help, but insist they bow before him?

No, Joseph refuses retaliation and instead accepts his brothers, in spite of their past betrayal. His acceptance isn’t conditional, but unconditional
—
possible only because of the condition of his heart. The forgiveness in his heart allows him to focus on the future, which, in turn, allows him to
let the past stay in the past
(Genesis 37:12-29; 41–45).

To accept someone
means to think of that person favorably or to receive that person willingly. It can also mean to give approval to another person.
⁷
We should accept others and value them purely because of their God-given worth.

—Your acceptance of others is based on the disposition of your heart, and expressed through your attitude and actions.

—In the Bible, the Greek word
proslambano
means “to accept, receive, welcome.”
⁸

—Jesus Christ provides the supreme example of acceptance, as seen in Romans 15:7:

“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.”

When we reject someone, if we look closely, we may find that we are doling out the same rejection we ourselves have received. The same is true of those who have learned to be accepting of others. Typically, we give or pass on to others what has been given to us. However, your past rejection by others need not determine your future. You can grow in your ability to become more and more accepting of others even when you yourself have been rejected. The Bible says,

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past”

(I
SAIAH
43:18).

1.
Zero Acceptance
—If you habitually receive zero acceptance, you may come to believe that no matter what you do, you will never be accepted.

The person who totally rejects you harbors deep bitterness and extends no grace and mercy. But the Bible says,

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you”

(E
PHESIANS
4:31-32).

2.
Performance-based Acceptance
—If you habitually receive performance-based acceptance, you may come to think, “I am accepted only when I perform perfectly.”

The person who only accepts you based on how you act demands, “You must meet my requirements,” and rarely offers grace and mercy. But the Bible says,

“Judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!”

(J
AMES
2:13).

3.
Unconditional Acceptance
—If you habitually receive unconditional acceptance, you clearly know that no matter what you do—even when you fail—you will always be accepted.

The person who accepts you—especially when you fail—lives with a heart of grace and mercy, and reflects the heart of God. The Bible says,

“Show mercy and compassion to one another”

(Z
ECHARIAH
7:9).

Question:
“Can an authentic Christian be rejected by God?”

Answer:
No. Based on numerous verses in the Bible, those who have entrusted their lives to Christ, though they may still sin, will never be rejected by God. Romans 8:1 says, “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Therefore, if you find yourself fearful of being forsaken by God, claim the following truth from God’s unchanging Word:

“The L
ORD
will not reject his people; he will never forsake his inheritance”

(P
SALM
94:14).

The teenage years can be marked by some of life’s most painful rejections. Because of severe insecurity, young people crave acceptance from others, and often overreact to any rejection.

By age 17, Joseph feels the sting of rejection from his older brothers. In truth, Joseph plays a big part in feeding his brothers’ jealousy. One day Joseph has a dream that he unwisely discloses to his older brothers. He implies that one day his brothers will bow down to him!

“Joseph had a dream, and when he told it to his brothers, they hated him all the more. He said to them, ‘Listen to this dream I had: We were binding sheaves of grain out in the field when suddenly my sheaf rose and stood upright, while your sheaves gathered around mine and bowed down to it’”

(G
ENESIS
37:5-7).

How insulting! How impertinent! How arrogant! Resenting the implication that Joseph will one day “lord” himself over them, his brothers continue to be filled with animosity toward him.

These brothers, who have already felt intense rejection from their father, decide to take revenge and make sure that Joseph will pay dearly. But the brothers don’t realize this important fact: Although some say, “Revenge is sweet,” it leaves a bitter aftertaste! That is why the Bible says,

“See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many”

(H
EBREWS
12:15).

If your sense of self-worth is based on the approval of others, you are on a runaway roller coaster with no ability to control when you are up or down. Your feeling of value is at the mercy of what others think about you. Your sense of identity is determined by how others respond to you.

To get off this jerky roller coaster and conquer your fear of rejection, you need to allow the Lord to control your life. He created you and established your worth when He made you in His image. As you put your trust in Him, He will turn your fear into faith because…

“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the L
ORD
is kept safe”

(P
ROVERBS
29:25).

The Dialogue of the Approval Addict

If you think you may be living for the approval of others, honestly evaluate the following statements to see if they reflect your self-talk.

Even though you may think such thoughts, they don’t reflect God’s truth about you. The Bible says,

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that
he loved us
and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins”

(1 J
OHN
4:10).

The Fear of Rejection Test
¹¹

If we are controlled by the fear of rejection, then our focus will be on pleasing people. However, we need to say what the apostle Paul said,

“We are not trying to please men but God”

(1 T
HESSALONIANS
2:4).

If you are uncertain about whether you are living for the approval of others, answer the following questions. They will reveal whether you live with the fear of rejection.

•
Do you avoid certain people out of fear they will reject you?

•
Do you become anxious when you think someone might not accept you?

•
Do you feel awkward around others who are different from you?

•
Do you feel disturbed when someone is not friendly toward you?

•
Do you work hard at trying to determine what people think of you?

•
Do you become depressed when others are critical of you?

•
Do you consider yourself basically shy and unsociable around others?

•
Do you try to see the negative in others?

•
Do you find yourself trying to impress others?

•
Do you repeat negative messages about yourself to yourself?

•
Do you look for clues as to how others are responding to you in order to avoid the pain of rejection?

•
Do you say yes when you should say no to others?

•
Do you expect others to respond to situations and conversations in the same way you do?

•
Do people close to you say you are a codependent person?

•
Are you hypersensitive to the opinions of others but insensitive to your own emotions?

•
Do you often feel overly controlled by others?