How To Succeed in Evil (36 page)

“W-w-what?”

“Did they find a body?”

“N-n-no.”

The man swings his legs out of the bed and tries to stand. His legs have atrophied and won’t hold him. He slides onto the floor. “Well, yippie ki-a,” he says, disgusted at his weakness.

“Take it easy,” says Nurse Kim, “You’ve been in bed for a long time.” She checks his chart rather than going to help him. This man has a crazy light in his eye that she’s not comfortable with. “Three months.”

The man curses and struggles to get to his feet. After a minute he claws his way back onto the bed. As Nurse Kim watches this, she asks, “Where do you have to be in such a hurry, Mister Doe?”

“Heh, John Doe hunh. My name’s Augustus, but all my lady friends call me 'Gus.”

“Well, why are you in such a hurry Gus?”

“I’m going to go find him. I'm going to find Excelsior.”

“But he’s dead.”

“If they didn’t find a body, he’s still alive. He’s just farted off somewhere to feel sorry for himself.” Gus’ voice is so raspy, it causes Nurse Kim sympathetic pain.

“Can I get you a glass of water?”

“Yeah.” Nurse Kim turns to leave the room. Gus’ voice stops her in the doorway, “And get me some cigarettes. I could just about kill for a cigarette.”

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The World’s Most Dangerous About the Author Blurb.

You know those “About the Author” blurbs that begin with poignant details from the writer’s childhood? The one’s that quickly move through a series of credentials and accomplishments so impressive that they make you feel that if you don’t buy a book then everyone will recognize you for the uncultured Phillistine that you are? Yeah, this is not that kind of author blurb. This is the other kind.

This is an about the author blurb that actually tells you about the author. If you stick with this blurb it will tell you that Patrick has been shot, has fallen off a mountain, was once framed for a crime he did not commit – that he has gambled with his rent money and knows how to replace the water pump in a 1966 Chrysler. It will also explain to you that, much like a lost boy raised by wolves, he was brought up by economists and can interpret the strange dances and guttural utterances of their dismal tribe.

But most of all this blurb wants you to know that Patrick can write. That he puts words and concepts and characters together in a way that will make your synapses light up like an accident in an unlicensed fireworks factory. Yes, a substance that powerful should be illegal. But before that happens, you’ve got a chance to go to
www.patrickemclean.com
to get more of his writing.

If you don’t use this chance, Patrick won’t hold it against you. After all, he’s a nice, easy-going kind of guy. But this Blurb will know. And believe me, this is one “About the Author” blurb you don’t want to cross.

© 2005-2011 by Patrick E. McLean

Published by good words (right order)

www.patrickemclean.com