How To Tame Beasts And Other Wild Things (26 page)

Balthazar

What has roots as nobody sees,
Is taller than trees
Up, up it goes,
And yet never grows?

Mountain

Two weeks have passed and Matilda is still fretting over the celebration. We’ve decided to honor Everit’s request and get married before they drive off the Grand Canyon. This has only escalated her angst and now that we’re down to the wire and leaving in the morning to fly out west her emotions are on overdrive.

              “What do you fear about this?” I ask Matilda as I sit on the bathtub edge. I reach into the water and grab her pruned foot. “Is it that you can’t stand the idea of us watching? Or is it that they’re going to die regardless of how it happens?”

              “I’m not going.” Her violet eyes are rimmed in red as she whispers in a hoarse voice.

              “Not going? So, that’s it?” I glance out to the hall. The boys are dressing the pigs in the clothing Matilda sewed them for Christmas.

              “Please don’t push this,” she says as she sinks deeper into the tub. “I feel bad enough.”

              I roll my eyes, and she frowns.

              “Have you told your dad yet?” I ask.

              Nodding, she reaches between her feet and pulls the tub plug. Then she focuses on the whirlpool.

              “What did he say?”

              “That he loves me,” she says quietly. “And, um, that he’ll see me on the other side.” She sobs.

              “All righty, then. I can appreciate that you’re not going. I’m not judging you.”

              “But you’re going?” she asks in a surprised tone.

              I stand and hand her a towel as she rises out of the water. “I’m going.”

              She wraps the towel around her body then tucks a corner of it between her breasts. “We were going to get married at dusk,” she says as if I’ve abandoned her.

              From the doorway, I watch the boys. “And?”

              “And, so now we’re not? You’re standing me up for them?”

              “I wouldn’t call what I’m doing standing you up, love. We all agreed on this. You’ve made a decision to back out of it. I said I’m not judging you, but I feel like you’re judging me for going. I need to do this for my mom. It’s an important day for her and for me.”

              Matilda drags a brush through her wet hair, then drops it into a basket of toiletries and grabs the lotion. “It was going to be an important day for me too.”

“And you decided to change it.” My voice gets louder the more agitated I become. “Don’t put this on me.”

              “Don’t worry. I won’t. You go to the end-of-life party and I’ll go—”

              “To your pity party,” I say. “You’re acting like a child now.” Matilda storms past me and out of the bathroom.

              I follow her into our bedroom. “Please don’t push me away. This is as hard for me as it is for you.”

              She drops her towel and slips into a nightshirt. I grab her shoulders to pull her against my chest.

              “We’ll get married when I get back—anyway you like it. I need this. It’s all I have left with her. Four months are all I got with my mom, and I’ve tried to soak everything out of it. We have the rest of our lives.”

              We’re both exhausted. It’s bedtime for the boys, and I’m flying out tomorrow. Matilda’s not pleased that I’m going, but there’s not a chance I won’t. I understand her reasons for not wanting to make the trip, and I appreciate how she feels I’m abandoning her. If anyone understands what abandonment feels like, it’s me. First my mother, then Lavinia, then Matilda. Thank god I got her back.

The big day for Everit and Imogene has arrived and my nerves rocket knowing what tonight brings. It feels strange thinking that in a few hours they’ll be gone. Even more strange is that Matilda isn’t here with me. I thought coming out here would be a relief, but as time crawls, I realize it isn’t anything close to that. It feels more akin to a sentence, though I’m clear that’s just my side of the story.

              I put the boys down for an afternoon nap, thinking maybe I’ll take one as well. Unfortunately, my restlessness refuses to give in to my fatigue. I grab a beer from the mini fridge, needing some balm for my nerves, and head out to my balcony, which overlooks an indoor atrium with a swimming pool. Minutes later, a knock comes to the door, and my heart trips thinking it’s Matilda.

              “Hey, Imogene,” I say, trying not to sound let down. Then I stamp a smile on my face. “Come on in,” I whisper. “The boys are napping. Join me on the balcony. Can I get you a glass of wine from the mini fridge?”

              “Sure, sure,” she says as she runs her hands through her hair.

              We sit on the balcony and sip our drinks. I glance down at the pool then back to her. “You doing okay?” she asks.

              “Yeah, I’m cool. I’m happy for you and Everit. Don’t question me for a second.”

              “I know you are. I just wanted to come over here and thank you for that, but I also wanted to talk to you about something.”

              Her eyes fill as she drops her face into her hands. “I’ve been lying to you,” she says, reaching a trembling hand out to mine. I swallow hard waiting to hear some kind of life-changing news based on the sob that breaks from her throat. Is she not my mother?

              My entire body stiffens with panic and I fold my arms over my chest. “Are you not my mom?” My voice comes out bitter.

              “What?” Her hands fly up as her face crumbles and a dash of color shoots into her cheeks. “Oh god. No, I’m your mother. I promise you, I’m your mother. But I don’t have cancer.”

              I shoot out of my chair as an uncontrollable smile springs to my mouth and my heart thrums. “You don’t have cancer? Why would you have lied to all of us, to him? Holy fuck!”

              “I’ve been a hospice nurse my entire career,” she says quietly. “I’ve seen so much sadness, seen cancer destroy families, and conversely, I’ve seen it bring them together.”

              I sit and slowly release a breath as her eyes brighten.

              “I couldn’t tell you the conversations Everit and I have had, but dammit, I love that man.” She bites her bottom lip as her voice catches in her throat. “Finally, I meet a man I would do anything for, and he’s about to go over a cliff without me.”

              I grab her arm. “He has no idea?”

              “Oh, he knows I love him,” she says as tears slide down the sides of her nose, coating her lips. “He doesn’t know I’m not going with him tonight, doesn’t know I don’t have cancer.”

              “Mom, Jesus.”

              She sniffles. “Say that again. Call me mom,” she says through a sob.

              I grab her shoulders and pull her tight against me. And shit, do I cry. “Mom, you’re going to live?”

              “Yes,” she says quietly. “Forgive me for lying, but I thought…to give a man happiness, knowing I’d have the rest of my life to get to know my son… It seemed like a lie worth living. Don’t judge me for it, please. I’m so sorry, but when he told me he wanted to join me for my bucket list, something struck me. He wasn’t surprised, considering my sister had died of it. I just sort of blurted it out. I couldn’t take it back. Crazy, right? But I’m crazy for him. Why lie about something like cancer? But I swear, when I told him, knowing all the while I’d back out in the end, I don’t know… It made sense to me, and if you had seen his face… Maybe it bought him more time. Maybe it gave him a short lift to live longer. I want to think I gave him something.”

              “You did. You gave him love and reason to be happy. I don’t care what you want to call it, crazy or not, a lie—who cares? I’m guessing he’d say it was worth it. Even the pain I felt knowing you were leaving was worth it. I forgive you. I… Mom,” I say through a cracked voice. “I’ve never told you I love you, but I do. And I forgive you. For everything. Everything.”

              “Balthazar.” She weeps. “I’ll tell him, but not until we’re in the car. He’s ready, and I don’t want to change his mind. I’ll just tell him I’ve changed mine.”

              I let out a sigh of relief as tears track down my face.

              Imogene looks at me and busts out laughing. “You look like your father,” she says as her fingers find mine. We have a warm, connected moment until a familiar scream divides it. I lunge to the balcony rail, following my heart, and there she is. Falling headlong into the pool, her suitcase trailing behind her.

              “Matilda!” I yell. When she surfaces, she waves her arms at me once she sees where my voice is coming from.

              “Balthazar!” she shouts. “I’m marrying you tonight on the edge of the motherfucking Grand Canyon! You got that?”

              If only I could jump over the railing to grab her, to hug her, to…

My mom’s hands land on my shoulders. “Go. I’m here for the boys. Go get your girl. Grandma is here. I’m here to stay!” Then she gives me a sideways glance. “Not a word to Matilda,” she scolds.

              “Mom’s the word.” I chuckle.

              “Mom,” she repeats with a tear-filled nod and grin. “I love you, Balthazar. I’m so grateful. Now, go! Go get her!”

Matilda

An arm points north, east, south, then west.
Ever in circles, never pausing to rest.
It passes its brother twenty-three times,
As the sun passes by and the moon starts to climb.
 

A Clock

Two days. And it was
too
much
. Too much
missing Balthazar,
too much
realization
. Too much
need for forgiveness and clarity and a whole bundle full of things that had me so riled up that I was ready to fly to the moon and back. Duke and Alfie flew west with me, my two rocks as I navigated all sorts of internal turbulence while the airplane managed its own. I was marching through the hotel atrium, en route to Balthazar’s room, when I tripped over some kid’s flip-flops. Then splash!

              “Dammit, Lucille!” I shrieked as I tripped into the pool, nearly landing on a woman. My suitcase did not abandon me. Welcome to the wild, blue yonder.

              As for how I got here in the first place? Well, my dad called me today at the crack of dawn, letting me know he wouldn’t be going over the cliff with Imogene.

              “What?” I screamed, nearly pissing myself in excitement, thinking I’d have more time with him.

              Then he explained how his low white blood cell count was a manageable autoimmune disease that his doctor had pinned on cancer.
A mistake?

              After Dad and I had a happy cry fest, my thoughts immediately went to Balthazar. Shit, there he’ll be, watching his mother go over that cliff. Alone. God, I felt selfish, even more than I’d felt the last two days. Needless to say, that was my final push.

              My dad swore me to silence. Not for anything was I allowed to say one word about him not going over the cliff. He was going to tell Imogene in the car. He loved her so much that he couldn’t bear to tell her before then. He knew she was ready, and all he wanted to do was support her. Dad was in love, and it crushed me to hear him talk about how they had connected and how it would end tonight.

              “Matilda,” Balthazar says, grabbing my soaked body along with my drenched suitcase.

              “Fancy meeting you here, Ricky.”

              We laugh, but seconds after, I remember that Imogene is going over a cliff tonight. What will that do to him, and why did it not terrify me two days ago? I know why. I was blinded with fear.

              “You came.” His smile is giant.

              “I came. I love you, I’m marrying you tonight at dusk. You, Balthazar,” I say beside his ear. “You.”

              He grabs my waist and spins me around. “Matilda…fuck yes! I’m marrying you!”

              How could he possibly be so excited when his mother is driving off a cliff to her death tonight?

The cool wind whistles around us as Balthazar and I stand holding hands at the edge of the Grand Canyon. Our eyes brim with tears after we break apart from our kiss, newly married. Next to us are Imogene, Dad, Duke, Alfie, Molly, and the twins. A shiver of emotion runs through my body knowing what’s coming next.

              “Marry me,” Dad blurts out, crashing through the momentary silence. “Imogene, marry me.”

              Balthazar squeezes my hand as I gasp and look at Imogene then my dad.

              Her lips quiver and her eyes fill. “Everit?” she says after a few seconds.

And then they start talking over each other.

              “I need to tell you something—” he says.

              “No, please… Let me—” she interrupts.

              “Imogene.”

              “Everit.”

              I can’t do it,” Dad says.

              At the same time, she exclaims, “I’m not going with you.”

              “What?” they both holler.             

              “I lied,” she says. “I love you, Everit Pearl, but I lied.”

              “Lied that you we’re going over the cliff?”

              She nods.

              “Imogene, I don’t know how to tell you this. I wa
s…
Shit, this is good news, but somehow, right now, it doesn’t feel like it. I was misdiagnosed. I don’t have cancer. Fuck, this is crazy!”

              “What?” Balthazar says with an exploding laugh. How could he be laughing? His mother is going to die. My dad just told her that he doesn’t have cancer. This is beyond surreal.

              Imogene bursts out crying, her shoulders shake as she wraps her arms around my dad’s neck. She stays there, whispering for long seconds.

              “What?” Dad sobs. “Oh my god…You don’t?”

              Don’t what? Balthazar grabs me around the waist and swings me in circles. I have no idea why he’s so happy or what the hell is going on.

              “You’re not dying?” Dad cries.

              “Wait. What?” I blurt out. “Neither of you is dying?”

              “Not today!” they both cry.

              Did I say confused?

              “Imogene, marry me. Marry me now. We’ll make it official at the courthouse tomorrow!”

              Imogene nods then whispers, “Yes.” The only ones not crying, for once, are the twins.