Human Conditioning (41 page)

As Gina dragged herself out of
bed, Lily stared at her with wide eyes. “What the fuck are you doing here?”
Gina growled quietly.

“I don’t want any trouble, G.
I came round and you weren’t answering the door. I was worried something might
have happened to you...”

“How did you get in?”

Lily closed her eyes, knowing
her answer would vex her friend. “I asked Ricky to break in,” she whispered and
glanced up at her old friend to see that she was not angry now, but petrified.
Her green eyes were wide with alarm. The fear in Gina’s expression at the
thought of somebody knowing her and Aiden’s secret was astonishing. “He doesn’t
know a thing,” Lily quavered. “But I do, Gina... and I can help you!” Gina let
out a breath she had been holding and narrowed her eyes. Lily gulped and asked,
“If I get up, will you trust me not to run? Trust me not to hurt you?”

Gina finally found her voice
and, glaring down at Lily’s swollen belly, she sneered, “Like you could run or
hurt me with
that
!”

Lily decided it was now or
never to make her move to rise. Slowly, without taking her eyes off Gina, as if
she was some dangerous animal ready to strike at any given moment, she
carefully twisted her body around and placed her feet on the floor. As she
stood, she reiterated, “Gina, I want to help you.”

Gina cackled derisively, and
stepping over to her dresser, she grabbed a hair band and whipped her long,
thick hair into a scruffy ponytail. “I don’t need help from
you
, sweet
Lily...”

“What’s that?”

Gina frowned, but when she
followed the direction of Lily’s eyes, she realised they were fixated on her
neck. She roughly ripped the band out of her hair and shook her head to allow
the lank waves of her hair to fall over her shoulders and conceal the wound she
had inadvertently revealed. Approaching Lily, she spat, through clenched teeth,
“Stay out of my business, you got it?” then she stormed out of the room and
down the stairs.

Lily followed her. “I can’t do
that, G. What happened to you?”

“Get out!”

“No.”

“
Get the fuck out!
”

“No, G.”

Gina glared at her old friend.
She knew her enough to believe that Lily was adamant, but there was also a
fight in her that Gina didn’t recognise. Lily had learned to handle
confrontation, and she could only assume it had derived from Aiden’s influence.
The thought actually made her respect her a little.

It was Lily’s natural goodness
combined with this new confidence that was keeping her there; her innate desire
to help the needy; the kindness that had drawn Gina to her from the beginning.

Gina had longed to be good, to
live a clean life like her privileged friend, but it was never meant to be.
Those who came from the dark remained in the dark. Lily was a little ray of
light, scurrying around, trying to save everyone and she didn’t understand Gina
like Aiden did. Aiden was from the dark too. He understood how hard it was to
be a good person. They hadn’t the first clue what it entailed to be a
good
person
. The thought of living a straight life was entirely alien to them
both. It was too frightening to even comprehend. The life she had now she could
understand: the loneliness, the pain, the heartache. It was a hand she had been
dealt all her life. It was all things she could relate to. It was what was
predictable and therefore felt safe. She knew no other way, and neither did
Aiden.

“What can I do?” Lily begged.
Gina sighed and dropped onto the couch. Habitually, she reached for her little
silver tin. “No, G, please!”

“You stay or you leave. It’s
up to you,” she scorned.

Lily pressed her lips together
and stepped out of the room. She couldn’t watch. Gina set up her hit and
injected herself with no fuss. It took just minutes and Lily walked back in to
see a far more docile Gina, resting on the couch, legs crossed in front of her.
She looked as if she were meditating.

Lily walked over to the couch,
cautiously gauging Gina’s reaction to her every move, until she sat down beside
her. “How often does he make you take that?”

“Don’t try to understand,
Lily,” Gina scoffed acidly. Lily looked down at her hands clasped together and
resting on top of her bump. She didn’t know what to say. Gina sighed. “He
doesn’t make me take it, Lils. I want to...”

“You
need
to,” Lily
corrected her, staring into her friend’s sunken green eyes. It was Gina’s turn
for a loss of words. It was quite true that she was addicted and that she
needed her buzz as much as she chose to have it. There was no point arguing the
facts. “Did he start you on it?” Lily pressed.

“Yes.”

“Did he force you into it?”

“Not exactly...”

Lily sighed. Trying to gain
information from Gina reminded her of how difficult it was to squeeze
information out of Aiden. They were similar in that way: guarded, secretive and
utterly distrustful. “Did he get you into this business?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

Gina scooted around to face
her. “Why do you want to know? This is your
husband
we’re talking
about.”

“It’s because he’s my husband
that I must know the truth,” Lily replied emphatically.

Gina raised her eyebrows. “The
truth?” she mocked. “You have no idea...”

“No, I don’t, so why don’t you
enlighten me.”

Gina fell back onto the couch
as if the effort of sitting up was becoming too much to bear. She stretched her
arms up and yawned, “And what do I get out of this if I do?”

Lily was astounded. “You’re
trying to negotiate with me?”

“You’ve gotta take every
opportunity in this game, Lils...”

Gina’s guard was up again and
she was falling into a state of intoxication. Lily knew she wouldn’t get any
more out of her without forcing her hand. “OK, Gina,” Lily replied resolutely.
She didn’t want to play this card, but it was the only way she was going to
gain the information she needed. She stared intently into Gina’s glazed eyes
and said, “If you won’t tell me, I’ll have to ask Aiden.”

Gina’s face whitened, her eyes
widening a touch. “You wouldn’t
dare
approach him about this!”

“What makes you so sure about
that?” Lily replied, her light blue eyes now glaring at her friend with
determination. She’d learned from the best: her husband. Gina blinked back at
her, completely dumbfounded as to how Lily could even contemplate approaching
Aiden about something like this. “Now, when did you start working for him?”
Lily pressed.

Gina hesitated, then on a loud
petulant sigh, she answered, “About four years ago...”

“Doing this?”

“No.”

“What then?”

She took a deep breath and
replied, “Sex films... then this.”

Lily couldn’t hide her shock,
but she nodded and asked, “And the drugs?”

Gina closed her eyes, trying
hard to remember, but the truth was, since the first time she had used, her
life had become somewhat of a daze. Her eyes flicked open when the memory came
to her. “It was the day I bumped into you at Aiden’s place... New Year’s Day. A
year ago,” she whispered.

Tears pricked Lily’s eyes and
she gulped hard before asking, “Were you sleeping with Aiden before you started
working for him?”

This question seemed to cause
Gina physical pain. She took a deep breath and rubbed her stomach. When she
looked up at Lily, she had tears in her eyes. “Before, and a little during...”

Lily nodded slowly, hesitated,
then mustered the courage to ask, “And when did you stop sleeping together?”

A tear dropped from one of
Gina’s eyes. “It was before you came back.”

Lily let out a breath she
hadn’t realised she had been holding. “Do you still love him?” she asked, her
voice now barely audible.

“Yes,” Gina whispered in
reply.

Quieter still, Lily asked, “Do
you think he loves you?”

Gina squirmed in her seat. The
physical pain was back. She ran her hands over her stomach once more.
Internally, she was fighting every fabrication that she had formed in her mind
over the years to convince herself that Aiden loved her, yet, after what had
happened during his latest visit, how could she believe that he felt anything
but revulsion and pity for her? He had really hurt her this time; he had
gambled with her life. Finally she whispered, “No,” and her words conveyed all
the pain of someone who had, in that very moment, accepted a horrible truth.
Aiden didn’t love her. He didn’t care for her. The truth was, he didn’t even
like her anymore. He had used her. He had driven her to become what she was: a
junkie whore, a slave to him and the drug he gave her to guarantee her
compliance.

When Lily rose from the couch
to leave, Gina thought of how her old friend would go home to Aiden, home to a
man who loved her with all his heart. But she could revel in the fact that Lily
and Aiden’s relationship would never be the same, and drawing on all her pain
and resentment, she sniped, “Well, at least you can’t tell Aiden what you know...
you’ll just have to live the rest of your married life with this enormous
secret hanging over your head!” She smirked and added, “Live long and prosper,
Lily Summers!”

Lily glared at her. “Why are
you so convinced I wouldn’t confront Aiden?” Gina stared at her in confusion.
Lily could see she was struggling with this concept, and she cast her mind back
to Aiden’s reaction after she’d confirmed she was pregnant and wasn’t very
thrilled about it: his anger, the bottle. “What is it, G?” she asked gravely.

Gina gulped and straightened
her back. “Well, aren’t you scared of him?” she said indignantly, her green
eyes glistening with bemusement.

Lily slowly shook her head.
“No... he’s my husband.”

The conviction in her voice
was false. She remembered the huge row just days ago, when she had arranged for
them to go to Carlton House. Aiden had been incensed and she had tried to
ignore the fact that she had been sure that he had left the house so that he
didn’t end up doing something to her, something he would later regret. Gina
continued to stare up at her, totally bewildered, and a sudden dread came over
Lily; a dread she’d experienced before. “Gina, does Aiden hurt you?” Tears
pricked Gina’s eyes and she slowly rose to her feet, her body language
indicating that the conversation was over. Lily stepped up to her and gently
grasped her shoulders then, running an index finger over the pale flesh close
to the stab wound in her neck, she gasped, as if realisation had finally set
in. “Did he do this to you?” she cried.

“No more! You’ve got the
information you wanted, now just leave me alone...”

“G!” Lily suddenly shook her.
She didn’t mean to, but the pain of knowing that her husband could have
inflicted such an injury was too much to bear.

“
Don’t touch me
!” Gina
screamed, forcing Lily backwards. She slammed her into the door and her head
smacked against the wood. A sudden pain shot through Lily’s pelvis and she bent
over. But Gina had lost all patience with her now. She had asked too much of
her. She had outstayed her welcome.

She grabbed Lily’s arm and
dragged her into the hallway. Opening the front door, she pushed her out onto
the walkway. “Now
fuck off
and don’t bother coming back!
I don’t...
need... saving
!”

At that, Gina slammed the
door. Lily leaned back on the balustrade and held her stomach. She breathed
through her pain, knowing it was just her PPGP playing up. After a few minutes,
the pain subsided, and walking slowly and carefully down the walkway, she
headed for the stairs.

Gina sat on her couch and bit her nails savagely. She was
petrified.
Would Lily tell Aiden what she had discovered?
She hoped not,
because she was certain that if he did find out that she had been blabbing to
his wife, Aiden would make sure he killed her this time.

“How are my best girls?”

Aiden grinned widely as he
walked into the lounge to find Lily breastfeeding their new baby daughter. Lily
and the child they had named Amy had come home from hospital the previous day
having spent two weeks there following a small complication after the birth.
Lily had bled out and she and little Amy had been put under observation.

Her release time had changed
at the last minute, and Aiden hadn’t been contactable, so Vivien had gone to
collect her with an old friend of the Fosters in tow. He had been introduced to
Lily as Grant O’Donoghue, and Grant had driven them all to Harpenden in a
luxurious, top-of-the-range Jaguar.

Grant and Vivien had,
apparently, recently rekindled an old friendship after a long time being apart
and, apparently, Grant and Aiden used to be close too. But Lily had never heard
Aiden speak of him. Even so, Grant had been friendly and excited to see the
next generation of the Fosters, and he conveyed his affection for Aiden during lunch
at the house. He spoke of Aiden growing up, his brief but successful boxing
days and what a little menace he had been. Vivien had laughed, and scolded him
at times for some of the things he spoke of. But Vivien seemed at ease with him
– much more at ease than with Duggie. She obviously trusted this man
implicitly, and they had the good rapport and deep understanding of one another
that came naturally with long-time friends.

Aiden bent down and kissed the
top of baby Amy’s head, then pressed his lips on Lily’s forehead. She attempted
to hide the flinch that his touch provoked nowadays and she hoped he didn’t
notice.

She closed her eyes as he took
off to the kitchen. She wasn’t sure how much longer she would be able to
shoulder the weight of her secret visit to Gina’s flat. No longer was Aiden the
man she had fallen in love with, the man she had adored and trusted just a few
short months ago and, as a result, her life with him had become a series of
moments that she robotically executed with quiet disdain.