Hunter - Big Girls & Bad Boys (9 page)

“You found her,” Penny said to Indigo and Sandy before turning to me. “Hi, Mel. Glad to see you,” she told me and gave me a hug. Okay, I was getting a bit weirded out. “Hunter, Mel’s here,” Penny called. I heard a commotion from down the hall and then Hunter appeared, all but running.

“Mel? Did Daisy tell you I was looking for you?” he asked. I could tell he wanted to approach me but he kept his distance.

“Sort of, yeah,” I said, recalling the uncomfortable confrontation with my roommate.

“I was going to go back in a bit to see if I could find you,” he told me and then asked Indigo where they found me.

“She was walking here and we picked her up,” Hunter’s sister replied.

“I took the bus and was walking from the stop a few blocks away,” I said but then I had to ask. “What’s going on?” I asked Hunter. The mood shifted almost immediately.

“Sit down. Everyone else knows already,” he said. I looked about and Penny smiled warmly and nodded at me before she ushered me to the sofa. Everyone took seats except for Hunter. My mind was going nuts with possibilities, most of them bad.

“I’ll just say it, Mel. I’m deploying. I came home for a couple of days to say goodbye. I’ve got to report tomorrow and I’m off to Iraq the day after that,” he told me. Penny placed her hand on my leg to reassure me.

“Iraq? That’s over, right?” I asked. I knew the war was officially over and we’d pulled out but I was also aware of the current issues, though I knew very few details. The government was being rather vague about our commitment over there and most of what I’d heard was hearsay.

“I can’t say much but it’s a mission against ISIS,” he told me.

“You’re going to war?” I pressed.

“Yeah, pretty much,” he told me and seeing the look on my face he continued. “It’s not direct action. I won’t be fighting. Just providing support and security,” he added. I sat without speaking, trying to process my feelings about what Hunter had revealed. Everyone was looking at me. I could only think of one thing through the jumble of emotions. I didn’t want Hunter to go.

“I don’t understand. We’re not at war there, right?” I asked.

“Not officially,” Hunter told me. I wanted to scream. I wanted to...well, I expected to want to protest, to speak out against the new conflict, to oppose sending more men to fight a war we couldn’t win. I still felt that way but protesting was the last thing from my mind. I couldn’t care less about the larger policies and politics. I found I was focused on just one thing. One man. Hunter.

“What does this mean?” I asked. Hunter looked at his mother and she knew what he wanted.

“We should go make something to eat, right girls? Maybe you could finish cleaning the rain gutters, Nate,” she said. Hunter wanted to be alone with me.

“Of course, mom,” Indigo replied and stood up. Sandy joined her and they walked off towards the kitchen.

“Yeah, I might as well get those gutters finished,” Nate said and got out of his chair after setting his tablet aside. He smiled at me as he went to the door that led to the garage and disappeared. Penny stood as well.

“Take all the time you need. It will be a while before dinner is done,” she said and left us alone. Hunter sat next to me, still not daring to get too close.

“Why...um...why are you telling me this?” I asked him.

“You really don’t know?” he replied. I guess I did know. Indigo already told me Hunter still spoke of me. He, apparently, hadn’t forgotten about me. Though I tried, I couldn’t forget about him either.

“I guess I do,” I began, collecting my thoughts before continuing. I had tried to deny my feelings but suddenly, I didn’t care anymore about hiding them. “I figured you’d hate me after what I did,” I told Hunter.

“I did,” he said plainly and then smiled. “For about two minutes,” he added. I smiled despite myself.

“I was scared...of a lot of things. Our different lives and ideologies, the distance between us...but really, I was scared of how you made me feel. I wasn’t prepared for how easily those things slipped from the forefront of my life,” I said.

“I don’t care. That’s the past. Look, I live a life where I can’t afford to linger too long on stuff, you know. I’m not afraid of my feelings. I’ve got much worse things to fear than my emotions,” he told me. I didn’t want to think about what that meant but I couldn’t help it. Hunter could be killed. I had to face that too.

“How do you feel about me?” I wondered.

“I don’t want to scare you again,” he said. But that did scare me. The possibilities were downright frightening but I needed to hear what Hunter had to say. I needed Hunter to confirm what I thought he was feeling. I needed to embrace the fear and face it head on.

“Please, tell me,” I urged him. Hunter reached out and took my hands as he stared into my eyes. I was shaking, my mouth dry and my ears ringing. I felt as if I might explode.

“I love you, Mel. I wanted to tell you before I deployed. I don’t expect anything in return. I just wanted you to know...just in case,” he said. The flood of emotions I held at bay came rushing forth. I began to cry and I wasn’t entirely sure what it was that I was crying about. Was it that Hunter loved me or that he felt compelled to tell me in case he never got the chance again? Both, I think.

I...Hunter, I...,” I stammered. Somehow, I knew what Hunter was going to say but when I heard the words, I was still shocked and caught off guard.

“You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know. I wanted to see my family before I deployed but...,” Hunter said and then leaned in close after making sure we were alone. “I really came home to see you,” he whispered. I remembered that at Christmas Indigo had clearly heard her mother from the back of the house. I wondered how much of this conversation was really private, though I didn’t really care.

“Hunter, we’re very different people and from very different worlds. I...I’m not sure...what I mean to say is...we’re just different,” I told him, pretty badly at that.

“I know, Mel,” he said.

“I don’t know how we could make it work. I’m not even sure we should try. I don’t want either of us to get hurt,” I said.

“Life is pain. After boot camp, it can’t get much worse,” he said jokingly. I laughed, the tension eased a bit. “Seriously though, I don’t care. Everything in life is risky. I’d rather give it a go than wonder forever what might have happened. I mean it, Mel, I love you. I don’t know why but I do. You’re so pretty and fun to be around. You make me feel good. I thought my life was pretty complete until you hit on me at that party,” he said. I laughed, remembering that night. Hunter continued.

“Look, this is three times. We’ve had three chances and each of us passed on one of the first two. But we keep coming back to one another. The universe is trying to tell us something,” Hunter said. I thought about that. We had happened upon each other twice before and we had hit it off. I hadn’t ever felt the same way with another man like I felt with Hunter. But this time was different. He sought me out and when we missed each other, I went looking for Hunter.

Obviously, we had unfinished business together. But what about my concerns. How could an anti-war activist and a Marine find common ground? Maybe we didn’t have to. Maybe our feelings trumped everything else. Maybe we could make it work not despite our differences but because of them. Maybe, like Hunter said before, we really weren’t as far apart as it seemed.

I sat on the sofa, my hands still in Hunter’s hands, and tried to clear my head. I didn’t weigh my options, I didn’t try to figure out how it could work, I just listened. I listened to my heart. Did I love Hunter? Yes, no, maybe...I don’t know. I’m not even sure I knew what love felt like. But I did enjoy his company. I did find him attractive. But most importantly, I didn’t feel whole without him. He had filled a void I didn’t know was even there, or maybe he created it, but without him in my life, as brief as our time together was, the emptiness couldn’t be ignored.

“I tried really hard. I tried to not think about you,” I said, looking at my lap finding it hard to speak what I felt. But I looked up into Hunter’s eyes before I went on. “It didn’t work for shit,” I said. He laughed.

“I had a few spacey moments myself thinking about you,” Hunter admitted.

“I’ve had a spacey few months. Hunter, I...I...,” I said, the words there on the tip of my tongue but refusing to come out. I wanted to say them but had I come to terms with the consequences? I hadn’t. My life would certainly change. I had the freedom that Hunter didn’t. He was subject to the whims of the Marine Corps. I wasn’t...or at least I wasn’t yet. I didn’t know where this would lead, not yet, but I knew I’d be the one that had to adapt, at least in the short term, to make this work.

But did I love Hunter? I wasn’t sure. Maybe the ache I felt when I left him was love. Maybe the thrill I felt when Daisy told me he had come back to see me was love. Maybe the way he made me feel about myself or the way my priorities reshuffled themselves for him or maybe, just maybe, the way he made love to me was love. Maybe all of it or none of it was love. But I was running out of time and chances to come to terms with how I felt.

I just didn’t want to feel like I did without Hunter. Maybe that was all I needed to know. Life was short, a point Hunter’s career made me keenly aware of. He was certainly aware of the unspoken possibility. Death stalked us all but not as closely as it stalked men like Hunter. He told me he loved me because he might not ever get the chance again. That applied to me too, right? I might not get this chance again if I passed on the opportunity.

I exhaled and it all became so clear. I no longer hesitated. I had this one chance and I wasn’t going to pass it up. I couldn’t. I didn’t know what would happen when I said the words but I knew I couldn’t live with the consequences of not saying them.

“I love you too, Hunter,” I said. He smiled, let go of my hands and cupped my face in his palms. He kissed me and I remembered suddenly how much I liked that. I loved him. There was doubt, I suppose, but nothing tangible, nothing that could overcome the feeling of having that void filled.

However, I thought that was it. We’d professed our love and we’d work it out somehow. We’d send letters, Skype, whatever, while Hunter was overseas and pick up where we left off when he returned. That was the rational and logical thing to do.

I was wrong. Professing our love was just the beginning.

“Then marry me. Tonight,” he said. I pulled back and stared blankly at Hunter. He was kidding, right? Right? His expression told me he wasn’t. I became aware that suddenly we weren’t alone. I glanced over at the kitchen and just barely out of sight, Penny, Indigo and Sandy waited for my answer. I looked over my shoulder and as expected, Nate was on his ladder outside the front window working away, oblivious to the drama inside. I looked back at Hunter.

“I don’t know what to say,” I told him. It was a problem I was having rather often that day.

“Say yes. Be my wife, Mel. Be there for me when I come home and I swear, this will be the last time I deploy. I’ll leave the Corps for you,” he said. I was truly speechless. The gesture was genuine but I couldn’t let Hunter do that. He told me he was a lifer. I knew that even though I could probably never understand why, Hunter loved the Marines.

“You can’t. You don’t have to leave. You love it,” I told him, a lame attempt to change the subject. Now Penny was standing in the threshold to the kitchen, no longer caring if I knew she awaited my answer. Her hands were clasped together over her chest and she wore an expectant expression.

“I will if that’s what it takes. My job, my buddies, all of it take second place, Mel,” he told me echoing my own thoughts of late. Hearing him say it solidified my own feelings. Everything had taken a back seat to Hunter but the curious part was that I didn’t mind. I didn’t regret it or wish otherwise. I preferred it, in fact. I had found something I cared about even more.

“Here’s the deal. I won’t ask you to give that up if you don’t ask me to give up anything. If you want to leave the Marines, you do it because you want to. Deal?” I replied. Hunter grinned.

“So, can I take that as a yes?” he asked. Now Indigo and Sandy stood in the threshold while Penny looked as if she might pounce at any moment, standing mere feet from the sofa. Was that a yes? I guess it was.