Hydraulic Level Five (1) (15 page)

“Perfect.” Jaime chuckled at the photo. “As funny as it is, it’s the last thing a serious author wants floating around on the Internet.”

I was willing to bet John Updike never wore drag.

“On to the next order of business.” She tucked the photo into her dossier and pulled out her articles and flow charts. “The photo gets sent to
HollywoodDays
first, then posted around several blogs if no one bites. Our goal is for an entertainment network to air a blurb about it, at least on their website…”

Our food came out. Soon, I was engrossed in plotting and didn’t notice the café goings-on around me. Jaime, however, was a practiced multi-tasker—every time the bell above the door jingled, she glanced behind me to see who had walked in. Her eyes widened.

“Damn! Is that her, Trilby? She’s stunning.”

I whipped around. Yup, it was. Samuel and Caroline shook dust off their jackets and scanned the restaurant, searching for an empty table. He was dressed in the same casual T-shirt and jeans, though he’d thrown on a fleece—Lyons still grew chilly at night, even in late May. Caroline was as posh as ever, hair sleek as onyx. I glanced down at my own ratty sweater and tennis shoes, and slid down into the booth.

Jaime laughed. “Oh, she’ll be fun to mess with. Look how she’s crinkling up her nose—I think she’s had work done on it.” She scrambled to clear away her flow charts, pictures and papers, and stuffed her top-secret dossier in her messenger bag. “Bet she’s never been on a Lyons Café date. Look, a couple of girls are asking for his autograph. HA! Caroline signed it, too.”

“Oh crud.” My face fell into my hands. Jaime popped another cheesy fry in her mouth, chewing gleefully while I peered at her between my fingers.

“What’s wrong, Trilby? Still scared of that Manhattan skank?”

I shook my head. “Samuel thinks I have a date tonight. This is embarrassing.”

Jaime’s eyes gleamed. I knew that gleam—it was her eleventh-hour courtroom revelation gleam.

“There’s no reason he has to know you aren’t on a date,” she whispered swiftly. “Change of plans, just follow my lead.”

A flash of panic rippled up my spine. What did that mean? Before I could ask, she rose from the booth and waved over Samuel and Caroline. She transferred her plate, drink, and bag to the empty spot next to me. “Move—I want the window seat. Left-handed.” I rolled my eyes and stood to let her in. When she was settled, her arm came up behind me, resting along the top of the booth seat. Since when was Jaime ever affectionate? I squirmed when she didn’t move. I tried to sink further into the booth, my tomato face still hidden in my hands, but she yanked me up by my shirt collar.

Two sets of expensive shoes stopped in front of our booth. I slowly peered up. Samuel grinned down at me and then at Jaime with a smug “I’ve-got-your-number-now” look. Caroline crossed her arms, fingers tapping impatiently.

“Neelie Nixie. Fancy running into you here.”

“What a coincidence,” Caroline muttered under her breath.

Jaime kicked me beneath the table when I didn’t say anything. Finally, she stepped up. “You can count the restaurants in Lyons on one hand, Cabral, so it’s really not improbable to see someone you know. Or do you only use those fingers for typing up your stupid fantasies?”

Samuel’s smile faltered. “It’s always such a pleasure to see you, Jaime. I hear you’ve taken up the causes of small furry rodents.” Crap. I should have known the minute he saw the both of us, he’d put two and two together.

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Tell me, are you thinking of branching out from breeding Labradors? I hear guinea pigs are popular with children these days.”

Jaime’s eyes narrowed. “Yeah, so’s Candy C.”

No!
I
told
her not to go there with the records. Samuel’s mouth fell open in stunned silence, but he shut it and let the comment slide. The lines around his eyes tightened. And while I didn’t look at her, I felt Caroline’s heated gaze upon us like a missile lock, sizing up the situation. I jabbed an elbow into Jaime’s ribs, warning her to shut up. She dug her fingers into my shoulder, hard. She had a painful grip, but it was enough to wake me up.
Time to grow a pair, Kaye, and defuse this thing.

“Um, did the two of you want to join us?” I gestured to the other side of the booth. “We’re almost done eating, but…”

Caroline cleared her throat. “Thanks, but we’ll probably just head over to Smokin’ Dave’s. It’s too crowded here.”

“We were just at Smokin’ Dave’s, and you said it was too crowded,” said Samuel.

“You agreed with me,” she fired back.

Jaime and I shared a glance—there was tension in Versaceville. Samuel scratched the back of his neck and sighed.

“Caro, can we just grab a table and eat, please?”

“Fine.” But surprisingly, instead of finding a different booth, “Caro” glided into the seat across from Jaime, meeting my eyes in silent challenge.

Samuel looked to me for approval. I nodded, and he awkwardly slid in next to her, across from me. Caroline wrapped protective fingers around his. He moved them under the table, out of sight. I gagged a little, my tuna melt now nauseating.

Jaime grinned at me, getting what I meant by the
Hound from Hell.
“The moral support’s touching, but you can move your arm, now,” I whispered to her. Ignoring me, she held out a hand to Caroline.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Jaime Guzman.”

“Caroline Ortega—Samuel’s date for the wedding.” She gave him an insider smile, implying they were much,
much
more than wedding dates. I looked away. “So, Jaime, how do you know our Kaye?”

Our
Kaye?

“Well, Caro,
our
Kaye is the hottest little
tamale blanco
on this side of the Rockies. I wish
I
was her date for the wedding, but you know how that goes.”

Caroline and Samuel laughed politely and perused their menus. They thought she was kidding…

But they didn’t see Jaime’s other hand slide under the table and grasp my thigh. I gasped. Frickin’ twisted muffin, was she putting the moves on me? Horrified, I glanced across the table to see if Samuel and Caroline had noticed. They were busy ordering their food. I started to get up, but she pinched my leg, hard.

“Ow!”

Leaning over, she whispered into my bad ear, something like, “Go with me.”

Then
I knew what she was doing. Woman seriously had no shame when it came to messing with people. I started to tell her I wouldn’t play this game, even if it meant the eternal subterfuge of a thousand Carolines. But then, the reckless feeling stirred in me—the stupid one that argued,
Why the hell not? Cross that line, girlfriend!
It was the same voice that urged me to surf class five rapids with Angel, cliff-huck with Hector, and crash book signings with Molly.
Aw, what the heck. Might as well be a lesbian with Jaime.

I tossed up my hands in futility. “Whatever, sweet cheeks, have it your way. Should you tell them or should I?”

The Manhattan camp’s attention was suddenly on us. Samuel halted, water glass halfway to his lips. Caroline’s tapping fingernails stilled.

“It’s okay, Kaye-baby. I’ve told you time and again: there’s no reason to hide our love.” She leaned over and nipped my ear.

Samuel dropped his glass. It clattered to the table, cold water and ice cubes sloshing over the edge and onto our laps.

“Shit, Cabral!” Jaime yelped, jumping up. “What is your problem?”

He blinked at me, eyes wide, as if antennas sprouted from my skull. (I thought, for a moment, maybe they did—this had to be a fantastically weird dream.) He froze, watching while the rest of us grabbed napkins and mopped up the table before it spilled over the edge and onto our shoes. Finally, he sprang into action, muttering apologies while he scooped up soggy napkins and tossed them on an appetizer plate. Our waitress came by with a tray, took away the mess, and wiped it dry. When we settled back into our seats, Jaime’s arm came around me again.

“Yeah, Kaye’s pretty much the best partner ever. Doesn’t nag, doesn’t get all insanely jealous when another gal talks to me. Did you see how she played it cool with our waitress just now? Didn’t even check out her rack. And she’s got the cutest little ass I’ve ever seen.”

Samuel’s sharp eyes were riveted to my every move—how I shifted in my seat, pushed the food around on my plate. I knew he was deconstructing the situation, flushing out my bluffs and tells until he was satisfied he had the truth. It had always unnerved me when he watched me like that, so intensely.

Caroline, however, gushed fountains of pure honey. “I just can’t tell you how happy I am to meet you, Jaime. I’m glad Kaye has a significant other in her life, also.”

Jaime’s face was so openly sweet, it was sick. “It’s swell, isn’t it? I like to think she’s a really lucky lady, too.”

I unconsciously leaned away from Jaime. He saw it. At last, he leaned back in his booth with a smug, and perhaps relieved, smile.

“When I first met Kaye, I thought maybe she was…you know,” Caroline happily continued. “I could just tell.”

Argh! Hound.
“Yeah, the lack of heels and hair product is a dead giveaway, isn’t it?”

She nodded, missing my sarcasm.

Samuel groaned, his face falling into his hands. “Caro, come on. Let’s leave them alone so they can finish their dinner. We can find a different table.”

“Oh no. I really want to get to know Kaye better, spend some time together. I mean, you’ve known her forever and I’ve only known her for a few weeks. You don’t mind, do you?” she asked Jaime.

“Not at all.”

No, no, no!
I shouted silently. I didn’t want Caro latching on to me like a soul-sucking starfish.

Samuel, sensing my distress, came to the rescue. “Probably not a good time for that,
cariño
. I’m sure Kaye will be extremely busy helping Danita with the wedding. Right?”

I nodded emphatically. “Really, really busy. Dress fittings, rehearsals, company coming into town, organizing vendors. So much to do. Maybe we can do lunch or something, sometime.”

“Of course.” Caro turned to Jaime. “Well, that means you’ll have free time on your hands, with Kaye so busy.”

Jaime choked on a half-cold French fry.
Ha, she didn’t see that one coming.

“Absolutely!” Samuel grinned wickedly at his adversary, sensing a chance to pay her back for a number of grievances dating back to playground days. “Think of all the things you two have in common, all of the stories you could swap.”

Jaime’s eyes narrowed at him. “Oh, don’t I know it! Ever since Kaye and I reconnected, all I’ve heard from this one is best buddies, guitars, lesbian sex is so much better, yap yap yap.”

Samuel didn’t miss a beat. “So, how did the two of you start dating, Jaime? Attorney-Client happy hour?”

Jaime dove in enthusiastically, pulling out every stereotype in the book and pausing only when the waitress returned with Samuel’s and Caroline’s salads. She wove an elaborate tale about how we met at an LGBT mixer at the Lyons Civics Center—we were the only two there, so we just kind of fell together. Since then, we’d bonded over our love for military consignment stores and erotic art. We’d even marched together in the last annual Denver Gay Pride Parade, donning rainbow wigs and carrying signs that read
: Better Gay than Grumpy.
And now we bided our time in the proverbial Lyons closet, living in our own “bubble of beautiful lesbo love.” I coughed into my napkin at Jaime’s alliteration. Samuel’s eyes met mine, shining with amusement.

Not to be left out, Caroline nodded sympathetically, watery eyes meeting mine. “I understand. It must be difficult to live in such a small town, Kaye, especially when your father is the high school baseball coach.”

I was unnerved she knew about my father. Then again, I knew about
her
father. It reminded me to keep my cards close—Caroline was not as ditzy as she appeared. “We like to keep our relationship quiet, here. Really quiet. As in, don’t tell anyone please.”

“Of course.” She speared a cucumber slice.

“You’ll have to join me some Saturday for Harley club while Kaye’s wedding prepping,” Jaime said. “Our biker bitches would really dig you.” I wondered if Jaime really knew biker bitches and, if she didn’t, what she planned to do with Caroline. I probably shouldn’t know.

“Oh!” Caroline turned to Samuel. “Speaking of lesbians, you have a talk show scheduled next Tuesday. They had a cancellation and want you to discuss
The Last Other
. Probably ask some questions about that ridiculous guinea pig and the PETA boycott, too. I could just throttle whoever pulled that stunt.”

Jaime’s body shook with mute laughter.

The conversation safely turned to the book tour (
oh thank you, thank you
). My near-incitement of a fan-girl riot was blessedly overlooked. Caroline mentioned another talk show appearance two weeks from Saturday.