I Ain't Scared of You (19 page)

salad is $48!”

Expensive, boy. Glass of water $25. You leave, the bill be $600. And you can't tell my wife nothin'. She be sittin' there, stomach full, lookin' around, suckin' on her teeth: “Aw, this is
beautiful, mmhmm.
Thank you, baby.”

Then I got insurance. Aw, man, you shoulda heard Rhonda: “You mean if you die, I get $2 million? Aw, we doin'
good!”

We used to get up: “I hope you don't die today.” No medical insurance. No car insurance. I'd go to drive, Rhonda would tell me, “Be careful! You know we ain't got no insurance.”

I'd be like, “I'm taking the side streets!”

See, there were rules to driving when you ain't have car insurance. On Fridays, you didn't drive from twelve to six. You had to let the traffic die down. Too many cars out.

Seven o'clock, it would slow down. You could go out after seven. But you had to be back in by eleven. 'Cause after that, people leavin' bars and drivin' drunk.

If somebody had hit us, they coulda took everything. They coulda took our
stereo!

We had a nice stereo, the most expensive thing in the house. The couch wasn't worth nothin'. The loose spring in the cushion would stab you. We had books holdin' it up for legs.

We had that television with the black line going up and down on the screen. I used to have my daughter holding the antenna for three hours. “Just stand there!”

Her cousins would come over, and she would be glad. “You spendin' the night? Good! You can hold the antenna.”

The kids would be like, “What?”

“You'll see.”

Next thing you know, we got my nephew holdin' the antenna. His arm would get tired, we'd give him a Blow-Pop. He just standin' there, holdin' the antenna and suckin' on a Blow-Pop.

When we started moving up in the world, we got life insurance. Blue Cross/Blue Shield! Before that, we couldn't afford no medication. Anything wrong, we took aspirin.

“He got a fever.”

“Give him some aspirin.”

“He got chills.”

“Give him some aspirin.”

“He stepped on a nail.”

“Crush up some aspirin and give it to him.”

“He got a sore throat.”

“Dissolve four aspirin in some water and gargle with it.”

Rhonda said, “What if one of us would've died? We'd have been tore off.”

But with insurance? Oh, man, people glad to see you go now.

“You mean to tell me, if you die I get $2 million? Keep on drinking. You got hypertension? Eat some more, eat some
moooore.”

We out eating one night, and my wife gon' say, “Yeah, we gon' be well taken care of if something happen to Bernie. Well taken care of.”

I looked up from my food, like,
What the fuck is this? You plannin' somethin'?

“Yeah, we gon' be well taken care of. Not that we
want
anything to happen—but if it did, we gon' be okay.”

I had to keep my eye on her.

*  *  * 

I got a guy who does wardrobe design for me, been dealing with him for years. One day recently, he brought my clothes by from the cleaners. He said my bill was $143. So I gave him an extra $100, then he left.

Right after he left, I'm lookin' at the bill, and I see where he done mixed his clothes in with my clothes. So I'm paying for his clothes and mine to be cleaned! And he ain't said nothin'. Done walked on out.

I found out later that it was a mistake that he didn't know about. But at the time, I was gon' get him for tryin' to 86 me, man.

You gotta set an example with people. I was thinkin',
He'll go out and tell people. They'll think I'm a lollipop.

He's workin' on my TV show. I was plannin' to fire him before I found out it was an accident. I want people to be afraid of tryin' to do stuff to cheat me. I want 'em to be like, “Don't mess with Bernie. He'll fire you.”

It wasn't gon' be over $243, either. Hell, naw. I was gon' make the deed small as hell. “Man, he took 75 cents and Bernie fired him!” “He took a beer out of Bernie's refrigerator and Bernie went
off!”
“Bernie had two watermelons in the refrigerator, and he cut one. Bernie
fired
that muh'fucka!” “He had on one of Bernie's belts and Bernie fired him. He was head of production! Yessir, Bernie don't be messin' around! He'll fire you for nothin'.”

I'll just walk in, look at somebody: “You fired.”

See, that's power. You know it's power when you fire somebody, and they ask for their job back. “Come on, Bernie, man. Bernie, can I talk to you?”

You fire him at eight o'clock in the morning and he still around at four o'clock in the evenin'. Oh, that's power.

I'm like, “You're fired! Security!”

He'll be waitin' for you out by your car. “Bernie? Bernie, can I talk to you?”

You get home, you're wife holdin' the phone, talkin' about, “Baby, phone call.”

It's that cat: “Bernie? Bernie, can I talk to you?”

The white man done had that power for years. The black man, we coming along now!

See, black folks don't believe you're fired till you take the time card out the slot.

But take the time card out the slot?

He be bringin' up old personal shit.

Brothers don't come to grips with nothing like that, especially if you fired him at the end of the shift. He gon' come in in the morning like ain't nothing wrong.

So I was gon' fire the guy. But first, I was gon' stop payment on the check I had written him for my cleaner bill.

That would've embarrassed the shit outta his ass 'cause he banks downtown where all the white folks at. You know you messed up when you go to cash a check, and they pull you to the side.

People are lookin' at you, whispering: “He broke.” It's embarrassing. I know. That happened to me.

I'm broke, right? So I wrote a check for $35, just hopin' I might be able to get it through. But I knew I ain't have no money.

But when I came to the bank, I couldn't let that show. So I walked through the line like I was
strong,
like I had a couple of thousands up in there. I handed the teller the check. I'm whistlin' and shit. A few minutes later, they're like, “Excuse me, sir, can we talk to you?”

I said, “What's the problem?”

I started to yell and stuff. Then the teller came over and said, “Look, you know you ain't got no money in here. Now just gon' head and go before they call security.”

But you can't run outta there. You gotta walk strong, take long strides, so that in about three steps you at the door and the door is 50 feet away. Then you hit the door, and that's when you sprint out.

When white folks come to see you:

Black people, we don't give a fuck about nobody:

We don't give a fuck.

When you fart, ain't nothing worse than that mean, quiet muthafucka. That means that shit is close like a muthafucka. That's when you lock your ass.

You can piss on yourself and get away with it. But when you shit on yourself, muthafuckas bring that shit up ten years later: “Aw, shit, nigga. Remember when you shitted on yourself? Stanking ass bastard.”

Ain't no fucking difference between black and white people. Stop that old bullshit. Quit saying everything the world tells you to say. Be your own person.

Farrakhan said, “Don't go to work,” and your dumb ass stayed home. You know your lights gettin' ready to get cut the fuck off. Now when they put your ass out, call Farrakhan to come help you move.

White people, man, they don't care about how they look. They got their priorities together. They'll wear the same clothes. They don't give a fuck about how they look. They got their business together. We'll be clean than a sumbitch. And broke. Ain't going no got-damned where, but sharp! Nails done, hair done every day. You see this fucked-up hairdos our women be wearing around here? Chandeliers—high and hard. And when they get their hair done, you ain't getting no pussy. They don't even want no sleep. That shit'll be hard. Black women, when they get their hair done, that shit gotta last. They got it planned. They get their shit done on Thursday, no pussy on Friday or Saturday. You might get some pussy on Wednesday, when they need to get it done again. And you know how you can tell their hair needs doing? It starts itching. They be patting tha muthafucka. You know I
ain't lying. Then they'll get a pencil and start scratching it. What type of shit is this?

We don't give no credit to nobody:

Africans hate our asses. It's bad when you jet black with pink gums. That's ah ugly muthafucka there. And Arabs and shit—we sure be fucking with them. Go in the gas station: “Give me two cigarettes, muthafucka.”

Black folks got a certain look on their face when they got to throw the fuck up. They swallow a lot. And when they get that look like they're smiling—they're about to throw the fuck up on your ass.

Black folks is a trip—come in to the show all late. Orange-ass hat too small. We got white folks in the house, and y'all coming in all late. That's why they be talking about us all the time.

That silent muthafuckin' fart—you can start an argument with that. You and your boy can be as tight as a pair of draws. But let him
pssssssss!
and it get in your mouth: “Man, don't do that bullshit no more, muthafucka! Stanking-ass bitch! Trifling muthafucka!” You get mad as a two-year-old baby. I can't stand them silent muthafuckas. Grown-ass man smelling like pure-dee shit: “What's the matter, muthafucka, your water cut off?” My brother smells like shit. He don't even care; he just get all close to you smelling like dead-ass shit. You know, at first you think maybe they don't know
they stank. They just used to it! Stanking-ass bastards! A musty muthafucka make me sick, too. He know his shit ain't working, but always want to talk with his hands.

We pay our bills when the fuck we're ready. And we ain't gon' pay all of it. The bill $125, we giving you $40. Because we got to smoke. We got to drink. If you don't drink or smoke, black folks think it's something wrong with you. Be on the job not saying nothing for three weeks, on the fourth week they coming at you.

Know you ain't paid no bill, but you gon' argue. You be down at the light place and talking to everybody but who the fuck you're supposed to talk to. The lady right there (behind the counter), but you ain't gon' talk to her.

Certain shit brothers just don't do. How you think they be solving murders and shit like that? Be twenty-something bodies up underneath a house. That ain't no nigga, that ain't no nigga. We too clean. Nigga can't stand a fart. Muthafucka leave a plate on the table and we got a problem. If you stank, we ain't going over your house:

Oh, we'll tell it. We like to eat, but if you cooking and you nasty, we ain't eating shit.

White people be having papers all over their house and shit: “Come on in!” See, we nosy, first thing we do is we're looking around. Don't let us go in the wash room, we are going to open up your medicine cabinet. We're nosy, man!

We'll tell our business when it comes to paying bills.

You can tell when a muthafucka is turned on:
“Ughhhhhhh!”
You ever been in a room full of grown folks watching a porno? I'll put the shit in on purpose—especially if it's old folks around. My auntie and them'll come over. I'll slide the thing in there, and they'll be trying to play like they ain't watching while they're trying to hold a conversation.