I Ain't Scared of You (20 page)

Man, I fucked them old folks up. They about 55, 60. My auntie say, “You so nasty.” Yeah, and you hotter than a muthafucka wasn't you. That grey squirrel poppin', ain't it!

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Us, we're clean, sharp. Ain't going nowhere. Ain't no food in the refrigerator. Kids crying. But we look good. We got to look good—tight jeans, nails, hair all done—hey! That's some meaningful shit to us. White folks be like, “Why does that mean so much?” Because we ain't never had nothing! If you ain't never had nothing, you're always wanting. “Man, I wish I could get a job paying nine dollars an hour.” That was some big shit to us. Nine dollars an hour? Get paid every week? Benefits? Boy, you was somebody. White folks always had good jobs. Man, we ain't never sit in no office. If we could just put on a suit going to work, we thought that was special. You thought you was somebody important. Smiling. That shit meant a lot to you. My point is don't be sad, don't be ashamed of who you are. I ain't ashamed of shit.

My first muthafucking suit I had was a three-piece suit. I wore the pants, my sister wore the vest, my brother wore the jacket. And was proud like a sumbitch.

She try to get you here.

Bitch! If you don't put that microphone up! And while she's singing, she be lookin' at you.

Why you lookin' at me singin' like that? Like I'm next or something.

I'm sick of the bullshit. I'm over my brother's house the other day. My nephew came in the house. He's goin' to jail. He ain't got long, he ain't got long. He ain't no motherfuckin' good.

Bernie with Byron Woods and the Moods.

You know your kids. Quit bullshittin', playing like you don't know your kids. Just like Michael on
Good Times.
You knew he was a sissy!

We don't never say shit about no Chinese. But we sho' laugh at those muh'fuckas everytime we go to they restaurant. Don't you start laughing when they start with that “
Mong-mong-ming-dong-mang-mong”?
You love to hear their asses talkin'.

That's how they name their kids. They get a bunch of silverware, and they throw that shit up in the air. And when it hits the floor—pang-pong-ping-pang—that's what they name their kids.

You don't play with your asshole. I wish a muh'fucka would play with my asshole. What type of shit is this? I don't care how fine you is, you put your finger in my got-damn ass—pow!—I'll break your motherfuckin' jaw. Filthy bitch!

Fuck is wrong with you? You don't play with that asshole, man. You think I'm bullshittin'? When you put your finger in somebody's ass, watch the noises that come out that motherfucka!

You'll be like, “Hey! Hey! Hey!” My wife gon' rub her finger on my ass. I said, “Don't go up in there!” Don't put your hands in my got-damn ass. What type of shit is this?

The type of fart you cut tells what wrong with your got-damn stomach. If you cut one of those mean, heavy farts—
Rrrrrrrrttttt.

When you cut one of those farts like it's tearing your slacks—
Flllrrrrrrrrrfffrrrrttt
—you ate some bad ham or some shit like that.

Black folks like to keep up shit when we wrong like a sumhabitch. Black people the only people go to jobs and swear we run that motherfucka. I know white folks talk about our asses like a dog when they go home.

We always keepin' up some shit on the job. Don't let it be no telephones in that muh'fucka. Shit, we gon' call everybody but who the fuck we supposed to call—and get an attitude when they tell us to get off the phone.

White folks do the same shit we do, they just do shit different. They'll tell creditors to fuck off. “Fuck off!”

You know how creditors call you—like it's their got-damn money.

Ain't that a bitch? Don't they?

I told the motherfucker, “I got motherfuckin' money right got-damn now! Come get it now, sum'bitch! I'm sittin' in the got-damn front! Come get the motherfucker now!”

White folks'll tell 'em in a minute: “Fuck off! I don't have it! Ya can't get blood from a turnip!”

Us? Bills scare the shit outta black people. When the creditors call our house, we'll tell a lie on our got-damn self.

You know you're successful when white folks come to see your ass. Then black folks come in and mess everything up. Show about to start and white folks sitting their with their programs; they done read the muthafucka and everything. White folks is cordial, they respectful. Black folks come in late, their pagers going off.

That's all we hear: black this, white that. The white man this, the black man that. I'm sick of racism. The world ain't all black and white. White, black, Chinese—mixed—that's the way it's supposed to be. We all peoples. But all you hear is white this, black that. If I was Chinese, I'd be mad than a muthafucka: “They don't never say nothin' about me!” But we quick to talk about Chinese when we go to their restaurants: “Gimme a number fourteen, fifteen.” Then they start talking that
“Beyong, yung, yeeng,”
and we kicking each other under the table laughing and shit.

Keep laughing at muthafuckas fixing your food. See what the fuck will happen to you. Chinese come back and feed your ass some cat or dog or some shit. You be barking all fucking night.

Man, don't fuck with your stomach. Your stomach is the most delicate thing on your body. That and your ass. When your stomach is fucked up, you ain't in no shape to do shit. When your stomach is fucked up, you know what you got to do. When you fart, your fart will tell you what you got to do. If you get a fart that go
brrrrr,
your stomach just hurting; that ain't shit. That ain't nothing but some gas. You cut that silent muthafucka, you get a fart that go
pssssss,
you got to shit. When you hear that
psssss,
your ass is wet. Ain't nothing worse than a wet ass. Worst thang a person can do is fart and don't tell you. Especially if you getting ready to talk.

We all the same, ain't nobody different. I'm gon' tell it like it is. Ain't no difference between black and white. We the same fucking people, we all gon' die. White folks the same kind of people we are, we just do shit differently. Black folks, we the only ones go to our job and swear we run that muthafucka. I know white folks talk about us like a dog when they get home: “I'm so fucking tired of these Negroes, I swear.”

Because black folks, you say the shit your got damned self when
you get to the crib. “These brothers make me sick like a mutha-fucka.” Don't let them go on break. White people go on break, you can find them. They sit at their desk and eat their sandwich and drink they fucking tea. When we go on break, that's just what the fuck we do—break. You got to look for those sumbitches.

And don't let it be no telephone on the job. We calling everybody but who we supposed to be calling. We gon' call our whole got damned family. And get mad when they tell us to get off the got damned phone. You'll wait for your supervisor outside.

You know they always talking about black folks are some violent people. Naw, we ain't. Black folks are some loving people. We just talk a lot of shit. We ain't gon' cut nobody up. We'll blow your head off. And cuss you out while we doing it:
Pow!
“Now, muthafucka!” White folks will chop your ass up: “Hold his legs, Joe!” We ain't gon' watch nobody get stabbed no 37 times. We can't handle it. After a few stabs, we're screaming: “You're killing that muthafucka! You're killing him!”

They say black people cuss too much. That's bullshit. White people can do some cussing too, now. Like can't nobody say cock-sucker like white people. That and asshole. You driving on the expressway and cut them off? “Fucking cocksucker!” Everybody got their words. Mexicans got “punto.” Blacks' word is muthafucka. We'll muthafucka you to death. Can't nobody say muthafucka like black people:
muthafucka.
Look at how black people talk. (A muthafucka can be a person, place, or a thing.) You listen to a conversation. You'll hear 15 muthafuckas. And one regular English word. But the sentence make sense like a muthafucka.

You know I ain't lying.

Everybody say this group do this, that group do that. That's all bullshit. They say we fuck all the time. White folks fuck, too. They love to fuck. They on TV more than us, fucking. You see it on those x-rated tapes. (Our tapes be fuzzy and shit.) They just fuck for different reasons. White folks fuck for trust funds, insurance policies. They fuck for inheritance. We fuck for rent. Outfits. Light bills. We got to do what we got to do.

And everybody knows that when you get older, you're supposed to get better. I'll tell you for a fact, I ain't gon' lie. I'm old. I can't fuck like I used to. I'm not in shape. Sex ain't nothing but hard got-damned work, man. Ain't shit but some physical got-damned labor. Just pumping all got-damned night. What the fuck you trying to achieve? Fuck until your heart stop? Bullshit. Forty-five minutes, just fucking. Just fucking. Chest hurting, lips white. My back hurt, and she laying there talking about, “Right there! Ooh, right there!” What the fuck is a “right there”? Bust a nut so we can go to sleep. I'm tired of this shit. I'm old! She talking about, “I want to make it last.”

“Bitch, you don't bust a nut, I'm gon' choke the fuck out of you. You ain't gon' kill me. I'm tired.” You got your fucking clothes everywhere, mattress twisted and shit, pillows sprinkled every got-damned-where. And she sitting there going, “Cheee . . .”

Listen to the words that come out of people's mouth when they're making love. I be busting up because, see, I'm stupid. I'm not well. I be making love, and I'm listening to all those stupid-ass sounds. What the hell is a “Ba-ha-ha-huh”? I'm making love to my wife, and I did my thang and all of a sudden I hear, “Eh-hugh!”
What the fuck is “eh-hugh”? Bust a nut! All that hollering and groaning and shit, I'm tired!

I got a problem. I'm not ashamed to say it. I ain't putting on airs. I'm saying what you're scared to say because you think people ain't gon' like it when you tell the truth. I can't fuck no more. Three minutes. I'm weak. I went to the doctor, I say, “Doctor, something is wrong with me. I ain't the man I used to be!”

I used to be a sex champion. Man, when I got on pussy, I used to fuck the hair off it. Now I'm retired. My shit is on the wall of the hall of fame. I look at it and get mad now. My wife say, “You gon' come on and do something?” I try to find an excuse. “I'm going to Cleveland this week.” Because I can't fuck no more. Three minutes, that's all I'm giving her. That's all I got.

My wife was playing with me in the bed the other day. We was in the bed naked, wrestling. I told her to hurry up. I told her to hurry up. I say, you know I ain't got long. You up here bullshitting. She want to wrestle and play. The next thing you know, I came all on her belly. She cussed my black ass out. I didn't give a fuck. I was asleep. I'm telling you the truth. Sex is hard work, man.

There's a time and place for everything. And women love oral sex. That's just the way it is. All you got to do is say, “Girl, I'll kiss your ass.” Watch what she say: “When?” Don't even know what your name is.