I Do (14 page)

“This is so impossible,” I finally tell them as I flop back onto the sofa and clutch my head as if it's about to explode. “I'm sorry, but there are just too many options here.”

“So what do you suggest?” asks Jenny. “You want to close your eyes and just randomly pick out a few that we can discuss?”

“The problem is, you still don't know what kind of a wedding you're having,” Beanie says, as if she's suddenly become the wedding expert. “You don't know what it's going to be.”

“I know where it's going to be,” I tell her. “And even where the reception will be held.” I've already told them my good news.

“But you don't even know what your dress is going to look like,” says Beanie. She looks over at Jenny. “I can't believe that. I'm not even going with a guy and I totally know what my wedding gown will look like. Well, at least what I'd wear this year.”

“But that's your thing,” I remind her. “I'm not creative like that.”

“But it's your wedding. You must have some idea.” Beanie looks frustrated.

“She's right,” says Jenny. “You must have some idea what kind of wedding you're going for. Like is it going to be traditional, contemporary, creative, or–”

“Yeah, yeah,” I say, waving my hand. “You already read that list from ‘Bride's’ magazine to me, and like I told you, those words just don't really mean anything to–”

“Wait a minute,” says Beanie suddenly. “I think we're going about this all wrong.”

I want to say “duh” but know that would sound pretty immature. So I just wait. And I can almost see the wheels in Beanie's brain spinning.

“Okay, this is what I do when I'm trying to come up with a new design.” She points at me. “Are you willing to do this with me, Caitlin?”

“Sure, whatever.”

“Okay, first just close your eyes.” She looks at Jenny. “Let's all do it. Now just breathe deeply, okay? Really relax and let everything we've been looking at sort of drain out of you. Imagine that you're looking at a perfectly blank canvas and then just breathe deeply.” She pauses for a while, and I do this until I think I have a blank canvas in my mind.

“Now I want you to think about your wedding day. Think about how much you love Josh and how you're going to feel on that day.” She pauses again, and I almost feel as if I'm being hypnotized, but I don't say anything. I just
go with the flow and try to think about that day in June. I imagine the sun shining and how happy I will feel.

“Now think about the location where you and Josh will say your vows. Just imagine the sanctuary, the guests sitting in the pews, the color of the wood and the carpet and the windows…”

And I can see it. I can really see it with flowers and candles, and suddenly I can even see a wedding party up there. It's like a photograph, only maybe a little blurry. But I really think I know what it is now, and I sit up and open my eyes and shout, “I've got it!” which makes Jenny jump–I think maybe she'd fallen asleep.

“What is it?” Beanie demands as she grabs a sketch pad and tosses Jenny a notebook. “Take notes, Jenny. And speak slowly, Caitlin, and use lots of description, okay?”

“It was like a vision,” I begin. “I saw the church like you said, and I saw Josh standing up in front. He had on a simple black tux, not tails, and a white shirt and white rose in his lapel…”

“Good,” says Beanie. “This is good.”

“And the other groomsmen had on similar tuxes, only they had pale pink roses in their lapels. And then I saw the three bridesmaids. All beautiful brunettes with their hair worn up. And they had on pink–”

“Pink?” This comes from Jenny, and she's making a face. “Did you say pink?”

“Shh,” says Beanie. “It's Caitlin's vision. Go on.”

“Yes, the dresses were pink. But they were this beautiful pale shade of pink, and I could tell they were that
heavy kind of satin I like, and they were tea length.” I smile, proud that I noticed this. “The hem came down just a couple of inches above the shoes. They might've been longer in back, but not dragging on the floor. And they were a really simple style–”

“Okay, this is important,” says Beanie. “Be specific.”

“Right. The bodice had kind of a wide-open neck, graceful, you know? And there were straps. No, not straps; it was just the way the bodice was cut. It went to the edges of your shoulders and was sleeveless, like you'd have to wear a strapless bra, do you know what I mean?”

Beanie grabbed a photo of a peach-colored dress with shoulders like that.

“Yes, that's it. And oh yeah, you guys had on pearl necklaces and pearl drop earrings. Very elegant looking. The skirt was kind of A-line and fairly full at the bottom. Not fluffy full, but it wasn't narrow either. It just sort of flowed nicely from the bodice, all in one piece. Maybe they had princess seams, but I'm not sure. But the skirt looked full enough to dance in.”

“I like that,” says Jenny.

“Caitlin, this is great.”

“And the sanctuary looked so beautiful,” I continue. “There were white candles everywhere, and lots of green vinelike things trailing–”

“Like ivy?” suggests Jenny.

“Yes. That was it. And there were a few flowers but only in white and soft shades of pink. They seemed like lilies only smaller; I don't know for sure what they were.”

“And your dress,” Beanie says with enthusiasm. “Tell us about your dress.”

I frown now. “I'm not sure.”

“Didn't you see it?”

“Uh, no, I guess not. I think I was walking down the aisle. But I know that it was white and long.”

Jenny giggles. “Helpful.”

“That's okay, Caitlin. At least we know what the bridesmaids' gowns look like. That's what we really needed to nail tonight.”

After a few minutes, Beanie turns the sketch pad toward me to show a gown that looks exactly as I described. “That's it,” I tell her. “you're amazing.”

“Good job describing it,” says Beanie. “Now what?”

“Well, it sounds as if you're going to be pretty busy in New York,” says Jenny. “You want me to see if I can track down these gowns?”

“That'd be great,” says Beanie. “I'll keep my eyes open too. I'm sure we'll figure it out by June.”

I am so relieved tonight. Okay, maybe I still don't know what my gown will look like. But I know it will be perfect, and I'm not the least bit worried.

Christmas was busy and lovely and romantic. Once again, Josh and I made the circuit, splitting our time between families and even taking time to go see Patty and Bob again. Patty even got us a special Christmas ornament to
commemorate our “engagement” Christmas.

Josh really liked his cuff links and thought the JC initials were very cool. I told him my idea for having this on our wedding bands too. And he gave me a beautiful heart-shaped silver locket.

“I know you have that one from your dad, supporting your abstinence pledge,” he said quickly. “And this isn't meant to replace it. But I guess I wanted you to have one from me as well.”

The locket was engraved with “My Love Forever, Josh” on the back, and on the inside he'd put a tiny photograph of himself on one side and one of Jesus on the other. “I guess you have room for two men in your life.”

I smiled and hugged him. “This is the best Christmas ever.”

And it was. But then Christmas was over, and suddenly both Josh's mother and mine decided to go on the wedding warpath. Okay, maybe it wasn't exactly a warpath, because it seemed the two women were in cahoots. But it's like they thought they were going to get everything nailed before I went back to school.

Consequently, I have spent way too much time at florist shops and bakeries. I've seen the latest in men's formal wear and tried on enough veils to last a lifetime. But I know I'm a disappointment to both mothers since no real decisions were made.

Well, other than the tuxes. I did pick out a couple that looked like what I'd seen in my “wedding vision.” And although Joy preferred the more formal evening-wear
styles with tails–and I think she might've even gone for top hats and canes (okay, that's an exaggeration)–I tried to convince her that these would be more fitting with the bridesmaids' gowns.

“You've picked them out?” she said with surprise.

“Not exactly. But we nailed what they're going to look like, and Jenny and Beanie will be on the lookout.”

Then she insisted I describe them to her, and as soon as I said the word “pink,” she shuddered. “Surely, you don't want pink, Caitlin.”

We had paused for a cup of coffee at this point, and my mother sat across from me suppressing a smile, since we'd already had the “pink discussion” too. So without saying anything I just nodded.

“But pink is so, so…” I could tell she was trying to pick a polite word. “Well, cliché.”

Cliché? Now I hadn't heard that one yet. At least she hadn't said “infantile” or “childish” or even “Barbie,” which was Chloe's first reaction. She's always made it clear that she's not a “pink” sort of girl.

“What about Pink the rock star,” I reminded her, which made her laugh.

“Yeah, she's cool,” she admitted.

But back to cliché. “What do you mean cliché?” I asked politely.

“Well, it used to be either pink or blue,” she explained. “So predictable.”

And So I attempted to explain my vision for pale pink, and after a bit, she finally got it too.

“That actually sounds rather elegant. Not at all what I was imagining.”

I smiled. “Were you seeing bubble-gum pink with fluffy dresses and puffed sleeves?”

She seemed slightly embarrassed. “Yes, I suppose it was a bit like that.”

Finally this week had come to a blessed end, and I'm so glad I can go back to school and focus my attention on things like classes and assignments and tests. All much less complicated than wedding plans. I wonder if there's some way a person can get college credits for planning a wedding. It certainly is a learning experience, not to mention draining.

Josh and I got all dressed up, then went to this fancy dinner were we had a romantic, candlelit New Year's Eve dinner, cozying up in front of a fireplace and–NOT. Okay, a girl can imagine.

The truth is, we spent a crazy New Year's Eve with a bunch of hormonal high school students at the local roller-skating rink. Actually, it was fun. Josh had organized the event and it was limited to just our youth group kids. It was a way for high school kids to have fun in a somewhat controlled and alcohol-free environment. To get in, they had to have high school ID and be dressed like people from the fifties. Okay, for some of the guys it was just wearing a white T-shirt with their
sleeves and jeans rolled up. Like, what's up with that? But some of the girls went all out with poodle skirts and ponytails and all sorts of cool stuff.

I had a definite advantage since I'm still house-sitting for my grandma, and she has a trunk full of funky clothes from the fifties. I couldn't believe it when I found what I'm guessing was a prom or bridesmaid dress–the kind that Josh's mom had been imagining I was having in my wedding. It was kind of this sick-looking Pepto-Bismol pink, with all these ruffles and a huge skirt with layers of netting to hold it out. (Although they'd gotten pretty limp over the years.)

But I also found some hilarious pieces of costume jewelry–we're talking major rhinestones–and this funny little pink hat with a net that comes over your eyes. I'm sure they were never meant to go together. But I put them all on, then sneaked into Grandma's makeup and found this red lipstick called Fire-rod, and believe me it was. And I was quite a sight to see. Josh practically split a gut when he picked me up. He was driving the church van and already had a load of kids in the back.

And okay, I know I'm a little old for this, but I had a total blast hanging with these high school kids. Even Chloe, Allie, and Laura were there–dressed like the Supremes (although Laura's the only one who could really pull it off), and they even did a couple of numbers that were pretty convincing. It was a hoot. I don't know when I've had so much fun. Maybe back in high school. But it was a good reminder that we need to laugh and not
take life so seriously. I actually felt sorry for Jenny and Beanie since they were at an “adult” New Year's Eve party at Jenny's parents' house. Boring!

When midnight came around and we were all skating to some romantic, crooning fifties tune with the sparkling lights from a mirrored ball spinning all around us, Josh caught up with me. And the next thing I knew, we were kissing on wheels. Now I ask you, how many girls can brag about that?

It's great to be back
into the normal routine of school again. I can't believe I'm saying that. But I guess since I got engaged, it feels more and more like my life's been turned upside down. Now, I'm not complaining. But it just feels as though I'm getting pulled in a lot of different directions. I'm glad this is my senior year. I couldn't imagine going through all this any earlier in the game. It would've been too much too soon. At least for me.

The night before I left home to return to school, my parents came over to my grandma's house to visit. Still practicing, I'd even baked an apple pie, and it wasn't too bad; although I think the crust was a little tough. Anyway, my dad said it was delicious, and my mom suggested I use more shortening next time. Then just as they were getting ready to go, my dad handed me something.

“What's this?” I asked as I looked at the small book.

“It's your wedding account.”

“We thought you should keep track of your expenses,” said Mom.

“We know you're good at maintaining a budget,” he said.

My mom smiled. “And it's less confusing this way.”

“I wish there was more in it.” My dad sighed. “But it's the best we can do right now.”

“Did you do the refinance?” I felt terrible, as if I'm the reason my parents are getting in over their heads.

“Yes. But don't you worry. It's the best thing we've ever done. Our interest rate is lower, and our monthly bills have been reduced so much that we're actually saving money.”