I Hate Everyone...Starting With Me (19 page)

I hate that there are 800 trillion people in Russia and they only have seven names to work with.
Alexi, Sergei, Vladimir, Nicolai, Boris, Viktor and Mikhail. If you think I’m wrong try and name thirty Russians who are not named that. Yes, yes, every now and then you’ll find a Leonid or Ruslan, but those are novelty names; they’re the Lashonda and Laquisha of Russia. And by the way, I say “Russia,” not “the former Soviet Union.” Who am I, Tom fucking Brokaw?

I hate that we can name dogs based on their appearance but we can’t do the same with people.
A lot of dogs are named for their physical
characteristics. My friend has a chocolate Lab named Cocoa. Another friend has a white Samoyed named Snowball. My neighbor has a Dalmatian named Spot. And the guy across the street has a hairless Chihuahua named Marc Anthony.

I think people should be named the same way we name our dogs. It would make life a lot simpler. Let’s say you’re at Sotheby’s for an auction (I was there for the Elizabeth Taylor jewelry sale. Screw the Krupp Diamond, I was in awe of the pearl earrings shaped like gravy boats), and you run into a guy you know you’ve met before but you can’t remember who the fuck he is. If you’re with friends, you can work out a system where they cover you by introducing themselves so you don’t have to stall while you’re trying to remember his name so you don’t look like a schmuck. That’s an awful lot of work just to be gracious to someone you don’t give a shit about. However, if his parents had the decency to name him the same way they named their pets
you
wouldn’t be in an awkward position, and instead of having that uncomfortable “Geez, I think I met him in Cleveland and his name might be Frank” moment, you’d be able to walk up and say, “Hello, Lazy Eye, it’s so nice to see you again!”

If we can say, “These are my dogs, Fluffy, Curly, Brownie and Whitey,” then shouldn’t we be able to say, “These are my children, Backfat, Lardass, Pockmarks and Clubfoot”?

I love gangster nicknames.
And I say that because if I say I hate them I’m afraid I’ll wind up in the trunk of a Buick and I’ll have spent thirty million dollars on Botox for nothing.

I remember turning on the TV and hearing about “Lucky” Luciano, and I thought,
The man spent thirty years in prison, was shot in the face and had a droopy eye… What kind of luck is that?
And then there was George “Pretty Boy” Floyd, who compared to Al Capone was pretty, but compared to Brad Pitt was an absolute dog. Also back in the day there was Al Capone, who was called “Scarface,” which is ironic, because today that’s what we call Jocelyn Wildenstein.

In the beginning John Gotti was known as the “Teflon Don,” because no crimes he committed ever stuck to him, but then he went to jail for life. I wonder if he then became known as “The Guy Who Forgot to Use Pam?”

My favorite was the famous Jewish mobster, Israel Alderman, who was called “Ice Pick Willie.” He could murder someone
and
help with catering at the same time. Perfect.

New York is called “The Empire State” because of its wealth and diversity. I always thought it was named for Empire Szechuan on Columbus Avenue, but what do I know? Anyway, there are a lot better nicknames for New York than “The Empire State.” In fact, there are better, more thoughtful names for every state than the ones they actually have.…

Should be called

The Room Temperature I.Q. State

or

The Dull-Normal State

or

The Everybody Has Grandpa’s Eyes State

Should be called

The July 11th and The Rest Is Winter State

Or

The Let’s Gun Down Dinner State

Or

The Elk Don’t Have a Fuckin’ Chance State

Should be called

The Early-Bird Special State

or

The Get Your Kids Off My Lawn State

or

The Let’s Lock Up Mexicans State

or

The Land of Old Asthmatics State

Should be called

The Airborne Virus State

or

The Hillary’s Considered Pretty Here State

or

The Mouth-Breathers State

Should be called

The Governor Diddled the Cleaning Lady State

or

The State That’s Pulled So Tight San Diego Is Now North of Los Angeles State

Should be called

The Lots and Lots of White People State

or

The Altitude Is Better Than Crack State

or

The John Denver Loved Us but Who Gives a Fuck Now That He’s Dead State

Should be called

The Gateway to More Interesting States

or

The Would You Like Butter on Your Pastrami Sandwich? State

Should be called

The There’s Nothing Here So Leave Us Alone State

or

The Desperately in Need of a Makeover State

Should be called

The I Have a Coupon State

or

The White Trash and
Altacocker
State

or

The Shaped Like an Uncut Penis State

or

Land of a Million AARP Members

Should be called

The We Miss Slavery State

or

The If You Think We’re Stupid, Try Alabama State

or

The Home of the 3 Rs: Readin’, ’Ritin and Racism

Should be called

The Kenya of the Pacific

or

The It’s Prettier on Postcards State

or

The Welcome Lepers, We’re Willing to Chance It State

Should be called

The Even Iowa Makes Fun of Us State

or

The Other White Supremacist State

or

The If We’re the Gem State, Why Is the Bedazzler So Popular Here? State

Should be called

The Lincoln Was Definitely a Homo State

or

The Prairie Life Sucks State

or

The Chicago and Not Much Else State

Should be called

The Even We Don’t Know What a Hoosier Is State

or

The Indy 500 and 364 Days of Boring State

Should be called

The Drive Through Us Sometime State

or

The Now with Three Black People State

or

The Even Buddhists Are Bored Shitless State

Should be called

The Attention Homos: Dorothy’s from Here State

or

The Wizard of Blahs State

or

The We Haven’t Had a Good Mass Murder Since the Clutter Family in ’59 State

Should be called

A Yawner After the Kentucky Derby State

or

The It’s OK to Whip a Darkie on the Porch State

or

The It’s Not Bluegrass, You’re Just Really High State

Should be called

The State That FEMA Forgot

or

The Land of Floating Poor People

or

The Tryin’ to Pass Off Cajun and Creole as English State

or

The Enough with Jazz, Learn a Fucking Melody Already State

Should be called

The Nova Scotia with Dockers State

or

The So Creepy Even Stephen King Gets Scared State

or

The More Old Lesbians Than Wisconsin State

Should be called

The Guess Why They’re Called Balti
moron
s State

or

The, Except for Courtney Love, Best Place to Catch Crabs State

or

The Francis Scott Key Wrote the National Anthem Here as Well as Its Little Known B-Side, “Baby Got Back” State

Should be called

The Birthplace of Freedom and a Million Kennedys State

or

The Nobody Understands Our Fucking Accent State

or

The Paul Revere Yelled, “The British Are Coming” and Then Went to P-Town and Added “In My Mouth” State

Should be called

The Who
Isn’t
Unemployed? State

or

The Always Whining About Something State

or

The It Was Even Too Skanky for Madonna State

Should be called

The Land of 10,000 Lakes and 100,000 Hunting Accidents

or

The Cold as a Motherfucker State

or

Minnesota: The Much Better on Paper State

Should be called

The Stereotype Is
Totally
True State

or

The We Is Not Dumb State

or

The State That Got Held Back a Year

or

The Land of 500 Teeth

Should be called

The I Showed It to You—and My Case Comes Up Tuesday—State

or

The Keeping Kansas from Seeping into the Smarter States State

or

The It’s Still 1953 State

Should be called

The Now with Basic Cable! State

or

The Almost Fully Lit State

or

The What’s the Point, Really? State

Should be called

The Cheap, Unskilled Labor State

or

The Flatter Than Kate Moss’s Chest State

or

The Barely Worth Two Choices in this Chapter State

Should be called

The Slots and Sluts State

or

The Land of the Losers

or

The Roy Got Eaten by a Tiger but Siegfried’s Still Okay State

Should be called

The Live Free or Suck My Dick State

or

The Home of Husky Women State

or

A Little Slice of Stupid State

Should be called

The Where the Bodies Are Buried State

or

The Toll Booth State

or

The Stinkiest State in the Whole USA

Should be called

The Almost as Successful as New Coke State

or

Only Slightly Better Than the Real Mexico

or

The Abandoned Teepees and Cheap Turquoise State

Should be called

The Crack Whore State

or

The More Jews Than Israel State

or

The We Finance All Those Red States State

Should be called

The Could Somebody Explain What a Tar Heel Is? State

or

The First in Aviation, Last in Edgeecation State

or

The It Ain’t Inbreedin’ If They’re Livestock State

Should be called

The Fetal Alcohol Syndrome State

or

The South Dakota of the North

or

Not Quite Canada

Should be called

The Mistake on the Lake

or

The Rubber Capital of America If You Don’t Count Snooki’s Vagina State

Should be called

The Sooner I’m Out of Here the Better State

Should be called

The Should Be Nice, Once It’s Finished State

or

The Not Only Is Assisted Suicide Legal, We’ll Help You Write the Note—Especially If You’re from Alabama State

or

Whatever

Should be called

The Our Football Coaches Put the Man in Boys State

or

The Our Two Biggest Cities Are Shitholes State

or

The QVC State