I Hear...Love (A Different Road #2) (17 page)

God, I wish he’d never let me go. I need his arms around me like the air that I breathe. He’s my safe haven. He’s my calm shelter in my chaotic mind. After this hug, he’ll be gone forever and I fear I’ll never find anyone who sees me for who I am. That thought tears my heart out and only makes me cry harder. Cooper holds me tighter as my whole body trembles with my tears.

“I’m not going to let you go,” he says. “God, Kate, I’m never letting you go. River is wrong. Shh, don’t cry. I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere,” he says, squeezing my shoulders. “I’ve got you. I’m not leaving, and you don’t have to leave either. You don’t have to go back to the pool house. You can stay with me tonight, tomorrow night, the night after that, or for the rest of your life, if that’s what it takes,” he says.

I hear his words and they’re conflicting with what my mind is saying he should be saying.

“What?” I say and stop crying, then pull slightly away to look at him.

He searches my eyes, then I see it. That look in his eyes isn’t the look of him letting me go. Behind the initial fear of what River said, is him believing in me wholeheartedly. He’s looking at me, and he sees right through to my soul and he believes in me.

“Kate, I’m not letting you go because of what River said. I think he’s wrong about you. I’ve seen your strength and determination. I won’t lie. I think we need to proceed with caution, but with your therapy, medication, Sadie, yoga, and straight up sheer determination, I believe you can handle anything, including us.”

I smile at him, then pull him back into my arms. He’s not letting me go. None of what River said, scared him enough to run away from me. Despite everything he said, Cooper still believes in me. More importantly, I believe in me, and I believe in that now more than anything. I know staying with Cooper isn’t the right thing to do for our relationship at the moment. I’m not sure what River is going to do, though, when I tell him that we’re going to keep seeing each other.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks, brushing my hair away from my forehead.

“I love being here with you and Sadie, and I really appreciate the offer to stay here, believe me, more than you know, but I need to do the right thing. I need to go home and talk to River. He needs to realize that I’m not a kid making bad decisions anymore, and that I’ve changed. He needs to hear it with his own stubborn ears that I’m not backing down. Nothing he can do or say will change the fact that he can’t make my decisions for me, no matter what a judge or a piece of paper says. He can’t stop my heart from falling in love,” I say, then clamp my mouth shut.

He pulls slightly away, looks me in my eyes, then smiles. “I hear you, I see you, and I feel the same way. So, what are you going to do?”

“I think I’m going to go take a walk on the beach to cool down a little bit and do some thinking. Then, with a clear mind and a peaceful heart, I’m going to go talk to River. I’m going to sit him down and make him hear me. If he doesn’t listen, then I have some tough decisions to make,” I tell him.

“Did you want me to come with you?” he asks.

“Thank you, but no, I need to do this by myself,” I answer.

“Alright, but don’t go down to the beach by yourself, take Sadie with you. You can bring her back before you talk to River. Plus, that way I can see you again and give you another hug before you go over there. OK?” he says, running his finger down my cheek.

“OK,” I tell him with a nod. “Come on Sadie, let’s go for a walk,” I tell her.

She bounces up and down on her front legs with excitement, then rushes to the back door and squishes her nose against the glass. There’s nothing prettier than dog nose art on a glass door.

I take her leash off the hook, then Cooper gives me a kiss and squeezes my hand, as I head out the door.

Sadie and I walk side by side down to the beach, then we stand at the shoreline. I unleash her and toss it on the sand, then wrap my arms around my stomach. To my surprise, Sadie doesn’t run off to play with the birds. Instead, she leans her weight against my ankle, letting me know she’s there. I tip my head up to the warm setting sun and close my eyes. My skin still feels like it’s on fire. I’m still hot and sweaty from crying so hard, listening to the ugly, vile things River said. I take a few steps into the water and the cool waves gently wrap around my ankles, cooling my skin. Sadie follows me in and sits at my feet again. Her nose comes up, then she slides it into my hand and rests her head on my thigh.

I pet her head as I listen to the wind sing and the birds serenade in flight. For the first time, I actually hear their beauty. At the moment, my mind is completely free. My thoughts are clear of the garbage and I have a calmness over my entire body, and I enjoy the silence.

I smile up at the dark clouds and listen to the waves crash against the large boulders. It’s a beautiful noise. I take a deep breath and smell the fresh smell of rain in the distance, and I cherish the rare moment of clarity. I have a feeling this is just one of many to come. My skin is still just so hot, though. It feels like lava is coursing through my veins. I take a few more steps into the water until I’m knee deep, then I stop. I bend forward and take an armful of water, and splash it onto my neck and chest. Sadie barks at me from behind, it’s too deep for her to stay standing by my side.

I look at Sadie, then back up at the dark grey sky and horizon. There’s definitely a bad storm moving in. I hope there will be thunder.

I turn around and smile at Sadie a few feet behind me and say, “OK girl, let’s get you home.”

I lift my foot, turn around, and take a step when a large, silent wall of water hits me from behind and knocks me off my feet. I immediately get pushed under water as the large wave buries me. I start to panic and swallow a large mouth full of salty water, as the current swirls around my body and pulls me farther away from Sadie. I pop back up to the choppy surface, only to be slammed down by another fierce wave and taken deep back under the dark, murky water. When I come to the surface again, I panic more when I realize I can no longer touch the bottom with my feet, and then I realize just how far I’ve been taken out. I wildly flail my arms and kick my legs, to try and stay above the surface. I swallow and choke on the endless fall of water that repeatedly washes over my head.

I can’t swim.

I never could.

As a child, that’s how River and Stephen used to get rid of me, by swimming. When I did go in the water, I used to put on a big show and try to make them think I could swim. I’d always end up in the shallow end, while they played in the deep end by themselves.

I desperately thrash my arms and legs to stay above the surface again, as I choke on the choppy water rushing around my face.

The waves are just too big and too strong. I try to dog-paddle back to shore, but the harder I try, the farther out the current takes me. I hear Sadie barking frantically at me in the distance. In between going under, I see her trying to swim toward me. The waves are just too strong and I’m too far away from her to reach me.

The tide brings me closer and closer to the set of large boulders. The water tosses my body around like a feather in a washing machine. Another huge wave comes in and crashes my shoulder into a boulder, and I feel it crack inside my body. I let out a loud scream as pain shoots down my body. I choke on more water and desperately try to grab on to the slippery, moss-covered rocks. If I can grab one, maybe I can cling to it and wait for someone to help me. Each razor-sharp rock I grab slices and shreds my hands, but through the pain, I try with all my strength to save myself.

Wave after wave, I’m pummeled into the rocks, and I swallow more salty water and gasp for air. Each time I go under it feels like Satan himself is reaching up from hell, pulling and holding me under water.

A larger wave hits me from behind and knocks my head into a rock. Everything temporarily goes dark, then I feel fuzzy, and my vision turns blurry. The surf lightens just a little and the current pulls me away from the rocks, but farther out to sea. I look at the disappearing shoreline and I realize it’s hopeless.

I fight for what seems like hours to stay above water. Hurt, exhausted, out of breath, tired, and no longer able to fight, I calm myself. I roll over on my back and try to stay afloat. Just as quick as the violent storm moved in, it stops. My body floats farther out to sea like a limp rag doll. All is eerily calm. There’s not even a ripple on the water surface. As I look up at the beautiful, clear night sky, the twinkling stars peek out from the dissipating dark, angry clouds.

I start to softly sing the words to Itsy Bitsy Spider.

It doesn’t seem fair that after everything I’ve been through, this is how my life will end. I survived a horrific car accident, and was left with the guilt of my parents’ deaths and River’s blindness. For years afterward I fought with my worthlessness and the need to commit suicide. Finally giving in to my demons, I attempted to end my life. Despite everything, I finally got the help I needed, I fought my depression and finally came out on the other side. So many years of my life I pushed everyone away, only to realize that family and love is everything. It’s an essential key to life and happiness.

Now I’m all alone again.

Everything I’ve triumphed over, all my demons, I persevered. My only regret is that I wish River could have seen how far I’ve come.

I didn’t think it was possible for anyone to love me for my past and for all that I am. Then Cooper and Sadie came into my life. But why? Only to tear them both away from me at the last second. How is that fair to Cooper?

I’m just so tired. My arms and legs are heavy, and so, so cold. I have no more strength left to keep fighting. A small lap of water washes over my face and I sink down several feet into the deep water. With my last ounce of strength, I will myself back to the surface. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

I look back up at the stars and concentrate on taking my next breath. Between breaths, I hear the sound of glorious thunder rumble in the distance. I listen to the thunder and let it fill my thoughts, instead of the fear of my mortality.

I make peace with the fact that this is how my life will end. This, after everything I’ve done, is how I will die. I take comfort in knowing that it isn’t by my own hand.

I think about Cooper and Sadie, and I don’t know if it’s starting to rain again or if I’m crying, but I’m deeply sad not to find out where our lives would have gone together. I honestly love him. I wish I would have said those words to him when I had the chance. I think about River, and I sincerely regret everything I’ve put him through. He’s wrong about me though, but I forgive him for how he’s acted these past few weeks, he was only doing what he thought was best for me.

I think about Stephen and if I have one prayer left, I pray for peace for him. I pray he finds what he needs to make peace with his demons.

Slowly, I take one final breath. Unable to fight, water covers my face and I start to sink down into the dark abyss. My body effortlessly sinks, as I’m pulled down deeper and deeper by the current. I open my eyes and I see a bright star streak across the clear black sky. I close my eyes once again, and I make a wish. I wish to feel River’s warm hand in mine one last time. I open my eyes and even in the murky, deep water, I see River’s hand reaching down into the water. With a smile on my face, I slowly reach upward toward the heavens and I take his hand. His fingers lace through mine and peace fills my soul.

My lungs burn for air. No longer able to avoid the inevitable, my body demands air.

I breathe in through my nose.

Instead of fresh, clean air, my lungs fill with salty sea water.