I Kissed Dating Goodbye (10 page)

husband, perhaps the whole nation, would discover her and David's impropriety. In haste and panic, David attempted to cover up the sin, but his attempts failed. Fearing certain scandal, David signed a letter that sealed the death of Bathsheba's husband, oi^ of David's most loyal soldiers.

The psalmist was now a murderer.

How dici David, this man after God's own heart, become an adulterer and murderer? When did he cross the line of purity? Was it the irioment he touched Bathsheba or when he kissed her? Did it Happen the moment he saw her bathing and chose to watch instead of turn away? Where did purity end and

impurity bein?

As you can see from David's story, impurity isn't something we step intc? suddenly. It happens when we lose our focus on God. Often in dating relationships, impurity starts long before the moments of passion in back seats. Instead it begins in our

the direction of purity 91 hearts, in our motivations and attitudes. "I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart," Jesus plainly states (matthew 5:28). Sin begins in our minds and hearts.

We have to understand purity as a pursuit of righteousness. When we view it merely as a line, what keeps us from going as close as we can to the edge? If sex is the line, what's the difference between holding someone's hand and making out with that person? If kissing is the line, what's the difference between a goodnight peck and fifteen minutes of passionate lip-lock?

If we truly want to pursue purity, then we need to point ourselves in God's direction. We cannot simultaneously explore the boundaries of purity and pursue righteousness--they point us in opposite directions. True purity flees as fast and as far as it can from sin and compromise.

heart and path

If we want to lead pure lives, then we must realize that purity does not happen by accident. Rather, we must constantly pursue the direction of purity. The Book of Proverbs shows us that this ongoing process involves two things--our hearts and our

joshua harris

Throughout history she has crippled the righteous. "Her house," the Bible solemnly warns, "is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death" (proverbs 7:27). No matter how good impurity's victims may be, or how holy they've been in the past, if they set foot in her house, they speed toward death on an expressway with no exits. Have you ever made a wrong turn onto a freeway only to find you must travel many miles before you can get off to turn around? If so, you've probably felt the aggravation of your mistake. You can't slow down; you can't turn around; you can only continue speeding farther and farther from your destination. How many Christians in dating relationships have felt the same way as they struggle with accelerating physical involvement? They want to exit, but their own sinful passion takes them further and further from God's will.

How do you avoid the "on ramp" of impurity? How do you escape the spirit of adultery? Here's the answer: "Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths" (proverbs 7:25). Living a pure life before God requires the teamwork of your heart and your feet. The direction of purity begins within; you must support it in practical everyday decisions of where, when, and with whom you choose to be. Many couples have made commitments to sexual purity, but instead of adopting a lifestyle that supports this commitment, they continue relationships that encourage physical expression and place themselves in dangerous settings. The path you take with your feet should never contradict the conviction of your heart.

purity in action

If we desire purity, we have to fight for it. This means adjusting our attitudes and changing our

1. Respect the deep significance of physical intimacy. We will never understand God's demand for sexual purity until we appreciate the deep spiritual and emotional implications of physical intimacy.

Many non-Christians view sex as a bodily function on the level of scratching another person's back. They engage in sex whenever and with whomever they want. While this lifestyle is an affront to biblical values, many Christians treat lesser expressions of physical intimacy with the same lack of respect. They view kissing, holding, or fondling another person as no big deal. While we may hold higher standards than our pagan neighbors, I'm afraid we, too, have lost sight of the deeper significance of sexual intimacy.

"Men tend to see the physical as more of an experience," a good female friend once told me. A girl's point of view is very different, she explained. "Kissing and "making out" mean something very precious and deep to a woman," she said. "It is our way of giving our trust, our love, our heart to the man we love. It leaves us very vulnerable."

Physical intimacy is much more than two bodies colliding. God designed our sexuality as a physical expression of the oneness of marriage. God guards it carefully and places many stipulations on it because He considers it extremely precious. A man and woman who commit their lives to each other in marriage gain the right to express themselves sexually to each other. A husband and wife may enjoy each others bodies because they in essence belong to each other. But if you're not married to someone, you have no claim on that persons body, no right to sexual intimacy.

94 joshua harris

Maybe you agree with this and plan to save sex for marriage. But in your opinion, you view "making out" activities such as kissing, necking, and fondling as no big deal. But we need to ask ourselves a serious question. If another person's body doesn't belong to us (that is, we're not married), what right do we have to treat the people we date any differently than a married person would treat someone who wasn't his or

God has a very different view. "Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband," He commands (hebrews 13:4, The Message).

This honor for the sacredness of sexuality between husband and wife starts now, not just after the wedding day. Respect for the institution of marriage should motivate us to protect it from violation while we're single. We can do this by recognizing the deep significance of sexual intimacy--at any level--and refusing to steall these privileges before marriage.

2. Set your standards too high.

In the early days of his ministry Billy Graham experienced deep concern over the public's distrust of evangelists. How could he preach the gospel to people who assumed he was a fake? As he consideredl this question, he realized that most people who distrusted evangelists did so because those evangelists lacked integrity, particularly in the area of sexuality. To combat this, he and the close circle of men who ran the crusades avoided opportunities to be alone with women who weren't their wives.

the direction of purity 95

Think about this for a moment. What an inconvenience! Did these men really fear that they'd commit adultery the moment they found themselves alone with a woman? Weren't they going a little too far?

We'll let history answer the question for us. In the last fifty years, what has shaken and demoralized the church as much as the immorality of Christian leaders? What believer can hold his head high when the scandalous conduct of many televangelists is mentioned? But even unbelievers honor the name of Billy Graham. Mr. Graham has earned the respect of the world by his faithfulness and his integrity. How did Billy Graham do this when so many others failed? He set his standards too high--he went above and beyond the call of righteousness.

We can only attain righteousness by doing two

For couples moving toward engagement or those already engaged, the same principle applies. Set your standards higher

joshua harris than you need to. Cut off sin at its root. Until you're married-- and I mean until you've walked down that aisle and exchanged vows--don't act as if your bodies belong to each other.

Maybe you think I'm taking this idea too far. Maybe you're saying, "You've got to be joking. One little kiss won't have me hurtling toward certain sin." Let me encourage you to give this idea a little more thought. For just a moment, consider the possibility that even the most innocent form of sexual expression outside of marriage could be dangerous.

Let me explain why I believe this.

Physical interaction encourages us to start something we're not supposed to finish, awakening desires we're not allowed to consummate, turning on passions we have to turn off. What foolishness! The Bible tells us the path of sin, particularly in regard to the wrong use of our sexuality, is like a highway to the grave. We shouldn't get on it then try to stop before we arrive at the destination--God tells us to stay off that highway completely.

God designed our sexuality to operate within the protection and commitment of marriage. God made

the direction of purity 97 we begin the progression of sin and allow it to continue, it wiUs soon grow beyond our control. Only by keeping our standards too high and killing sin in its infantile stage will we avoid its destruction.

Set your standards too high. You will never regret purity.

3. Make the purity of others a priority. One of the best ways to maintain a pure life is to watch out for

the purity of others. What can you do to protect your brothers

and sisters in the Lord from impurity? What can you say to

encourage them to keep their hearts set in the direction of

righteousness?

The support and protection you can provide to same-sex friends is important, but the protection you can give to opposite sex friends is invaluable. When it comes to purity in relationships --both physical and emotional--girls and guys usually trip each other up. Can you imagine the righteousness that could be born if both sexes took it upon themselves to watch out for each other?

Let's look at specific ways this can be accomplished.

The Guy's Responsibility

Guys, it's time we stood up to defend the honor and righteousness of our sisters. We need to stop