I Promise You This (Love in Provence Book 3) (9 page)

James looked away and continued, his voice wavering. “I have really beaten myself up about it. Had to go to counseling. Knew I had to do this, to apologize directly to you. I’m sure you can’t forgive me, but I hope you will accept my apology.”

“You’re right. I will never forgive you. But I will accept your apology.” She tossed the ball back to him, realizing she wanted him to squirm. She knew she was behaving out of character, but it felt right. In fact, it felt good.

“I don’t know what else to say. Whatever was going on, there’s no excuse for the way I handled things.” And again he repeated, his voice catching, “I . . . I am just so incredibly sorry.”

Katherine knew he meant it. How couldn’t he? They had shared a life for almost thirty years. Twenty-two of them married. She could tell he meant it, and she was well aware it was hard for him to be humble. He was never one to admit wrongdoing.

She found her voice. Her eyes never left his face. He lowered his often. The more she spoke, the stronger she felt.

“There’s no denying the pain you caused me, from the shock of it all, from the deceit, from the obvious lying that had gone on, from the breach of trust, from the disrespect. All of that I will never forgive . . .”

His face flinched and he looked past her.

She wasn’t through yet. “But things work out in the most unexpected ways sometimes. I have a life now in which I am happier than I ever could have imagined. I’ve discovered things about myself that never had a chance to surface in my life with you. Important things . . .” She paused.

His voice betrayed his inability to process what she had just said. He blinked rapidly as he unclasped his hands and wiped them on his thighs. “I called your house a while back and Lucy was there. She told me you were living in France.”

“Yes, I am.”

“I bumped into her at the courthouse last week. You remember her cousin was involved in that gangland slaying . . .”

Kat nodded. James continued to speak quickly, as if out of control.

“And it’s still going on. Crazy business. She told me about Molly. That’s when I called your place and left the message. I figured you’d be back. I’m sorry about Molly. How is she?”

“Not in great shape. It was a very serious accident but she is slowly recovering.”

“That’s good. I was sorry to see the obituary when your mother died last year. I wanted to call but then thought perhaps I shouldn’t. I’m sure you miss her. I’m really sorry . . . sorry about everything . . .”

“Yes, I do miss her. But again, those months I had with her before she died were meaningful and special. That wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t left.”

James looked at her. A slight frown appeared on his face. Katherine knew her strength was throwing him off kilter. He was accustomed to being in control and dominating any conversation with her.

Katherine continued, feeling on a bit of a roll: “In fact, nothing that is in my life now would have happened if you hadn’t walked out on me.”

It occurred to her that it would be nice of her to ask how he was. To ask how he enjoyed being a parent. But she knew she didn’t want to be that nice to him. Besides, she thought, she might end up asking him if he ever thought about how he had denied her that role.
What’s past is past
, she reminded herself.

James began speaking rapidly again. “I want you to know I value the years we had together, Kat. You were a good wife. We had some good times. I have a lot of happy memories that I won’t forget. I’m sorry I hurt you the way I did . . . I truly am.”

She gave a curt nod, not missing a beat. “We did have some good times, you’re right. In fact, I had no idea how much was missing from our marriage until I was on my own and discovered there was so much more to life, that there was so much more to me.”

James stared down at his hands. His face was pale and there was an air of defeat about him. His voice was hoarse as he spoke. “I’m glad you’re happy. There are times I wish I could take it all back and never have had all this happen.”

Kat said nothing but was reminded of his controlling ways.
How dare he say this! Not just about my life, but what about his new wife and child? What does this say about his commitment to those relationships?

She did not want anything taken back. She had dealt with the hurt and come out in a better place. He had lied to her. He had deceived her. Blatantly. All the while telling her he loved her. She did not want to hear how his life was. She realized she truly did not care.

He shifted awkwardly in his chair when Katherine said nothing in reply. James cleared his throat before speaking again. “So . . . I guess that’s it, then. Thanks for giving me the chance to apologize. It means a great deal to me.”

Katherine stood up and James followed, looking a little surprised that their conversation was over.

Looking across the table at him, she felt a certain calm come over her. With some inner surprise she heard her voice tell him, “I appreciate your apologies. You should be ashamed of how you behaved and the way you left. Life works in mysterious ways, and if it makes you feel better, I have never been more content than I am now with the life I have and the future that awaits me. I wish you all the best with yours.”

She held out her hand and he shook it. He was never a hugger, but she could feel that was what he was looking for now. It happened quickly, and she stiffened as he put his arms awkwardly around her. Hers hung limply at her side.

In that moment Katherine knew she was saying good-bye. Good-bye to her past with him. Good-bye to all the years she didn’t stand up for herself. Good-bye to the hurt he had caused.

Stepping back quickly, she felt as if a weight had lifted from her—a weight she had been ignoring. Her face was serene and her gaze strong, although she did not smile.

“You look happy, Katherine. You really do. Whatever you are doing agrees with you.”

“Thanks, James,” she replied matter-of-factly. And she meant it. “Good-bye.”

She turned and went over to the coffee bar to avoid leaving with him. He walked out toward the elevators.

Placing her hands on the counter, she felt her knees weaken for a second. She took a deep breath. That encounter had not been as easy as she’d worked to make it seem. It was disconcerting to look into the eyes of the man with whom she had shared so much of her life and feel he was almost a stranger.

She stood there for a while, thinking.

After James had walked out of their marriage, Katherine had spent several months wondering if indeed they had ever really known “love” together. Had it simply been a case of comfort and convenience when they got married? The lust part had not lasted long.

When she was honest with herself, she knew there were numerous times when she had felt distinctly unloved, disrespected and hurt by his words and attitude toward her. She could remember thinking then that she should leave. She deserved better. But she never did. She never spoke with anyone about it. Certainly not to James, because she knew he would become angrier and meaner. So she swallowed the hurt and the dislike she felt for him. It faded but never truly went away. She retreated more within herself. They simply carried on as usual.

The difference between the love and respect she felt with Philippe and how she felt with James was like night and day. Finally, she had found love, and that love had changed her for the better in every way.

There was no question that her life with Philippe brought her confidence. But she also knew she had empowered herself as a result of those first trying months after James left her. That core strength and self-confidence defined the woman she was able to become. What Philippe gave to her sealed the deal.

She regretted nothing she had said to James today.

That chapter was over.

CHAPTER NINE

Molly was asleep when Katherine walked in her room. Nick was busy texting in a chair by her bed.

He quickly put his phone down and gave Kat a look of concern. “How did it go? Are you okay?”

“I am surprisingly fine, thanks. There were words I have thought about saying to James for a long time . . . and I did. He was apologetic. Done.”

A nurse came in and said they were going to wake Molly to bathe her and change the linens.

“Let’s go for a walk, Kat,” Nick suggested. “I found a great pub near my hotel, and fresh air would probably do us both good. Besides, I could use a swig or two of the amber fluid! Let’s go and lighten up.”

Katherine grinned. There was no one who knew how to lighten up better than Nick.

They told the nurse they would come back to help Molly with dinner. Nick scribbled a crazy face on the whiteboard while Kat left a cheery note there for Molly to see when she awoke.

After a brisk walk, they stopped in at the King’s Arms. The dark wood interior with stained-glass accents was welcoming and they paused at the wood-burning fireplace to warm up. Katherine was surprised how calm she felt.

After they settled into a cozy booth, Nick had the perky young waitress giggling as he questioned her about the craft beers she listed.

Katherine momentarily excused herself and sent a quick text to Philippe. She knew he would be wondering about her meeting with James.

Their drinks arrived as she put her phone away, and Nick raised his glass to her. “Cheers! Here’s to moving on.”

Kat nodded vigorously, raising her glass in return. “Cheers! I never admitted I was carrying around that baggage. Now that I’ve had my say, I know I was . . . and it’s gone.”

Nick was sensitive enough not to inquire any further about her conversation with James. Instead he talked about his impressions of Toronto. “Thanks for giving me the grand tour these past few days of your Big Smoke—erm, your fair city. It’s a beaut!”

“It’s a great place to live. It feels a bit strange to be back after almost six months in France. On the one hand, being back on my home turf is so easy: my familiarity with my surroundings, speaking the same language, friends and family with whom I have a history. I’m surprised how happy I feel to be home. Yet I miss my life in Antibes every day. I keep trying to analyze what I’m feeling. I haven’t quite got it figured out.”

“I hear you, being a nomad myself. Do you think it’s simply that you miss Philippe? Lucky bloke!”

“I do miss him, no question. I can’t wait to see him tomorrow. But another part of my heart is aching for the colors of the sea, the buildings, the sky of Provence. I miss the cobblestones and the shutters and the markets and . . .” Katherine rolled her eyes and sighed.

Nick grinned broadly. “You’ve got it bad, gorgeous. But I could see that when you were there. Every time we went anywhere, you were totally seduced by everything. Can’t say I blame you. It’s a very special part of the world.”

Kat pointed her finger at him. “There you go. ‘Seduced’ is the word. Now I’m wondering if I’ve been realistic about the life I’ve been leading in France. What if it’s just infatuation? What if the seduction starts to fade?”

Nick looked at her in silence, his eyes thoughtful. “Y’know, it sounds to me like you’re having a classic case of cold feet. You’ve mentioned these thoughts to me one way or another every day since I got here. You’re overthinking everything. I’m sure you’ll feel differently again once Philippe arrives.”

Kat hurriedly changed the subject. “Are you going to be able to spend time in France again? Is it indelicate of me to ask if your legal problems have been resolved? All restrictions lifted?”

Nick looked up to the ceiling and put his hands together, as if in prayer. “I may need a little divine intervention, but my lawyers tell me everything seems to be resolved. The travel restrictions on my passport have been lifted.”

“Bravo!” They clinked their glasses together.

“You know, on my part it was much ado about nothing. Guilt by association. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time. But once a person becomes embroiled in a legal mess like that, it takes a while to get sorted out.”

“We were all worried about you, and your presence was missed in Antibes. It will be good to have you back in the harbor.”

“Speaking of harbor—I’m getting a new boat! I decided to return with a clean slate and a boat that looks nothing like
Searendipity
.”

“That’s exciting, although yours was a beautiful boat. Can you keep the name? It’s such a catchy one!”

“How’s
Searendipity II
?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Nick pulled out his phone and showed her photos and sketches of the boat he had ordered. “It’s coming from America and Tim will oversee the delivery.”

“This was a needed diversion,” Katherine said as they finished their drinks. “You’ve got me thinking about summer in Antibes. It’s a nice place to go in my head to escape the worry about Molly.”

“I know, this was a terrible scare—more so for everyone else than our Molly. That’s one good thing about being unconscious.”

Katherine laughed in spite of herself. “Morbid humor, but true. We were worried if she’d even make it. Now she seems to be getting back to her old self. Talk about relief!”

They touched their glasses together again.

When Katherine was ready to return to Molly, they bundled up again to head out into the cold.

“Putting on all these layers and this thermal gear is another thing you don’t have to worry about on the Riviera,” Nick complained. “I hadn’t anticipated freezing my butt off like this!”

Katherine’s laugh was muffled as she pulled her scarf up over her mouth. She had to admit the weather was getting tiresome.

They walked back to the hospital in silence, enveloped in their frosty breath. Nick took Katherine’s hand and tucked her arm through his. “Body contact helps to keep warm in this arctic air,” he muttered.

Kat was surprised to see Mo and his car waiting outside the hospital entrance.

Nick hugged her good-bye, saying he had meetings for the rest of the day and evening. “I’ll see you tomorrow, but I can’t promise what shape I’ll be in. I’m being taken to a Maple Leafs game tonight and I hear Canadian hockey fans party hearty!”

She chuckled as she waved good-bye.
He’s one of those guys who’ll simply never stop enjoying life! Too bad that can’t be bottled.