Ice (12 page)

I
knew I wasn't looking my best." she cried. "We rushed here for five minutes. I'm going home," she said. "I'll be back tomorrow or when I can see him for a sensible visit. I'm so tired from all this. Ice. It's as if the bullets hit me. too."
Mama was more comfortable feeling sorry for herself and getting me
to sympathize. I took her home, checked on Daddy with a phone call later and then made dinner for Mama and myself. She wanted me to return to school the next day. but I wouldn't do it. I went to the hospital and saw Daddy without her in the morning. He had improved some more and was stronger and more alert.
"Don't let this stop you from following your plans, Ice. Please," he begged me. "I was so proud of you at the concert."
"I don't know, Daddy. We've got so much more to think about now."
"There's nothing more. I'll be fine and so will your mama," he insisted. "Promise me," he insisted. "Promise."
"Okay, Daddy." I said. "I promise."
"Good." He closed his eyes with some relief. "Good," he said and fell asleep.

The news about Daddy spread fast through the school. When I returned the next day, everyone, especially my teachers, asked about him. Balwin was very attentive, feeling even worse about the
misunderstanding that had occurred between us.

"I don't know," I said. "Our lives are changed now. Daddy's going to require a long period of recuperation and I'm not sure about costs and money. I don't know." I told him. He looked sicker about it than I was.

"Well, you should practice and keep up anyway," he said. "Just in case it works out"
"I don't know whereI'll find the time." I said.
Now, as soon as school ended every day. I rushed over to the hospital to be with Daddy. Mama didn't visit as much and hated being in a hospital. I started to complain about it. but Daddy stopped me and said he was better off being around her only when she was happy. I understood and ignored her selfishness as best I could.
When Daddy was moved to a room. I found
I
could be a real help, assisting the nurse's aides, getting him things he needed or wanted or just amusing him. Every once in a while, he would look at me and make me repeat my promise to go forward with my plans. Finally, one day it dawned on him that I was spending so much time in the hospital. I couldn't be practicing my music.
"You've got your homework and end of the year exams. I know," he said. "Why are you spending so much time here. Ice? That boy still wants to help you. right?"
"Daddy--"
"You promised int. child. You telling me you're not keeping up the promise? You're my hope. Ice.
I
don't want to get out of this bed if you don't try. Well?"
"All right. Daddy." I said. All right. I'll go back to practicing."
That satisfied him. It was left as an
understanding between us, however, that I wouldn't discuss it with Mama. We both knew it would just create more tension in an already tense household.
She made her appearances when she thought she looked pretty enough. She paraded in as if she had just come off a model's runway. We could smell her perfume ten minutes before she arrived. When Daddy told her so, she shook her head angrily and said. "Well. I've got to do something to keep these putrid hospital odors out of my nose. don't I? You walk out of here smelling like a nurse if you don't," she insisted.
Daddy and
I
looked at each other and laughed.
"Go on, make fun of me, if you like, but I know I'm right," she insisted.
When Daddy was well enough to begin some therapy. I decided to meet with Balwin and go over my music. I still had my audition date for the Senetsky school scheduled. He and I practiced after school. It was very difficult for me to start again. It was as if we had never worked on the songs before. but Balwin was patient and kept giving me encouragement,
"Sometimes I think this is more important to you than it is to me." I told him.
He laughed.
"You just don't know yet how important it is to you," he assured me. "But you will. Someday, you will and then you'll be happy you did this. Ice,"
I smiled at him and then, almost as if it was a reflex action. I gave him a kiss. His eyes brightened like candles just lit.
"Tomorrow." he said. "I'd like to visit your father with you. I'll take you there after school," he said.
I thought that was very nice of him and when we arrived. Daddy was very happy to see him. They talked about music as if they had been old friends. Daddy was impressed with Balwin's knowledge of jazz. At the end, he thanked him for helping me.
"Your father's a great guy," Balwin told me. "I found it easier talking with him than I do with my own father," he added.
I felt sorry for him. At least I had someone who wanted the same things for me that I wanted for myself, someone encouraging me, standing beside me. Balwin was far lonelier than I had imagined. even lonelier than I was.
The next day Mama found out that Balwin had accompanied me to the hospital. She cross-examined Daddy about it and when I returned home, she started on me.
"What have you been doing with that fat boy?" she demanded.
"He's not a fat boy anymore. Mama. He's still trimming down nicely and--"
"Oh. I don't care about none of that. What's going on. Ice?"
Reluctantly. I revealed that our practicing for the audition had continued and she went off on me like she never had before, screaming at the top of her voice, tossing things around the kitchen, straining her neck and her eyes to the point of bursting blood vessels.
"First, where we ever going to find the money for such nonsense, and second, how am I supposed to handle your father with you gone. huh? You can forget all that talk about going to some fancy school and stop wasting everyone's time. Ice. I'm going to need you right here,"
I didn't argue with her, but that didn't stop her. She threatened to complain to Daddy about it. She even promised to tell him to stay in the hospital if I was going to leave for some school. Terrified of what damage she would do. I finally promised her I would stop practicing and cancel the audition. She was satisfied and calmed down, but slowly, muttering to herself almost until she fell asleep.
I told Balwin the next day. He tried to argue with me, but I wouldn't listen.
"We've only got one more week. Ice. Don't give up now." he pleaded.
I shook my head.
"It was silly of me to do this. Balwin, and wrong of me to waste your time too. I'm sorry. It's all so impossible, don't you see?'
"No." he said.
"Well it is," I told him and left.
I went home and put my music sheets away, took care of the chores in the house and made dinner. but Mama didn't come home for dinner. I ate alone. I thought she might have gone to the hospital and went as soon as I had cleaned up, but she wasn't there. I tried not telling Daddy about her, but he could read my face as if my thoughts were behind a glass wall.
"The woman's just frustrated," he said. "'Don't fret about her. She'll be all right once I'm out of here." he promised. "How's your work going with Balwin? It's getting close to that time. right?"
I called on all my powers to hide the truth, but there was something so strong between Daddy and myself that he could feel the vibrations in my body. His eyes grew small with suspicion.
"Ice?"
"It's foolish to waste time on something like this. Daddy. Where are we going to get the money and you'll need me for a while, Maybe--"
"Ice," he nearly shouted. He was in a wheelchair and we were in the corner of the recreation room in the therapy area. Some people looked our way for a moment. Daddy reached out and seized my
hand.
"You don't know what this has come to mean to me," he began. "I put all my dreams in you. All my disappointments are piled up and waiting to be crushed. You're the hope. honey. I watched you grow into this, take on the music like some magnificent, beautiful gown and go strutting across the stage. You've brought me the only joy I've had these years. And you're just starting. I know it. Ice. I know it in here," he said holding his hand over his heart, "Don't give up on me now,
"Don't be me," he declared firmly. "You go right home from here and you go into my third dresser drawer. You lift the clothes in the right corner and you take out that trumpet mouthpiece. understand?
"You hold it tightly in your hand and you think of me selling my trumpet and spending my whole life wondering 'what if?' And you take that mouthpiece with you to the audition. Do it for me and forget all the rest.
"Will you? Will you?"
"Yes, Daddy," I promised.
He reached out and touched the tear zigzagging down my cheek. And he smiled.
"You're melting. Ice," he said laughing. "and it's just fine.
"Just fine."

Balwin drove me. We had asked and been given permission for him to be my accompanist. Mama knew nothing about it. She thought I was going to school as usual and then going to visit Daddy.

I think my heart pounded all the way to New York City. When we arrived at the little theater. I was so terrified. I couldn't move my legs. I looked at Balwin and he laughed.

"I've seen stage fright and I've seen stage flight," he said. "but you've got stage terror."
"It's not funny. Balwin. I'm going to make a fool of myself," I cried.
"Then you'll make one of me, too," he declared firmly. He held out his hand and I got out of the car. "Take a deep breath," he said. "Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Go on. Relax yourself. This is nothing. If she doesn't like you, it's her loss, not yours.'
"Right," I said. "Sure."
He laughed and we entered the theater. It was so quiet and empty. I thought we had come on the wrong day. Suddenly, a tall, thin dark- haired woman emerged from the shadows, her heels clicking on the tile floor of the small lobby.
"Are you this Ice Goodman?" she asked holding a paper in her right hand. She had large brown eyes and a sharp nose, so pointed at the tip, I thought she could cut steak with it.
"Yes," I said.
"You're ten minutes early, but that's fine. Madam Senetskv is in the theater. And this is your accompanist?" she asked nodding at Balwin.
"Balwin Noble," Balwin said extending his hand. She simply looked at it and nodded.
"Go right to the stage and begin." she ordered, turned and retreated into the theater.
"Ready?" Balwin asked.
"No," I said.
"Good," he said and led the way.
It was dark except for some small light on the stage. It took a moment for my eyes to get used to the auditorium. At first I thought there was no one there and then I saw someone sitting all the way in the rear.
Balwin continued down the aisle to the piano. He sat, set out the music and looked at me. Then he nodded at the stage.
"Just do it as we have been." he said.
I looked back toward the woman in the rear. She was like a manikin. I couldn't make out much detail. but I saw that her hair was pulled tightly up into a coiled chignon at the top of her head. a little toward the rear where it was clipped. Why weren't there more people here. I wondered, and where was that tall, sour-looking woman who had greeted us?
Shaking.. I stepped up onto the stage. Balwin had me do a quick warm-up and then I looked at him and he nodded. I took a deep breath and he began.
I sang as best I could. As I went on. I felt myself relax and I thought only of the song itself and then, as if by magic. I thought I saw Daddy sitting in the first row. looking up and me and smiling.
And in his hand was his trumpet mouthpiece.