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I wonder what that says about both of us.

We keep walking.

Out here, on the very edge of the Hole, the cars on the Porthole Coast Highway are empty husks of scrap, abandoned long ago. What do you need a car for if you don’t have power to make it go? Without electricity, they’re merely reminders of freedom that people no longer enjoy. Especially not these people.

A scrap scavenger stares when we walk by. Her clothes are ragged, her hair a matted mess. Her eyes narrow and she leans forward, looking straight at Lucas. He only sees her as she turns to run, looking back over her shoulder one more time. “Did she just recognize you?”

Lucas shrugs. “I doubt it. Probably just ran to tell her girlfriends she believes in love at first sight.” He grins, and I shake my head. But I notice how quickly the smile fades.

He’s the Ambassador’s son. We need to be more careful.

“Dol.” Lucas stops in his tracks, holding up his hand. “Listen.” He closes his eyes. I look at him like he’s insane, which is how he seems.

“What is it?” I can’t hear anything.

“It’s nothing. Absolutely nothing. Silence. The best sound in the world.” He begins to move down the road again, with a sharp laugh.

He’s right, of course.

I’ve forgotten.

Inside the Embassy, the hum of white noise is always there. There are screens, lights that buzz, and tech that talks. There is Doc—even when he chooses not to speak, there is the knowledge that he is there. It’s unsettling how quickly I’ve gotten used to it. Machine life has a sound, like a heartbeat, or breathing. A pulse of its own.

The silence changes when it belongs only to living things. Your ear changes. You pick out the threads of human voices, a child yelling, footsteps echoing in the ransacked houses below us. Animal noises, earth noises. The air is so quiet you can hear the breeze. The sun beats down, prickling the back of my neck. My feet are hot in my thick boots as we walk.

“Stop—” Lucas pulls me down. “I think I hear Choppers.”

As he says it, I hear them, too.

I look to see three Choppers flying in formation, straight toward us.

“What do we do?” I’m trying not to panic.

“Stay still.” Lucas watches the sky, squinting. Before
long, they roar overhead, flying straight along the road and deeper into the Hole.

“Not Embassy Choppers. We’re okay.”

He pulls me up next to him, and we stand, watching, until they disappear.

He speeds up, keeping his head down. I follow him as he picks a path down the highway. He manages to stay ahead, as if he can’t bear to walk next to me. Maybe he can’t.

“Where are we going?” I call toward him, but the wind carries my voice in the other direction, and the only words that emerge are so small I almost can’t hear them myself.

“You’ll see.”

“Lucas. Slow down.”

“Hurry up. You didn’t have to come, you know.”

I pull his arm and he stops.

We stand there, alone in the sunshine. I look back toward the water and Santa Catalina, back toward the way we came. The breeze has grown, and my hair whips in my face from the wind near the shore, beating against my eardrums like waves.

“What’s your problem? Why don’t you like me?” I say the words before I realize what I am saying. “I mean, us.”

He studies me. His face looks somehow different, harsh in the bright midday sun, and I wonder if mine looks the same to him.

“I like you.” My heart pounds just a little more quickly.

Lucas looks away. “I mean, I don’t not like you. I like everybody. You guys know that, better than anyone.”

Oh. I see.

“That’s not true. You hate Ro and you don’t like me.”

He looks at me for a long moment before answering.

“You hate the Ambassador and you hate me. You hate what she did to the Padre and you hate what I didn’t do.”

“What was that?”

“Stop her.”

“Why didn’t you?”

We look at each other, there in the grim, bleached light. My instinct is to run from it, but my feet won’t move.

“Forget it. It doesn’t matter.” I blush. Again. As always, when I’m around Lucas.

Why does he do that to me?

He looks stricken. “It matters, Dol.” He reaches for my hand. “I hate that I have to stand by and watch innocent people get hurt. It kills me.”

I pull my hand away. “Yet here you are. Perfectly alive.”

He reaches farther, grabbing for my wrist. “You don’t understand. The House of Lords—even the Ambassador is afraid. GAP Miyazawa is. We all are, and if anyone says they’re not, it’s a lie.”

I don’t know. “When I think of the Ambassador, Lucas,
afraid
isn’t really the first word that comes to mind.”

“I know. It’s hard to explain. She’s terrified—and she’s terrifying. It’s not like I can go running to my parents, whenever something’s wrong. My mother isn’t exactly a mother, not like I think yours would have been.”

“If I’d known her,” I say, sadly.

“If you’d known her,” he agrees.

I didn’t
, I think.
But he didn’t either.
There are lots of ways to lose your family, I guess. I am just beginning to realize how many.

So I let him take my hand.

It’s the truth, what he’s trying to tell me. I feel it, in every word.

Lucas stares at my hand, silent for a moment. Then he looks at me strangely, like he’s trying to figure out how to tell me something.

“What is it?”

“Nothing. I mean, something, I guess. I need to tell you. To show you.” He carefully reaches toward me, taking my other hand. “I was thirteen, I think.”

He closes his eyes and I let the feelings find me, until I can see what he is thinking. I close my eyes and out of the darkness, the Embassy testing room comes into focus.

I rip my eyes open. “Lucas, no. I don’t want to see this. Not again.”

He holds my hands tight. “Please. I haven’t told anybody
about this. I know you don’t trust me, but I trust you.”

There’s nothing more I can say. I shake my head, but close my eyes again.

I’m back in the room, and I see a frightened young girl, maybe twelve or thirteen, in dirty, worn clothing. She sits in a metal chair with her hands under her legs. Her face is streaked with tears, her hair cut short.
She looks almost like me at that age
, I think.

A younger Ambassador Amare is in the room, with a nervous Lucas hiding behind her. He is skinny, almost gangly, with short hair. He looks so innocent.

The Ambassador sits Lucas down opposite the girl and stands between them, arms folded. For a long time, she says nothing.

Lucas looks up at her. “Why am I here, Mom?”

The Ambassador cuts him off with a stern look. “In this room, I am your Ambassador, not your mother.” She turns to the girl, who wipes more tears from her eyes. She’s obviously terrified to see the Ambassador.

“Sorry, Mo—” Lucas swallows. “Madame Ambassador.” His voice cracks.

His mother’s lips press tightly, into her best imitation of a smile. “We believe this girl is a collaborator, a part of the Grass Rebellion. Her father is widely held to be a traitor and a terrorist. But we need proof.”

The girl’s eyes go wide. “No, please, it isn’t true! My
father is a farmer, not a criminal!” She strains to stand but I see the chains around her waist and legs, holding her down. The Ambassador glares at her and she sits down, sobbing.

“Lucas, I need you to get a confession out of her. We have her father in custody, and we would like to have proof of his guilt before we prosecute him.” A look of panic crosses Lucas’s face. The Ambassador locks her eyes on him. “I know you want to do the right thing. Now I just need you to prove it to me.” The Ambassador gives Lucas a short nod before she turns and leaves.

Lucas doesn’t say a word.

The girl looks at him with pleading eyes. “You have to believe me. I don’t know why we’re here. My father grows strawberries. He works hard and takes care of us. He would never hurt anyone. Please.”

I feel Lucas’s heart tearing. He knows the girl is telling the truth. But his mother’s grip on him is so tight, he can hardly breathe. I feel it overwhelm him—the desire for her approval slowly smothering his guilt.

After a moment, he speaks. “What’s your name?”

She pauses and looks at him, warily. “Elena.”

“Elena. I like that name.” Lucas pushes his conscience into a dark corner and looks at her.

My heart begins to pound. I can’t believe he’s doing this. I can’t bear to watch.

But he is. His pupils dilate as he draws her in. The girl is confused at first, then starts to look slightly embarrassed.

“Elena, are you sure your father hasn’t been working with the Grass Rebels? I mean, how do you know he’s not? I can’t blame you for wanting to protect him.” Lucas stands and pulls his chair closer to Elena, who shivers from the proximity.

He knows what he’s doing. He sits down right next to her.

“I, I—” Elena is clearly confused, almost dizzy with the rush of his influence.

“You know the Grass Rebels hurt a lot of innocent people. People who are trying to do good and keep humanity safe from the Lords.” Elena looks wide-eyed, then nods her head.

“I guess so.”

“You would be doing yourself and the rest of us a favor if you just tell us the truth. That your father is working against humanity. That he is part of the Rebellion.”

I can feel Lucas heating up with the immense effort. Elena is fighting, as hard as she can, but it’s a losing battle. Lucas looks away for a moment, only to gain strength. If he hesitates now, he won’t be able to do it.

He turns back and speaks slowly. “Your father is a Grass Rebel.” Lucas looks Elena again in the eye, and puts his hand on hers.

Her resistance falters—and her eyes change, glassing over. Shifting from tearful to calm. “My father is a Rebel.”

“He hurt innocent people.”

She nods, no longer resisting. “Innocent people.”

Lucas pulls back from the girl and puts his hands to his temples, shaking his head.

“No. Elena, wait.”

But it’s too late. At that moment, the Ambassador marches in. A younger Catallus and a posse of Sympa soldiers follow closely behind her. Catallus smirks and nods at Lucas.

“Don’t,” Lucas starts to plead.

The Ambassador holds up her hand, and the Sympas hold Lucas by either arm.

Elena smiles innocently, never taking her eyes off Lucas. Pleased that she’s done what he asked.

Lucas looks like death.

“Take her,” the Ambassador barks, and two more Sympas pull Elena from the room, chains and all.

The girl never stops smiling.

“Take her and her father and execute them for treason.”

I drop Lucas’s hands and open my eyes. “Lucas!”

He won’t look at me. Tears catch in his eyelashes, but he doesn’t let them fall. His guilt and sorrow are so
strong, I feel like I’m struck with the force of a rock-slide.

“I didn’t know she would do that.”
He’s telling the truth
, I think.

“I just wanted her to love me. Look at me as a son, not some pawn in whatever game she’s playing. Everybody deserves a mother, Dol. Even me.”

I try to feel something other than shock. I am overwhelmed with disgust at a woman—a mother—who would do something like that to a child.

To her son.

I shudder. “I—I don’t know what to say.”

He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. “Don’t. I just needed you to know.” I know more than Lucas could imagine.

“I understand, Lucas. I do.”

Our conversation is over. We should probably go. But I don’t move a muscle. Instead, I stare at him, willing him to lean closer to me.

Miraculously, magically, he does.

“Please, Dol.”

Let me.

I feel the touch of his skin against mine, light as a breeze. He slips his finger beneath my bindings, and without his eyes leaving mine, yanks at the muslin. I catch my breath.

“I’m not one of them. I’m not like her,” he says.

He pushes up his own sleeve, slipping off the leather cuff and exposing his wrist. “I’m like you, Dol.”

Four blue dots, the color of the sky.

“I like you, Dol. You make me feel better.”

I like you too, Lucas.
But I don’t say it.

“I can make you feel better, too.”

The bright daylight grows brighter. I can’t hear anything except the buzz of wind and water in my ears.

I let my binding come loose in his hand. My naked wrist is a pale white stripe against the rest of my arm, but it feels warm in the sun.

I shiver anyway.

Lucas looks at me. It is a question—again, that question.

Let me.

Slowly, he takes my hand, slipping his fingers between mine. He begins to wind and wrap the cloth. It is exactly like my dream. Our elbows touch, then our forearms. Our wrists. I close my eyes and feel his warmth—it’s different from the rush of raw heat I felt from Ro. This is dizzying—my heart starts pounding, and I can’t breathe.

He presses his fingers through mine even more tightly. His fingers push into the back of my hand, inching closer…

Only this time the hands are real, and I’m not dreaming.
Nothing about my life is remotely like a dream, not anymore.

From this safe place, out of the peaceful bliss, I feel a surge of sadness. Pressure behind my eyes—tears pushing, trying to escape. I feel like I am about to lose control, like my tears will drown me. I see my home, I see Ro—everything I’ve lost and might still lose, if I let go—

I can’t let go.

I’m not ready for this.

I ball up my hand. Again.

“Lucas—” I jerk my arm away. “I can’t.”

“What? Why?” He’s startled. Confused.

“I don’t know.” But it’s a lie. I do know. It’s a lie with a name and that name is Ro.

A shadow passes over Lucas’s face.

“Fine.”

“Don’t say that, Lucas. It’s not fine. I can feel it, remember?”

“I felt close to you. I wanted to make you feel better. If you don’t want to feel better, that’s your choice.” Lucas tosses my binding at me. He’s angry. “We should go. I told Freeley we’d meet him before dark.”