Identical (44 page)

Up through the indigo, I am lifted.
Wake

up, Kaeleigh. Come back to me right now!

Sharp strikes against my cheeks.

Sudden tears. My eyes want to float open.

But I won’t let them. Won’t see him.

This time, I land in a soft swirl

of lavender, like the ocean at sunset

just after downpour. Beautiful.

Can I stay here? Forever? Lapping

against the beach, playing with

the sand. Frothing against the shore.

Footsteps again. They slap tile.

Running away from me.

Good-bye feet. Good-bye.

I am sinking. I can end it here.

But if I’m going to drown, I have

to go fast. Before the feet come back.

Won’t let me sleep. And voices.

One belongs to Daddy.

Oh my God. Her face is blue.

The other belongs to a woman. Mom?

No, not Mom. Softer. Younger.

Kaeleigh, wake up now.

Melodic. Angelic. Angel?

That means I’m…

A sudden burst of air floods my

lungs. Pressure on my chest. Air.

Pressure. Air. Pressure. Air.

I’m breathing. Not drowning.

Atta girl. She’s coming around.

My stomach roils, like I gulped

lavender seawater. I lean over

the side of my bed, jet a big stream

of opiate-laced Wild Turkey.

Good girl. Get it all out.

And now I’m in Daddy’s arms.

I squirm, but he won’t let me go.

Limp. Fall limp. My eyes wander

past his face, to the face of my angel.

Hannah. Of course. Who else?

Her hand is cool against my face.

What did you take, Kaeleigh?

Tell? Don’t tell? Who cares?

“Percodan.” No need to mention

Daddy’s OxyContin. The Wild

Turkey, they can smell. Hannah sighs.

How many?

Her voice, sugared, irritates

me now. If heaven’s host sounds

like her multiplied, I’ll stay

home. “N-not sure. A dozen?”

Hannah points to the gross

disgustingness next to the bed.

She should be okay, but…

She said the magic word: okay.

Daddy gulps in air like it might

disappear any second. Like I might.

He gushes,
Are you sure?

Hannah has been fussing over

me, as any good nurse would.

Her vitals are good, considering….

Good enough for Daddy.

Thank you so much, Hannah.

But Hannah’s not quite finished.

She needs to go in for monitoring.

I won’t be monitored, won’t answer

questions. I just want to be left alone.

Daddy’s got that covered.
I don’t

think that’s necessary. And I know

you know how important it is to keep

this right here in this room.

If she doesn’t know, she definitely

understands Daddy’s directive.

But she dares question him.

May I speak to you for a minute?

But I’m not really sure why.

I can hear every word,

despite their lowered voices.

Hannah is worried about me.

A dozen painkillers, washed

down with whiskey. That

wasn’t an accidental overdose,

Ray. Your daughter needs help.

Duh. Serious help. But Daddy

won’t admit it.
I think we

can handle this in-house.

I’ll make some calls.

But Hannah isn’t satisfied.

Look, I know this isn’t something

you want spread in the tabloids.

But I’m just not sure…

Daddy can be very persuasive.

I appreciate your concern.

You wouldn’t be a good nurse

otherwise. But leave this to me.

She has to give it one last shot.

Please think seriously about

getting some help for her.

Your daughter is disturbed.

Yep. Disturbed semiregularly,

by her pervert father, a part

of the story she’ll never know.

And even if she should find out,

Daddy apparently holds a trump

card.
I promise to think about it.

Oh, and your problem with your

ex? Consider it solved.

I have no idea what the problem

could be, but Daddy’s reach

is long. Almost as long as

the silent pause right before

Hannah acquiesces.
Okay,

I’ll back off. But please keep

an eye on her. If she follows

through, I’ll never forgive myself.

Isn’t something I can think

about right now. I’ll put it

on my back burner checklist

of things to think about

later.

My head hurts, far beyond

the dizzy left inside it. It hurts,

like my heart does. When I do

let myself think about tonight,

I’ll remember

a whiteout of emotions.

A rush of anger, at my mom,

my dad, my screwed-up life.

A blush of love for Ian. Oh,

how

I wish that I could give him

what Daddy takes so easily from

me. But it would be a tainted gift.

Sadness now, and I wonder how

it feels

to live without a constant fog

of sorrow, a breeze of loneliness.

Complacent, I wait for my daddy

to come and punish me for trying

to die.

If she heard any of that.

She’s so weighted into oblivion,

she looks as if she did die.

The weirdest thing is,

Daddy has not come to

check on her. You’d think

he’d want to know if she

is still breathing. I’m guessing

he went straight for the Wild

Turkey. Hopefully Kaeleigh

left enough for him to drown

his guilt. Does he feel guilt?

Does he feel

anything

at all?

Maybe that’s what he’s looking for.

A way to feel.

Something.

Anything.

Even if that something is pain.

Remorse.

Humiliation.

Self-loathing.

What has brought him to this place?

Loneliness?

Greed?

Genetics?

What redemption can there be for him?

Penance?

Prison?

Demise?

To check on her. Kaeleigh feigns

sleep, but Daddy’s determined.

He shakes her until she opens

her eyes, stares silently past him.

Good to see you’re still with us.

His voice is about as warm as

day-old oatmeal.
Don’t you ever,

ever do anything like that again.

Anger fills her eyes. Anger,

and knife-edged hatred. So

much to say, no way to say

it. “I…I…I won’t, Daddy.”

I think it’s best no one outside

this room hears about this incident.

Your mother would be very hurt.

He straightens, waits for an answer.

The tears in Kaeleigh’s eyes

reflect denial, but she doesn’t

dare let it spill. “Whatever you

say.” She turns her head away.