Identical (47 page)

Not just once, but three times,

in quick succession. Fuck!

Did Daddy find me after all?

Who the fuck is it?
Ty yells.

No answer, but another ring.

And another. I try to tug on

my shirt, and am halfway there

when Ty opens the door. I stare

at the face framed there, eyes

wide with anger and hurt. Ian.

He pushes past Ty.
Kaeleigh.

What are you doing here, with

him? You promised me…

Promised? What did I promise?

I shake my head. Kaeleigh promised,

not me. “N-not Kaeleigh.”

Ty takes Ian’s arm.
Get the fuck

out of here
. He tries to muscle him

toward the door,

but Ian yanks away, comes over,

puts his hands on my shoulders, looks

into my eyes.
Who are you, then?

I’m…I look at him, so full

of love for me. Me. Am I Kaeleigh?

No. Goddammit. I’m, “Raeanne.”

No, no, no!
His head twists

from side to side, until I’m sure

it will spin off his neck.
Raeanne

is dead, Kaeleigh. She died

in the accident, remember?

Listen to me, Kaeleigh.

What is he talking about?

I’m not dead. I’m right here,

and I’m…too fucking stoned

to deal with this now. “What

are you talking about, Ian?

Can’t you see I’m not Kaeleigh?”

Ian’s eyes are wild. Scared.

Confused, like an animal

in a trap.
Please, Kaeleigh.

Why does he keep calling

me that? I’m not Kaeleigh, I’m…

Wait…What did he say

about an accident? Yes, yes,

there
was
an accident. Daddy

was driving and they took…

Not me. Didn’t

take me away.

Raeanne. My sister.

My identical twin.

I called out to her.

She didn’t answer.

Mom came back.

Raeanne didn’t.

Ty turns vicious.

Ty? Who’s he?

Look, she said she’s not

this Kaeleigh person, so…

But I
am
Kaeleigh.

Wait. Who am I?

Who am I? The room

begins to spin.

Goddammit. Too much

fucking good bud.

Is that the problem?

Don’t think so. Afraid

that’s not the problem.

Ian turns toward Ty,

and his look stops the

bigger man’s approach.

Something’s wrong

with her, but she
is

Kaeleigh, and her twin,

Raeanne, was killed

in an accident years ago….

“Stop saying that!

I’m not dead….”

Yes, you are.

“…can’t be dead.

I’m standing right here.”

Someone is, but

not you.

“I don’t want

to be dead….”

Voices. Arms around me.

Hands, familiar. Ian’s hands?

They don’t belong to me.

They belong to Kaeleigh.

Kaeleigh isn’t

dead.

I am. Lights. Floating.

Motion. Noise. Ian, beside

me.
Come on, Kaeleigh.

Everything’s okay. I’m here

for you always.
He says

I’m not dead,

but he still thinks I’m her.

Am I her? If I’m her, where

is me? I can’t go away, not

all the way away. Kaeleigh

is weak, no match for Daddy.

If I die,

she’ll die too. I’ll always

be right here. Ian doesn’t

have to know. Daddy

doesn’t have to know. Even

she won’t

know I’m still here. I’ll

have to hide better, always

be Kaeleigh. It’s a new game,

but necessary for me to

survive.

That’s what I am now.

Incomplete.

They keep asking for

truths.

I’m afraid to give them

answers.

I keep hiding behind

dreams.

Except maybe they’re

realities.

They keep asking for

reasons.

I give them lame

excuses.

I want to live in my

fantasies.

Except maybe they’re

nightmares.

They keep asking for

explanations.

I keep telling them

I don’t have them.

They don’t allow visitors.

Only nurses. Doctors. One

is a shrink. Dr. Carol Shore.

Call me Carol. I’m

a psychotherapist.

And I’m here to help.

“Help what?” I ask,

pretending like I don’t

need help. Never have.

Help you face whatever

it is that you keep trying

to escape from.

“Why would I want

to do that?” My stomach

heaves, but it’s empty.

Because only by confronting

your demons can you ever

hope to conquer them.

What she doesn’t seem

to understand is, I have

to go home to my demon.

Anything to get her off my back.

They give me something to calm

the withdrawal, help me sleep.

As I slip toward lovely nothingness,

I hear a voice behind the door.

She’s my daughter, goddammit.

I have every right to see her.

No. Don’t want to see him. Ever.

Then snippets. Ugly movies.

Please! Go away. Let me sleep!

Relax…can’t…he’s here.

The door opens, but I refuse

to open my eyes. Maybe the drug

will kick in, push me all the way

down into unconsciousness.

Footsteps. His. One, two. Stop!

Kaeleigh, girl. Wake up. It’s Daddy.

I’m right here beside you.

His hand, cold, strokes my cheek.

His head tilts against my chest.

I wish I could take it all back….

I’m alone. In the dark.

Where am I again?

Who am I again?

I’m hot. So hot.

I was hot in a car.

A BMW? With…

More ugly movies.

Only Daddy’s not

in them. I am.

Oh my God. What

have I done? Who

have I been with?

A collage of faces.

Ty. Ty? Who is he?

There was a party….

I went there with

Mick. Mick? And

Madison was there.

Madison. She was

at Lawler’s house.

Lawler? Mr. Lawler?

I told him I like

older men. Older,

like…Daddy. Daddy?

No…No…No!

But he said,
I wish

I could take it all back.

Okay, maybe I do need help.

I can’t even remember what “all”

is. Only bits and pieces. And why

would I want to remember more?

Only by confronting your demons…

Confront him? How could I ever?

And how could I ever let anyone

know what my father has done

to me? Who would understand?

You’ve got some powerful demons….

Greta! Oh, maybe I could tell Greta.

I need to see her, need to know

if she ever confronted her demon.

Can’t believe it happened to her, too.

I met evil when I was very young….

But you wouldn’t know it to look

at her now. She’s strong. Strong

enough to fight Nazis. Strong enough

to invite Lars back into her life.

Could not imagine sharing a bed…

Sharing a bed with a man

she loved. A man she trusted.

Instead she sent him away.

Out of her life. Such loneliness!

Please trust me enough to tell…

Ian. My amazing Ian. My best

and only true friend. If I told

you, you’d turn your back on

filthy me. If you haven’t already.