Idolize (Dark Storm Book 1) (18 page)

Chapter Fourteen

The images kept coming between the sleep. Each time her eyes opened, life seemed good, then she would remember being beside the pool with Steve pulling the trigger. She could smell the smoke from the gun and see the blood was on her arms. She kept rubbing at her skin, but the blood wouldn’t go away. Then sleep came again.

The next time she awoke, she was back in Boston and Steve was alive again. This couldn’t be real, but she could see him coming at her with his fists. Tommy was crying in the other room. Then there were other blurry faces she didn’t know. They were coming toward her, kissing and touching her. She remembered other things and as her head cleared, vomit filled her mouth as she spewed it onto the floor beside the bed. The nurses and doctors were back again. More injections and sleep. Why didn’t they let her die?

Had time passed? She didn’t know, but today the room came into focus and stayed in focus. Where was Tommy? Panic hit as her heartbeat sped up. She needed to find him. The room was dark, but she could see lights in the corridor beyond. Slipping her legs over the edge of the bed, she made it to the door and looked out into the corridor. She could see a nurse across the way at her desk. Cassi wanted to say something, but her legs gave out as she hit the cold floor. The nurse was there helping her up.

“Where is Tommy?”

The nurse smiled at her as she assisted her back to bed.

“He’s fine and has been staying with your friend, Sasha.”

The nurse got her some water. Cassi drank the cool fluid and felt she was coming out of a deep sleep. The room was plain and looked like a hospital. The nurse pulled the curtains and the sun was coming up.

“Doctor Harding will be here in a while and talk to you. I’ll give her a call and let her know how you’re doing this morning. Are you hungry?”

Cassi needed to think about the question for a minute, then realized she was famished. “I’m starving, to tell you the truth.”

“I’ll call down to the kitchen and see what they have. It’s a bit early for breakfast.”

Two hours later, her stomach was full, but her mind was still a jumble of thoughts. She wanted to phone Sasha, but she needed more information, even though it was killing her to not know how her little boy was coping. A woman in a smart navy suit tapped on her door.

“Hi Cassi. I’m Doctor Patricia Harding. You look much better today.”

“To be honest, I don’t really remember much of anything, including you, but I’ll take your word for it that I look better. How long have I been here? For that matter, where am I?”

The doctor sat on the chair next to the bed. Cassi clasped her hands together to stop them from shaking. She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear these things.

“This is Greensborough Hospital, and it’s been three weeks. We needed to keep you medicated for your own safety most of the time. You weren’t lucid and wanted to self-harm. Can you remember anything?”

“It all seems blurry. It’s as if people were walking around me, but it wasn’t real. I couldn’t hear what they were saying. Then I wasn’t here, but back in my past.” Cassi could feel her breath getting shallow and rapid as she waited for the pictures to come back. They didn’t, though she sensed they were still hovering in the background.

“Over the past week, you’ve been having fewer flashbacks and we reduced the medication. What I would like to do from here on, is see if we can work together so this won’t be an issue for you in the future.”

That all sounded very nice, but Cassi didn’t think she would ever be able to wipe her slate clean ever again. She thought traveling to the other side of the country would work, but her past followed her and all she had done was mess up a beautiful person’s life. Where was Declan?

“I’m happy to work with you, but can I ask a few questions?”

The doctor nodded.

“I’d like to see my son. Also, how long will I have to stay here, and how is Declan?”

“Of course you can see Tommy. Feel free to arrange a visit today. As for how long you need to be here, that’s your choice, but I would like to see you stay a few more weeks to ensure you feel able to cope. As for Mr. Reed, he phones daily to see how you are. In the past weeks you refused to have him here.”

“He’s paying for all this, isn’t he?”

She nodded. Cassi wasn’t sure how she would ever repay him, but considered the fairest thing would be to let him get on with his life.

“I’ll let you shower and call back later. If you are up to it, we could start the sessions tomorrow.”

Two hours later, Sasha stood at the door, holding Tommy’s hand. Her little boy had a box of chocolates in the other hand that was almost as big as he was. He looked scared as he glanced across at her. She never wanted him to be scared of her. Cassi jumped off the bed and held her arms open wide.

“Come and give me a hug, you gorgeous boy.”

A huge smile spread across Tommy’s face as he ran across. She picked him up and wrapped him in her arms.

“I brought chocolates. Can I have some?”

That was more the Tommy she knew. She opened the box and three were gone in a number of minutes before she took the box away. She went over to the sink and got some wet tissues to clean him up, as the chocolate was smeared across his face.

“I think we should go outside and feed the ducks, and then you can have another chocolate when we get back.”

Tommy threw bread out to the ducks and ran around the garden. Cassi sat down with Sasha.

“I’ll never be able to say thank you enough for looking after him.”

Sasha thumped her on the arm. “Shut up, you stupid woman. You just coped with some terrible shit and we’ll get through it the best we can. I love him and you, and it’s what people do. Audrey wants to come and see you here, unless you can come home. Did they say how long you’ll be here?”

“I could leave now, but I think I’ll stay another week or so if you can manage. It may sound silly, but having my mind back again is scary. I’m worried I’ll lose it again.”

“We moved into the flat above the shop. Declan wanted us to stay, but it didn’t seem right without you there, plus they’re both heading off to New Zealand next week. He was trying to put it off, but the contract said he has to go. Have you talked to him yet?”

“No. I have decided to let him go, if it’s what he wants. I can barely think straight and he should be free to find someone else. All I can think of is getting my mind straight to look after Tommy.”

“I think you’re throwing away the best thing that’s ever happened to you, but I understand. I think you two were the right people at the wrong time. I reckon he would sit around forever if he thought he had a chance.”

Tommy ran back over. “The ducks are full. Can I have another chocolate?”

An hour later, Tommy went home with Sasha. He said he would bring a picture back tomorrow to brighten up her room. She was so tired that she lay on the bed and her eyes drooped.

When she opened them, it was dark outside and the bedside light was on. As she gazed across the room, she realized Declan was sitting in the chair opposite. Her heart ached for him. He came across and stood beside the bed, but didn’t touch her. She could see the need in his eyes. Before she thought about what she was doing, she threw her legs over the side of the bed and put her hands out to him. He pulled her to him and his lips touched hers, and for a moment she allowed herself to believe they could be a perfect couple with a future together.

His tongue searched her mouth with hunger. His body moved closer to the bed as his arms wrapped around her body. As he pressed against her, she could feel his erection. For a second, the strangers’ faces haunted her again. Her breath caught in her throat as she pushed him away with a scream building in her throat. She didn’t want to reject him, but had to send him away if there was a chance they could ever be together in the long run.

She couldn’t breathe. The air wouldn’t go into her lungs. Declan came back with a nurse, and Doctor Harding arrived soon after. They gave her an injection and the calmness started to come back as she lay on the bed.

When the doctor was happy with her, Declan walked back in. She needed to do this now before she changed her mind.

“Declan, I need to say something and I want you to listen.”

He sat down on the edge of the chair.

“Sasha told me you’re going to New Zealand next week. I want you to go. I also think you should be free to find someone else while you’re away.”

He went to stand up, but she put her hand up and he sat back down. She could see the tears forming in his eyes, but she needed to be strong for them both.

“What we had was wonderful while it lasted, but I can’t think straight at the moment. I don’t expect you to wait for me to sort myself out.”

“That’s my choice to make.”

“I want you to be happy and have a life, and I truly believe that won’t happen with me right now. Go to New Zealand, meet new people, and live. You always wanted to go and have the chance to work with such a great director. It’s your dream.”

“I thought that was my dream, but I’d rather have you.”

It wasn’t that she didn’t love him. After what had happened, she loved him even more. She just didn’t believe they could live together with this hanging over their heads at the moment. Would she freak out every time he touched her and ruin what they had? He was crying. She could see the lines of tears down his cheeks, but she couldn’t falter now. This had been a relationship based on so many things: fear, lack of truth, and death. She needed to sort her brain out. Being near him would make her destroy what they had. She needed to convince him of that.

“Why?” he asked.

She bit her bottom lip for a moment to stop it trembling. Was she being a fool? It didn’t matter. She needed to know who she was to be able to go on and give Tommy a life, and maybe have a relationship with Declan again. This had always been too fast. Sasha was right. Right people, wrong time.

“I need to find me again. I can’t be with you until I do. I don’t want to think every time you touch me, I’ll react the way I did. It would destroy everything we had.”

“So I’m being dumped? Nothing I can say will make you change your mind?”

“I want us to be together, but not like this. I think…”

“Don’t say anymore now. I want us to speak again when we both want the same thing.”

He got up and they both stood awkwardly as if unsure whether they should hug. He opened his mouth to say something, but stopped. A part of her wanted to ask what he was about to say, but she didn’t have the right.

He left and she sensed she might never see him again. Why couldn’t she yell “stop”? She had thought she was strong when she met him. She'd come across the country and found a new life. The truth was she had grabbed onto him as soon as he appeared. She needed to know she could survive anyway, but choose to be with him.

When he left, the nurse came back in. She held Cassi’s hand. Cassi cried until her throat was raw and her head ached. The nurse gave her a sleeping tablet, but she didn’t want to wake up to this pain again. The only light that kept her going was Tommy. He needed her and she would hold onto that.

Chapter Fifteen

Declan stood at the airport and handed his ticket to the woman at the counter. Within fifteen hours, he would be in New Zealand. It was somewhere he had always wanted to go but not now. He wanted to be here with Cassi, but she’d sent him away.

Her past didn’t matter to him. He wanted to wrap her up in his arms and make all the pain go away. When he held her at the hospital, he had made things worse by bringing everything back again. Cassi was right. The only way they might have a future together was to be apart.

He wanted to stay, but it was right to go even if it felt wrong. Someone patted him on the back and he turned to Jack. He was glad his brother was coming with him. If anyone could cheer him up, it would be Jack. His reckless brother drove him mad most of the time, but right now he could cope with getting blind drunk with him. James would kill him if he got thrown off the plane in disgrace. Declan wanted the booze to take the edge off this pain.

“Let’s get you through to the lounge and a drink. You look like you might kill anyone who asks you something,” Jack said.

Jack was right, but thankfully there were no paparazzi around today. Declan had called Mitch the day before and the tough-guy pap had spread a rumor he was flying out the next day. He owed him. He asked Mitch to keep an eye out for Cassi, too. No one would mess with Mitch. The guy was tall and ripped and had a way of looking at people that made them back off.

In the lounge, Jack came over with a brandy. Declan took a gulp and sighed. How the hell did it come to this?

“So what you going to do then, mate?”

“I’m going to do what she says and stay away, even if it’s the last thing I want to do. The shoot will take at least three months. When I get back, I’ll see how she’s doing. Women like Cassi don’t come into your life that often. I’m not giving up.”

“I’ll keep in contact with Sasha, if you want. You never know, I might still have a chance with her.”

Declan shook his head. “She could eat you up and spit you out for breakfast. It would give me a laugh to watch, though. Hell, I could do with a chuckle right now.”

The order to board came and Declan settled in for the long flight. His mind should have been on the job ahead, but all he could think of was Cassi alone in the room in the hospital. He had to believe she would take him back. He would not accept a future without her in it.