If I Break THE COMPLETE SERIES Bundle (173 page)

“I won’t tell her who,” he says, and I shake my head.

“That will hurt her too badly,” I say, trying to think. I grip the necklace resting on my chest. This is a terrible mess. “Okay, you can tell her that you know you two aren’t working out, that she deserves better, that things just aren’t working. It will hurt her, she’s going to ask questions, but she’ll find comfort in school and work. Gia’s strong. She’ll get over it I’ll keep working at the school—she shouldn’t suspect anything—and I’ll tell her I met someone or something. I can come and see you and…”

His face falls. “I know you don’t want to hurt Gia, but I want to be with you, Gwen. I don’t want us to be a secret…”

I shake my head. “No, it won’t be like that, not forever. We just have to let enough time pass.”

Gia’s reasonable. Maybe in a year or two she’ll understand. She’ll feel some type of way about it, but she won’t hate Will or me. By then, I’m sure Gia will have charmed another guy into marrying her even. I don’t say that to Will though. I’ve learned that when Will gets involved in something, he’s all in. He throws himself completely into it, and making him feel as though we’ll have to wait so long to really be together will make him angry or he’ll shut down.

“Okay, whatever you want,” he says before kissing me softly, tenderly, so differently from last night.

He pulls me to him and guides us to the floor, kissing my soul out of me. While his hands and lips explore me, I don’t think about her or what will happen. We’re only us, and I’ve never felt so good about being so selfish before.

Gia’s been so busy with school and work that Will just hasn’t had the chance to talk to her. I’m disappointed and relieved at the same time. The day after Zach leaves is so nerve-racking.

Walking back into our house feels utterly strange, as though I don’t belong here. Guilt crawls up my spine and rests there as I walk past Gia’s room to the bathroom. I shower for almost an hour, trying to wash away my guilt.

I walk to the grocery store and buy food for her favorite meal—baked chicken with white rice and spinach salad. She’ll be home in about an hour or so. My stomach feels as if it’s on a seesaw as I wait for her to come in. It seems as if the minutes have slowed down and simultaneously sped up. I want to get seeing her over with, but the delay is also comforting.

“Oh my God, is that baked chicken with rosemary I smell?” she calls.

My stomach drops, and I turn around to face her. “Yup.”

She walks up beside me and peeps into the oven. “Have I told you how much I love having you here?” She bumps my hip with hers.

My stomach starts to feel queasy.

“How was your visit with Zach?” she asks as she heads into her room to put away her stuff.

“It was good,” I say, wondering if I sound timid.

“So good news,” she says with a wide grin.

I smile back at her, and she looks at me a little curiously.

“Dad’s necklace fits you,” she says warmly. I want to punch myself in the stomach. I fiddle with it and giver her a weak grin instead. She continues to look at me in a probing way. Maybe I’m just paranoid.

“What is it?” I ask, sitting at the table.

She does the same, tilting her head to the side, her eyes glossing over me. “You look different.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, trying to control my breathing.

“I don’t know. It’s not bad, it’s good.” She grins at me, and guilt washes over me, then her eyes widen with excitement. “Did you sleep with Zach?”

Double load of guilt now. “No.” But I feel my cheeks heat up.

“You did, didn’t you!” she says, swatting me playfully.

“Maybe,” I say, feeling terrible about the lie.

“Wow! What happened? Tell me everything!” she says excitedly, then her face scrunches up. “You didn’t do it at Will’s, did you? He’d be mortified.” She chuckles, and I look away from her. “You did! Oh my gosh!”

She laughs, and I feel as if I’m on a roller coaster.

“How did you pull that off? I can’t believe Will didn’t stay up and stand guard while you slept. You should have seen how on edge he was when you guys left. He was acting like he was a knight trying to protect your virtue. It was so cute.” She giggles, and I give a fake laugh. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I just don’t feel real good. I think it’s something I ate earlier.” It’s the truth and a lie.

“Oh. Do you need me to go grab you something from the drug store?” she asks.

“No, I’m fine really.” I stand and turn off the oven. “I’m just going to lie down for a few minutes.”

“Okay,” she says, rubbing my shoulder.

I fall into my bed, and I do feel sick. Sick to my stomach, a feeling I hope goes away soon, it’s definitely nothing Pepto Bismol can cure.

T
oday is the day. It’s been four weeks since the night Gwen and I gave in and stopped fighting what we’ve both been feeling. I’ve been searching for the right way to tell Gia that it’s over. It hasn’t been easy, but I know the guilt Gwen feels about us sneaking around at work, coming here and doing what we’re doing while Gia and I are officially together, is starting to get to her.

I asked Gia over for dinner today, telling her I needed to talk to her about something important. I’ve never broken up with anyone before. I’ve dated girls but never seriously, and they always kind of fizzled out or we grew distant. Gia is my first real relationship. For almost two years, she’s been a part of my life, and I guess what makes this different is that even after tonight, she’ll still be a part of my life because she’s the sister of the woman I love. I don’t know what she’s going to say when I tell her. I hope I don’t blindside her. I mean, of course she wouldn’t expect this, but we’ve been distant; she’s been distant. Or not really distant. Just busy—busy with school, busy with work. We haven’t had a real date in almost three months.

I hear her come in. She has a key. My stomach feels as if it’s dropped eight floors.

“Hey,” she calls.

She takes off her coat and folds it neatly before laying it across the couch. She walks over to me siting on the sofa and kisses me softly, and I feel guilt surge through me. I pull away. She looks at me questioningly then giggles without saying anything.

“Chicken chili,” she says, walking into the kitchen. It’s the only thing I’m good at making.

“You know it.” I hear my voice waver.

She dishes us each a bowl. “So I have some good news.”

I force a smile as we sit at the table. I try to think if it’s crazy to let her eat before telling her what I have to. I know she won’t eat after, so is it wrong to let her eat and let us talk without her knowing? I feel each second I don’t tell her will make things worse.

“What?” I ask before putting a spoonful of chili in my mouth.

“Gordon has a new assistant,” she says happily.

“That’s great.”I smile but am unsure why her boss getting a new assistant is good news. I try to sound excited though. I want to make sure the time we spend together before I break up with her is good, bearable.

“But you don’t know why it’s great,” she says with a chuckle, and I do the same. Her face is lit up.

I know this news has to be something that makes her happy. I hope that what I tell her next won’t wipe that away.

“That means I won’t be working as many hours, that we’ll be able to spend more time together,” she says.

My chest feels as if someone is standing on it now. Her smile is warm, good energy radiating off her, and I feel gutted.

“I know we haven’t been spending as much time together, and I hate that. I don’t want us to grow apart. You’re really important to me, William.” Her voice is warm like honey, and I feel like complete shit.

I push my bowl away and think of what to do next. Should I sit here and tell her while we eat chili that I don’t want to be with her anymore? Should I stand? Is there etiquette for this sort of thing?

“William, what’s wrong?” she asks.

My thoughts must be playing out on my face. What do I say? What are the right words to soften the blow? I rub the back of my neck, hoping to release some of my tension. My throat has gone dry, and I clear it. Her gaze is on me, and I break away from it by staring at the steam coming from my bowl of chili.

“Will?” she says, her tone alarmed.

My eyes drift to her face, but then I focus on the engagement ring I gave her almost year ago. I think about all those feelings I had for her, the dreams and plans I made for us, and how it crushed me when she told me she wasn’t ready but would be one day. Even now,
one day
hasn’t come, and that gives me a small piece of courage.

“I can’t do this anymore, Gia,” I say quietly.

She squints at me as if she didn’t really hear what I said, as if I mumbled it. For a second, I wonder if she did hear me, then she sits up straighter, dropping her spoon. I hear her suck in a small breath, but her face stays still, perfectly so.

“I’m assuming you mean us?” she says slowly.

Our eyes meet. I tear mine away from her, and I nod. There’s a stretch of silence, and I see her eyes move to her ring. She rolls it between her fingers. I feel as though I should say something, that she’s waiting on me to say something, but “I’m sorry” seems trivial and nowhere near enough, yet I can’t give her the real explanation. If I speak, I’ll have to lie, and I don’t want to lie to her, not after everything that’s happened.

“Did I do something wrong? Is it because we haven’t spent a lot of time together?” Her voice is strong, but her expression is weak and vulnerable in a way I’ve never seen on her before.

“No, Gia. I think that when you really think about us, we don’t make sense,” I say, and her mouth moves into a tight line. She pulls off her ring and sits it on the table.

“Is that why you proposed to me?” she says sarcastically, but I know she’s hurt.

“I think that’s the reason you didn’t say yes,” I say softly.

Tears roll down her face, and my eyes water too.

“Is there someone else?” she asks the question I’ve been dreading.

I can’t lie to her. I start to tell her, but she raises her hand, stopping me. She smiles, but it’s a sad one.

“I don’t want to know. I’d rather not know,” she says quietly. She stands and rubs her hands down her thighs. “I’ll get my things.”

Her face is red, her eyes are wet, and her voice is shaking. I nod and sit at the table, looking at the ring she’s left on the table. My head feels clouded, but the tension in my chest starts to leave. I feel guilty but free. I hate that Gia’s hurting, but she’s smart, independent, and beautiful. She’ll find someone who will be in love with her, someone she’ll say yes to the first time they propose.

Gia is reasonable. Gwen’s right—after a couple of months, we can ease her into the fact that we’ve fallen in love. She won’t like it. I know it’ll be awkward at first, but she’ll accept it. She doesn’t have to feel betrayed. She doesn’t have to hate her sister or me.

“William,” she says. Her voice is sharp and high.

I stand from my chair immediately because it seems urgent. Before I can make it to the bedroom, she’s standing in the hallway. My eyes move to her hand, where her silver necklace dangles.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

Her face is beet-red, and I can tell she’s breathing hard from the way her chest moves up and down.