If I Let You Go (2 page)

“Yeah.”

“So, where does that leave you?”

“Screwed.”

“You don’t want to go with them? It would be amazing to live in New York!”

My thoughts ground to a halt. Why
didn’t
he ask me to go with them? I’d been looking after Tilly for three years. She’d never really known any other female. The rest of her family – the rest of both of our families – lived in Devon, and her mother … well, nobody knew where the hell she was. The Hartleys had moved into the house next door to my parents while I was away at Uni. I only met Dominic’s wife, Hayley, once or twice because by the time I left Uni, she’d run away with some bloke she’d met at work. She hadn’t made any attempt to contact her daughter in more than four years.

“Oh,” Erica said, noting my expression. “I see. Well, that’s just rude. Didn’t he give you any explanation?”

I rolled over onto my back with a sigh. “I didn’t give him much of a chance to explain anything. I just wanted to get out of there.”

“Well, maybe before you blow a fuse, you should listen to what he has to say.”

“I don’t want to hear it,” I told her. “Not yet. I need some time to calm down and let it all sink in. And by that I mean, I need to get drunk and jump around with a bunch of sweaty strangers. And we need to find you a new boyfriend!”

Erica rolled her eyes. “I should probably get over the last one first.”

“Probably,” I agreed. “No chance of getting him back?”

“I don’t think so. He said I’m too obsessive, but I’m not, am I? I mean, I called him a few times a day to arrange a third date but I don’t think I was
obsessive
. What do you think?”

I giggled. “Haven’t you learned that men don’t like to be called twelve times a day?”

“Okay,” she said, matter-of-factly, “I definitely called less than twelve times, and what was I supposed to do? Wait around for him? I know there are all those stupid dating self-help books that say you’re meant to hold back, maintain a bit of mystery, but screw that! What’s wrong with a girl asking for a date?”

“Nothing at all,” I told her, sitting up. “But maybe you should … try waiting. Or at least calling less.”

She shrugged, as if to say, ‘Why change the habit of a lifetime?’ and I laughed harder. “Erica, there is no hope for you.”

“I know,” she moaned. “I’m going to die alone!”

I stood up, and placed my hands on her shoulders. “You are too lovely for that to happen. Now, practise your smile while I go and get changed!”

**

The nearest decent nightlife was in Kingston-Upon-Thames, a fifteen minute cab ride from Esher. Talking about Erica’s love life over dinner helped take my mind off my own problems for a while, but I couldn’t completely rid myself of the knot of annoyance that had tied itself up inside me. By the time we got to the nightclub, I was desperate to start throwing cocktails down my neck.

Dominic had tried to call me seven times since I left the apartment, and each time, I’d ignored him. I didn’t want the sound of his voice in my head all night.

We’d only been at the club for an hour before Erica found a new guy to attach herself to. I watched from my spot at the bar as the handsome stranger wound himself around her on the dance floor. It never took her long to find someone else. Her unwavering faith in true love both amused and inspired me, although in honesty, I hadn’t looked for anything serious since … well … ever. I’d had boyfriends and heartbreaks during college and university, but I’d never been the kind of girl who needed a man in my life. For the last few years, I hadn’t really had time for dating because Tilly had been my focus.

The knot in my stomach tightened as I thought of her. God, I loved that little girl. She’d stolen my heart from the first moment I met her, and watching her grow into such a beautiful, kind-hearted kid had been nothing but a pleasure. An unexpected lump rose in my throat at the prospect of losing her, but a fresh wave of rage soon pushed it aside. Dominic can’t have thought his decision through properly, or he would have seen what a big mistake it was. Tilly could be cheeky at times, but for the most part, she was shy, especially around new people. It would be doubly hard for her if Dominic went away on business, and she had someone unfamiliar taking care of her.

“Well, good evening, Madison.”

The husky voice in my ear made my irritation melt away, and I turned around, smiling.

“Neil. It’s good to see you.”

“I didn’t know you’d be out tonight, you should have called.”

It was a mark of how stressed I’d been. Any other night I knew I’d be in Kingston, Neil was always first on my to-call list. A friend of Erica’s, I’d met him six months ago, when she’d invited me to celebrate her birthday with her and her friends. The attraction was instant. I couldn’t resist his dark hair, dark eyes … and his muscles? Wow. We never got into anything serious, but we had an unspoken agreement that we’d hook up whenever we could. Seemed like a pretty good deal to me. We had great sex, and didn’t have to worry about the pleasantries. It wasn’t nearly as cold as it sounded, in fact, I loved the familiarity of being with him. Neither of us ever wanted anything more serious.

“I’m sorry,” I said, genuinely. “There is a lot going on in my world at the moment, and I only just managed to escape tonight.”

“I’m glad you did,” he said, squeezing himself into a gap between me and the thirsty hordes surrounding the bar. “You look gorgeous.”

I’d gone for a slightly uncharacteristic retro look, at least with my dress. It was fifties style, with the kind of cut that moulds itself to every curve. The neckline was low and square, but I’d teamed it up with modern accessories to create an interesting mix of old and new.

“Thank you,” I said. “I haven’t had much chance to dress up lately, so I thought I’d make an effort.”

“On behalf of myself, and that bloke over there who has been staring at your legs for the last five minutes, I want to say the effort was definitely worth it.”

Following Neil’s gaze, I noticed a young lad, probably no more than eighteen, checking out the lower half of my body with approval. When I met his eye, his cheeks turned red and he quickly turned away.

“You embarrassed him!” Neil laughed.

“He wasn’t being very subtle!”

“No. But I don’t blame him for looking.”

He slid a hand around my waist, and drew me closer to him. “What do you say we get out of here and go back to my place?”

I laughed softly. “Later,” I told him. “Definitely later.”

His smile made my legs buckle, but as he leaned in to kiss me, I felt a vibration against my hip.

“God, I hope that’s your phone,” he said, making me laugh again.

“It is.”

Expecting it to be Dominic again, I pulled my mobile out of my bag to reject the call, only to find that I had a voicemail.

Listen to it
later. You’re having fun now. This is not the place to be thinking about work.

But I couldn’t ignore it. I had to know what Dominic wanted. Once I’d done so, I planned to turn the damn thing off so I could get on with my night in peace.

I gave Neil a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’ll be right back.”

By the club’s entrance, away from the loud music, I pressed play on the voicemail, waiting to hear Dominic’s voice. Instead, I heard a muffled sniffling sound. After a few seconds, Tilly’s voice said, “Madison? Madison? Daddy said we’re moving far away, but I don’t want to go. You have to tell him I can’t go. You have to.” Her voice gave way to some deep, heartbreaking sobs until her time ran out and she got cut off.

Tilly had memorised my number for emergencies. To her, this definitely qualified.

He told her? Right before bedtime, when there was no way she’d fall asleep knowing that news?

I glanced over to the bar where Neil ordered himself a drink while he waited, but I knew I couldn’t stay. I had to go home, to comfort Tilly and try to find a way to ease her fears. Tucking my phone back into my bag, I headed over to Neil, who greeted me with a smile. “Everything okay?”

I shook my head. “I have to go. Tilly needs me at home.”

He nodded in understanding, even though he looked a little disappointed. “Okay, but call me soon. We should get together sometime.”

“I’d love to,” I told him. I gave him a quick hug. “I’ll call you over the weekend, I promise.”

Even just those few minutes with Neil had been enough to remind me why I loved being with him. He was easy to talk to, and just so damn gorgeous. But Tilly was more important, and after telling Erica I had to go, I hopped into the nearest cab to go home.

“Sweetheart, calm down, please,” I heard Dominic say as I slipped in through the front door. Even though her room was a few doors away, I could hear Tilly’s huge, shuddering sobs and I dropped my bag on the floor in the hallway, slid my heels off, and hurried to her bedroom.

Dominic perched on the edge of Tilly’s bed, and she had her back to him, crying while he tried to soothe her.

“Hi,” I said, making them both jump.

Tilly sprang out from under the covers and leapt up into my arms, saying nothing, just weeping into my shoulder. I held her tightly, as Dominic stood up. “You came back.”

“Yes. Did you know Tilly called me?”

Confusion crossed his face. “How? I … Oh. She asked me to get her a drink of water about forty minutes ago. I guess she did it then. I’m glad you came, I don’t know how to calm her down.”

Of course you don’t. You’re never here long enough to know.

Telling him to let me deal with Tilly would have been the easy thing to do, but he needed to be there for her too. Sending him away would only serve to create another gap between them, and that was the last thing I wanted.

I carried Tilly back to bed, sitting her down and covering her with her duvet. Her face was streaked with tears, and she sniffled trying to calm herself down.

“Dom, could you grab some tissues please?” I asked.

I could handle a lot of gross stuff, but kid snot was not one of them.

Dominic nodded before leaving the room, and I reached out for Tilly’s hand.

“I don’t want to go away,” she said, her head bowed. “I don’t want to.”

“I know, honey. But Daddy has a new job.”

“He had a new job before, but we didn’t have to go away.”

Tilly understood enough about Dominic’s work to know that it changed sometimes, but she had no comprehension of just how well he’d done. He worked as a business analyst for a global finance company, and he’d climbed through the ranks at high speed due to his incredible dedication. Every promotion meant he could better provide for his daughter, but it also meant he spent less time with her. Neither Tilly nor myself had any idea whether New York would actually give her back her father, but we were both united in one thing. Neither of us wanted them to go.

“This is a different job,” I explained. “It means Daddy will get paid more money.”

“I don’t care about money, I want to stay with you!”

Telling her I wanted that too would only have made her more upset with Dominic. Instead, I pulled her into my arms again and gently stroked her hair.

Dominic returned, handing me the box of tissues, and I plucked some out then moved Tilly slightly away from me so I could wipe her nose and dry her eyes. Her eyes were stunning. The exact same shade of blue as her father’s, but with longer lashes. Seeing them shine with tears stabbed at my soul, making me want to cry with her.

“Do you know what I think?” I asked, tilting Tilly’s chin upwards a little, and giving her a smile.

“What?”

“I think you should give Daddy a hug, then we’ll read you a bedtime story until you fall asleep.”

“But what about going away? I want Daddy to say we’re not going!”

“I promise we’ll talk about it tomorrow. Everyone’s tired now, but tomorrow we can talk about it properly. Together.”

Slowly, Tilly nodded. “Can you make Daddy change his mind?” she whispered, as if she hoped he couldn’t hear her.

“I can’t make him, darling. I can’t. But I promise that you will get a chance to tell him how you feel. But you need some rest first, okay?”

She nodded again, and I said, “Give Daddy a hug.”

Tilly eyed him as if he were the Devil, then sighed. Only when the hostility had gone, did Dominic reach out to her.

“I love you,” he said, gently.

“Love you too.”

Tilly lay back on the bed, and Dominic tucked her in while I searched the toy-strewn floor to locate her toy monkey, Mungo – who she couldn’t sleep without. He must have got tossed away during her tantrum, and I found him on the roof of her doll’s house.

It was another half an hour before she finally fell asleep, with both me and Dominic at her side, taking in turns to read from one of her favourite books. I was shattered by the time we were finished, and I quickly retreated to the kitchen in search of something alcoholic to take the edge off.

About a thousand questions popped into my head through the evening, and I knew that if I didn’t get at least some of them out, I would never get to sleep. Plus, if I was going to honour my promise to Tilly, I’d need to have some idea of what Dominic’s plans were, in order to help him make the transition to New York easier for her.

I located a bottle of beer in the fridge, and wasted no time popping the lid off and taking a swig.

“Thank you, Madison.”

Dominic stood in the doorframe, his hair a mess, presumably from where he’d raked frustrated fingers through it. His face looked drawn, in a way that only happens after a stressful day.

He’d better get used to that.

“I didn’t really come back for you,” I told him, with more honesty than I’d intended.

“I know. But I still appreciate it.”

“Well, you’re welcome. Do you want a beer?”

He shook his head. “I already had one. Best keep a clear head in case Tilly wakes up again.”

I took another drink, and Dominic said, “It was good of you to tell Tilly that we’ll talk about New York tomorrow. It’ll help her sleep. But you know it won’t change anything, don’t you?”