If I Let You Go (8 page)

“I need Mungo!”

“Mungo’s at home,” I said, but let go of her for a second to reach down into my bag. “But I brought something for you.”

“What is it?”

I lifted my dog out of my bag and handed it to her. “This is my friend, Patch. I know you want Mungo, but Patch used to look after me when I was little. I thought you might like to borrow him until we get home.”

Tilly turned Patch over in her hands a few times, probably debating whether or not he would be an acceptable substitute. Eventually, she hugged him close to her. “He smells like you.”

I laughed. “Well he used to be my best friend. I’ve spent lots of time with him.”

Wiping her eyes, she said, “Thank you. Can you read me a story?”

“Of course I can, sweetheart.”

It was almost an hour before Tilly really calmed down. She snuggled Patch close to her as if her life depended on him. To her mind, it probably did. She refused to tell me about her nightmare, and she clung to my hand for forty minutes before she would even let me start reading to her. I was happy to stay with her for as long as she needed, but it drained me to see her so upset. No child should ever be that afraid or unhappy, and every ounce of my strength went into righting what was wrong. Even if only temporarily. It was enough for now, enough to let her rest without any fears.

Once she fell asleep, I kissed her forehead, and crept out, leaving the door open a crack in case she woke up again.

Dominic and Jayne sat at the kitchen table, talking quietly, and they gave me hopeful smiles as I entered.

“She’s out for the count,” I told them. “I think she tired herself out.”

“I’m not surprised,” Jayne said. “She certainly knows how to scream.”

“I wish I knew what happened in those nightmares. She won’t tell.”

“When she woke up, she said there was a stranger in her room,” Dominic said. “At first she kept saying, ‘Make her go away,’ then she started screaming for you.”

Maybe the Disney movies she loved which emphasised wicked stepmothers, combined with her fear of who would take care of her in New York had led to her bad dreams.

I’d had a few similar nightmares myself.

“Would you like a cup of tea?” Jayne asked, standing up. “I was about to put the kettle on.”

“Thanks, but I think I’ll head home. I’m tired now.”

“I understand,” Jayne replied, with a smile. “But you’ll come round sometime this week, won’t you? It’s been a long time since we’ve had a good natter!”

“Of course. I’ll give you a ring, and we’ll arrange a time.”

Jayne gave me another hug, and Dominic said, “Do you need a lift home?”

“Yes please, if you don’t mind leaving Tilly.”

“She’ll be fine with mum for a while. I’ll take you.”

The silence in Dominic’s car as he drove me home made me nervous. When he offered me a lift, I assumed he had something he wanted to say. Scratch that. I
knew
he had something to say by the way he focused so intently on the road. He’d driven these streets a million times, it didn’t need such a high level of concentration. He was thinking. My heart began to pound, slowly at first, but by the time he pulled up outside my parents’ house, it was hammering to the point where I thought I might require a trip to A&E.

“Thanks for the ride,” I said, trying not to look at him.

“Thank you for coming over.”

“No problem. I’m glad Tilly’s feeling better now.”

I reached down to unclip my seatbelt, but Dominic put his hand over mine, forcing me to look up at him.

“I realised something tonight,” he said. His voice was shaky, his breath a little ragged. “I realised that I don’t know how to look after my own daughter. I don’t know how to make the nightmares go away, I don’t know how to calm her down. I forgot to pack her monkey.”

“Dom-”

“I should know these things, Madison. But I don’t. I don’t know a thing about her.”

“That’s not true,” I told him. “And the things you don’t know, you can learn.”

“She’s going to be six next week! I should know them by now!”

He slammed his hands against the steering wheel, then leaned his head against it.

A picture of despair.

“I watched you with her tonight,” he said, after a while. “I saw you holding her hand, stroking her hair. Talking to her about your toy dog, and listening to every word she said, even though it was coming out in a tired jumble. You always know the right things to say to her. I don’t know how to do that.”

Resting my hand on his shoulder, I said, “It takes time. You can’t just have a kid and expect to know what they’re thinking or how they feel if you’re not always around. They change and grow up so quickly. If you turn away even for a minute, they’ve learned something new.”

“Everything she learned, she learned from you. She tells me. Every night on the phone, and when I come home, she tells me about the things you’ve done together.”

“I know what you’re thinking,” I said. “And you’re wrong. I don’t agree with you moving to New York, but I know why you do what you do, and it’s not because you’re a bad father. I see you working every hour of every day to give Tilly everything she needs because you think you need to make up for her growing up without a mother. But you don’t need to try so hard. You’ve done it. You’re successful, you can provide for her, and now she needs you. Just you.”

Slowly, he straightened up. “If there’s one thing I did right for her, it wasn’t working so hard. It was choosing you. Don’t think I haven’t always appreciated you, because I have, but I’m only just starting to realise how much of who she is is down to you.”

“I think it was a team effort,” I said, softly. “But thank you.”

Dominic hesitantly raised his hand a little, then lowered it. The move made my heart race again, and when he smiled at me, I felt it. I felt it in every part of me, like the smallest curve of his lips had the power to cause an energy surge in my body.

The answers to those questions I’d been ignoring began to fall into place.

“I should go,” I said.

When he raised his hand again, he didn’t change his mind. His fingertips gently found their way into my hair, only touching very lightly, but enough to make me tingle. My head lowered as I tried to find the strength to walk away, but he put his finger under my chin and carefully tilted it upwards. I closed my eyes, because looking into his would make me fall harder, deeper than I wanted to go. With my eyes shut, every other sense I possessed came alive, and I knew his lips were a mere fraction from mine.

“Please,” I breathed. “Please don’t make me fall in love with you.”

His forehead rested against mine, his hand moving from under my chin to the back of my neck. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. But I think something’s happening here.”

All it would take is one tiny movement.

I couldn’t let myself kiss him. Even if everything in me wanted him, I couldn’t put myself through it.

“No,” I said, pulling away. “You’re upset about Tilly, and you’re only thinking about me this way because it’s what’s right for her.”

Dominic only ever wanted what was best for Tilly, and he’d suddenly realised that I was it. He thought I was the best person to take care of her, but that didn’t automatically mean he should feel something for me.

“That’s not true,” he said.

“Isn’t it?”

His silence gave me my answer. I took a long, deep breath, then stepped out of the car without another word.

Chapter 8

Day two hundred and sixty-three without any
sleep,
and Madison Connor is starting to lose the plot.

There was not enough caffeine in the world to get my brain working, but I’d guzzled three cups by eight on Monday morning anyway. I planned to go to Exeter with my mum, so I could see how much the city had changed in the last couple of years, and also, to try to block out the images of Dominic that had tattooed themselves inside my head.

All night, it was as if he was in the room with me. The look in his eyes when I’d arrived at his mum’s the night before, the way he’d been so open about how he felt, the sensation of his fingers entwined in my hair. It all led me to the one place I never wanted to go.

But is it real?

When I’d told Neil that I thought my feelings for Dominic were based on fear, I truly meant it. Just as I believed his feelings for me were more about Tilly than him, I’d convinced myself I was just panicked because he was leaving.

If that was true though, I wouldn’t have found it so hard to walk away from him when he almost kissed me. I wouldn’t have felt every word he’d said sinking into me, and I wouldn’t have stayed awake all night wishing I’d allowed myself to fall just a little bit further, to really understand.

My plan for the day was disrupted when I got a phone call from Tilly at nine, asking me if I wanted to join her, Dominic, Jayne, Dave and his family on a picnic on Dartmoor. She said her uncle Dave had “requested my presence,” and Dominic would pick me up at ten.

Logic told me to stay away. I was tired, confused and being near Dominic would only make it worse.

But I wanted to be there. And I hadn’t made any official plans with my mum, so I told Tilly I’d be ready at ten, then set about getting dressed. It was the perfect day for a Dartmoor picnic. The sun promised a scorching summer day. I dressed accordingly, slipping into a short-ish denim skirt and a black vest top.

I hadn’t been to the moors in about ten years, and in spite of any potential awkwardness, I was excited to be going back to a place where I’d spent many brilliant summers, splashing in the rivers and watching the Dartmoor ponies. Tilly’s mood was bright when she knocked on my door. She gave me a wide grin, throwing her arms around me, then dragging me down the path to Dominic’s car, her restless night forgotten.

Climbing into the back seat - because Jayne was in the front - made the events of the night before flick through my mind. His car – a Mercedes C-Class Coupe - always smelled of leather, and a scent that was distinctly
him
. I tried not to breathe it in, but it’s impossible to avoid filling your senses with something that smells so good.

Dangerous thoughts.

After I’d said good morning to Jayne, Dominic gave me an awkward smile, which I returned, equally as awkwardly.

“Ready to go?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

“And I’m ready!” Tilly added, making us laugh.

We arrived at the arranged meeting point at Spitchwick Common, and set out a blanket on the grass. Tilly jumped up and down, eager for her aunt, uncle and cousins to arrive. Before she could burn in the already scorching heat, Dominic handed me the sunscreen, and I made sure all of Tilly’s exposed skin was well covered in factor 30 while he pulled out some folding chairs and a bunch of toys and games to keep the kids entertained. It was still early, but slowly, more families arrived, ready to enjoy the little piece of heaven on earth that was Dartmoor.

Dave, his wife, Mel, and their two children, Jake and Danielle, arrived around thirty minutes after us and as they approached, carrying their own boatload of supplies, I noticed that Dave’s clothes were soaking wet. Jake and Danielle ran to greet Tilly and the three of them sped off to play together.

“Madison,” Mel said, hugging me tightly, “I’m so glad you could come! It’s great to see you.”

Mel’s sleek black hair was cropped, perfectly showing off her high cheekbones. She looked even more gorgeous than I remembered. It had been over a year since I last saw her, when we’d had a crazy, impromptu night on the town, which ended with us waking everyone in her house when she’d stumbled through the front door and crashed into the huge potted plant at the bottom of the stairs.

“It’s great to see you too,” I said. “I can’t believe how big the kids are getting!”

“I know,” she laughed, watching them as they ran around. “It’ll be Jake’s ninth birthday next month, and Danielle’s nearly seven. Seems like just yesterday I was pushing them around in their prams!”

“Madison, come over here and hug me!” Dave’s voice said from behind me.

I smiled broadly at Dominic’s big brother, who had his arms outstretched. Dave was a larger version of Dom. Taller, rounder, and louder, but bundles of fun and always so full of energy. A trip to Devon without seeing Dave was a trip wasted.

“Dave,” I said. “I’ve missed you but you are dripping wet, and I’ve just put on sunblock. What happened to you?”

Mel chuckled beside me, and Dave said, “My idiot brother thought it would be ‘fun’ if we got some water balloons to throw around. He phoned and asked me to fill them up and bring them with me. I had them in a bag on my lap, but I didn’t count on some idiot driving too fast down a narrow lane. Mel had to brake hard, and I got a lap full of rubber and water! So, no water balloons today.”

“You thought it was a good idea too.” Dominic grinned.

“I did, but I didn’t expect to end up being the
only
one having a water fight.”

“You’ll soon dry,” Mel said. “It’s boiling out here.”

Dave whipped off his shirt and laid it out on the ground beside the blanket. “Will you hug me now, Madison?” he asked, making Mel laugh harder.

“You’re such a tart, David,” she said.

“You really are a tart,” I said, letting him embrace me. “But it’s good to see you.”

“You too, kid. You too.”

The day at Spitchwick couldn’t have gone any better. The children were having the time of their lives, playing badminton, chasing each other, dipping their toes into the river and eating large amounts of sugary crap their parents usually made them avoid. While Dominic, Jayne and Mel played football with the kids, Dave and I stretched ourselves out on a blanket, soaking up some rays. He’d been shooting glances my way all day, but there had barely been five minutes of quiet for us to talk without anyone else around. Mel eventually rounded up the troops, because we both knew Dave wanted to discuss New York with me. I’d been half expecting it since Tilly told me he’d asked for me to come along to the picnic.