If You're Not the One (12 page)

This was a familiar, well-trodden theme which she glossed over slightly, not wanting to annoy Max so much that she lost his attention.

‘You and I seem to be in a bit of a rut. Plus I seem to irritate you more than I used to, and I know we've got everything and that I should be bloody grateful for that…but I just feel so sad at the moment. And…frustrated…And, if I'm being totally honest, I'm getting a bit fed up with hearing about flipping Judith every five seconds.'

Max looked at her for a while then shovelled some more spaghetti in his mouth, seemingly unmoved by her outburst.

‘You,' he said, pointing at her with his fork, ‘are having an MLC.'

‘A what?' said Jennifer, irritated that he had already come up with some crap acronym for what she personally
felt was a pretty life-changing and difficult phase. Was that the best he could come up with?

‘An MLC,' he repeated. ‘Mid. Life. Crisis. You've always been a bit impatient so instead of waiting to get to forty you're bringing it forward to thirty-eight.'

‘I'm not sure it's as simple as that,' said Jennifer, feeling flustered. ‘I mean, admittedly I'm sure there is a bit of that in the mix. I hate being our age sometimes. I hate the fact we never go out dancing and that a lot of people my age wear boot-cut jeans but it's more than that, Max. I don't think they just hand out anti-depressants to anyone.'

‘I know,' he said, not looking totally convinced. ‘And I know you've been really down but you've got to remember that you're doing great. You're busy with the kids and you've got a job, which helps bring in a bit of spending money.'

‘Patronising.'

‘Sorry.'

‘How about a holiday?' suggested Jennifer, suddenly desperate not to be anxious and confused all the time. ‘I know we said we weren't going to have one this year but you know what? I think it might be just what we need, as a family and more to the point as a couple.'

‘No,' said Max. ‘You were the one who wanted to paint the front of the house last year, plus we don't know what's happening with my work so let's just stick to the plan. We can go to my parents in the holidays for a while.'

‘Oh well that'll be a stress buster,' said Jennifer deeply sarcastically, before taking a deep breath and trying again. ‘OK, look, I know money's a bit tight but how about if I take on some extra days at the agency? Then I can pay for us to go away.'

‘Er…where?' laughed Max, in a way that made her want to grab the grater and use it on his face.

‘I don't know. Perhaps we could get a good deal somewhere last minute in Spain, or wherever. I just think I've been feeling so down lately that a change of scene might sort me out. Give me something to look forward to. I don't care if it's somewhere cheap and cheery.'

‘I think it's a bad idea,' said Max. ‘I would rather not go anywhere than go somewhere shit and depressing just because it's the only thing we can afford. If my contract gets extended we'll go on holiday next year, but this year we're in the middle of a massive recession in case you hadn't noticed so we have to go without and that's that.'

‘Again. Patronising,' said Jennifer.

Later, as they sat in silence watching telly, Jennifer thought despairingly of their earlier exchange. She wasn't naive or stupid. She knew there was a bloody recession on but sometimes wished Max would be a little less cautious. Yes, they would have to scrimp a bit to go away but wouldn't it be worth it? Wasn't getting things back on track between them worth splurging on? After all, a divorce would be far more damaging to their finances than
a holiday, she thought bitterly, deciding against voicing this out loud.

For some reason her ex Tim popped into her head. There was no chance he'd be going without a holiday this year, she thought wryly. His wife was probably permanently on one long holiday, like a leathered lizard bedecked in jewels. In fact they probably owned a frigging island somewhere. Like Richard Branson.

‘Do you want to watch another episode?' yawned Max.

‘No, you're all right,' she said. ‘I think I might go and have a bath.'

Ten minutes later as she slid into water hot enough to cause serious problems with her veins, Max suddenly gave her a terrible shock by poking his head round the bathroom door on his way to bed.

‘By the way,' he said, ‘if you start wearing miniskirts with knee-high boots we can definitely confirm the MLC.'

Jennifer summoned up her most sarcastic face possible and casually flicked him the bird before sliding into the water, thinking as she did so, ‘And I can confirm that you are well and truly getting on my tits.'

‘How did it go?' mouthed Karen, as Jennifer barrelled towards her friends in the pub, looking flustered.

‘Fine,' she said dismissively, not wanting to discuss the disaster that had been last Friday night and her failure to lure her own husband into bed.

‘You all right? You look stressed.'

‘Oh it's just Max,' she said. ‘He knew I wanted to get out tonight and promised he'd get back early but of course ended up
having
to stay later at work. He's being really weird at the moment.'

‘Well it's not his fault if he has to work late I guess,' said Karen mildly, holding her handbag on her lap, like the queen. Having come straight from work herself she was wearing a rather staid black skirt suit and not for the first time Jennifer thought it a shame her friend refused to ever do any exercise. She was still carrying an awful lot of the extra weight which she'd put on when pregnant with Suzy. It didn't really matter of course and yet being a bit tubby and having such a huge bust made her look rather matronly which in turn aged her considerably. She didn't
really resemble the feisty, big-boobed sex bomb she'd been in her youth.

In stark contrast, these days Lucy was looking better than ever. Having been the ugly duckling of the group when they were younger, nowadays she'd taken firm control of her appearance. She was gym and yoga honed, spent a considerable part of her wages on good haircuts and highlights and had finally worked out that what suited her most were slim-fitting clothes in shades which complemented rather than battled with her English complexion.

‘Anyway, enough of all that,' said Jennifer now, not wanting to sound like an old harridan yet still not able to quash the uneasy niggle she'd had for ages that all was not right with her husband. ‘How are you both and where's Esther?'

‘Couldn't get a sitter,' said Lucy. ‘Or…wouldn't get a sitter, not sure which. I think money's a bit tight for them at the moment.'

‘Ah, fair enough then,' said Jennifer, thinking what a shame it was and also in a sense how pathetic it was that these days it was seemingly impossible for their foursome to be precisely that. It always proved so difficult to find a time when they could simultaneously abandon the responsibilities of work or childcare simply for a few paltry hours. ‘I'm going to the bar. Are you both on wine? If so I'll get a bottle.'

Karen and Lucy nodded, though as soon as she was
out of earshot, Karen, pulled a face. ‘She's not happy is she?'

‘She's all right I think, not her usual bubbly self admittedly but she seems OK,' said Lucy.

When Jennifer returned from the bar though, Karen was determined to get to the bottom of things. ‘Come on Jen, you're obviously fed up. Why don't you tell us what's really wrong? It can't just be Max getting home late. Surely that's not such a big deal?'

‘Oh I don't know,' replied Jennifer, smiling wryly at how well Karen knew her. ‘It's no biggie really. I'm just generally feeling a bit down. Bit depressed about being so unemployable and unsure how to fix it. Plus, things aren't that brilliant between me and Max at the moment, which he keeps blaming squarely on the fact that I'm having some sort of mid-life crisis, which to be fair I probably am.'

‘Aren't we all,' laughed Lucy.

‘Probably,' agreed Jennifer. ‘It's a weird stage of life I think. I keep reminding myself that I've “got it all”, two lovely children, a husband and a nice roof over my head etc etc. Yet, if you'd told me when I was twenty-one that by the time I was thirty-eight I'd be permanently exhausted, work part time in an estate agents and that my marriage would be a bit stale, I'd have been horrified. Still, I'm probably not the only one feeling like this am I?'

‘Course not,' agreed Karen vehemently. ‘Take last
week for instance. I got told by my bitch boss that I can't have a pay rise
yet again
, then five minutes later found out my male equivalent is earning ten grand more a year than me, so believe me when I say I know that “how did it come to this” feeling.'

‘Well there you go then,' said Jennifer. ‘Only due to the fact I don't have any hope of resurrecting a decent career for myself, I probably focus more on how drab things are between me and Max.'

‘Oh, you and Max are solid as a rock,' protested Lucy, which Jennifer thought was a bit weird. It was her relationship after all. She was the only one of them actually in it so surely the only one with the right to make big sweeping statements about the state of it.

‘Christ, if you two are in trouble what hope is there for the rest of us?'

Jennifer shrugged, not wanting her and Max to be held up as an example of the perfect couple all the time, a symptom of having married someone who got on well with all her friends. ‘Well,' she answered eventually, thinking it was probably time to inject some positivity into the conversation before they all got the urge to smash their wine glasses in unison and communally slash their wrists. ‘I think there probably is hope actually, and it comes in the form of Esther and Jim because although they've been together since the dawn of time, I don't think
they
have any problems in terms of staleness. I know they've got their problems financially but the other day she told me
that after a recent night out they ended up doing it in their downstairs loo! I couldn't believe it.'

‘You're kidding me,' gasped Lucy. ‘They're like rabbits those two. How do they manage to keep things so fresh? I'd genuinely love to know.'

‘Why? Aren't you and Dave getting on?' asked Jennifer, curious to hear, especially if it meant finding out that someone else felt even remotely like she did.

‘Oh we're all right,' Lucy said flatly. ‘You know, we're fine, although recently I've wanted to murder him on a pretty much daily basis, not helped by the fact I've got a terrible crush on someone. There's this guy who works in the deli round the corner from my work and I've developed a complete fantasy about him. I know it's because my sex life is so non-existent at home but I've been going there fully made-up most days. We've never had so many olives in the fridge. The kids actually know what a pimento is.'

‘I had no idea you and Dave didn't have a great sex life,' said Jennifer, genuinely shocked.

‘It's not really the sort of thing you broadcast is it?' shrugged Lucy. ‘And it goes without saying I would appreciate it if you kept it firmly under your hat please.'

‘Of course,' said Karen, who was dying for a cigarette. Usually she'd have already gone outside to have one by now but she didn't want to miss any of the conversation. It was all coming out tonight.

‘Oh Luce, I know how you feel,' said Jennifer, full of
empathy. ‘I know Max loves me, but sometimes I feel like he hasn't looked at me properly for years. It sucks doesn't it?'

‘It's awful,' agreed Lucy, leaning in suddenly and lowering her voice to ensure only her friends could hear what she was going to say next. ‘I mean, you know you've hit rock bottom when you go to the clinic for a vaginal probe, to check you haven't got fibroids…and you actually enjoy it.'

Karen recoiled, her face a shocked picture, turning this way and that to check no one anywhere near them had heard. ‘That's one of the funniest and yet also most disgusting things I've ever heard in my life.'

‘I know,' said Lucy. ‘Or the most depressing, I'm still not sure which. I even told Dave about it, to demonstrate how truly desperate I am for him to get his mojo back but he just grunted and called me a weirdo. Now come on Jen, Max can't be that bad.'

‘Mm…you say that, but I can't remember the last time he told me he loved me. Every time I try to reach out to him he's either too tired, or can't be bothered. He's so….casual about me, so complacent that sometimes I just really wish…' Jennifer stared down at her glass and for a worrying moment her friends thought she might be about to cry ‘…sometimes wish I could have that feeling again, you know the one you get when you first meet someone and everything's amazing and they're madly in love with you and can't keep their hands off you.' She stopped,
needing to express herself fully but slightly embarrassed by the next bit. ‘I suppose I want to be…grabbed. I want to be…desired, loved.'

‘But Max does love you,' insisted Lucy, seemingly determined not to hear what she was saying. Possibly Jennifer's woes held a mirror up to her own marriage, only not one she wanted to look in. ‘Any fool can see that.'

‘Oh I don't doubt he loves me, like he loves his slippers or his iPad, but I don't think he
fancies
me any more. He never wants to throw me on the bed, or stroke my face or stare into my eyes.'

‘Oh for god's sake,' giggled Karen despite herself. ‘You've got two children, of course he doesn't. That sort of passion never lasts, but it doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive any more.'

‘Then how come we haven't had sex in months?'

‘How many months is months?' asked Lucy.

‘Four…no, actually five now.'

Already privy to this information Karen simply looked on, though her face demonstrated exactly how dire she thought this was.

‘I'm not kidding,' said Jennifer in case anyone thought she was.

‘Well I don't think that's that bad,' admitted Lucy, looking miserable.

That shut them up.

‘You are joking?' said Karen. ‘Why? How many have you gone without for?'

‘Six ish?' she half whispered.

‘That's awful, Lucy,' stated Karen.

Jennifer agreed. She was dumbfounded really and wondered if there was an actual complacency virus going about.

‘Well, it's probably not
that
out of the ordinary,' said Lucy, suddenly defensive. ‘I mean we have got two children who never sleep. Honestly, it's like I've literally given birth to vampires, and Dave's been so stressed since losing his job he's lost all his confidence. Sex is the last thing on his mind right now.'

‘Fair enough,' agreed Jennifer. It was true. Dave's sense of self-worth had diminished before their very eyes after he was made redundant. ‘And I suppose with me and Max, we were never the sort of people who liked doing it in the evening. We always used to like doing it at the weekends, you know, when you could be leisurely about it in the mornings, so when you have children there's just never really an opportunity.'

‘Blimey,' said Karen, still looking like her friends were talking another language. ‘I think Pete would prefer doing it in
front
of the children, no matter how scarred it would leave them, rather than go without.'

Jennifer sighed. ‘It's not really sex I miss. It's excitement. Sometimes I find myself worrying that I could be on my death bed thinking, “Why didn't you get your kicks when you could, you silly woman? Before you were too old and ugly to do anything about it.” I found
myself remembering the time we went to Kos the other day.'

Her friend's faces immediately lit up at the memory.

‘Oh my god, what were we like?' grinned Karen. ‘Do you remember that awful carpet fitter I was seeing?'

‘Mark,' said Lucy.

‘Yeah, Mark. Did I tell you he sent me a Facebook friend request?'

‘No way,' said Lucy. ‘He remembered your name after all these years?'

‘Yup,' said Karen proudly. ‘He sent me a prediction via reUNIon too. Sorry, Jen.'

‘Do you remember sexy Aidan?' asked Jennifer, ignoring the reference to reUNIon. She was used to it.

‘God yes,' said Lucy. ‘I was so jealous of you. He was beautiful.'

‘I know. I'd love to know what he was up to now.'

‘Drug dealing in Australia?' suggested Karen drily.

‘No,' tutted Jennifer. ‘He probably is in Oz but I don't think he'd be doing that. Don't you remember he wanted to start up a scuba diving school? He's probably living the life of Riley, on the beach, brown as a berry, healthy and happy.'

‘Do you remember how close you came to going off with him?' asked Karen. ‘I still get palpitations thinking about that now. I remember standing on that jetty thinking, oh my god I'm going to have to explain to her mum when she comes to pick us up at the airport. “Ah hello
Mrs Drew, no, Jennifer isn't with us. She's decided to stay with a sex god called Aidan and his nice big bag of white doves, which are the other thing she's taken quite a fancy to.”'

They all laughed.

‘I seriously considered going with him you know,' said Jennifer.

‘I know you did,' said Karen indignantly. ‘Don't you remember me crying about it?'

Jennifer nodded vaguely. She could remember only too clearly the details of that scorching hot afternoon. Only she'd hate her friends to know quite how often she'd found herself recalling them lately.

‘You were always lucky on the man front. Do you remember Steve?' added Karen.

‘Ah lovely Steve,' cooed Lucy, looking positively drippy. ‘He was such a poppet wasn't he? I always had a bit of a soft spot for him, and in terms of someone adoring you, my god Jen, you literally couldn't have asked for anything more. He used to look at you like a puppy dog. Now there's an example of a man who would have walked on hot coals for you and was permanently complimenting you but, if you remember, it used to drive you mad,' she said, practically wagging her finger. ‘To the point where it was the precise fact that Max was a bit cooler with you that made you feel like you'd met your match. You loved the fact he wouldn't let you get away with stuff like Steve did.'

‘True,' said Jennifer. ‘I did love Steve though and I did always appreciate how lovely he was to me. Finishing with him wasn't an easy decision by any stretch of the imagination. I got rid of a good man there and we all know they don't grow on trees don't we.'