If You're Not the One (25 page)

‘You haven't been for a while. It's good to see you.'

‘Good to see you too,' said Jennifer, though she wasn't entirely sure it was. She'd taken a break from therapy in order to reflect on whether it was actually working for her or not. On balance she'd decided that it was. She just wasn't a very patient person. Never had been, and yet what had become clear was that achieving anything from the process would take time. There were no overnight answers. Instead, she tended to go away after a session, ponder what had been discussed and perhaps understand more about
why
she felt the way she did but not necessarily what to do about it.

She was also very wary of the constant need to analyse her childhood. It just felt a bit pointless. Her parents had done their best. They were good people. So what if she'd ‘married her mother'? The past was done. What she was after was some help with the present. Still, she had decided to persevere.

‘So, what brings you back today, Jennifer?' asked
Susan, a petite woman in her sixties with a short cropped hairstyle and disarmingly deep voice, which wasn't the only clue to her voracious smoking habit. Susan's face was considerably lined for her age and there were deep grooves running down towards her top lip. She always insisted Jennifer took her shoes off when entering her house which was where she held her sessions in the smallest of her three bedrooms.

‘It's been a bit of a mad week I suppose,' admitted Jennifer. ‘Yesterday, Eadie, my eldest, broke her arm. It was horrific.'

‘Oh my goodness. How terrible! Is she OK?'

‘Yes, she's fine.'

‘And you?'

Jennifer paused. Why was it the minute she got in this room she always wanted to blub like a baby?

‘Um…' She blinked rapidly. Thankfully Susan realised she needed helping out.

‘Tell me about you and Max. Last time I saw you, you had some concerns about your relationship. How are things now?'

‘Not great,' said Jennifer dolefully. ‘I don't know really. Yesterday, at the hospital, I was so desperate to see him but when he finally arrived all he did was lay into me about what had happened. Like it was my fault. It was so strange. I'd been expecting a hug and for him to ask me if I was all right. How he reacted just highlighted that there's a big gulf between us at the moment.'

‘Why do you think that is?'

‘I think it's a couple of things really. We've always had a bit of an issue about whether I should work or not and lately I've been feeling quite resentful about sacrificing my career to stay at home. If I'm honest I think I partly only did it to please him. He's a modern man in so many ways but I know he loves having dinner on the table when he gets in. Sometimes he makes me feel like he wants me chained to the sink.'

‘What's the other thing?'

Jennifer exhaled noisily, already despairing at what she was about to say, ‘He keeps banging on about how wonderful this woman at work called Judith is and it really upsets me because of course the irony is she's a career woman who barely knows what her children's names are.'

‘And how does that make you feel?'

‘Inadequate, lacking by comparison and also annoyed at myself for not having focused more on what I want to do.'

Susan nodded.

‘I get a bit jealous too. There was a time when Max thought I was the best thing since sliced bread. Now I just seem to annoy him. Though perhaps I'm just being ultra-sensitive.'

‘Going back to what you said earlier. Did Max specifically tell you to give up work?'

‘Not directly. He always said it was up to me but then
would infer that for lots of reasons it would be more sensible if I stayed at home.'

‘And what did you think?'

‘I think that's the problem. I didn't really know so I just went with the flow and tried to do the easiest thing for everyone. And in many ways I'm glad I did. I've been able to be there for the girls and it's been incredibly rewarding in many ways. Only now they're getting bigger, I suppose I worry about being so financially dependent. Especially with our marriage on shaky ground.'

Susan's gaze never left Jennifer's face.

Jennifer was filled with the familiar urge she often got when she came here to punch her square in the jaw.

‘Have you told Max any of this? Have you discussed your fears?'

‘I've tried to, but weird as it may sound we never seem to get any proper time together and half the time he doesn't listen anyway.'

She sighed heavily and it occurred to her then how odd it was that she was sitting in someone's box room, on a sun-lounger which had been covered in a throw in order to disguise it, pouring her heart out to a stranger. A stranger who she occasionally spotted doing her shopping in Sainsbury's, no doubt spending the money she'd earned listening to people like her moaning about their lives.

Silence filled the room but Susan's expression didn't change which made Jennifer want to say something purely
for shock value, just to see if her expression would change.

After what felt like an endless pause Susan finally spoke. ‘Do you think there's any chance at all that you're having a mid-life crisis?'

Jennifer couldn't help it. She rolled her eyes.

‘What?'

‘I'm sorry, it's just you're not the first person to suggest that that's what all this is about.'

‘And, are you?'

‘No.'

‘No you aren't having one?'

‘No, I mean yes I am. I mean…what I mean is, there's not a chance I'm having one. I'm definitely having one.'

For once Susan looked mildly taken aback. This was pleasing to Jennifer.

‘OK, so do you want to tell me about that?'

‘Well, I think that what I'm trying to say is that I know I am definitely, without a shadow of a doubt, having the hugest mid-life crisis ever.'

‘OK.'

‘Only I don't think that should be taken lightly.'

‘Right.'

‘Look, I really hope you don't think I'm being rude, it's just that even when you asked me that question it was almost as if you were dismissing having a mid-life crisis as something I should be able to face up to and get over.'

Jennifer paused in order to give Susan a chance to
defend herself but her total silence appeared to indicate that she'd prefer Jennifer to continue instead. So she did.

‘Admittedly, I used to hear the phrase myself and think it was a tired old cliché which applied purely to people who were desperate to regain their youth or just wanted an excuse to wear leather trousers. Only now I'm having one myself I realise it's a far more complex stage. There's a reason it's been given the label “crisis” and I just think people should focus more on that word. You know, Susan…'

Jennifer paused for a moment, trying to find the right words.

‘Go on…tell me what you're thinking.'

‘Well…I don't think what I'm feeling is as straightforward as simply not wanting to be middle-aged. I think what I'm going through is something I really need help with and I suspect it's the same for everyone who goes through this stage. I know for some people it may manifest itself in dressing like an idiot, or having sex with someone just to validate the fact they're still vaguely desirable but those are just symptoms which stem from suddenly wondering what the hell has happened to you. To me, a mid-life crisis is more about waking up one morning and wondering how on earth you've ended up doing what you're doing. It's the sudden awful realisation that so much of your life is behind you and yet you haven't achieved what you wanted to, in which case it's likely you never will. It's about assessing where you're at and
mourning your hopes and dreams and that sort of fizzy sense of confidence you have in your youth when it feels like anything's still possible. Then, once all that's caught up with you, you start to examine other areas in your life at which point if you realise anything is lacking, the crisis just gets worse.'

Jennifer tucked her hair behind her ears. ‘Look, if I'm being totally honest Susan, which I know is the whole point of coming here, I suppose at the moment I'm slightly wondering if I can stand to be with my husband for the rest of my life because I'm not sure he really loves me any more. Meanwhile it's also dawned on me that my earning prospects are dismal and that I'll probably never fall in love again which somehow feels like a monumental disaster. Is it wrong of me to want to experience feeling giddy with love again before I die? Is it weird that not knowing how I'm going to fill my time for the rest of my days terrifies me? Because despite not being young any more, I'm also a long way from dead, and with a bit of luck I've still got a lot of life to live. Only now I'm finally wise enough to understand how quickly it's all going to fly by.'

Susan nodded.

Jennifer swallowed hard. ‘Sometimes I lie awake at night, listening to Max snore, and I start to feel panic rising, start wondering if I should be grabbing my life with two hands and giving it an almighty shake because I can't think of anything worse than looking in the mirror in another ten years' time and thinking, well, you've had it
now. You've lost the opportunity to make yourself truly happy and I don't want to die wondering what could have been.'

Jennifer blinked, determined not to cry.

Susan looked terribly sympathetic. ‘And what else?'

‘I think it's a stage that shouldn't be mocked because it's actually terribly hard and I can't bear what I'm turning into. I've spent most of this week daydreaming about my past, wondering what life might have been like if I'd made different decisions, or perhaps stayed with other men I've loved. And it's scary because I
should
be happy but I'm not so then that makes me feel selfish and guilty which is even more depressing. I can't even eat at the moment. I've lost a stone in a year but I just want to be happy, Susan. I want to get out of this mire. I want to know that I've led my life in a positive way and that I haven't missed out and most of all, when I ask the question “Is this it?” I want to feel like if it is then that's OK.'

Speech over, the room fell completely silent, apart from the ticking of Susan's clock on the wall. The clock was in the shape of a cow which had always struck Jennifer as slightly absurd. What did cows have to do with time? It's not like they needed to be anywhere.

Now she'd finished, Jennifer wasn't entirely sure where her outburst had come from but actually she felt better for it, if a little embarrassed. She watched the dust motes swirling in the shaft of light that was pouring through the window.

Thirty more seconds of silence passed and Jennifer could feel her face going red. She sat on her hands as she waited for Susan's response and hoped that when it came that it wouldn't be one which would belittle everything she'd just expressed. She hoped Susan had been listening properly. If she had been, then she'd know she wouldn't want to be patronised with something along the lines of ‘well how does that all make you feel?'

It took an age but finally Susan's response did come and when it did it couldn't have been more unpredictable.

‘Well at least you're thin.'

Jennifer turned in amazement, wondering if her therapist was taking the piss. However, when she caught Susan's eye she was rewarded with a reassuring, wholly understanding wink.

‘There is that,' she replied, acknowledging Susan's joke with a watery smile. ‘Being a size ten again is pretty good.

‘On a serious note though, I want you to know that I for one respect everything you're feeling. This is a really tough chapter in your life. I also want you to have a think this week about what you think the root cause of your unhappiness might be. I can tell that your soul is yearning for some change at the moment, but have you ever considered that by changing what you've already got that you might simply be swapping one set of problems for another?'

Jennifer cocked her head to one side as she thought
about this. This was more like it. This was what she came to therapy and paid forty pounds a time for. What Susan had just said was actually very interesting.

‘And, do you not think that whilst you and Max certainly have some work to do on aspects of your relationship, rather than this being all about him, this is actually about you. It's about you working out what you want, about figuring out who Jennifer is and what makes you happy. Because until you can be happy in yourself I don't think anybody else can fill that gap for you.'

‘Susan?'

‘Yes?'

‘Do you ever think that perhaps life should be full of change?'

‘What do you mean exactly?'

‘Well, why does convention dictate that we should expect to find a relationship which will last forever? Maybe every relationship has a different life span? Perhaps we're supposed to be with different people for certain periods of our lives and as we change and our needs develop, the person we should be with should change too? I think people who find one person who makes them happy their entire life, more than anything, just got lucky.'

Susan pondered this for a while. ‘Are you trying to tell me there's someone specific you're considering a change with?'

‘No,' said Jennifer hurriedly, ‘I'm not. There isn't anyone in my life except Max. In fact, lately I've spent more
time harking back to the past as opposed to thinking about anyone in the present.'

‘Give me an example.'

‘Well, I've been thinking a lot recently about the boyfriend I went out with before Max. He was called Steve. I actually met Max at a party we were at together, and was convinced Max and I were far more suited. Yet I'm pretty sure that Max has never loved me as much as Steve did. Perhaps if I'd stayed with him I wouldn't be feeling like this right now? Perhaps if I
hadn't
given Max my number at that party I would still be with Steve and living very happily?'