Ignite (Explosive) (11 page)

I’m feeling
waves of shock roll through me as I listen to Jace’s confession. Completely, utterly, rug-swept-out-from-underneath-me shocked. Over the past ten years, I’ve always thought that he’d made a conscious, heartbreaking decision to let me go. I thought that one night was enough for him and he didn’t need or want me anymore. I thought that I’d lost my first love and my best friend all in the same day, and I’ve felt that heartache for the past ten years, no matter how much I tried to deny it.
Breathe
, I tell myself as I get up off the blanket and head towards the water. I have no idea how to wrap my mind around his revelation. Why? She was my best friend for years and she knew how I felt about Jace. Why would Kristin keep him from me?

I can hear Jace walking up behind me as I stare out into the vast ocean. This feels so familiar, and my heart pulls at his closeness. Before I know what’s happening, he wraps me up in his arms and buries his face in my hair. I can’t help but think of how right this feels, and I’m not sure how to process that feeling. Embarrassed, I feel the tears streaming down my cheeks and I squeeze my eyes shut to stop them from falling.

Jace pulls back from me, turning me around to face him. Giving me a small smile, he brushes his thumbs across my cheeks, wiping away my tears. He looks at me with such tenderness and love, and I feel a tug at my heart that I haven’t felt in a long time.

“Alexa, I swear to you. I never, ever meant to hurt you. I thought of you every single night as I lay in my cot in Boot Camp. You’re what got me through those long, hot-ass days when I had a 250-pound meathead screaming at me constantly and dropping me on my face to do another set of pushups. When Kristin told me you’d moved on and couldn’t even stand to be in the same town because of my memory, it about damn near killed me. But I loved you enough to let you go. As hard as it hurt to do it, she made it sound like you were happy. So I decided that’s all I wanted. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. For you to be happy, even if it was without me,” Jace whispers, both melting my heart and infuriating me at the same time.

I push back from him, pissed because it’s taken us ten years to get to this point. I’m excited because, for the first time, I’m not scared. I’m just confused. He grabs my arms and brings me back in for another hug as he awaits my reaction.

I pull back from Jace’s embrace and head back towards the blanket for another sip of wine. This situation definitely calls for it, even though I know I’ll be regretting it in the morning. How in the hell could Kristin have told Jace that I’d moved on? It wasn’t until Tyler that I even ever looked at another man!

“So you really did come back all those years ago?” I ask, taking a drink of wine, not sure I really want to hear the answer, but using the liquid courage coursing through my blood stream to get the words out. I rejoin him on the shore as I wait for his response.

“Like I said, the realtor told me you were gone. I got the brilliant idea to go ask Kristin how I could find you. She basically told me to go fuck myself. She said that I broke your heart and you were happy to leave a town that reminded you too much of me. And then the door slammed in my face before I could protest.”

My heart broke at his words. He’d really come for me. The past ten years I thought that he’d had his one night and was done, but I should’ve known better. This was Jace. My best friend. My first love. He’d come for me, and he was blocked from ever finding me. All of the sudden, I became furious. I picked up a handful of sand and threw it at an unknown assailant knowing full well that I was throwing a tantrum like a two-year-old. I couldn’t be more infuriated. Ten years. He came back ten years ago and neither of us knew that the other was still aching to be together. Wiping my hands on my jeans, I look up to meet his eyes. I can tell he’s trying not to laugh at my antics, and I feel even worse about this whole misunderstanding.

“I promise you, Jace, Kristin had no idea what she was talking about. I didn’t move on. I didn’t want to leave. I knew deep down in my soul that you’d come for me. But that night was so special, so amazing, and I didn’t want to share it with anyone. I kept it a secret. No one, not even Kristin, knew about our night together.” I suck in a deep breath before continuing. “Damn it! That must be why she never told you where I was. It’s my fault, Jace. I was devastated when you left. Not just because you were gone, but because I’d had feelings for you for so long, and we only had a short time to express ourselves. So yeah, I was a depressed, mopey girl that summer. Kristin must’ve assumed it was because of you. I could kill her!” Sighing, I shake my head before I continue. “I know it wasn’t her fault, but dammit, she knew how close we were. She should’ve known I’d at least want to hear from you.”

Jace gives a small laugh as he pulls me into him. He wraps his big arms around me and I feel…home. All is right in the world with me in his embrace. I run my hands up his back and get a little excited when I feel his hard muscles rippling beneath my palms. I immediately imagine removing his shirt so I can provide further inspection. I shake the thought away, because even though he’s kissed me, I have no idea if he still feels the same intense connection between us. It could’ve just been the heat of the moment, so I refuse to put myself out there, letting him know how badly I’m wanting him right now.

It’s also confusing to me. After Ty died, I swore I’d never feel that way for someone again, and in all honesty, I probably never will. Jace is different. We had that chemistry before I ever met Ty, and it’s almost like our relationship has been at a standstill for the past ten years and now that we’re back together, nothing has changed. It’s unnerving, and if it weren’t for the alcohol, it’d probably be scaring the crap out of me.

“Oh, Alexa, you have no idea how good it feels to hear that. It killed me. It tore my heart apart when she told me you’d moved on. I mean, I was happy if you were happy, but…fuck. It wrecked me knowing you could be happy without me. I know that’s selfish. But damn, I’ve always wanted you. You have to know that.”

I’m caught off guard by his admission. I know I don’t need any more alcohol, but I press the wine bottle to my lips and down a little bit more, knowing it’ll help calm my nerves. I’m a seventeen-year-old girl again, tugging rope with the twenty-seven-year-old widow who’s been mourning for nearly a year and a half. My mind is breaking at the conflict of wanting my past to be my present but feeling the guilt of moving on.

I close my eyes and make the mistake of picturing Ty’s smiling, gorgeous face. I can’t do this. Can I? The thing is, I
want
this, and I haven’t wanted anything in so long that I want to just grab it and never let it go. Ty would want me to be happy. He was always the guy who lived his life to the fullest. He’d hate to see me wasting away. Screw it. I remind myself of every bit of encouragement Brady’s given me. This is my life. I’m going for it. I need Jace McAllister back in my life in some way, shape, or form.

“I have about a million thoughts and emotions going through my head that I don’t even know where to start. I’m sorry. I’m so, so freaking sorry that Kristin did that. She had no right. To be honest, she didn’t know the full story, and I’m guessing she thought she was protecting me. She never told me that you’d stopped by, so I kind of just thought you forgot about me. It damn near killed me, too,” I emphasize, knowing that I’m sounding dramatic.

Jace takes a few breaths before responding. I watch as he closes his eyes, and I wait curiously to hear what he’s going to say. His eyes open as he looks at me, his gaze penetrating my soul, as if he’s ready to finally bear his whole heart to me.

“Alexa, I’ve never forgotten about you. I’ve never had a connection with any other woman like the one you and I had—that I know we still have. You were my only. You were it for me. My homerun. My grand slam. My perfect game. I’ve never, I will never, ever want anyone but you,” he confesses.

My heart races at his words. Can this be real? Can feelings like this really exist for over ten years? I know that I’m feeling the same pull to him that I did in high school, but that’s crazy, right? I need to change the subject. I need to know this newer, older, mature Jace McAllister.

I head back, slightly stumbling, to the blanket and park my ass on the sand. Jace looks at me inquisitively before following me. He holds the whiskey while I clutch the wine. We both stare at each other as we take drinks from our respective bottles. A few moments pass by without either of us speaking, and the buzz in my head is starting to slowly sound like bumblebees in my brain. I know I need to lie down because the alcohol is definitely going to my head.

“I’m sorry I never knew. Sierra always told me where you were, what you were doing, but I was afraid to contact you,” I admit.

Jace lies back on the blanket and rolls me onto my side so I’m facing him. He brushes the hair off of my face before settling his hand on my hip.

“Alexa, you never have to be afraid to get ahold of me. Day, night, rain, sun—hell, even in a snowstorm—I’m yours.”

I catch my breath at his words and sit up again. Finishing off the wine, I know I’m pushing my limits. Jace also sits up and laughs before he tells me to take it easy. That only makes me want a swig of whiskey, and after a little wrestling in the sand, I get the bottle from him. I unscrew the cap and take two big gulps of Jameson, barely noticing the burn before Jace rips it out of my hands. Trust me, I’m not an alcoholic, but the conflicting thoughts in my mind are beginning to be drowned out with every drink I take, and I need it to have the courage to get through this night without breaking down.

I pout as Jace recaps the bottle and scolds me playfully. I’m clearly drinking too much for his liking, so I mentally tell myself to cool it, but being so close to him again is making me lose all of my defenses and I’m not sure how else to handle it.

I’m drawn back to our first night together, and even though there’s a slight twinge of guilt, I remember Brady’s advice and know I have to do this. I push the thoughts aside and tell myself that it’s finally time to move on. And there’s no one better to do it with than Jace. I move closer to him and bring his face to mine. For the first time in ten years, I voluntarily place my lips on his. His kiss is tender and hesitant, as if he’s not sure he should be doing this. I know the alcohol is clouding my mind, but maybe that’s how I have to do this. Screw talking and reacquainting ourselves. That’s what tomorrow is for, right? I need to just bite the bullet and finally be with another man.

“Jace, I want you. It’s been ten years, and I want—no I need—to be with you,” I say breathlessly, trying to pretend I’m ten years in the past, because I know I’m shamelessly repeating my pleading from back then.

He pushes me onto my back, laying his body over mine, and I instantly remember our first night. I can feel that his body is harder, more rigid, and I’m more desperate for him than before. His face is merely inches from mine as his eyes search for the answer to some unknown question. I watch as his eyes close and he shakes his head.

Before I can ask what’s going through his mind, Jace pulls his body off of me and moves himself to my side. I’m devastated to lose his heat, but I’m shivering as his lips meet my ear. He begins to speak in a manner that makes my panties damp with anticipation.

“Alexa, you have no idea how much I’ve wanted you ever since I met you. Every time I saw you watching me on the field, I got hard knowing your eyes were on me. I was a coward. I was a jackass. I’ll regret being such an idiot for the rest of my life, but I can’t go another ten years without having you in my life. I know it seems crazy, but I still want to be with you. I want to be with you. For the rest of my life, whether it’s as friends or as more than that. Promise me you won’t shut me out.”

He loved me. He still wants to be with me. Holy fuck. He really did come back for me. This whole time that I thought he’d given me up was a lie. A goddamn lie, and if I didn’t think Kristin had done what she’d thought was best, I’d probably be off kicking her ass. We’re here together after such a long time. He still wants me. And I know I want him. I always have.

“I can’t believe it. You really came back,” I repeat, as if saying it over and over will finally click in my head.

Jace gives a low chuckle and kisses the tip of my nose. His moves his lips to hover over mine. “Yes, Alexa, I did. And I always will.”