Illusion (23 page)

             
But even so, with everything I just found out, I don't think I'll ever be able to trust anyone again. Finding Harvey is almost worse than not finding him. At least I could pretend that he was my imagination, that I created him to help me heal and move on. I could pretend a lot easier that he was created between a heart break and medication. But this, finding out that I didn't make him up, that he lied to me, betrayed me, fooled me, embarrassed me, left me without a word. All of this, it's horrifying. I hate him. I completely and absolutely hate him. I hate everything he did to me.

             
He shakes his head at my words and looks down to his wife with a confused expression, before looking back at me and taking a step back. "I think you're confusing me with someone."

             
"Don't lie," I tell him.

             
Brice pulls me into his embrace and I go willingly, needing someone to just hold me right now. It's hard to see much through my tears, and I try to wipe them away, but it doesn't help much. Brice talks before either of us get another chance. "Harvey, man, I know this may be hard in front of your wife or whatever, but you destroyed her. The least you can do is apologize."

             
He throws his hands in the air and laughs dryly. "I'm fucking serious, I don't know this bitch. I watched from a distance, thinking she looking vaguely familiar, but I can say with all fucking honesty, I've never met her before!"

             
His wife is trembling next to him and staring at me with shock and horror. I'm sure this hurts her now that she knows the truth, and I do feel incredibly sorry for her. "Can you tell me what is going on, please?" Her voice is nearly a whisper, and it's directed towards me.

             
Harvey speaks to her in disbelief. "Nothing, obviously! The girl is crazy." Crazy- he really had to use that word. Yeah, of course I am right now, because of him!

             
She ignores him and takes a small step towards me, her pleading eyes watering. "Please."

             
My eyes look back and forth between Harvey and her, and although I'm crying, I manage to get a few words out. "We met on a subway a few months ago, and for some reason I ran into him the next day and we started hanging out. We hung out for a few weeks, then dated a few more. Then he just... disappeared without a word four weeks ago." I start to sob when I say it out loud and Brice pulls me closer to him.

             
She looks up at her husband and back at me. "I, uh, I'm so confused right now. Are you sure it was Harvey?"

             
I nod my head against Brice's chest and he comforts me by rubbing his hand up and down my back, holding me as close to him as possible. Probably scared to let me go again.

             
"She is a liar!" Harvey screams and pulls on his wife's arm, getting her attention. "I promise you baby, this isn't true. I don't know this girl, I know nothing about her."

             
"Fuck you," I seethe out.

             
He turns to me and takes a step closer. I can feel Brice tense up. Harvey looks exhausted from this all. "I don't even know your name." His voice is surprisingly calm. "I have never, and will never, cheat on my wife. And your story makes no fucking sense. We just got back from our honeymoon five weeks ago, we were gone for three weeks. Please, explain to me when I had the time to date you when I was in Hawaii."

             
That takes me aback. I look to his wife and her eyes look me up and down as her tears start drying. "It's true," she says with complete certainty.

             
I look up to Brice and he is staring down at me, just as confused as all of us. "I don't get it," I whisper. "This is him, Brice."

             
He kisses my forehead, leaving his lips placed there for a moment. He pulls back and looks at Harvey. "I'm sorry man."

             
Harvey grunts and backs away, holding his wife again. "Whatever, just get the chick checked out. She is obviously missing a few screws."

             
Brice's breathing increases just slightly. "Watch it or I will kick your ass again. She is going through a hardship and you're not helping matters. Just get out of here, both of you."

             
The girl shakes her head at me and grabs Harvey's hand. They just turn and walk away, saying absolutely nothing to me. I can't seem to form words either because I think I'm more confused than I've ever been. I look back up to Brice and he has his eyes closed, his head tilted back just slightly. He looks like he may be praying or something.

             
I still can't talk.

             
With a large breath, his grip loosens on me and he opens his eyes. "Let's get you home," he whispers.

             
I nod my head, even though he still isn't looking at me, and I walk with him. He doesn't hold me, or my hand, in fact, he stays a few inches from me. I don't know what to say, or what to do, or what to think. I want to cry again, I want to scream, I want to get some answers. The only thing I do though, is I follow behind Brice like a zombie, going where he goes, until we reach back to my building.

             
He comes inside with me, and walks me into my bathroom. He turns the shower on, and without any words, he helps me undress. He's never seen me naked before but right now, I don't think much on it. I allow him to get me out of my clothes and into the shower. He strips down until he is in his boxers, then he climbs in with me. He washes my hair for me, then my body, then when I'm completely washed and rinsed, he holds me close to him. I don't cry, I don't talk, he doesn't say anything either, he simply just holds me.

             
When the water starts to turn cool, he reaches behind me and turns it off. He steps out first, grabs a towel and quickly dries, before wrapping me in the towel. We walk together into my bedroom and he pulls back the blankets on the bed. I get under the sheets, shaking from both the cold and my emotions, and he pulls them up under my chin, tucking me in.

             
I can feel the change. I can feel that this has become too much for him, and he is giving up. He can't deal with my reality. There is obviously something very wrong with me. Nothing makes sense about the Harvey situation and I'm not sure I'll ever know the truth. It hurts so much it's causing me to become this helpless, needy, confused girl. I don't blame him for wanting to get away from me, I wish I could get away from me too.

             
I should be thankful he is the type of man to at least make sure I'm okay before he leaves me alone. But honestly, how can I be thankful right now, about anything.

             
Standing up, he leans down and presses his lips to my temple. "Get some sleep," he whispers. Then he is gone.

             
I hear the door close behind him just a second later and I'm left alone.

             
Always, always alone.

             
I don't have to open my eyes to sense Kirt. I needed him so much, it's no wonder that he is visiting me in my dreams again. I get it now- he wasn't visiting me because I was needing him less. I had Harvey- so I thought- to lean onto, then I had Brice. Now, I'm not so sure what I had.

             
He gets under the blankets and I turn in bed to face him. We stare at each other and it's now that I realize the eyes of the Harvey I just saw, they don't match Kirt's as well as I remember. They're similar yes, but they truly don't compare. I swore they did, I swore they were identical. A lot about the Harvey I spent time with resembled Kirt, and now that I stare at Kirt again, I realize it wasn't nearly as much I remembered.

             
I'm still confused. I'm still unsure. It might even be getting worse as all these things hit me.

             
"Kirt, I'm so confused," I admit out loud. It's the first time I've talked since the confrontation with Harvey. Where I discovered that I really am either insane, or he is one hell of a liar.

             
His eyes don't leave mine as he brings his hand up and touches my face. I don't feel his warmth, and I need to feel it. I need someone, anyone, to make me feel better. I'm alone and scared, I'm confused and exhausted, and I have no one to help me right now.

             
"And I'm scared."

             
"I know," he finally speaks, but it doesn't sound like him, it sounds like Harvey. The Harvey I spent all that time with, not the one I met today.

             
"Are you Kirt?" I ask him.

             
"Of course I am," he says. "Who else would I be?"

             
I swallow back the tears and emotion. "I don't know. I miss you though."

             
"I miss you more, baby."

             
"Can I come visit you soon?"

             
He shakes head at me and pulls his hand away. "Don't say things like that. You know better than that."

             
"But Kirt, it's become too much. I don't know what's real or what's not anymore. Every time I'm happy about something, everything blows up in my face. Being with you, it's the only thing that's ever truly made me happy. You're the only thing that has ever existed in my life that has brought me comfort and joy. I want that again. I want you."

             
"You can't have me. Never again, Zoey. Only here, in your dreams. I'm in your heart and in your imagination. If you take your life, there are no promises of me. And even if there was, don't do that. Think of Emi and your secret promise to her. Think of your parents, Zoey. Think of Brice."

             
"Brice?" I interrupt him. "He left me, Kirt. Everyone leaves me."

             
"I left you."

             
I blink at him. Why would he say that? Why would he remind me?

             
"But you didn't mean to."

             
"It doesn't matter. Listen Zoey, people are going to leave you, they're going to disappoint you, they're going to hurt you. You should know that by now. I was a leading example. You moved on from me, or at least you've tried, you've learned to live your life again. Keep living, baby, keep pushing. It'll be worth it, I promise you."

             
"No, I don't want to. It hurts too much."

             
"If you take your life, I'll never forgive you. You're supposed to be living for the both of us. I didn't get to live any longer, I didn't get the kids and wedding, I didn't get to buy you that damn house. Do those things for yourself. Please, whatever you do, be strong."

             
"I'm not strong Kirt. I was strong for too long, but I can't take any more of this. I'm sorry."

             
"Me too," he says quietly. Then he is gone. Just vanished from me. Just like he vanished from me before, without a word. Everyone leaves me like that. No one can say goodbye, no one can tell me they're sorry, they all just walk away and leave me here to crumble.

             
I won't crumble anymore.

             
I won't let anyone walk away.

             
I won't let anyone hurt me.

             
I'm the only one that can hurt myself from here on out.

             
And not for long.

              When I wake up, I wipe away some tears as I sit up in bed. I listen closely but all I can hear is the noise from the city outside. It's still dark out, so I glance at the clock. I haven't been sleeping long. It's not even midnight yet.

             
Getting up, I walk over and open my bedroom door. Emi isn't here yet. I walk into the kitchen and open up the drawer I have with pen and paper. I pull the notebook out and sit on the couch, thinking of something I can say to Emi. I have to do what was never done to me; I have to apologize, I have to say goodbye, and I have to let her know how much I love her. How much it's not her fault.

                           
Emi-

             
              I love you.

             
              I'll always love you.

             
              I'll always look after you.

             
              You've been the best sister and a best friend.

             
              I'm sorry that I couldn't be a better sibling.

             
              I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger.

             
              I'm sorry that you've had to take on my role; you've had to take care of me.

             
              You've been my savior.

             
              I just can't hang on any more.

             
              I'm sorry- and I love you.

             
              I love you so, so much.

             
              Don't ever hate yourself for this.

             
              You're the only reason I've held on so long.

             
              I just can't do it anymore. It all hurts too much.

             
              Please forgive me.

             
              Please take care of yourself.

             
              Please tell mom and dad how amazing they are.

             
              How amazing they've been.

             
              They really raised some pretty amazing kids, huh?

             
              I just wish I could be the old me.

             
              It seems no therapy or medication will make that happen.

             
              It seems that no one will ever love me like Kirt did.

             
              And it seems I'll never love anyone as much as Kirt.

             
              I can't have kids - I can't love - I can't be strong.

             
              So I'm going to Kirt now.

             
              I'll be waiting for you.

             
              But live your life, sister, live it a long time.

             
              Continue being you- because you are perfect.

             
              I love you so much.

             
              I always have, I always will.

             
              Again... I'm SO SORRY!

             
                            Love, Zoey.

              Wiping away the tears that can't stop flowing, I place the note on the coffee table, then I walk to the bathroom. I open my small cabinet where I keep all my medications- my pain relievers, my old antidepressants, and my new ones. I sort through the pain relievers. I have three bottles, all less than half full. I grab two of them and my old antidepressants.

             
I open the caps and spill out all my medicine onto the sink top, then I reach around the cabinet to find if I have any razors. "Shit," I say out loud. I forgot that I didn't pack any, I didn't want this temptation again.

             
I scoop all the pills up and walk out to the kitchen again. Setting them down on the counter, I pour myself a large glass of wine. It's the only alcohol in the house. Between all this medication and the wine, it should do the trick and it shouldn't be painful at all. I hope not at least. I think I've suffered enough pain.

             
With a large inhale of breath, I grab a handful of pills and throw them in my mouth, washing them down with wine. I do it a second time. Then a third. As I'm about to throw in the fourth and final handful of pills, I'm startled by a voice.

             
"Stop!"

             
I turn and see Harvey standing there. Except, wait, this can't be. "Excuse me?" I say.

             
He shakes his head at me. "I said stop! Throw that up. Do something. Get that out of your system. Call nine-one-one. I don't know, but stop trying to kill yourself."

             
"How are you here?" I look at my door and see it’s still locked.

             
"You don't get it, do you?" I look back at him and shake my head no. I take another sip of wine and he pads through the room towards me. "Put that fucking drink down, now!"

             
I do. I'm scared.

             
Maybe this is how the world ends? Maybe you see that one person you need the most closure from before the darkness consumes you and you're no longer breathing.

             
"You met Harvey on the subway."

             
"You are Harvey," I tell him, still confused.

             
"You met the Harvey you saw today on the subway. His eyes and his form reminded you so much of Kirt. Everything you've learned from Dr. Ross, from Brice even, it's all true. You morphed this Harvey guy and Kirt, and you designed me. You gave me the name Harvey, because you remembered it from the guy you bumped in to, and it made me seem all the more real."

             
"Wait." I reach forward and I can feel him. "You are real."

             
He steps back and shakes his head. "No, I'm not, Zoey. Think about it. Think about how fast you connected to me, how I was always around when you needed me to be, how perfect everything went between us. Think about the fact every place we went and all the things we talked about, they were things you already knew. They were places you wanted to visit, places you heard about, you read about, you saw in magazines. Your brain conjured me up, because you needed to move on."

             
"No, I don't believe you. You're just here because you felt bad about what happened today. You couldn't tell me the truth in front of your wife. You came to say goodbye, Harvey, but it's too late. I'm too far gone. I'm leaving."

             
I grab the rest of the pills and throw them in my mouth, then I hurry and drink back the rest of the wine.

             
"Dr. Ross was right, Zoey. Think about how you felt alive when you were with Brice. When you guys kissed or when he touched you, it was different. I helped you heal. You needed to move on and your imagination created an illusion, which happens to be me. You need to see it. You didn't want me to call you baby because Kirt did, I never came around when your sister or any of your friends were around, because you knew that they couldn't see me. You needed me, you needed someone, to be there for you. To spend time with, to help you heal, to move on with."