Illusion (21 page)

             
He seems to sense my uncertainly when he leans forwards again. "I'm not calling you psychotic, Zoey. This isn't a disease and you're not going "crazy" as you've called it." He does those quotes with his fingers and it almost makes me laugh seeing him do it. He is too much of a formal manly-man to be doing something like that. I don't laugh though, instead I continue to listen to what he has to say to comfort me more, or confuse me more, or make me heal, or whatever it is he is doing for me.

             
"Delirium, the hallucinations you're getting, if that is what this all is. It's not a disease or a mental illness of any sorts. It's more of a side effect, which in medical terms they call a clinical syndrome, which is a set of different symptoms, mostly resulting from the medication you were administered. What I would really like to do is gradually pull you off from your current medication, and in the course of the next week, visit with you a few more times, and gradually place you onto another medication with fewer side effects that coincides more with your needs, your body, and your mind. This can be tricky and there could be some trial and error, but in the long run, you'll feel a lot better."

             
"What if I don't want to be on antidepressants anymore?"

             
"Well by all means, that is up to you, but are you sure about that? You may feel happy and healed right now, considering, but when you take yourself off from the medication all together, you could easily fall back into a deep depression, sometimes worse than the one you were in before. Of course, that is not always true, but it's a large concern. As a doctor, my medical advice, if you want to be off antidepressants all together, is gradually get yourself there. You need to start a routine with yourself, take a lot of vitamin-D, drink approximately eight glasses of water a day, get outside often, exercise for at least a half hour a day, and get at least a half hour of quiet and daily focus by yourself. That is a lot to work on."

             
Wow, that seems like a lot. Maybe a tiny little pill is the better option.

             
"I don't know, I'll think about it all."

             
"Okay, well, we have a few more sessions in the next week to discuss all this. Please don't just take yourself off from the medication you're currently on. I would like you to cut your pill in half, and take the half of pill each day, approximately the same time each day. I want you to possibly try to drink more water, cut out any and all alcohol intake, get more fresh air if possible. You say your sister is staying with you currently?"

             
"Yeah, she is," I say, while nodding my head.

             
He smiles. "Good, it's nice to have a great support system around during such a crucial time in your life. Now, I want to discuss one last thing with you." Oh dear lord! "Say Harvey is real, he isn't just an illusion your brain made up to help you heal, I want you to get every little fact about him you possibly can."

             
I give him a strange look. "Uh, okay."

             
"I'm saying this for your safety. I’m not just being uncanny." He laughs awkwardly and relaxes a little more into his seat as I sit up in mine. "It's very concerning that you know nothing about a man you've been dating for several weeks and met over two months ago. There could be something seriously wrong with him and you could be in great danger if he is indeed a living, breathing human being. If he just up and leaves, and disconnects his phone number, and you know nothing about him, his family, or where he lives. Well, you could be in some great deal of danger."

             
I want to curl up in a ball and scold myself for being so careless of my own safety. How had I not thought of all this before now? How could I have not seen the warning signs? I feel like such an idiot. I'm like one of those girls in a Lifetime movie, who end up raped and murdered because I'm intrigued by a good looking stranger I meet in a random place. Oh, how naive I truly am.

             
Dr. Ross stands up and walks over to the door. Before he opens it, he looks at me with a stern, concerning look. "You seem like a very intelligent, hard working woman. We all get caught up in things in life, so don't beat yourself up over something that you can't change now. Just learn from your mistakes, Ms. LaRoche. Please call me if you have any questions or concerns, and I'll see you tomorrow evening at four. We will get this situation smoothed out together and you can move on to living your normal, joyous life."

             
Normal and joyous life. He obviously didn't hear anything I told him about what I've been through.

             
I don't argue, instead I thank him, shake his hand, and walk through his door.

             
Brice was waiting for me at my apartment when I got there. It was a later appointment, one in which I didn't really have to miss a whole day of work for, so by the time I got home, he was already out of work. He asked about my appointment but I felt oddly closed up, even after everything, and just told him "fine". I ended up going into my room and passed out shortly after. I hardly even said a word to Emi.

             
The next morning I was up and out the door before Emi had a chance to wake up and talk to me. I completely ignored Brice at work and if I did speak to him, it was to tell him I was busy. That continued the rest of the week. I'm not sure why I felt the need to pull away from the two people I had in life, but I did.

             
It was Friday morning that Emi walked into the bathroom while I was in the shower and started screaming at me, telling me I was acting childish and selfish. I was obviously hurting them both, but I wanted to be alone. I wanted to process this without their advice or sorrow.

             
I continued my sessions with Dr. Ross Thursday and Friday, but instead of going straight home, I walked around the city until dark. I just had to think about everything Harvey and I went though, all the places we visited, the times we kissed in public. Someone, somewhere, had to have seen him. Right? Or did I look like a lunatic in front of thousands of people? It's a hard thing to come to terms with.

             
This morning, being a Saturday, is harder than I thought it'd be. I miss Harvey, a lot. My chest is filled a pain I can't describe and I feel like bricks have been laid on top of me. I'm glued to the bed as thoughts and ideas come spiraling through my brain. I'm almost contemplating going to the places we spent time together- that school where I dug for fossils, the tattoo parlor, the museum. One of those people I talked to had to have seen Harvey with me. But going in and asking them, that is hard, for a few reasons.

             
What if they all say I was alone when I was there- then what? I'd really look insane. I'd have to explain that I'm going through my own version of PTSD, and I saw someone who really wasn't there. Not only that, I'd have to come to the terms that yes, I did indeed make someone up. Made him up! Who does that?! I don't care what Dr. Ross says, how much he encourages me that I'm not insane, I feel it. I have to be. Only insane people or people with brain tumors envision people who aren't there.

             
I even asked him if I could have a brain scan. He said he'd set it up but it was pointless. I don't have any other symptoms, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

             
Then I think about the fact- what if these people did see Harvey? Then that means he really did just up and leave me without so much as a word. He shut off his phone and wants nothing to do with me. He doesn't want to be found and he doesn't ever want to see me again. What did I do wrong for him to just take off like that?

             
There is always the idea that yes, he could be dangerous, he could be crazy, he could be a completely different person than he told me he was. It'd all make sense, and that hurts as well. I started falling for someone who wasn't real. I either made him up in my imagination, or he lied to me about who he was. Real or not, it hurts. I hate that he is gone.

             
Emi walks in without knocking and looks at me on the bed. "Get up, get showered, and look beautiful. You're not staying in the house today and you sure as hell aren't ignoring me anymore."

             
"Don't tell me what to do," I grumble.

             
"I quit my fucking job to be here for you Zoey Lynn LaRoche, so you better get your ass out of the bed, into the shower, and stop doing this to me!"

             
I cringe at her words then look over at her with disbelief. "You what?" I don't mean to raise my voice but I can't help it. "Don't tell me that is true."

             
"Yeah, it is. You're my sister." A tear falls from her eyes and she walks over to sit on the edge of my bed. She reaches over and grabs my hand. I squeeze hers, trying to comfort her but not sure exactly how to do it. "I'd do anything to make sure you're okay. I like you in this city, you seem happy. Brice is good for you to be around, too. I wasn't going to force you back home to where you seemed tortured everywhere you went, being reminded of Kirt. So yeah, I quit my job and flew up here."

             
"Emi," I say with tears in my own eyes. With taking less medication it's become a lot easier to cry, so I've noticed already the last two days. It's strange how fast taking only a half-dose can affect you. I pull her into me and we hold each other, both crying.

             
I whisper against her neck. "Thank you Emi, for everything."

             
She sniffles against me. "I love you Zoey."

             
"Love you more."

             
"Impossible."

             
After I get showered and get ready for the day, Emi and I do a day of retail therapy and grab some lunch at a local eatery that in no way reminds me Harvey. It's exactly what I needed. On our walk home, we take our sweet time, soaking up the rays of the sun while simply enjoying each other’s company.

             
A few feet from the apartment she pauses and looks over at me. I stop as well and give her a questioning look. "Call Brice," she says softly. We have gone the entire day- since we left the apartment- without bringing up my situation or anything related to it. That includes anything to do with Brice.

             
I sigh and give her a sad expression. "He probably hates me."

             
She nods and holds back a smile. "Yeah, probably, but you have time to fix it. That is, if you try now. He just wants to be your friend Zoey, and you’re pushing him away. I know you're scared to get close to anyone, for obvious reasons, but I'm telling you that he is a good person to have in your life. You don't want to make the mistake of pushing him away and it being too late."

             
"Why is it that my younger sister is so much wiser?"

             
One of her eyebrows lifts and she actually does smile this time. "The younger sister who quit her very awesome job and moved to a city with no place to live. Yeah I'm wise all right."

             
I know she is trying to be humorous and put me in a better mood, but it does just the opposite. It floods me with even more guilt. She seems to notice and shakes her head. "Sorry, mistake. Don't feel like that about me. It's a great city and I'm happy to be here, especially with you, and I can promise I'll find a damn good job in no time. Until I can afford a place to live I can be an attachment to your couch." She winks at me and widens her smile.

             
"Or my bed. It's big enough for the both of us."

             
"As long you don't kick like you used to."

             
A small laugh finally leaves me. "Only when you steal my blankets."

             
She grins even more. "You're the bed hog, I'm the blanket hog. It's a love hate relationship sort of thing."

             
We get back to the apartment and with a little more encouragement from Emi I finally call Brice. He answers after what seems like fifty rings- probably only like six or seven for real though. "Hey," he says softly when he answers.

             
"Hey, it's me, Zoey."

             
I can hear the humor in his voice when he replies. "Yeah, so it is."

             
"Look, I'm sorry I've been pushing you away this week." Might as well get right to the point.

             
There is a long pause and I have to check my phone to make sure we're still connected. As I open my mouth to ask if he is still there, he talks. "It's okay, I understand."

             
"No, it's not okay," I argue. "You've been nothing but wonderful to me. I'm just... I'm scared." My heart starts beating ever faster as I admit the truth I didn't want to tell him. I'm scared of so much.

             
He sighs on the other end. "I get it, I really do. It's okay. I'm glad you seem to finally be feeling better. You have a good day?"

             
"Yeah, went shopping and to lunch with Emi."

             
"That's good to hear."

             
Silence again. It's a little frustrating, even though I do feel better finally apologizing for pushing him away. "Want to come over?" I ask suddenly.

             
"Are you sure you want me to?"

             
"Yeah, I'm positive." My heart starts pounding even more than a moment ago and I can feel my palms start to sweat. Why is the idea of him coming over making me feel this way? It's too soon, Zoey, it's too damn soon.

             
"I'll be there." It goes silent before I'm able to say any more to him. I walk out to the living room and tell Emi to hurry up and help me clean the apartment. She roars with laughter as I quickly run over and start washing the dishes.

             
Before Brice is knocking on the door, Emi and I have my apartment the cleanest it’s been since I moved in.

             
"Wow," he says looking around. "Has the workless life been boring you this much?" He looks at Emi. So he knew she quit her job? I guess I really have been selfish this week.

             
And wait, hey!

             
"Hey, this wasn't all Emi, it was the two of us."

             
He grins in my direction and Emi rolls her eyes, settling down on the couch. She grabs my tablet and I can hear the noises a few minutes later of people talking. Obviously stuck on another TV series. Brice walks over and quietly says in my ear, "It looks great."

             
I smile in his direction, then I feel weird. It's almost supper time, but not quite yet. Until then, I'm not really sure what to do. Should we watch a movie? Talk? Play a game? Do people even play games anymore? I didn't really prepare myself for what we'd do when he got here, just occupied myself with cleaning until he did get here.

             
We both stand here awkwardly, looking around the apartment. Emi's grunt catches both our attention. "Go play pool or something. Leave and don't come back until," she looks at her phone, "like ten." She waves her fingers and doesn't look at either of us.

             
Brice presses his lips together, attempting not to smile. "Want to go play... pool?"

             
"No," I say. He looks extremely disappointed. "Oh, I didn't mean it like that. I would like to go do something, just not play pool."

             
He smiles at me and motions for me to lead the way. I grab my purse and double check that I have my phone. "We'll be back," I tell Emi.

             
"Yeah, yeah." She waves her hand without looking up. I roll my eyes and walk out the door.

             
Brice ends up taking us to a bowling alley. "Really?" I say when we pull in.

             
He parks the car and looks over at me. "Really."

             
With a sigh, I get out of the car and walk towards the bowling alley. I haven't been bowling since I was like sixteen, but it was fun, so I guess I'll give it a go.

             
After we get the shoes and pick a lane, I find a ball that isn't too heavy that also fits my fingers. I've never felt self-conscience about my fingers before, but I swear they're fat because all the balls less than eleven pounds are tight around them. I don't complain out loud though, not wanting Brice to tease me. He walks over and grabs the ball I've finally chosen, setting it back down on the rack. He then tells me to leave it, that he already found me one. I don't argue, I just follow him back to our lane.