Illusion (32 page)

             
"Hey Kirt. I'm sorry I haven't been talking to you. I'm sure you know why. I'm sorry the last time I was here, I told you I'd never love anyone else but you. It was obviously a lie, but I didn't know it at the time. I really do want you to know though, you were the love of my life. You were my first in nearly everything. You were my very best friend, my other half. I miss you daily, even if I don't say it out loud. But I did just as you asked of me, I lived my life. I lived for both of us."

             
I place a wreath down against his grave stone and run my fingers across his name. "Merry Christmas. I hope while you're in heaven you receive the best of Christmas'. It'd make sense you would. Anyways, I honestly can't stay long, I need to get back to my parents. I do miss you greatly though, and you're welcomed to come say hi in my dreams any time you want."

             
After I kiss the ends of my fingers, I press them to his gravestone, then I close my eyes and say a silent prayer. "I love you Kirt." I stand up and walk back to my car. The car I've missed but I certainly have no use for in New York City. My Momma has been using it so that it doesn't just sit there and rust.

             
I look in my rearview mirror and swear I see him standing close to his grave, watching me go. My last Christmas with Kirt comes flashing to the forefront of my mind while I drive away.

             
I walk pass the living room to go get showered and glance over the beautiful Christmas tree I made Kirt get. He wasn't too impressed with me getting a real tree this year, but I didn't care. We've had a fake tree the last four years living together, and I told him that if he didn't get me a real one this year, I was putting the damn fake one up before Thanksgiving. That changed his mind real fast.

             
The angel on the top sparkles in white lights, giving it a beautiful touch. The lights surrounding the tree is in different colors with silver garland all around it. A few ornaments are placed here and there. We dropped a box while decorating and broke most of the ones we have. My favorite though, will always be the one he gave me on our first Christmas together. I'm so happy that one didn't break.

             
It's a simple emerald color- Kirt knows I love all shades of green- and it has a cursive 'F' and 'E' on it. He said it stood for 'forever'. Honestly, I know he picked it up at a yard sale or something, I could tell by how worn it was, but I didn't care. I'm sure it was someone's initials or something, but to me, it means forever. It lays directly in the middle of the tree.

             
I continue my assessment down to the presents below. We each got each other only one gift, as we do each year. Except, wait, whoa, there is about twenty presents under the tree. I don't continue into the bathroom like planned, instead I walk into the living room. Kirt is sleeping and I really shouldn't wake him, but we need to be to my parents in an hour and I want my presents now.

             
When I turn to run into our room, ready to jump on the bed and beg him to get up, he is standing in the passage way, leaning against the wall. "Merry Christmas," he says with a large smile. He takes a few steps forward, and I meet him in the middle, giving him a large kiss on the mouth.

             
"Merry Christmas! Did you really buy me all those gifts?" I point to behind me.

             
He smiles so bright, he puts the tree to shame. "I sure did." I'm sure it's because we know he is going to be deployed around March, he wants to give me a heck of a Christmas in case he misses next years, but I don't think much on it. I don't want to sour the mood. I just want to enjoy the moment.

             
We sit down in front of the tree and presents. He hands me them one at a time, and I unwrap all the wonderful gifts. Some are simple enough, like clothing or a scarf, one is my favorite movie- The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, in other words, the movie I lost my virginity to with Kirt. Others are a little sweeter, like bath stuff and oils. I love each and every single one of them. With two gifts left, I unwrap a set of lingerie and laugh, while giving Kirt a saucy look. He wiggles his brows at me, then urges me to open the last one.

             
It's flat like an envelope. I open it up and unfold the paper. It's a picture of Australia. "Uh? Thanks?"

             
He reaches over and grabs my left hand, rubbing his thumb over where my engagement ring is. "I want to set a date, or at least a week. I'm thinking the summer after this one coming up, maybe mid-June or July or something. Then when we get married, this is where I'm taking you. I know you've always wanted to go to Australia, and I want to be the one to bring you. I want to stay there with you forever, but since our families would hunt us down, we can just go for a few days."

             
I nearly pounce on him and start kissing his mouth like crazy. "Yes! Oh my God, yes a million times. That is perfect. Thank you, thank you!"

             
He laughs when I sit back up. I reluctantly grab the gift I got him and hand it to him. He opens it up and starts cackling in laughter. "Well, I did need new socks." I give him a pouty look.

             
"Sorry, we always do small gifts." I shrug. "I didn’t expect you to play Santa this year. But I am really glad you did."

             
We stand together and his holds me tight, in front of the Christmas tree. We sway together as he lightly kisses me over and over. Our eyes lock into one another, almost sensing there may not be another year like this. But once again, I won't think that way. I'll pray every single night to the Lord above to bring Kirt home, safe and sound.

             
"Merry Christmas baby."

              I pull into Kirt's mom's house and Colt is outside on the porch waiting. I told them I'd be stopping by. I'm pretty sure Peggy-Sue was crying on the phone when I told her, but I didn't ask. He walks over and pulls me into the greatest of hugs. "Merry Christmas Sis," he says, putting me back down. He has called me Sis for years, probably because I practically was family.

             
Actually, I always will be family, as they'll always be mine.

             
"Merry Christmas Colt. Have you guys had a good one?"

             
He shrugs his shoulders. "Could have been better, but better than last years."

             
"Yeah. I get that."

             
I walk into the house as he keeps his arm placed around my shoulder. Peggy-Sue places down her soda pop and comes rushing over, pulling me into her embrace. I can barely breathe, she holds me so tight, but it's nice. A few tears break loose from me, so I hold her closer.

             
When we separate, we both wipe our eyes at the same time. "Oh heavens Zoey, you have grown into one gorgeous woman. That city up there has done you some good."

             
I smile at that. She looks like she has aged, but I don't want to tell her that, so I decide not to say anything at all.

             
A younger girl comes out, probably in her earlier twenties. She smiles at me and walks straight to Colt, kissing his mouth before he wraps his arms around her waist. I cock my head at him and smile. "Sis, this is Bonnie, my girlfriend."

             
I put out a hand which makes me smile. Every time I shake hands now, I automatically think of Brice and the fact he always introduces himself with a handshake. "It's nice to meet you Bonnie. I hope he is treating you like a lady," I wink at Colt. "I'm Zoey."

             
"Oh, I know, I've heard all about you. Plus, your pictures are sort of all over the place."

             
That takes me aback. I look around and in fact, pictures of both myself and Kirt are everywhere. I guess I forget some people can handle having pictures of him up, even if I can't. I walk over and pick one up. I smile down at the handsome man. It's from the same day he left. The last day I saw him in person. Me and that damn dress. We both look scared and happy at the same time. My thoughts of him haven't done him justice. Wow, I forget just how incredible he looked.

             
I close my eyes and try to remember the last time I saw him. I try to remember that day, and oddly enough it's not Kirt that comes to mind. It's Harvey. Not the real one I freaked out on while on the sidewalk, no, it's the Harvey I envisioned. He is smiling at me and giving me a wave. He is saying bye to me. It's strange that I'd think this right now, but I do. Except this time, I don't feel him or sense him, I simply just see him disappearing from me. This time, I'm not at all sad to see him go.

             
When I open my eyes again, I run my fingers along the picture, staring at the man I gave so much of my life to. I wouldn't take back one minute of my time with him, not even after all the pain I went through when he passed away.

             
I place it back on the shelf and turn around. Peggy-Sue is crying hysterically and Colt is comforting her. I didn't mean to make her cry. I walk back over and we hug each other once more. "You'll always be a second mother to me," I whisper to her. "I'll always love your son, and your family. Thank you for being so accepting of me in your life."

             
When I pull away, she kisses my cheek, then walks over and sits down. She drinks down some of her soda pop, then she looks at me sternly. "You'll always be my daughter as well. When I heard you tried to end your life," she shakes her head wildly, "I felt like I was losing another child. Please don't ever do something so reckless again."

             
"I know, I know," I whisper. We've had this talk more than once, I know exactly how she feels about it. "I'm still so sorry."

             
She nods her head, knowing I am. "I love you."

             
"I love you, too," Colt says, sitting next to her.

             
"And I love you both." I smile warmly at the people that have been part of my life for so long, I couldn't imagine ever losing either of them. "I came here for two reasons, actually. One, because I miss you both dearly and love you so much. Second is because I wanted to tell you both in person some news I have."

             
Peggy-Sue wipes away some more tears and Colt rubs her back while paying attention closely to me. His girlfriend is off to the side, listening but not speaking. It's nice that she is giving us our personal time.

             
"I've told you both about Brice and how good he is to me and everything." They both nod their heads simultaneously, but don't say anything at all. "Well, he has asked me to marry him. We're going to have the wedding in Tennessee because his family is too large to have them all drive out this way, but I was hoping that you would please attend. I'd be honored to have you both there, to accept this of me. If you don't want to, I completely understand, and I wouldn't be upset with you."

             
I look down to where I'm wringing my hands together. Colt walks over and pulls on my arm until I'm standing, then he wraps me in his arms, sobbing pretty hard. I wasn't expecting that. "I'll be there Sis, of course I will. Kirt would be happy you found someone who treats you so well."

             
More tears stream from my eyes. I pull back and thank him with a kiss to the cheek. His mom nearly pushes him aside as she grabs ahold of me and hugs me tight. "Oh heavens Zoey, yes, I'll be there. I'd love nothing more. I'm so happy for you. Oh, I am so happy for you." Yup, and now I'm crying harder.

             
After I thank them both and get a few more kisses and hugs, I leave their home to head back to my parents’.

             
My Poppa and Brice are in a long conversation in the living room, having a debate over some football teams. My sister and her boyfriend are in the kitchen helping Momma prepare and cook supper. I walk into the living room and sit next to Brice. He reaches over and squeezes my hand. I look down as he does it and I stare at the beautiful engagement ring he got me. I never expected to have a ring on that finger ever again, but I'm wearing it with pride.