I'm Not the Biggest Bitch in This Relationship

Table of Contents

 

 

Praise for Wade Rouse's Memoir

“Damn you, Wade! I missed two eBay auctions and delayed taking my Ambien every night for a week so I could finish
It's All Relative
, but it was so worth it. This book rocks! Charming, funny, and saucy enough to make me blush.”

—Laurie Notaro,
New York Times
bestselling author of
We Thought You Would Be Prettier

“Wade Rouse's books combine the one-two punch of hilarity and heart and never cease to delight. Filled with uproarious one-liners and enough soul to truly satisfy, readers are going to clamor for a seat at Rouse's holiday table. I can't tell you how much I loved this book.”

—Jen Lancaster,
New York Times
bestselling author of
If You Were Here

“Wade Rouse has officially become the laugh assassin. . . . [His] remembrances of his family holidays are masterfully gift-wrapped in delightful dysfunction and topped with a bow of laser-sharp sentimental insight designed to help you not only laugh at but also fall in love again with your own jacked-up gene pool. This book is the gift that keeps on giving.”

—Josh Kilmer-Purcell, star of
The Fabulous Beekman Boys
and
New York Times
bestselling author of
The Bucolic Plague

Praise for Wade Rouse's Memoir

At Least in the City Someone Would Hear Me Scream:
Misadventures in Search of the Simple Life
A
Today
Show Summer Must Read

 

“A wise, witty, and often wicked voice.”

—
USA Today

 

 

“Rouse is a master raconteur and his transition from city slicker to country mouse is filled with sidesplitting humor, heart, and, of course, bands of marauding raccoons. This book has now taken its place at the top of my favorites list!”

—Jen Lancaster

 

 

“A funny, good-natured chronicle of a fish out of water, slowly learning to breathe.”

—Tom Perrotta,
New York Times
bestselling author of
The Abstinence Teacher

 

 

 

“In the spirit of David Sedaris, a laugh-out-loud funny book!”

—John Searles on NBC's
Today
show

 

 

“You laugh when you least expect to—and then you realize you've been laughing almost nonstop.”

—
Detroit Free Press

 

 

“This is David Sedaris meets Dave Berry . . . . Every page is good for a laugh.”

—
Library Journal

 

 

“Immensely entertaining.”

—A. J. Jacobs,
New York Times
bestselling author of
The Year of Living Biblically

NEW AMERICAN LIBRARY
Published by New American Library, a division of
Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street,
New York, New York 10014, USA
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Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices:
80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

First published by New American Library,
a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

First Printing, September 2011

Copyright © Wade Rouse, 2011

Foreword copyright © Chelsea Handler, 2011
For individual author copyrights see page 261.
All rights reserved

REGISTERED TRADEMARK—MARCA REGISTRADA

 

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA:

 

I'm not the biggest bitch in this relationship: hilarious, heartwarming tales about man's best friends from America's favorite humorists/edited by Wade Rouse; foreword by Chelsea Handler's dog, Chunk. p. cm.

ISBN : 978-1-101-54410-5

1. Dogs—United States—Anecdotes. 2. Dogs—Humor. 3. Humorists, American—Biography—Anecdotes. I. Rouse, Wade.

SF426.2..7—dc23 2011020250

 

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owners and the above publisher of this book.

PUBLISHER'S NOTE

 

Penguin is committed to publishing works of quality and integrity. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this book to our readers; however the story, the experiences and the words are the authors' alone.

While the authors have made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the authors assume any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party Web sites or their content.

 

The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the authors' rights is appreciated.

For Marge
July 16, 1997–April 11, 2011

 

Fourteen years, five books, three major life changes, thousands of
walks, millions of kisses, billions of silent farts, zillions of snuggles,
infinite belly rubs, laughs and treats…

 

and one man whose life has forever been changed by one rescue
dog's unconditional love. You helped teach me it was OK to love
again, with wild abandon, heart be damned.

 

For Mabel

 

You make me laugh. You remind me to play like a child. You sleep on
my legs until they are numb. You wake me at dawn to start the day.
You were your sister's keeper.

My Best Paw Foreword

Chelsea Handler's Dog, Chunk

 

Hello. My name is Chunk Handler.

I'm a chow mixed with a handsome dash of German shepherd. I'm a dog. A canine. A mutt. A fleabag. I have four furry legs and a missing pair of nuts, and I refer to most girls as bitches. I dream in color, but my life is in black and white.

Let's go on a walk—careful though, I tend to pull the leash. Don't forget a plastic baggie, because I tend to take big dumps. My mom is Chelsea Handler. She's a comedian, a television host, and a bestselling author. If you don't know who she is, don't worry. When I met her I had no idea who she was, either. That's probably because I don't watch the E! channel. I mainly enjoy classic film noir, but I also like any dating show that involves a slut bus.

When I was approached to contribute to this book, I was naturally annoyed. I mean what . . . a pain in the ass. Typically, the only thing I like to do with an ass is sniff it. The idea of writing a foreword for a book about a bunch of idiots and their mutts sounded awful, but it did get me thinking about where I came from. I'm a long walk away from where I was about a year ago. Once upon a time, I was just some poor shelter pooch with an expiration date. I was like a carton of spoiling milk.

Just one year ago . . .

It was springtime in Los Angeles; the irony that everything else was in bloom all around me while I was in my dire situation wasn't lost on me. I was stuck at the West Los Angeles Animal Shelter, and it was the day I was sentenced to be assassinated. They were going to electrocute me in a cute little doggy electric chair. Everything that's little and doggy usually sounds so adorable, but an electric chair sounds sick. I don't believe that's how they were actually going to kill me. It's just a little gallows humor.